Wyvern Posted November 20, 2003 Report Posted November 20, 2003 Note: this is a new poem that I wrote, "Automation," along with the finalized version of my Writer's Workshop haiku "I Automation Your middle finger thumb wrestles with my left index crushing the asset that would normally type the ‘s’ in “I’m sorry.” The monitor hums to the same tune that was whistled on winter mornings, Never Winter Nights when we sang as one. Your hand leaves but it’s moisture rests, and mists computer keys and mouse pads with perfumed sweat. The office door slams shut as my vision blurs from familiar scents while the screen radiates nothing more than a series of numbers. I E-cards through e-mails While mice click softly, moving Without e-motion.
Peredhil Posted November 20, 2003 Report Posted November 20, 2003 Hugs I'm sorry... But on Automation - "It's" is a contraction of "It is". "Its" is the possessive. Well-crafted and evocative. On the Haiku - when my sleep-blurred eyes first read it, they saw "White mice click softly, moving" Which implied play on words tickled me - until I saw it was "While" instead. Again, well-crafted. I knew I should've made time to hit the Workshop... Hugs I'm sorry...
Yui-chan Posted November 20, 2003 Report Posted November 20, 2003 I like both of these. There's a contrast between the warm, organic emotions in them and the cold technology that makes them just... fascinating to me. I love your phrasing in places and though your words aren't blatantly visual, I find that the poem Automation evokes a lot of concrete images as I read it. I'm impressed. The only thing that made me stutter as I read these two pieces were the first two lines of Automation. Your middle finger thumb wrestles with my left index Probably, this is on purpose, but I just thought I'd point out that it was a sticking point for me because of the confusion. I couldn't figure out what a 'middle finger thumb' was, at first. Besides that and what Peredhil mentioned, I loved them both. Thanks for sharing, Wyv. Yours, ~Yui
Wyvern Posted November 27, 2003 Author Report Posted November 27, 2003 Thanks for your comments, Peredhil and Yui-chan. I recently submitted "Automation" for commentary from my creative writing class, and unfortunatly it didn't seem to be very well recieved... Lots of people left scratching their heads in confusion wanting to know what the heck was going on, basically. ;p So, I decided that it needed a bit of work and wrote an alternative second version of the poem. I have mixed feelings about the new structure (which was inspired by Yui's comment on the "middle finger thumb" line in the first stanza of the original)... I'm very happy with it in the sense that I feel it fufills the new sense of fragmentation that I was aiming for, but at the same time feel a bit sad that it caused the third stanza to change. The last line of the new version is also missing something... some other adjective to accompany "distant" in describing the eyes. Any suggestions are appreciated, as well as any other comments anyone has on this version, particularly in terms of it's clarity when compared to the original. Thanks! Automation (take two) The pixels show the two of us kissing on a screen that your eyes avoid. Your middle finger thumb wrestles with my right index, an asset used for speed typing the ‘i’ in “i’m sorry.” The monitor hums the same tune whistled through winter mornings when we sang together. Your hand leaves moisture on the computer keys and mouse pads laden with your scent The guest seat groans as you lift yourself and walk to the exit door. And my eyes blur like a computer screen flashing a series of numbers. Distant.
Yuki Kokoro Posted November 27, 2003 Report Posted November 27, 2003 I too was confused by the first version and the second version makes more sense to me, so good job there (however, going back and looking at the first version now I see what you were trying to say and don't know how I missed it ) I may be missing your reasons for changing the third stanza, which are probably very good ones, but I say if you like the original, keep it, it would fit fine with the new poem. Though to put in my two cents I liked the line "laden with your scent". Looking at them combining the two might work: "Your hand leaves/ but it’s moisture rests/ laden with your scent/ misting computer keys and mouse pads." Suggestions for the last line... hmm... Distant and fleeting? Distant and cold comes to mind too, but I don't think that's the feeling you're trying to portray. Whatever you decide to do, my compliments on the new version of the poem.
Wyvern Posted December 8, 2003 Author Report Posted December 8, 2003 Thanks for your comments, Yuki. Upon asking around, I've found that the poem still seems a bit unclear to people and so I've taken another shot at it. This version is kind of a combination of the two previous versions, with a couple of other things I decided to add in. I'm not sure if this thread should belong in the Writer's Workshop at this point... hopefully, this will be the last time I write a new version. I think that I like this one the best. Automation (take three) Your hand touches mine from across the office space over discarded diskettes of our love letters. The pixels on the screen show the two of us kissing, an image that your eyes carefully avoid. Your middle finger wrestles with my right index, an asset used for speed typing the “i” in “i’m sorry.” The monitor hums to the same tune that was whistled on winter mornings, over warm hugs and “Never Winter Nights.” Your hand leaves But it’s moisture rests, and mists computer keys and mouse pads with perfumed sweat. The seat next to me groans as you lift yourself and walk to the exit door slamming it shut. And the code on the screen bares a sudden ressemblence to my heart. Broken into a million fragments.
Yuki Kokoro Posted December 8, 2003 Report Posted December 8, 2003 (edited) It's amazing how much the approach you've taken with this has changed. Though each poems deals with the same narrow string of events they all sound so different. These versions are an interesting study in style as they go from impressionistic to concrete (personally I really liked the impressionistic style because of its subtle way of expressing emotion, but I had a hard time understanding what was happening so... yeah. *rueful sigh*). Edited December 8, 2003 by Yuki Kokoro
HopperWolf Posted December 8, 2003 Report Posted December 8, 2003 hey wyv, I like most of the adaptations you have made here. where the first was somewhat more abstract (Which I'm guessing might have been somewhat intentional) you've ended up with something more immediately accessable. "Your hand leaves But it’s moisture rests, and mists computer keys and mouse pads with perfumed sweat." has to be my favourite stanza, wonderful combination of the two moods being bandied about here. "And the code on the screen bares a sudden ressemblence to my heart. Broken into a million fragments." However, this last stanza to me seems a little too blatant, and not entirely in keeping with the ambiance of the rest of the piece. key words being "sudden" and "heart" for me. Nothing about the piece strikes me as particularly sudden and where the rest manages to retain a certain distance this just comes too close for my liking, too emotional. Also, glad to see the never winter nights has been put back in! i did really like that.
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