Appy

*giggles* 's brilliant *wipes away a laughing tear* And for once I wasn't the confused one!

So far... Veeery interesting. You write well, keeping my attention like that (and that really sais something lately, I can't wrestle myself through some of my favorite books anymore *rolls eyes*) One thing though, in your latest addition, that had me confused for a bit. In this passage: Suddenly he realized that one of the large men in the black suits was standing right next to him and looking around impassively. He looked slightly startled, wondering how he had managed to get so close to him without him noticing. Before he could give the matter much more thought, the big man started to talk. The highlighted part there.. I found it confusing as to who He was.. that gets somewhat clearer in the next passage, but even so, I think it would do the flow of the story good if you could clarify it a bit... I even have a proposition Change: He looked slightly startled To: He felt slightly startled ... for me personaly that would make it much clearer and not draw the attention away from the actual story-line. My 2 cents on that one Hmm... Maybe even remove the first him in the latter part... Making it: wondering how he had managed to get so close without him noticing But that's nitpicking All I really want to say is.. keep writing it, me wants more of the preciousss -Appy

~ Thank you for taking apart my poem and making me look at it again, I found that I needed to let it sink for a long time, but finally I have a first revision ~ Tears streaming freely and fully Try not to wail The world need not know Pain forcing sound over twisted lips muffled by a pillow pressing it closer hoping it can replace the warmth of a hug It never does Coldness enters Like a desert night Suddenly and quickly nothing is left of the heated Emotional fountain only uneventfull horizons But the ground trembles despite my efforst Another fountain waiting to burst It always does ~ I'm still not happy with the two 'fountain' in the 6th and 10th line of the last stanza, but working on that I'll also work on some constructive comment to reply to some of your contructive comments -Appy out, for now ~

It was written with that in mind yes, in my opinion, humans are manipulative, even in love, or maybe even especially in love? I don't know.. I see your point and hope everybody will think like that one day... On the other hand, there's team-work in a relationship, and society and 'motherhood' happen to force most couples to live in this kind of uhm, mutual understanding.. see, the guy still most of the time is the one going out and making money, while the woman stays home and makes the house a place people can live in, plus takes care of kids most of the time, that time being when the guy is at work making money so they even can have kids and a house.... It is therefor in my opinion very valuable in this time of age, to have housework accepted as being WORK.. and not just something that comes with having kids... it's work people, we just don't get paid for it except in those little rewards of having a nice evening on the couch in a pretty environment instead of living like dogs on a waste-deposit...it's still icky and no fun... just like most of you think about boring bureau jobs and anything that you do "to keep the money flow in" (I envy those people with a job that they really truly enjoy and love.. I really do, and 99% of the world-population with me prolly ) ok now I'm ranting, don't take all this too serious and I'll glare in a meaningfull way at anyone trying to attack me on the rant above... it's opinions of the moment, I'm allowed to change that opinion at any point, and I am more then willing to listen to other peoples opinions about this subject, but let's keep that in private from here on.... seems like the best idea I had today Thanks for commenting Peredhil, and I'm glad you thought it well written PS: incindentally, that little rant is exactly behind the realisation of both persons in the poem, they both work on their environment and in that way on their relationship, in the only way that they know, the one they learned from either their parents or other kids parents when they were little... it's what's 'done' [RantMode = OFF] -Appy out

hey no worries I know all about confusing yourself and remembering things differently then they actually were, because you did or didn't do something... babble babble yadda yadda (protective babbling preventing more confusion .. I hope ) It's ok, really. *hugs*

First off, thanks for commenting Zariah and Katz, I'm glad you like it Then.. uhm.. First post in Workshop And then look at this one... *points up*.. There is no change.. I kept it the way it was because it was working the way I wanted it to. You might understand my confusion about your comment there Katz Do you mean that you would've liked it better had I put the commenting italics directly under the stanza's, instead of putting empty lines around the italics? -Appy ~ did I make sense? ~

~ possibly finished, tell me what you think ~ Someone should tell you What is wrong Because you cannot look without yourself At the things you do Someone should tell you What is wrong Only then can you work from within yourself On the things you do Someone should tell you What is wrong About the things you do 13 04 2004, Leverkusen

Yupyup I enjoyed reading this. There's not a word too much inthere, and it's short length only compliments the content. I also know what you mean heh *innocent look* You should write more

