Another saddened artist just talking.

[Falcon2001]

I went to see Lord of the Rings this morning at 12:01 AM - that's 1 minute after midnight for those of you who (like me) are easily confused by AM and PM around that time.

 

I ran into Rachel at the theatre. Ran into isn't the operable word but I sat down and started looking around and our eyes locked. I held her gaze for a full thirty seconds at least before someone passed between us and then I looked away.

 

I looked into her eyes and saw anger, sadness, betrayal, and deep pain - but who was I truly looking at? If I look deep inside myself that's all I have left - were we so different, me and her? Can't we get along - why do I have to hate her?

 

I went home afterwards and decided that sleep was not an option tonight. After finishing my math homework I decided to start looking up old poems of mine. I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but my poetry's just...the same thing over and over again. It's good I suppose...but dry, lacking interest or variety.

 

I don't know. This may link you to a list of my works - but it may not. It is, incidentally, arranged by number of replies so my more popular or controversial ones are first. Apparently it works for me, but I can't assume that it'll work for others. If not, just search the banquet hall for posts by me if you're interested in reading any of my work. I reccomend Run, what appears to be my first poem here.

 

*sighs* I'm still looking through my old works. The art is elusive, I suppose. I keep realizing that the more I pour into Cioden the more I realize about myself and the less and less I want to write about him - discovering things about yourself is often a sad and lonely experience.

 

"I don't need anyone! I must do this on my own!" How often have I said those words, and written them for Cioden, not realizing the sick paralells in my own life. How often has Cioden wept inside and scorned without - just as I do in my own life? I don't hate Rachel anymore - I feel sorrow that we don't talk and that we had our disagreements...but I act like I hate her because somehow that feels 'right'.

 

She got me a pen once...when I got it from her I wasn't impressed, but I was still happy because it was a gift and that meant she at least remembered me. During the troubled times between us I used to take out my anger on that pen. She got it on a trip and I assumed it was some cheap pen somewhere just 'cause she couldn't think of anything else and wanted to look good. It was wooden and aluminum, with New Orleans etched into the side - it still sits on my windowsill.

 

One of my friends who really doesn't like rachel was talking to me the other day. "She got you that pen at the airport, Will. It cost her about eleven bucks, which is more than she spent on anyone else. She got you it because you were a writer."

 

What can you say to that? She honestly got me what is one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever recieved, and I thought badly of her because of it! I wonder now whether that was the way things always are.

 

"You overexaggerate things, Will - you always jump to conclusions." I've been told that many times over as of late - it's true. I know I do it, but I continue to because when I'm right I look like I know what I'm doing and it feels good. I do this to my friends, I did it to my family and I do it to myself. Even this could be a giant jump to conclusions.

 

I don't admit that I care about things - and sometimes I wonder why. It doesn't benefit me in most of my life to pretend I don't care about things...but I do it anyway. I've been saying for months that I don't care about Rachel - but I do, and I can't let go of the relationship. I used to not be able to let go because I honestly cared about her as a person - now because I want to apologize one last time so I can get it off of my chest. I might go write her a letter now, not like she'll get it until way later anyway.

 

I pretend like I don't care what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I do. Every day I wonder how I'm going to afford college or at the very least manage to get out on my own. Things go wrong all the time - especially when you're me - but I suppose all you can do is get back up and keep going.

 

I don't even know what the point of this post is - maybe just to plug my poems and try and get some people to read them...maybe to explain things. Maybe to give myself a chance to get it all out in writing so I could cry again. Crying is so odd when you haven't done in a long while. It feels wonderful, but part of me still feels revulsion at crying. I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading this, and I wish you all a merry christmas and a happy holidays.

 

-W. J. (Falcon2k1)

Edited December 17, 2003 by Falcon2001

[Degenero Angelus]

Bows his head in so much sympathy, and so much understanding

 

From me, to you, as your friend.

 

Things are not always what they seem they are, Will, don't ever forget that, and I hope it helps you as much as it has me.

 

As always,

Ken

[Vlad]

I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I can guess.

Not being able to let go of the past is sometimes one of my biggest problems.

I guess all I can say is I hope you enjoyed the movie, and you can always find a friend in me.

 

-Mike

[lumpenproletariat]

falcon, please don't take this response offensively, but I think I might come off as kind of blunt.

 

I guess I have a pretty average, even good life. I enjoy myself a lot of the time, when I'm doing something I enjoy. Now that highschools gone, I suddenly find myself "in the future" I thought about when I was 11-12-13 etc.

 

I can look back to myself at those ages, and I often think "damnit I was a dork", or "thats not like me now at all". I guess what I'm trying to say with this point, is that people change, whether they want to or not. But, if you do want to change, specifically for the better, you usually can if you're willing to put in the effort (which I'm sometimes guilty of being not willing ). Even if you need to be sponsored by SubWay to change yourself, you can.

