Tattered Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 (edited) I couldn't sleep last night I tossed and turned and couldn't relax My eyes would shut and terror would enter My dreams were haunting I woke in fear All the anxieties and fears in my life Kept my eyes scanning through the night I think I am going stark raving mad I think I have lost all sense I don't think I can handle one more task My days are filled with thoughts and worries What am I doing wrong, And how can I do it better in a hurry? This is a serious matter I am not sure how much longer I can take the heat of this suffering My debts could consume me alone My insecurities keep me from success How can I be a better mother? Too often I am filled with anger There is too much doubt within Too many fears of not metting expectations Too many failures under my belt What is the point anymore? Who Am I kidding, my life was wasted I acomplished nothing I think I ruined my daughter I amount to nothing I didn't even finish school I didn't even live up to my own ideals I didn't even come close I am working to pay my bills I am running to keep up I am stressing to remeber to look relaxed I don't even know why I am doing it anymore This life will run out My youth is in short supply This isn't how I want to die I can't stand it anymore Everyday I get down on myself For all the unfinished business I have I am afraid of my finacial situation When will I fall, NOT if How Do I get out There is no quick fix How much more can my daughter take? with me its just one catastrophy after another I just dont' f-ing know how the hell other people do It I am inadequate What the hell is wrong with me? I should have never have taken on so many things All day long I think about what I do wrong And I just keep telling myself it'll be ok "I WILL DO IT" I WILL DO IT I WILL DO IT I WIll be as perfect as possible I WILL COOK EVERY NIGHT I WILL DO AND BE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE I WORK 7 Hrs a day AND when I get home I WILL CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE I WILL LANDSCAPE THE WHOLE FRONT/BACK YARDS I WILL GARDEN WITH MY DAUGHTER AND WATER THE DIEING GRASS I WILL WASH AND FOLD AND FINISH MY LAUNDRY I WILL VACUUM MOP SCRUB DUST PLOISH AND DISSINFECT EVERY CONER OF LIVING SPACE ABOVE AND BELOW I WILL ON TOP OF ALL THAT COOK A DELICIOUS MEAL SIT DOWN TOGETHER WITH MY DAUGHTER W/OUT TV TALK TO HER AND READ HER BOOKS FOR HOURS TEACH HER TO READ AND WRITE AND DO MATH I WILL TEACH HER TO BE KIND AND PATIENT AND A GOOD FRIEND I WILL LIVE ALL MY DREAMS WHILE I TAKE HER TO BALLET, SOCCER, TAP, GYM, BASKETBALL AND TEACH HER HOP SCOTCH I WILL GO TO CHURCH AND EVERYWHERE ELSE ON TIME AND ON SCHEDULE I WILL BE SUPER MOM ON TOP OF ALL THAT I WILL BE PRESENTABLE COACH BASKETBALL WORK OUT EAT RIGHT STUDY HARD IN SCHOOL STUDY SCRIPTURES GROW, LEARN TAKE IT ALL ALL AALLLAALLLAL ALL ALL IN AAAAND GET US TO BED EARLY EVERY NIGHT I JUST CANT BE ENOUGH Ok so that sounds extreme BUT which part? I cant just disscount EVERYTHING I can't just disscount one thing ALL those things need to happen And I am just one person But without those things How the hell How Am I How in the world can I be happy? Edited September 12, 2003 by Tattered
Peredhil Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 Hmmm. Given the choice, I'd choose the positive affirmations. Shoot for them and forgive yourself for failure - and try again. Things like "superMom" are almost asking to fail, in my experience. Little tiny goals, boring baby steps they may be, often get you further on the board across the chasm than taking a running leap shouting, "I can, I can!". Positive thinking only seems to work for me, at least, when combined with reality. I WILL listen to my daughter for 30 more seconds before cutting her off. I WILL ensure that tonight, I've looked through her homework and praised her for each part done right - and then explained gently what was wrong and why - then praise her for fixing it. Being present the whole time. I will turn off the TV, and be in the same room with my daughter for 1/2 hour. If there is nothing to fill the silence, I will force her to choose to have me read a book or a chapter to her, or her to read a book or a chapter to me. I will not allow other choices. The next time I blow up at someone, when I've calmed down, I will apologize for blowing up. If I was right, I will not apologize for being right - only for how I communicated. Small achievable goals, for which you can praise yourself unmercifully, allowing none of the voices which started the piece to stop you no matter how "false" you know the praise to be. Point the accomplishment and say, "argue with results - goal set, goal achieved". Train to be a winner instead of training to be a failure.
