Loki Wyrd Posted October 4, 2003 Report Posted October 4, 2003 (edited) I was drunk When I said What I said Please, Don't take it to heart I was drunk When I said What I said So please, Don't make it start I don't know what to feel Or what I think is true I am in a perpetual haze From which I was hoping to spare you I'm sorry that I'm wicked I'm unnecessary, and wrong Take your heart away from here It truly should not belong I'm sorry for what I've said When my heart was on my sleeve I didn't know any better Now I'm begging you to leave I didn't know what I was saying Even if I thought it was right I shouldn't bring you such pain I needn't add to your plight I was drunk When I said What I said Please, Know that it's true I was drunk When I said What I said So please, Forget that I love you Edited October 4, 2003 by Loki Wyrd
Appy Posted October 4, 2003 Report Posted October 4, 2003 Interesting concept, quite a double moral you have here.. well put. I'm having some trouble with the meter in the 6th stanza, but i'm not sure yet what... I might comment on that later, possibly with alternatives *hugs*
Loki Wyrd Posted October 4, 2003 Author Report Posted October 4, 2003 The 6th stanza, eh? Suggestions are always appreciated, so feel free to offer an alternative when you think of one.
Appy Posted October 5, 2003 Report Posted October 5, 2003 *Appy grabs for her scissors and pen* First of all, I really like the style you used, the repetition works great and the change in stanza's aswell.. there were just a few problems with the flow at some points I thought... so here I go * ok, last line in third stanza: From which I was hoping to spare you It's so long.. either 'snip' it, for impact, thus making it a five line stanza From which I was hoping to spare you Or change the sentence into something shorter like From which I hope to spare you That's not perfect either.. but neither am I * Like said before, 6th stanza: I didn't know what I was saying Even if I thought it was right I shouldn't bring you such pain I needn't add to your plight the second line has too many syllables I think. Suggestion: Even though I thought it right third line misses one syllable. Suggestion: I shouldn't bring you in such pain or I shouldn't bring in you such pain last line, misses syllables aswell. Suggestion: I needn't be adding to your plight This way it should flow better, I think Again, great poem and style, I hope my suggestions are worth something *hugs*
Parmenion Posted October 5, 2003 Report Posted October 5, 2003 Really enjoyed the beat of this when reading Loki. Bravo!
Loki Wyrd Posted October 5, 2003 Author Report Posted October 5, 2003 Thank you Parmenion and Appy. I'll consider your suggestions Appy.
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