Why do you always do that? You always leave your socks on the floor! I love you.. And you never clean your plate or your coffeecup for that matter! I love you.. It's always me who ends up cleaning and wiping and washing! I love you.. I wish you would do more around the house.. *sigh* I love you... ..What? I love you.. Oh no… The way you always have that string of hair in front of your face blowing it away constantly while doing the dishes Oh no, don’t do that… and how you move and bend while picking up my socks I hate it when you do that.. The way you are always buzzing around the house, doing two or even three things at the same time stop being so sweet... stop it! while still making sure I get a hug… before leaving …for work I love you *sigh* I love you too.. 040407 ~ Leverkusen

Ok so I didn't read the post .. but why on earth is my name mentioned there, vigil? Adress anything you say to Solivagus.. he's the one who wants answers afterall.. sheesh -A grumpy Appy

He's right though.. *points at Aardvark in a meaningful way* dun dun duuun...

~ OOC: Mind if I bring in a new character at this point already? I'm not sure how often I can or want to participate yet, and she allows for long periods of silence from my part, that's why... plus that she's a ghost Tell me if it's inappropriate. ~ Wild Joker, last of her clan, felt the tugging of the ceremony and went to investigate. Surely Laranta would not have been as foolish to use THAT as a safe guard? But no, the passing of the woman had been in acception. This was new…

*claps in her hands* ooh goody I'll join in as soon as I had the time to read up, thanks

Holding her breath she looked at him. His eyes glaced over and he whispered her name. That was all she needed. Turning around her shoulders shook with the burden laid upon her. Never would she see him again. It would not be the same person. Would not be her son. Difficult difficult.. but very interesting to do I'm looking forward to if and when you'll start this as a project of any sort

This struck me as sweet. Especially how you wrapped it up with your last sentence Deeming you as no threat Very sweet and almost tender ending there I have to admit though, that at first it seemed a very forced form and word-choice to me. But after reading it again and again for some days I think it works afterall in the end. Maybe because of the determination of the narrator and the strength that almost turns into a force when you consider ..overcomming life's convictions A piece not to be read lightly, well done

and a fun read for sure thanks for sharing

http://www.themightypen.net/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif I know that thought-pattern.... chaos also has a pattern yes don't see why you're not allowed to freestyle

*nodnod* so true

oh my... Really too much credit there hun But I thank you ofcourse *hugs* One thing ... just that I would like to explain myself here and you'll hopefully see why I think you give me too much credit. This line here.. How to say this.. exactly that is what I NOT wanted to ask/tackle with this poem.... no wait, wrong angle... uhm.... *thinks hard* What I really want to say with this poem is that we have no choice in the matter of being alone or not... what I'm trying to say is that, in our heads, minds, behind your eyes.. you are always alone (except in those rare cases of multiple-person-syndrom that know about eachother ofcourse, and even then, somehow, they are all you.) Whatever goes on in your head, behind your eyes, is 'for your eyes only' so to say. There is NO way that you can exactly explain what's going on in there to anyone outside (let alone that you can be sure that the other understood) ... not without telepathy, one of my biggest wishes to have as an ability Parmy, I really like your explanation of this little writing and I'm honored that you think I'm able to work my way through thought-processes that way.. but I'm not. Just telling *hugs*

*baffled* Great work.. I know that feeling, at least partly, I wish I could accept more.. And wish I had more to say *hugs*

Have fun

*hugs* I have put my words through private message, since it's a delicate subject for me, plus I didn't want to flood the board with a huge post What I'll say here is this: Realisation is the MasterKey. Regarding that, and reading your post, my personal conclusion is that you're on the right way hun. Don't give up *hugs again*

Oh yes, I was thinking the exact same thing Zool! Aard.. if you ever find the courage/time/whatever inspiration you have... draw part two.. Pleaaase!

http://www.themightypen.net/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif

Tears streaming freely and fully Try not to wail The world need not know Pain forcing sound over my lips muffled by a pillow pressing it closer hoping it can replace a warmfelt hug It never does Coldness enters want to cry To force it out nothing is left; empty Emotional fountain; parched Finally entered the desert of apathy ..swallow me But the ground trembles despite my efforts Another fountain waiting to burst It always does ~ 19 03 2004, Leverkusen ~