Ayshela Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 now *there's* something i can follow... Tattered - my sympathy and understanding.. you have a knack for writing what i feel but either can't find words for, or wouldn't dare to say. Peredhil - illuminating as ever, thank you. a definite, concrete series of small things, small steps, graspable how-to's.. even *i* can follow that. thank you.
Tattered Posted September 12, 2003 Author Report Posted September 12, 2003 (edited) Thank you both for your support. It means a lot to me. I know that you both speak from experience and that makes your words all the more potent. Peredhil, once again, your words are sweet. Do you ever just get sick of knowing everything and being right all the time? Honestly, I really do refer back to your words from time to time, for strength and inspiration. Those people in your life with whom you share your daily knowledge, have much to benifit. Thank you. Ayshela, you are too kind to say that I have a knack. I am aware of the things you write, and you've got miles on me, hun. I am glad that SOMEONE out there can relate though. I feel as though I should appologize for just unloading like that. I actually wrote this entry last night, but was debating whether to put it here or not. I guess I shouldn't feel bad for :woot: freaking out sometimes. But you know, I want PERFECTION. Don't we all? I am a little embarrased that you got to read me like this... Oh well. No regets just a little red. Anyway I seriously had THEE worst anxiety nightmares last night and I didn't fall to sleep until 5am when I called my bank to check my balance. Ahaha. It's pathetic, yet true. Everything was just fine so, I slept late and my whole day went that way, behind schedule and irritating. SSOO, "Positive Thinking" Peredhil, on the contrary, works for me as well. I have been just surviving off that stuff for a long time. But yes, it can be a forced effort at times. That's where the whole "I WILL..." comes in. Not I can or I want to, but I Must. I don't leave myself the choice. I learned the hard way, how DEEP the depression can be of negative thinking. So I force myself to like me. LOL. It's true. It works. Thanks again. Maybe my next entry should be in those "Private Chambers" Edited September 12, 2003 by Tattered
Ayshela Posted September 12, 2003 Report Posted September 12, 2003 meh.. it sneaked up and got you. only goes to show you're as human as the rest of us. i've spent my nights like that too, and it always looks and feels a little silly by the light of day, but at the time and in the dark of night it's overwhelming. no need for either apologies or embarassment, IMO. *hugs*
Tralla Posted September 12, 2003 Report Posted September 12, 2003 I think just about anybody can associate with at least part of this... And I'll be the first to admit I really have no right or experience to offer advice But I agree with Pere on this one, about little things being key. If you're lying in bed at night stressing, toss the bank balance aside and think about one cool or funny or nice or just plain positive thing that you did/saw/heard/smelt... Like, exchanging a couple happy words and a smile with your neighbour that morning, or hearing your favourite song on the radio and (or not) dancing to it, or seeing something really cool your daughter did. Take the littlest, silliest, tiniest things if you have to, as long as they bring you peace and make you smile. Then you can sleep and be rested and fulfill one small part of your many aspirations on the 'morrow. Like I said, I'm in no place to offer advice to a parent, but this philosophy has helped me get through a lot of depression and a few nervous breakdowns, so... Be Happy.
Peredhil Posted September 12, 2003 Report Posted September 12, 2003 Do you ever just get sick of knowing everything and being right all the time? Doubles over laughing I'm told I'm a difficult person to have as a husband or parent... I'm relentlessly loving, patient, and inflexible on certain standards...
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