Aardvark Posted December 16, 2003 Report Posted December 16, 2003 Sitting in the waiting room of the courthouse, I met one of the oddest individuals I'd ever seen in my life. First impressions were he was a one armed biker with an ingrained hatred of the world and was probably here on a murder charge or something. Then logic kicked in, ruling out the possible criminal act. He hadn't looked at me, the scowl on his tattooed face seemingly etched out of stone. He hadn't even shifted to so much as get a little more comfortable since he walked in and sat down. Curiosity got the better of me, as it tends to. My curiosity has veto power over my sense of self preservation, sometimes. I moved over next to him. He didn't even shift to see what I was doing. "Hi! What're you here for?" "Geeze Kid, it took you long enough. How long were you staring at me over there? Ten, twenty minutes?" "I'm sorry..." "Don't be, I get this all the time. That's what I get for being a one armed biker in a courthouse, I suppose." I gave a half hearted laugh, before he turned and offered his good arm to me "Mervin." He stated, in the gruffest biker voice he could manage "Ishmael." I replied "That isn't your real name, is it." "Is Mervin yours?" "Well no, but that's what everybody calls me." "Ok, I'm pilfering your answer and using it on your question." He roared with laughter at this, revealing his stump to me. It must've been new, as the limb had been covered with flesh coloured bandages. Before I could ask my question again, he spoke. "Yeah, I'm a one armed biker in trouble with the law. But this time, I'm in the right. Speeding fine, I tell you." He pulled out a small piece of crumpled paper. "Since when is it illegal to go forty five over the limit in a school zone? I mean, c'mon. Speed cameras got me. You can't explain to speed cameras why you were chasing some dickhead through the backstreets at whatever speed they reckon you're going. I swear, machines will be the ruin of society." "Wow, how fast were you..." "Christ, do you listen? I just told you forty five over! Jesus, the youth of today." I was taken aback by this, but was more curious than ever. "Why were you..." "Chasing that bastard? I'll tell you why. No, I'll show you why. This is why!" He thrust the bandaged stump at my face. "That worthless whore took my goddamn arm. He just rides up to me, cool as you like, pulls out some evil demon axe of some description and lops my left arm off at the elbow! Then he takes off with the thing, like all the demons of hell are about to hunt his arse down!" "Were they?" "Nah. but I was, which is worse." "Did you catch him?" "No! He rode through six lanes of fast moving traffic, managing to avoid three semi trailers. Sure,I love my arm, but I love living more, so I stopped. I tried to hunt him down, but came out empty handed." "So why are you hear?" "Why else?" He spat on the piece of paper. "I'm contesting the speeding fine, on the grounds that some total, utter, complete bastard had just stolen my arm. And I've got the missing arm to support my case." He thrust his stump in the air and shook it around a bit." "So where was the speed camera?" "In the school zone where he took my arm!" Something was still bugging me at this point. "How did you chase him with only one arm?" "Look at me. Seriously just look at me." I did just that. I saw a fat middle-aged biker, complete with long, unkempt beard curving over his beer gut, no other hair on his head, except for the mustache and the... ear hair? He had a tattoo around his left eye of some kind of snake/bat/rabbit/porcupine crossbreed. I really couldn't tell what it was. He also had more scar tissue on his face than unblemished skin. His arms were about as thick as me and even without a lower arm and hand, he still looked like he could kill me with his stump. "What am I looking for?" "I'M A FREAKING MONSTER!" He stood to his full height. Christ, he was almost seven foot tall, built like a tank. No, built out of tanks. Hell, he resembled one of those giant transformers that are made up of smaller transformers. No, screw that, if I was going to use transformer analogies, he was Unicron. Hell, I don't know about the planet, but he could've eaten me in three bites. He was bloody massive. "Well, I don't know about monster..." "I'm huge. I'm colossal. I could headbutt my way through a bank vault, no worries. Do you think I'd have a problem handling my Hog one handed?" "Well, uh..." "And he was driving like a rank amateur, anyway. If I'd had two arms, or even if I wasn't spurting blood everywhere and beginning to go dizzy from bloodloss, I could've caught the arsehat. And that demon axe would've been going in a very uncomfortable place for normal people." "Normal people?" "I'm assuming he was used to that sort of activity. Don't you be looking at me funny. I could kill you with my stump." "That thought had occurred to me..." "So that filthy vagabond escaped with my arm and all I got was this lousy ticket." I was about to reply, when I heard a bailiff call my name. "Love to stay and chat, but I've really gotta go." "Wait a bit... you never told me what you're doing here. "Well, it started when I found this demon axe..."
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