Maybe there are extremes in which you cannot change, horrendous poverty, or total and utter isolation. However, as long as you are posting at the pen, you have neither of those things.

 

You say you are seeing yourself more and more like your character Cioden, where did this character come from initially? Surely some part of him respresents a part of you. Hell, I know I have darker moments, in fact I have an (inherited) incredibly short temper, and I usually don't bother to exercise patience over it. Why I don't, I couldn't tell - I simply don't know. However, I don't think it makes me a worse person. But, back to my previous point, if you don't want to see this "Cioden" side of yourself coming out, change it. Try to exercise control, use whatever means you need to. Personally I would recommend letting your friends in real life know you don't want to be this way, and you're trying to change, from your description of them, they seem like reasonable people and would probably understand.

 

And, sometimes jumping to conclusions is a good thing, sometimes it is not. IF you feel you jump to conclusions, and don't like it, then try to change it. If you don't feel you do, just continue as-is in that department or something.

 

So for that, which I feel I kinda know what I'm talking about, I'll sum it up to this: If you don't like what you are growing up into, and want to change your future. Do so. If you are committed and willing to do it, then do it.

 

Now, this is where I begin my random bullshit guessing,

 

I, have in all honesty, not cried in a long time. I cannot remember the last time I did. I do not know why, I just haven't had those emotions in a long time I guess. Maybe society has imposed its "machoness" image on me to a point where I won't cry even if I need to, again I have no idea. But I guess crying is healthy, if it helps you let stuff out, then go for it. Feeling ashamed/revolted of something you're doing thats harmless isn't very smart, and I know you know that, but just tell yourself that next time you feel that emotion.

 

And you mentioned you thought you might be trying to get people to read your poems? Going by what I crappily picked up from some Psych books I read a while ago, human want for appraisal/attention is pretty universal. I wouldn't worry about that. Humans may be rather more similar than you think (? I dunno)...

 

 

About financial worries: EVERYONE thinks about those kind of things, except maybe really rich people. Even then they might be concerned about how to make more profit or something. How you're going to pay for college? I have no clue, I really don't. As far as my finances go, stuff usually tends to sort itself out, I guess that could be why I have an average/good life.

 

anyway, all in all, if you don't like something, change it. If you absolutely can't change it, C'est La Vie?

 

Hope I wasn't too blunt Falc

/James

 

 

ps. To Aardvark and Tyrion: If you want to interject with some utterly pointless sarcastic/mundane comment, just fuck off.

[Falcon2001]

Thanks, James - and no, I didn't find it too blunt. I realize I can change and I am trying - it was more of just a post to get everything out where I could see it.

 

*shrugs* thanks everyone

[Damon Inferel]

Hn... Something I have to wonder if I can relate to or not, especially in the aspect of caring. I suppose I'm not the onl one out there with apathy problems, and in a way, that is a very comforting thought to me.

 

I suppose that life isn't the most joyous aspect of existence, what with hardhsips and responsibilites and all, and somehow it all seems futile if you look at the end result. We live our lives and then die, hopefully making an inpact in the rest of the world, but norst likely, we do not. So few people are remembered, but that has nothingto do with anything. I just have a tendency to digress...

 

As you say about Cioden, a parallel release to your problems and expressions in reality. I have something of that sort too, a personaility born of my own imagination, a person who is like me in several ways, but has his differences. We are actually two different people now, which may confuse those who are not familiar with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). Ogten, I find myself sick of his existence, and I often despise writing his name, but I've have gotten to the point where I cannot deny that he exists and how he affect me life. In a sense, he is everything I refuse to be in the sense of emotions, assertiveness, stuff like that.

 

He is the side of me that will do things I would never dream of doing, such as confrontational speaking, interrupting others when they have interrupted me, but as opposite as he is, him and I share a fair deal in common. I detest some of the things that I think about him and he detests most of which I do. (I've kind of confused myself...) I guess the point of explaining that was be careful about how much you hide and then pour into something fictional, as your fictional incarnation of emotions and the like may eventually manifest itself in you, and depending upon which emotions you 'fed' it, depends on the effect it may have on your psyche. Just be careful. My other half is okay now, but he started out terribly evil...

 

Oftentimes I have told myself that I need nobody as well, which I still firmly believe and I remind myself every day. I prefer to maintain my independence, doing things on my own so as to not disappoint anyone. I have told myself that so many times that i believe it, but if it were true, then I ould not have my doubts about it. Otheriwe, I would not care for anything, I would not care for my friends or my girlfriend, claimig that I would do all right on my own, claiming I do not need anyone. Independence is a wonderful thing, and should you attach yourself to another thing or person, you might develop an unhealthy dependence upon them, much as I have done in the sense of my emotions.

