Peredhil Posted September 9, 2003 Report Posted September 9, 2003 The working thread I do like the conversational gambit of your work. One thing you've mentioned is self-checking your own poems. One thing that's worked for me is to read it aloud and listen to the rhythm and beat, if it's a rhyming poem. If that brings to light any suggestions for change, implement the change and then have someone else read it aloud to you. You may find that they, not knowing how it should sound, do the breathing and phrasing in a totally different pattern. Where the lines break, how you use punctuation, these can help with maintaining the pattern you want. -Peredhil
Appy Posted September 9, 2003 Report Posted September 9, 2003 Thank you for editing and posting this for me! (i'm still a bit lost on these boards as you see *giggle*) I guess I'm going to have to bug my husband for the reading *grin* It's definitly worth a try. Thankies again One of the things that I already noticed is that I have a hard time projecting the "picture" that is in my head on paper, so that other people actually understand what is being said. My appliance poem is one of those that you have to read like the "Longing" poem in the working thread... I doubt many realised it :S Oh well, back to the drawing-... uhm, writingtable
Merelas Posted September 15, 2003 Report Posted September 15, 2003 Oh dear... I do believe I've posted my critique in the wrong place... hmm... Sorry for the clutter, Appy... feel free to report it, if you like.
Appy Posted September 15, 2003 Report Posted September 15, 2003 Thats ok, Merelas, I'm sometimes lost on these boards aswell still Thanks for your kind words
Ayshela Posted September 15, 2003 Report Posted September 15, 2003 quick proofread - i find nothing out of place. nicely written.
Regel Posted September 30, 2003 Report Posted September 30, 2003 Hi Appy, The first part : Apathy rules my body Boredom paints my eyes Reluctance tugs my sleeve Confusion tickles my spine Displeasure kisses my lips Annoyance screams in my ears Irrelevance plays with my mind Is almost too strong to comment on. I really enjoyed the word choices you made. It looked at first as though you were going for some sort of alphabetical theme here with Reluctance jumping in out of order (A,B,C,D) but the only thing I was wondering about is a small thing. After: My turn Defiance dances with my corpse Excitement radiates my cheeks Anger beats inside my blood Tension permeates my muscles Memory stings at my skin Hunger yaps at my heels Heritage beat my soul Conflict is my life Is it me or does"Heritage beat my soul" sound better as "Heritage beats my soul"? Your call. Very nice piece.
Appy Posted October 1, 2003 Report Posted October 1, 2003 Ah... oh.... oops! First of all, thanks for your comment, Regel! The revised, finished version is already posted though...and in that I replaced the "Heritage beat(s) my soul" with "Heritage made my soul" What I 'really' wanted/needed was critisism on the last poem I posted in the "my" thread, called "Rejoice" Apologies for the confusion! I just figured I would continue posting the poems I need help on in that one thread.. maybe I should give them their own thread afterall? *walks away pondering on the various uses of the rooms of the Pen in this particular case*
Beautiful Nightmare Posted October 12, 2003 Report Posted October 12, 2003 *nods* im lost ne one wanna point me in the right direction? /me smiles at appy! nice poem!
Appy Posted November 5, 2003 Report Posted November 5, 2003 Could someone either remove or rename this post? I feel a bit silly with my name perched on top like that /o\ At least now, that i'm the only one... *meeps and hides under her blanky*
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