Mira Posted December 4, 2003 Report Posted December 4, 2003 Sleep silently tonight Between these sheets of night And harbor only wishes Never worries, cares, or frights So silently I lie While I look upon your rest The tranquil expression of your face The gentle movement of your breast And as the suns first golden rays Fill the room with light I vainly try, with no success To hold on to this night
dragonqueen Posted December 5, 2003 Report Posted December 5, 2003 Nice rythym. One rarely sees poems portraying the night in a favorable light.
Yuki Kokoro Posted December 5, 2003 Report Posted December 5, 2003 It's so calm and peaceful, I very much like. This does a good job of expressing what it's like to watch a loved one sleep.
sleepless Posted December 18, 2003 Report Posted December 18, 2003 apologies for bringing an old thread to the top the last two verses are something special, especially the ending "I vainly try, with no success, to hold onto this night." sometimes, when reading poems, lines leap out at me as being absolutely perfect, and it was to that group that those belonged. An absolutley enchanting ending. However, if I could draw your attention to the first stanza. You've got three lines ending with the same sound here, which starts the reader off on the wrong beat, and giving them a confused outlook on the structure of the poem (stanzas 2 & 3 both having just lines 2 and 4 do the rhyming). Despite it appearing easier to change 'tonight' to something else, I would be tempted to try fiddling with the 'night' and 'frights' as a plural/singular rhyming never seems to sit too comfortably anyway. how about (and I apologise if this is taking it too far in the other diriction) Sleep silently tonight Between the sheets, my dear, And harbor only wishes No worry, no care or fear just a suggestion though, I very much like it as it is. BTW, is the name-that-song thing still open? Gotta love Bob Dylan
Loki Wyrd Posted December 18, 2003 Report Posted December 18, 2003 Hey sleepless, it's good to see you posting here. I'm not sure what the name the song thing you refer to was/is, but I agree with you about Bob Dylan.
Mira Posted December 19, 2003 Author Report Posted December 19, 2003 sleepless, I see what your saying, and it makes perfect sense. In fact if I had noticed that before I posted, I might have changed it. About the song, it's still open as long as you didn't cheat.
X-Sabre Posted December 19, 2003 Report Posted December 19, 2003 Argh, I thought I knew that song! Don't mind me, I'm gonna go kick myself a few times for not answering it earlier. *feels ashamed to own every Bob Dylan album now*
HopperWolf Posted December 19, 2003 Report Posted December 19, 2003 I agree with what everyone else has said really. I nice peaceful poem, enhanced by its own simplicity.
Loki Wyrd Posted December 19, 2003 Report Posted December 19, 2003 Oh, I only just now noticed Mira's sig. I usually just skip right over those.
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