Sunday

[Tattered]

My Daughter turned 5 recently. We threw her a B-day party this weekend. It turned out lovely. The preparations were long nights filled with paint and scizzor and balloons and planning, not to mention the food and treats making. All this done for 2 hours of loud, busy, crowded, smallish children, running around tirelessly. It was hard, but fun and worth it. Right after her party we cleaned like madmen and ran off to her friends 5th Birthday that same day, his party is one of the six parties we've attended THIS MONTH. Exhaustion!

 

Needless to say, we were quite late to church this morning. Although I must admit that I am usually late anyhow. I knew I ran the risk of embarrassment even though all the people are quite nice about it. Even last night I felt apprehensive about attending church and all this morning. I sometimes ask myself "Why are you here?" Not that I don't believe or belong, but that I don't FOLLOW. I am such a hypocrit sometimes. I say to myslef " If you cant follow the guidelines of gospel, even of a club, then why would you chose to be a member of something you cant commit to?" My answer to myself is that I WANT to be like my ideals, I wish and try and hope that I can strive to SOME day SOON be like the inspirational, and beatiful saints around me. Now, our church has 3 meetings and is 3 hours long. This week was the childrens presentation and my daughter was not up there. I felt like a failure, I had let my daughter down. Inadaquit. I didn't have to show up today, by my being there for the 2 other meetings everyone who saw me knew that my daughter was not up there. They are not judgemental, but still people have brains and the make decisions and I am sure they decided, what a bummer, that mom didn't make sure her daughter took part in a wonderful opportuninty.

 

However the circumstance, I had made a conscience decision to be there today. I cannot hide from our God and he loves me still. I must not give up and let my sadness and fears get the best of me. There is hope yet, I hope. Besides I often think that if I could just be and feel the way I do at church on Sunday, everyday, I would have it made. So to make this long story short, I have a question, have you ever gone to church to be a spectator and found yourself curious if the lessons taught this day were written specifically for you and your good? Well that's what happened today, and every Sunday, most especially the ones where I scarcely make it to church.

 

In the second lesson they taught about being a good example for your children, how important it is to be mindful of what your actions show your children about life. I felt uncomfortable in my hot seat. The anxiety of "What have I done to my child?" just felt like a cloak I was wearing. The thing that stood out the most to me was simple story about a tree. [A man plants a tree while it is quite small and thin about an inch in diameter, when he first plants it in his yard. He recalls just how supple it was, when he could simply move it side to side or in any direction with one finger. The man forgot about the tree for a long time, until on day he noticed that is was leaning dramatically to the west. Now the tree had grown and even with the force of his entire body's strength, he could not budge the tree. The tree was now about a foot in diameter. He felt horrible for his neglect, all it would have taken to aid that tree in growing straight is a piece of string. That would have supported the seedling against the wind and forces of nature against it.] This story is easy to relate to small children who need our little examples of love and dedication to protect them from growing off track with out support.

 

The third lesson was about trials. Trials are life. Trials are the refining fire that perfect us. Trials are the tools that chip away, often painfully, the jaged, uneven parts of us, to reveal a more smooth and beatiful person in Gods eyes. I cried really hard in this one. 4 strong women spoke of their amazing trials that they have endured and survived. What cheer they had still, what faith and what love for there God. I began to feel foolish for my trials did not compare. Although, my life when described to those close to me, is a loooonnng trial, the whole way through, still, I have SO many blessings to be thankful for. Thank you God. Thank you.

 

Okay so that was NOT a short story and if you made it through the whole thing I commend you for sticking it out. In closing I just would like to say, that I came home with new eyes. I realized that each time I attempt to reorganize my life to God, I immedeatly think I need to go home and clean and sort, so that my surroundings can be perfect first. But I now realize that it works the other way around and I must not loose cheer and stand tall, right now. Forget what you think your eyes see, and open your heart to the spirit of God so that he might be able to work with you, to bring you more happiness than any earthly thing can. God's know how is so much bigger than right now and physical things, he can light the way for me, leading to never ending peace and joy. I so very often feel weak and unable to give to my daughter the kind of life I have not yet known. I feel like, how can I give when I have yet SO much to learn I am still so young at life, and what a consequence I have brought upon myself by not heeding the word of the Lord in my past choices. Now, I must step into the future for a new life, one small day at a time.

[Peredhil]

Personally, I can't think of anything I've ever done, or could possibly do that could earn the salvation God has already given me. That being the case, I don't bother beating myself up for my many frequent failures. Instead, I focus on what I can do for myself and others, into the future.

Kinda Romans chap 8 stuff - no condemnation if you're walking after the spirit - walking, not sitting and wailing or beating yourself up.

 

On another note, I was the youngest of 5 kids when I was growing up. I remember one occasion when a couple rushed into church slightly panicked - they'd see our stationwagon already parked and just *knew* they were late. We'd actually gotten there on time for once.

 

Hugs