Regel Posted October 17, 2003 Report Posted October 17, 2003 Though I posted it here, suggestions for any improvement are invited. Wisdom Gained Words are hard to fathom Feelings are understood Knowledge isn’t wisdom And hatred burns like wood. The world is not a safe place Our bodies are flesh and bone And when we’re gone we are replaced Some mistakes can never be atoned. I learned that pride comes before a fall And remembered it every time I fell Dilemmas are rarely small You don’t have to die to be in hell. Truth can be a weapon You can lie to a friend Humour isn’t always fun Beginnings always have an end. Work is how some define themselves My job is not who I am Faces all have certain tells My critics can all be damned.
Peredhil Posted October 17, 2003 Report Posted October 17, 2003 Oooh, I like. Some lessons in there I've learned the hard way, like "truth without love is destructive", or "a haughty look before a fall, and pride comes before destruction". When I think of how many times I've heard a hateful tongue rebuked and reply, oh so innocently, "But I was only telling the truth...", or have held onto doing things *my* way and being unwilling to admit I'd screwed up and needed to change or admit the need for help. Umm. Anyway - this struck a few resonating tones with me.
WrenWind Posted October 17, 2003 Report Posted October 17, 2003 You don’t have to die to be in hell. No you don't that is for sure. All in all aver good piece I need to reread as some of it didn't quite flow as smothly as rest I'm not sure exactly why. *hugs* Wren
Beautiful Nightmare Posted October 17, 2003 Report Posted October 17, 2003 *hugs* very good poem i love it!
Ayshela Posted October 18, 2003 Report Posted October 18, 2003 (edited) First off, i like this, and i'm glad to see you posting in here. You've got a lot of good stuff packed in here, but it's kind of "lumpy" in some places and needs a little "refolding" (if we're going to go with a packing analogy.. lol) Bearing in mind that any suggestions i make are only suggestions: Wisdom Gained Words are hard to fathom Personally, i wouldn't change this stanza at all. Feelings are understood Knowledge isn’t wisdom And hatred burns like wood. The world is not a safe place Our bodies are flesh and bone And when we’re gone we are replaced Some mistakes can never be atoned. This line is too long to fit the rhythmic pattern you've set up in the first two stanzas, so i mentally "trip" over it reading through. Given the content i'm not sure how that would be reworded, so all i can do is point out the issue, for which i apologize. I learned that pride comes before a fall You switch from three "feet" to four here. The phrase is smooth enough to work, but it is a pattern shift, just so you're aware of it. And remembered it every time I fell Again with the length issue, and smoothness of flow. Perhaps "And remembered it when i fell"?? Dilemmas are rarely small And here you're about a half a "foot" short for smooth flow. This especially stands out as this whole stanza appears to be built on a four foot rhythm. You don’t have to die to be in hell. No criticism here, just pointing out the core truth of this, and how much i love it. Truth can be a weapon Back to three feet. Again, it works, but pointing it out for your awareness. You can lie to a friend And this line, again, is short. The concept truth is complete, but i'd play with wording a bit to more clearly illuminate it and mesh the rhythm with the surrounding lines a bit better. Humour isn’t always fun Beginnings always have an end. These two lines, depending on emphasis in speaking pattern, could be either three feet or four. The last line is (to me) pretty clearly four, but i'm not sure at the moment how to tighten it. Work is how some define themselves Very true, and you've eased back to four feet. This stanza seems to alternate three and four, which could work to tie together a piece which floats between the two. My job is not who I am Faces all have certain tells I'm not quite sure what you mean by this line. Should this be "tales"?? or could this be clarified a bit? My critics can all be damned. =) excellent Probably the most important thing you could do to resolve the issues you have with smooth flow is to read it out loud, paying attention to the natural cadence, and make note of where that stumbles. You have *excellent* material here, and as it is it's a very nice piece. With a bit of polishing, it would be absolutely stunning. *hugs* Edited October 18, 2003 by Ayshela
Regel Posted October 18, 2003 Author Report Posted October 18, 2003 (edited) Thank you for your comments Ayshela. I agree that this poem was a bit choppy. I was quite please with some of the stanzas but some of the others, well let's just say that they needed something more. However for your consideration what about some revisions The world is not a safe place Our bodies are flesh and bone And when we’re gone we are replaced Some sins can't be atoned A straight substitution here for mistakes and I snipped the word never. Work is how some define themselves My job is not who I am Faces all have certain tells Faces do have certain tells ask any vegas card player. My critics can all be damned Edited October 18, 2003 by Regel
Ayshela Posted October 18, 2003 Report Posted October 18, 2003 Some sins can't be atoned rhythmically this is a great improvement, but i would embrace it with caution. "sins" and "mistakes" have differences in connotations, though some differences are subtle. Additionally, "sins" in conjunction with "atone" in any form draws in definite theological concepts - i would only caution you to be sure that what this says, in both connotation and denotation, is what you actually mean and intend for it to say. (and if you want the theological discussion on it i'd be more than willing, but would suggest that it be taken to PM ) Faces do have certain tells ask any vegas card playerah. i've studiously avoided Vegas, so that's not a phrase i'm familiar with.
Regel Posted October 19, 2003 Author Report Posted October 19, 2003 In retrospect this poem was apply named. I learned quite a bit in the revision thanks to some wisdom gained from two friends. I'll invite you to take a second look if you'd like and comment on the revisions. Wisdom Gained Words are hard to fathom Feelings are understood Knowledge isn’t wisdom And hatred burns like wood. The world is not a safe place Our bodies are flesh and bone And when we’re gone we are replaced Some sins can’t be atoned. I learned pride comes before a fall And remembered it when I fell Dilemmas are rarely too small You don’t have to die to be in hell. Truth can be a weapon Sometimes you lie to be a friend Humour isn’t always fun Beginnings always end. Work is how some define themselves My job is not who I am Faces all have certain tells My critics all be damned.
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