Sorciere Posted September 9, 2003 Report Posted September 9, 2003 Overlook me not you ruling eye Pass not this stubborn child I am but one And yet I come Defiant, seeking, wild Glance not o'er my little frame Or dare dismiss my face I am here too As strong as you Part of this human race Ignore me now for your own needs And you shall come to see When you are old And all is told You shall be lead by me So wary tread upon my rights Or mute my point of view I am but one And yet I come Behind me forms a queue
Peredhil Posted September 9, 2003 Report Posted September 9, 2003 I think this really has a spark to it that could be grand - but I had trouble when I was reading it with some of the phrasing. Could be me though.
The Portrait of Zool Posted September 9, 2003 Report Posted September 9, 2003 The last line is good, but the wording is odd... Can't really think of any suggestions though. I especially appreciate this because it is now official, I have custody of the boys.
Peredhil Posted September 9, 2003 Report Posted September 9, 2003 Peredhil reads Zool's feedback, nodding - and gets to the line about custody. Whee - that's wonderful!!! I'm so filled with joy for you - you must feel the relief and pleasure like the first drink of water after a desert trek. Erm, back to our regularly scheduled thread...
Ayshela Posted September 10, 2003 Report Posted September 10, 2003 i swear i responded to this one... strange.. i didn't find the flow of this odd at all, actually. It does, though, rather remind me of the saying "be nice to your children, they'll choose your nursing home." i liked it. Zool - wonderful! my heartiest congratulations! *hugs*
Appy Posted September 10, 2003 Report Posted September 10, 2003 (edited) I like it! Very well worded. The first time I read it I too indeed had some trouble with the flow but that must've been because it was late at night, now that it's morning it flows perfectly. Another little gem Edited September 10, 2003 by Appy
The Portrait of Zool Posted September 10, 2003 Report Posted September 10, 2003 Thanks everyone. Yes, it is a great day.
Sorciere Posted September 10, 2003 Author Report Posted September 10, 2003 Thx for the comments For those having trouble, are there any lines in particular you find awkward? Maybe I could rework it some. Congrats Zool!
Appy Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 Oh right, Congrats Zool! *walks away mumbling; wanted to put that in my former post.. dunno where my head's at*
Solivagus Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 Custody of the kids...how is that a good thing?! Loved the poetry Sorc
Mira Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 "And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worlds Are immune to your consultations They’re quite aware of what they’re going through" Changes -David Bowie- Good poem. I really like this subject.
Tralla Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 "...And little people know When little people fight We may look easy pickings but we got some bite! So never kick a dog because it just a pup You better run for cover when the pup grow up!" - Les Miserables, Original London Production LOVE the poem, Sorc. =) It really does flow quite nicely, I found. The only problem I found with the last line is that it seems... open ended. Just the tone of the way I read it, perhaps, but it feels unfinished. Wish I could recommend a fix, but I hope that helps. Way to go, Zoolicoo! =)
Parmenion Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 This was excellent. You've written a lot of poems about the mind and views of children that seem uncannily accurate. I can remember feeling that way as a child but if I try thinking about how I felt about a specific thing it loses its cohesion as modern day thoughts smother it. How or where do you find such clarity of mind or inspiration? Another fabulous piece!
Peredhil Posted September 11, 2003 Report Posted September 11, 2003 Ha! Reread with a bit of sleep in me, and found the cadence. If it's read correctly, it bounces right along, doesn't it? I thought it good before, but now I think it's great.
Tattered Posted September 12, 2003 Report Posted September 12, 2003 Ha, I don't know if you changed anything from all those comments, But if not DON'T. It didn't read weird to me one bit. That may be due to the fact that my mind thinks abstract and skips order. But I got it. Every line. I understood and it added to the depth of the poem- the way it was written. Marvelous. Give me more.
Sorciere Posted September 15, 2003 Author Report Posted September 15, 2003 Haha, I haven't altered anything. I was mulling over it when the pattern of the thread seemd to change in my direction I am so happy to see it bring out so many other quotes from various sources though, when writing it I felt it was something that meant a lot to a lot of people for different reasons. Thankyou all.
Rhapsody Posted September 20, 2003 Report Posted September 20, 2003 Oi! I love it. The structure wasn't a problem to me. It made it flow that much better. I especially liked the last line, how you're setting an example for others. "...And little people know When little people fight We may look easy pickings but we got some bite! So never kick a dog because it just a pup You better run for cover when the pup grow up!" - Les Miserables, Original London Production TRALLA! It reminded me of Gavroche too! Are you a Les Miserables fanatic like me?
Sorciere Posted September 20, 2003 Author Report Posted September 20, 2003 (edited) I have to just say I have a soft spot for Victor Hugo too, although I have never really seen or read Les Mis To see the quotes from his works here makes me smile so much! Edited September 20, 2003 by Sorciere
Tralla Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 ooooooh yeah, Rhapsody. =) The first musical/broadway-ish thing I ever saw was a recording of the 10th Anniversary or Les Mis, and it's still my absolute favourite thing to date. (Side note: Can't remember her name, but the Fantine in that is SO much better than icky ol' Patty LePuke from the original. >.< )
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