 

however, complete independence is also unhealthy for a person, as those around them that they secretly care about may take it to be something of a rude gesture and thus relenquish their care for you, whether secret or open.

 

(If this doesn't make any sense, just ignore it... in my head, I'm actually full of eloquent speech, but often that's not the case in reality...)

 

There are some things about hatred that I do not understand, I guess. You say that you do not hate this person, but rather you feel sorrow for the bad times that have happened. Fights, disagreements, or whatever. However, the hatred feeling feels right in your mind, giving you, perhaps, a sense of comfort that puts a great expression on the fact you do not care for this person, you do not need this person, it is a way of feeling contentment that you don't need something, no matter how much you might actually. I can't say if you do or not, but hey, general speech here. Hatred is an escape for a lot of things, and often is a misused word, especially because later on in life you may find out that you can, indeed, tolerate what you hate. For example. "I hate sushi." ten years later. "Hey, it's not that bad." hatred changes, and thus is cna be misused.

 

Perhaps this hatred is simply a temporary disliking for something that you do not want to accept comfort from. I can't offer any really sound advice though because I will hate something that even moderately annoys me. I hate almost everything, and thus far whatever I hate, I haven't changed it. Like cars. I hate cars and always will because they are not economicla, they are noisy, they get stuck in traffic, they kill people... I have reasons. In order to put a mark of hatred on something, you have to figure out why you hate it. Try to put reasoning behind your hatred so you can determine whether or not you actually do hate it or not. (Geez, I sound like I'm lecturing you... If I sound like a psychiatrist, shoot me. I'll give you my address and everything.)

 

Um... I guess that's it as far as commentary. haven't read any poems yet, but I'll get around to it...

 

Note: The best gift I ever got was a 20oz Dew from my girlfriend. It even had a buy one get one free cap. It was for my birthday. cheap, but just what I wanted, and so easy to get at the last minute. ><

 

cherish whatever you get, especially if it's from someone you care about. It'll bring happy memories. (God, my brain is so confused... emotions should make up their mind, huh?)

[Ozymandias]

Apparently I can empathize with you more than either of us realized, Falc.

 

But I'll skip right to my main point- you've made it this far; I've faith you'll get further still.

 

Keep on keepin' on, 'cuz it *doesn't* rain all the time.

[Aardvark]

Dude, thbink of it this way. Take my advice. I'm Aardvark, amn. And I'm drunk. So that's two reasons why I know what I say

 

This chick... fuggitabout her. There's three BILLION other women in the world. Even after you eliminate the ones that are too young ro too old or too foreign, that sill leaves hundreds of millions. Now, let's say X is a whole number. Say 5. Five percent of those hundreds of millions are compatible with you. That's like... One twentith of hundreds of millions. That's a lot. That' more than a lot. Hell, you can't describe that many without swearing, which I won't do, despite the excessive vodka flowing through my bloodstream. So no matter how depressed you are, remember this. That chick isn't the only chick in the world. Infact, you could safely forget about her and still have a fair shot at happiness, marital bliss or hedonistic... whatever those hedonites get up to in their spare time. Remembr, there's about five hundred thosuand females out there, probably more, who are compatible in some way, shape or form. Given enough time, you'll snare yourself one of them. If you're impatient, just take a page out of someone else's book and get one of them drunk, then act nice when they wake up for a few weeks, then they'll get to know you and bickety bam, you've got someone else

 

Sorry, who are you again? I'm drunk and I'm armed with teh interweb, so tyou should be warey of the loads of poorly typed garbage I spew like a lightweight at a pissup after eating twenty bucks worth of kentucky fried

[Yuki Kokoro]

*comes running up, tackles you and holds on a while... in a hug of course... not a violent tackle.... ; * I'm glad you're working through this and although it may be miserable now, I have confidence you'll get through it and be happier than you have been.

 

Self-introspection can indeed be painful, but no matter what horrors you think you find out about yourself, just remember your friends have probably been able to see them all along and we love you anyway. They're not nearly as bad as you think.

 

Lastly, in my personal opinion caring is healthy, crying is healthy, and being able to accept yourself most of all is very important (and healthy ). Progressing towards this is a constant and difficult challenge, but one well worth it in the joys each step can bring. I know you'll get there.

[Peredhil]

Some people cry and bleed through words, revealing a thousand shades of pain that linger instead of tears of salt that dry. I tend to be like that I suppose, although I've been known to cry at silly movies.

 

You are what you are. The past is dead chains if you let it determine your future. Just because you have feelings they don't determine your choices unless you let them. It is not a lie to say, "I am becoming" instead of "I am". Choose who you want to be, no matter how you feel, and claim it, live it, speak it, act it.

 

That's who you'll become.

 

You have great potentials. If you weren't afraid, what would you do or say...

who would you chose to be?

 

hugs

 

Peredhil

(Law)