Wylde Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 Your words turn to poisen , they infect my soul but i have still risen, and must become whole The path you have chose , has crushed my heart like a dying rose, I was torn apart I tried to change my love, but my mind was frozen so i picked up this pen, and tried to rise above but through it all , you've offered my protection a lot of love and affection, but still my heart does fall Wylde
Loki Wyrd Posted September 23, 2003 Report Posted September 23, 2003 Hmm...I have some suggestions. Not really anything to do with the actual poem, so much as the spelling/grammar. poisen - poison The path you have chose - The path you chose Oh, and be sure to capitalize 'I'. I'll have a stab at the poem itself sometime in the near future.
Ayshela Posted September 23, 2003 Report Posted September 23, 2003 you have an excellent concept here. bear that in mind when considering *all* comments, okay? i second Loki's suggestion, the grammar on the first line of the second stanza is off and "the path you chose" works much better. you have a viable rhyme scheme in the first half, which you have abandoned in the second half. if that was not a deliberate choice, some reworking for consistency (either way, rhyming or not) would improve its readability. i'm glad to see you posting. this is a good concept with a lot of potential.
Loki Wyrd Posted September 23, 2003 Report Posted September 23, 2003 *nods* You do change your rhyming scheme, and this can throw people off. Maybe if you put in a different type of divider, that would give people an idea that your poem is changing, that would help out. I know I have changed my rhyme scheme throughout a poem, and I don't feel that there is anything wrong with that, you just need to make sure it is done smoothly.
Wylde Posted September 23, 2003 Author Report Posted September 23, 2003 I do know that the rhyming changes but that is what i wanted to do , thank you for your suggestions Wylde
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