Kayleana Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 I always found this poem of mine a little annouying So tell me what you think of it. ~~~~~~~~ A Watery Cave Water shimmering, On the silver walls. Water dripping, Off the sliver walls. The sound of water, Hitting the silver walls. It is amazing, Seeing the silver walls. But it’s just a watery cave, With silver walls. What a gorgeous sight, Everything white from the mist. Little rainbows, Made by the mist. Cool drops of water, From the mist. The fresh smell around me, Created by the mist. Kisses kissing me all over, Coming from the mist. I wish to be no were else, But this watery cave. Everything is so peaceful, In the watery cave. So many people love it, Here in the watery cave. Seeing the silver walls and mist, It’s all just beginning in the watery cave. But no one ever stays, For it is just a watery cave.
Nyyark Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 I wouldn't call this annoying myself. I think it could be reworked a little, working on a more consistant meter, but I do think its really cool. I like the same word motiv. It aids the feeling of serenity.
Loki Wyrd Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 I like the last stanza a lot. Very nicely done. I think you pulled off the repitious element of the poem great in that part, but the first two seem like they need some work still. I love a poem that ends strong though. Keep on trucking. BTW...last stanza, first line....should it not be nowhere as opposed to no were?
sleepless Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 Individually I found each verse breathtakingly beautiful. But together, well... let me just take the repeated words from each stanza and put them next to each other. silvery walls. the mist. watery cave. See what I mean? Some words/phrases flow together, and some don't. Admittedly it isn't helped by the fact that the middle set is to syllables shorter than the other two.. maybe that's something to look into? In your poem, it's vital that they smoothly go from one to the next; because once the reader gets into the pattern of the poem, it stops being read as individual stanzas. Putting a new two words to be repeated (I loved the repeating btw) that are so different from the last one breaks up the natural course of the reading. I think - I hope - that you'd find it less 'annoying' if you could get the verses to work together Best of Luck.
Loki Wyrd Posted September 23, 2003 Report Posted September 23, 2003 It's good you know what you're talking about when it comes to poems, I surely do not. Or maybe you're just better at disguising your ignorance...
Wylde Posted September 23, 2003 Report Posted September 23, 2003 Nicely done ,i've heard this one before im sure from you , and i agree it is a little annoying but it is not my style of writing *hugs* talk to ya soon Wylde
reverie Posted September 29, 2003 Report Posted September 29, 2003 honestly, the phrase "silver walls" seemed over used... rev...
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