reverie Posted September 14, 2003 Report Posted September 14, 2003 Alone, but only just so… I find myself in my usual state, Lost again in that weary flow of thought That calls on me to justify my existence. Aloof and alone, but only just so… I speak to the voice, which is me. In quiet tones of acquiescence... For I am never truly alone Just starved for good conversation… I, apologizing for the silence, Listen, as somewhere deep and willfully half-forgotten, a child cries again: Where are we going, and why are we here? And why does our heart spill over with tears? Why do I die, while you get to thrive? In forgiveness half-given, but only half-tried. If turmoil kills me, then I bless back to you A Three-fold forgotten misshapen half-truth As we cling and we chafe to memory’s waste, I remember... the horror and price to make safe. What is it we did, or did much too late? To burden with lies, so selfish we hate… I pull back from the gaze, which burns my wisdom so thin And makes the reality of myself seem so hollow to that loneliest side of me, I, we linger in the remembrance, sometimes too long For I do regret almost everything, and fear that it shows For the mirror of memory glows slowly in sullen repose Aloof and alone, but only just so I struggle to make peace, with the child I released… revery the dreamlost "so aaahh..." the dream continues...
Peredhil Posted September 14, 2003 Report Posted September 14, 2003 Mmmm. I have this dark side to my sense of humor that bursts forth at times like these, totally inappropriate. Such as quoting the Eagles' song, "I'd like to find your inner child and -" Well anyway. Seriously, I like this. You really have a knack of smoothly and obliquely touching on very real subjects and considering them without forcing them down the reader's throat. I enjoy reading your works.
Loki Wyrd Posted September 14, 2003 Report Posted September 14, 2003 I enjoyed it enough to read it a second time. =)
Alaeha Posted September 14, 2003 Report Posted September 14, 2003 Heh, Peredhil... I'm the one who bursts out laughing half the time while listening to songs like Stone Sour's Inhale, or Bother. It did strike me as being a little odd that the child's voice in this sounded so... well... mature, and in some ways better educated than the other. But apart from that, I really like this. The ending of it seems to me to be particularly well done.
reverie Posted September 14, 2003 Author Report Posted September 14, 2003 (edited) thanx all... yeah, kids say the darnest things don't they... they can cut right to heart of something without even knowing how deeping they are treading... (just saw I am Sam today... good movie... smart kid, not so smart dad, nothing to do with the poem... but still a good movie) hmm, am wondering whether or not I should change 3rd the last stanza... I can make it rhyme... but not sure if i want the first voice to sound too much like the second... or maybe i should to show the impact of the 2nd on the 1st... or.... @$!$@!@%@#% sheesh... devils is really in the details... anyway it'd go something like this: I pull back from the gaze, which burns my wisdom so thin And makes the reality of myself seem so hollow within I, we linger in the remembrance, sometimes too long ...hmm, nah... I keep the way it is... revery the dreamlost "'i'm looking through you, your not the same(beatles)" the dream continues... Edited September 14, 2003 by reverie
Ayshela Posted September 14, 2003 Report Posted September 14, 2003 *nod* i'd say keep it non-rhyming as it would seem a bit odd to start non-rhyming in that voice and end rhyming, without a clearer "lean" from the second voice in influence. as far as the "child" voice.. a child is not necessarily extremely young. i found no discord in the wording, but perhaps listening to my own inner child's complaints over the years has warped my perspective.
Yuki Kokoro Posted November 25, 2003 Report Posted November 25, 2003 Now that I've finally joined The Pen I just had to bump this back up because a.) I adore reverie's work and had to let him know and b.) this is well worth a second read (or a first read for those who missed it). In forgiveness half-given, but only half-tried. If turmoil kills me, then I bless back to you A Three-fold forgotten misshapen half-truth These lines flow so naturally, but with such a unique rhythm. No matter how I try to figure out how he does that I never quite manage, the every third syllable stressed is just so... liquid sounding. The title appeals to me also, "Alone, but only just so". Not depressed about it, merely thoughtful. As well as: "For I am never truly alone/ Just starved for good conversation…" Your thoughts are expressed very eloquently and I envy your ability to write so well with a stream of consciousness style. So thank you for sharing reverie, and... any chance you'll get lost in another weary flow of thought any time soon?
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