Sorciere Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 Can't you see The twisting your words cause me? The writhing they stir up inside The hurt they force my face to hide If only you could see deep down The person here inside this clown I make the jokes to warm your soul Within I try to keep control I tell myself you do love me But it is getting hard to see Your comments finding open wounds Your questions seeking hidden rooms The marks are mounting on my skin From cuts you make from deep within If only you could truly see What your words can do to me I cannot hold the ache for long I will soon sing my bitter song Maybe then you'll realise I am the things that you despise That in my heart I am the one You laugh, insult and poke for fun That the one you hold so dear Is also one at whom you sneer What will pass across your mind? The thoughts of how you've been unkind? The words you let fall from your lips That stab like knives and sting like whips Maybe it will make you see How much you can hurt easily If I must, I will reveal So I can begin to heal. (please excuse any typos, so very tired, so very, very, tired and distracted! Sorciere casts an eye over the beer talkers in #thepen
Alaeha Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 I love this... I was thinking along those lines just tonight. *Hugs* If I could make a suggestion... try breaking it up a bit. It's a really good read, but it gives me a bit of a headache trying to read such a huge chunk of text without any line breaks.
Loki Wyrd Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 I like it. I don't mind it being one chunk myself, I'm used to reading lyrics, and that's how I read this basically.
Wylde Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 I loved your poem as i was reading it it reminded me of my friend and I , and it really made me think about it Wylde
Merelas Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 I... needed that, somehow. I don't know how else to say it... but it was very, very good. Thank you for sharing.
Peredhil Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 I apologize for losing power when we were discussing this on IRC - but very pleased to see the product. You are a delight to read.
Appy Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 supurb! I read it twice just because I love the flow.. great work
Sorciere Posted September 19, 2003 Author Report Posted September 19, 2003 (edited) Thank you Alaeha, you're right I think about breaking it up, or your eyes seem to just run along the page, I had the same problem myself this morning (That's what happens when you post at a silly hour hehe) so here is the sliced version. for those who liked it the way it was, I left it intact at the beginning of the post Can't you see The twisting your words cause me? The writhing they stir up inside The hurt they force my face to hide If only you could see deep down The person here inside this clown I make the jokes to warm your soul Within I try to keep control I tell myself you do love me But it is getting hard to see Your comments finding open wounds Your questions seeking hidden rooms The marks are mounting on my skin From cuts you make from deep within If only you could truly see What your words can do to me I cannot hold the ache for long I will soon sing my bitter song Maybe then you'll realise I am the things that you despise That in my heart I am the one You laugh, insult and poke for fun That the one you hold so dear Is also one at whom you sneer What will pass across your mind? The thoughts of how you've been unkind? The words you let fall from your lips That stab like knives and sting like whips Maybe it will make you see How much you can hurt easily If I must, I will reveal So I can begin to heal. Edited September 19, 2003 by Sorciere
WrenWind Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 This is good it flows very well ....it also hits hard leaving me with a lump in my throat holding back unshed tears.
Parmenion Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 Excellent! Seems scarily like the reverse angle of that song I wrote at work today in some ways. This is a class read, Again - you have the nack of getting across in vivid detail raw human emotion and human thoughts in a very real and down to earth fashion. I think the fact that you've written this in the first person gives the emotional element a real kick to it. Like Wren said - it does cause a lump in the throat!
Sorciere Posted September 23, 2003 Author Report Posted September 23, 2003 BIG thanks to Alaeha who went through this for me and pointed out some great alterations and grammatical points (I always was useless with punctuation hehe). This is the revamped version. I can't stand it... can't you see the twisting your words cause in me, The writhing they stir up inside, The anguish I am forced to hide? If only you could see deep down, The person here inside this clown... I make the jokes to warm your soul, while mine is frozen in this hole. I tell myself that you love me, but it is getting hard to see. Your comments finding open wounds... Your questions seeking hidden rooms... The marks are mounting on my skin from cuts you make from deep within. If only you could truly see Just what your words have done to me I cannot hold this ache for long I soon will sing my bitter song Maybe then you'll realize: I'm all the things that you despise... That in my heart I am the one You laugh, insult and taunt for fun. That I, the one you hold so dear am also one at whom you sneer Then what thoughts will find your mind? Then, will you think you've been unkind? The words you let fall from your lips, That stab like knives and sting like whips Maybe it will let you see How much you have hurt carelessly. If I must, I will reveal Maybe then my soul will heal.
Alaeha Posted September 24, 2003 Report Posted September 24, 2003 (edited) No thanks necessary... really... I enjoyed doing it. It was nice to be able to go through someone else's poem and suggest entire new lines or pairs of lines without feeling guilty about rewriting or "taking over" someone else's work. Glad to know that I could help with it... Edited September 24, 2003 by Alaeha
Salinye Posted September 26, 2003 Report Posted September 26, 2003 This is a really well thought out and well written poem. I like the modifications you've done already. I think it's very powerful, and spells out the sickness of codependancy (sp?) so well. ~Salinye
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