DarkPainInside Posted October 3, 2003 Report Posted October 3, 2003 I am new to this board.... any advice constructive criticism etc is welcome One day I’ll smile, And tell you its ok You’l assume you’ll see me again some day. next morning you’ll find me dead alone in my room bullet through the head, empty as a tomb. I lived life in fear, Constantly in tears, Didn’t relate to my peers Get me outta here Cant you see? The person I am being here isn’t me Wish I knew how it was to be free Maybe suicides the key Im outta my tree Honestly. I love ruining my life, Just coz I can I don’t expect you to understand Normailty’s in demand Wont some one lend me a hand?
Ayshela Posted October 3, 2003 Report Posted October 3, 2003 (edited) First things first - Welcome! *hugs* As regards your poem - several things, from several aspects, so bear with me please? i promise it won't hurt. From the top, this is one i personally can really appreciate. i've lived enough of my life teetering on the brink for much of this to really resonate. As far as the technical aspects - a spell checker would catch most of the typos and forgotten apostrophes (and i really recommend writing in notepad or a word processor and copying your text in. no software is ever failsafe, and it can be heartbreaking to write something and lose it because the board database is having issues or you lose your connection or something.) Rhyme scheme - you start with kind of an alternating rhyme and move into straight sets of rhyming lines. Was that a deliberate choice? As regards content - i wish i could tell you it all magically gets better.. but i won't lie to you. what i will tell you is that it never gets better if you're dead. i will tell you that no matter how tempting it is to stop the pain permanently, it doesn't stop it.. just spreads it around. Suicide is the siren's call of the wounded, and it's equally hard to resist. Just please know that it's okay to say that you hurt, that you want the pain to stop. it's giving up that's the problem, because the dead don't heal. edited: i WILL learn to type in complete sentences, really i will! Edited October 3, 2003 by Ayshela
Beautiful Nightmare Posted October 3, 2003 Report Posted October 3, 2003 *hugs* welcome! Wow i remember when it was people welcoming me! I loved your poem and believe me when i first joined the pen i felt that way too actually i still do but things get better maybe just even a little bit but they do and i hated when people said that to me but it actually ends up being true suprizingly! I really loved this poem and it displayed your emotion it was excellent!! *claps* *hugs again*
Peredhil Posted October 4, 2003 Report Posted October 4, 2003 Heh, I suppose you'd better get used to hugs... they're catching. That said, hugs. For the nuts-and-bolts part, I think Ayshela summed up the few things I noticed. I'll add this - don't ever hesitate to write the feeling or idea down. The spelling, grammar and punctuation can be adjusted, tweaked or fixed in many ways - but recapturing a thought or a feeling is sometimes impossible until you get it outside your head where you can listen to it. As to the content - welcome. So many of our members have been there, unfortunately. I think it has something to do with being a creative, sensitive, intelligent person in a world of people who mostly aren't - they just don't understand because they can't (like being color-sighted in a land of color-blind), and they tend to attack or ignore what they don't understand. So if you're like most of the creative, sensitive, intelligent people - you've been told you aren't so often you believe it. Welcome to the Pen; welcome home. You'll find a lot of understanding here, even if you don't find agreement. And it's okay to disagree with each other - as long as we all remember to be polite to the person behind and underneath the ideas. Hugs again If you have a question, concern, or fear, you can Private Message just about anyone here, and expect either an answer or to be directed to someone who can answer. -Peredhil
Chanz Posted October 4, 2003 Report Posted October 4, 2003 Hey sweetie!!!!!!!!!!!! Glad u joined!!! well.....WELCOME! keep up the great writing.......see u monday! Luv ya Chanz~
Appy Posted October 4, 2003 Report Posted October 4, 2003 Welcom from me aswell, and a very nice first addition. Well done! *hugs aswell as it seems to be(come) tradition*
Damon Inferel Posted October 4, 2003 Report Posted October 4, 2003 I think I'll give you a chance to re-inflate and skip the hug, despite the fact i generally do the same thing anyway. Yep, I noticed that you spelled a few things wrong and that you didn't quite nail the punctuation right, but it's a great poem. I'm dark enough to tell you that if that's what you want to do though... as many times, even as of late I wish I could exercise the versatility of my motley collection of sharp objects. But, hopefully you'll do the right thing. Good poem, I can relate. >*_*<
DarkPainInside Posted October 5, 2003 Author Report Posted October 5, 2003 Hey (*HuGz!*) thanx all, u all made me feel v. welcome! thanx 4 the constructive critism/advice too!! cya @ skool chanz sweetie again, thanx 2 all who replied!!!
Parmenion Posted October 5, 2003 Report Posted October 5, 2003 I enjoyed the beat you used. I felt that it was a well written piece and flowed just like any good rap (though it may not have been meant in this fashion). Welcome to the Pen - hope you'll stick around both to share more of your works with us and to read the works of others and share your thoughts and feelings on them too. A couple o' more versus I think we could get Dr Dré interested :woot:
Recommended Posts