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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

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Posted

Every day I'm a little bit colder

You're a bigger part of me

Every day I'm a little bit older

Finding it hard to breathe

You say you're the best part of me

Somehow I think you lie

Just go away, never return

Get out of my damned life

 

The biggest part of me

The pride and all the anger

Please get away from me!

Leave! Leave!

 

Every day I'm a little bit sadder

Another step to the grave

Every day I'm a little bit madder

The rage is here to stay

My friends are getting worried

And truth is, so am I

When the story takes over the author

Something is quite awry

 

The loudest part of me

The rage and oh the anger

Go away from me!

Leave! Leave!

 

Every day I'm a little bit darker

Solitude's embracing me

Every day I'm a little bit starker

My soul's slipping away

I feel life's not worth living

Is there a reason to go on?

Is the depression just a syndrome

Or punishment for a wrong?

 

Every day I'm a little bit lower

The night is calling me

Every day I'm a little bit slower

Entropy, the great disease

You say you're the best part of me

Cioden, I think you lie

My anger, pain and sorrow

You're buried deep inside.

Posted

I liked this poem, Falcon, particularly the manner in which the narrator of the poem is related to his own fictional character, who represents a certain aspect of his own personality. I also really liked the lines "When the story takes over the author/ Something is quite awry," as it's an intriguining concept that compliments the thematic elements of the poem very nicely.

 

In terms of improvements, I think the poem could be made even stronger if perhaps some more concrete imagery were added, as we're given mostly narrations of the narrator's feelings. Perhaps you could fix this by throwing in a few similes of metaphors for the rage he experiences.

 

Anyway, good stuff. :)

Posted

The gradual building up of anger was quite palpable. I like that in a poem. I almost thought there should be a "Now Hulk Really Mad!!! :angry: " at the end, but I suppose that would be a little out of place. :D

Posted

((In-Character post: Please dismiss any thoughts of this having to do with real-life. It's purely a character reaction.))

 

Buried deep inside? No... let him out... let him out to play... Just think of how it could be, without feeling that raw strength of rage locked behind the mask of civility. Just think of how much better you'd feel if you didn't have to hold him back, if you didn't have to waste that energy on control.

 

Let him out, Falcon. Let him express the parts that you don't want to face, and you'll see what fun there is in callousness and rage. Give him control of the words. Give him his own turn at the quill...

 

Come out, Cioden. I dare you.

 

What are you afraid of?

Posted

I agree with Wyvern about, "When the story takes over the author/ Something is quite awry", that would have to be my favorite line. It's also very true.

 

I could really feel Cioden struggling underneath the surface of this poem:

"Solitude's embracing me"

"My soul's slipping away"

"Entropy, the great disease".

 

But the other side is fighting too:

"Somehow I think you lie"

"My friends are getting worried/ And truth is, so am I"

"Something is quite awry".

 

As to the questions in the 5th stanza, I don't think depression is ever a "punishment for a wrong" and I very much hope you find some reasons to go on, reasons are out there. :)

 

Very interesting poem with the sense of both sides being represented through one narrator. I like it a lot.

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