Title

[Mira]

"Hop in the queue”, they told me

Get in line for your piece of the pie

But I was waiting there so long

With not an end in sight

 

And as I stood there waiting

The cogs of my mind did turn

I came to wonder if maybe they were wrong

Maybe it wasn't the pie that I yearned

 

Now I think I'll walk around the world

Just to pass the time

‘Cuz I've come to find that anything is better

Then standing in that line

 

 

 

 

Edited out some stupid errors.

Edited December 2, 2003 by Mira

[Wyvern]

I really like this poem, Mira. I think that the way that you portray the theme in a simple yet intriguing manner is very well done, and that the images of the poem give a lasting impression.

 

The one thing that I might suggest to improve in this piece is the rhymes, which seemed a bit forced to me in certain places. This is due to a few spots where the grammar seems a bit awkward, and it disrupts the flow of the poem a bit. The lines that struck me in this manner were:

 

"But I was been waiting there so long" - change "was" to "have" perhaps?

 

"With not an end in eye" - while "eye" rhymes with "pie," this line could probably be stronger. I might suggest "sight" rather than "eye," as though "sight" doesn't rhyme perfectly with "pie," it does have a slanted rhyme with "pie" and it seems to fit better in the context of the sentence.

 

"The cogs of my mind did turned" - perhaps an adverb rather than "did"... "slowly" maybe?

 

and

 

"I came to wonder if not they were wrong" - I'm not sure if "not" is needed in this line.

 

 

Anyway, despite the few grammatical errors and the pie/eye rhyme, I think this is an excellent piece. The last stanza reads perfectly to me and sums up the theme of the poem very nicely, by the way.

[Mira]

With not an end in eye" - while "eye" rhymes with "pie," this line could probably be stronger. I might suggest "sight" rather than "eye," as though "sight" doesn't rhyme perfectly with "pie," it does have a slanted rhyme with "pie" and it seems to fit better in the context of the sentence.

I had it as "sight" originally, and changed it for the sake of perfect rhyme, but now that I read it over again I think I like it better as "sight".

[whynotsin]

I enjoy the unwillingness of the subject to accept what life has put in his/her path and strike out on his/her own not knowing whats out there. It also made me think of food lines for the homeless and the great deppresion. Its a great poem.