Untitled... suggestions?

[Merelas]

I don't usually write poetry, but in a sudden burst of inspiration, I did this. I hope you enjoy, and critique.

 

The fighters rose, and slowly chose each weapon they would use.

As they prepared, a fire glared, removing any attempt at ruse.

For, in the fire, vast desire was seen between the men;

And with each step, the fire crept, yet stayed where it had been.

 

And deep inside, neither could abide the company of the other—

If they had tried, they’d been denied—hatred does not smother.

 

And at long last, the metal clashed—steel met the steel of their foe

With ringing song, the battle raged on, blow by rattling blow.

 

With rage they met, the pace well kept, as they continued to duel.

If they were fatigued, they showed no need—hatred gave renewal.

 

These two foes continued their blows, striking down upon each other,

Until at last, the day had passed, and each could fight no further.

 

Through the night, neither felt fright—the battle would come tomorrow.

And through the pain, neither was afraid—neither felt regret nor sorrow.

For though the blows had each struck home, the battle was just begun.

Each had new notes, new words, new quotes—the debate would be won.

Edited October 5, 2003 by Merelas

[Ayshela]

nice. i LIKE your ending twist, btw.

were you aiming at a consistent rhythm with this? there's a couple rough spots, if so..

 

slowly choose

slowly chose?

 

As they prepared, a fire glared, and removed any attempt at ruse. perhaps "removed attempts"? you can slip in a leading soft syllable, but with "any" in there it's just too much to cram into the pattern you established

 

And with each step, the fire crept, though it stayed where it had been

yet stayed?

 

Second stanza, i'd omit the leading 'and'

the fires of hatred couldn’t be smothered

again, the phrase is good but several syllables too long for your pattern. perhaps something along the line of "hatred's fires don't smother"??

 

Next line - his their foe - which?

 

last stanza -

And through the night, neither felt any fright—the battle would come again tomorrow.

you have two successive lines beginning with 'and'. i'd omit this one. "Through the night, neither felt fright - they'd battle again tomorrow" or something like that. This line also, the last phrase is good, it makes sense, but it's too long for the pattern you established.

 

and lastly -

For though the blows had struck home

*this* one is just a bit short.

"For though the blows had each struck home"?? again, an illustrative suggestion.

 

Excellent concept, and nicely handled. I'd not only like to see it fully polished, i'd like to see you posting in here more often.

 

 

edit: the board is not liking quotes right now, changed to italics instead

Edited October 3, 2003 by Ayshela

[Alaeha]

Very, very nice... I think Ayshela made all of my suggestions... so...

 

Yes. Very nice. You really should write in here more often.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

*hugs and claps*

I loved it!

[Appy]

Great topic! Not bad at all for someone who normally doens't write poetry, well done, I enjoyed it

 

Great suggestions there also, better then any I could give.. I'd say use them as you please

[Ayshela]

*laughs* absolutely!

any suggestion i give is only ever that - a suggestion.

 

hmm. i thought had enough "perhaps"s and "suggestions" in there to have made that clear..

meh. <_>

Edited October 4, 2003 by Ayshela

[Appy]

eep! ofcourse they are that, suggestions, and that was clear.. I merely wanted to point out that not only being suggestions, they are "good" suggestions... sorry if I did something to annoy anyone... *hugs?*

[Ayshela]

*hugs*

you're fine.. breathe

[Peredhil]

Hugs the other critical people and assures them they're just fine, then turns to Merelas

 

Let me try this third time to give a response, and I'll keep it short for a change. Looks warily at his computer, which stares blandly back.

 

Did well. Post more. Push your comfort zone and try new skills.

[Merelas]

Thank you so much to everyone who offered comments, especially Ayshela for all your help. Post edited with all suggestions applied, I think... It reads much better now... the rhyme scheme in the last mini-stanza is really weak, but I couldn't think of anything else. I don't often write poetry, and I was really surprised on how well (in my opinion) this turned out. I think I might be attempting it more often, if the muse smacks me about with a large trout more often, that is

 

Thanks again for everyone's comments, and I hope to try a bit more

[Ayshela]

hey, hey, post your edited version... pretty please?

[Merelas]

Well... I edited the post above.

 

If that doesn't work, give me a PM, and I'll send it to you, if you want.

[Ayshela]

Marvelous! for the sake of seeing the growth of the piece it might be better to leave the original intact and simply add the revised version in a later post.. otherwise all the commentary seems a little senseless.

 

The ONLY comment i will add beyond - i love this! - is that the second line is still one "foot" too long. it's not unworkable, but it is noticable in a read-through. That "any" in there just shoves the syllables beyond the pattern you're working with.

 

But - i really, really like this. i'm so glad to see you posting here! Now.. how much rope would i need to KEEP you in this hall? };>

[Appy]

*breathes*

 

oh, mind if I make a suggestion for that second line there? Always loved playing with words to make it fit

 

Origninal:

"As they prepared, a fire glared, removing any attempt at ruse."

 

My suggestion:

"As they prepared, a fire glared, removing all attempts at ruse"

 

simple change, gone is the 'foot', I think?

 

Meep, almost forgot to post what I wanted to post, which is, Great poem! I still love the topic there...

 

*goes in search for rope to help Ayshela in keeping you here*

Edited October 5, 2003 by Appy

[Parmenion]

I do enjoy a good poem about a duel - I think you painted a marvellous picture Merelas. It shows a good imagination and a powerful vocab source. Well done!