Parmenion

First and foremost - in relation to the poem itself, it is well written. Could use some more punctuation as mentioned earlier but all in all it didn't make a huge difference to how easily I was able to read it. In relation to the subject matter - sorry but you are painting a picture of drugs being something evil and the protagonist being an evil person for using them. That is the kind of ideaology a government wants you to believe in. Ultimately however, the picture painted in my personal opinion is overly concerned with 2 concepts that don't actually exist. Religion and good versus evil. Man made concepts in my opinion should not be used as a basis for the objectivity you try to purport in the latter part of your poem. otehrwise - I enjoyed it.

Now that was a very refreshing read, as usually is with yourself. Loved that story and left me gagging for more despite a well finished conclusion! Well done

My reply to this would be akin to Alceste's response to Oronte's similar short poem in Moliere's play The Misanthrope. For your convenience: http://www.bibliomania.com/0/6/4/1049/frameset.html

Thank you so much for putting the time and effort into both the poem and the post. For me, this is the best piece I have read all year. Congrats on an exceptional poem, I am grateful that you shared it.

Definitely a very surreptitious poem about masturbation. Cleverly done.

Very well wirtten poem Kikuyu. You have captured the scene exceptionally well from the objective perspective. The repitition as other have stated works remarkably well to drive home over and over the respectful distanced adoration of the author in respect ofthe subject matter. Regarding the subject matter, might I suggest buying the work of Kahlil Gibran - a short book called "The Prophet" which is written in a very easy to read format. One of the quotes that stands out regarding this particular piece is: "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." "The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." Apt truisms in my opinion from my experience.

For furture reference Silverwind, there is a rule regarding how often you can and should post*. With regard to the actual poem. No major issues with the layout, quick like this can be very effective. The imagery used seems almost too clever for its own good. Given the title is "Sacrifice", I am going to guess that the first stanza refers to blood and hence implied - a letting of blood or offering. The would include some form of self-harm. The second stanza insinuates that the offering of blood in the first stanza was in exchange for a request granted by the Orisha. Both old and New Age Orisha have always believed very strongly in the life force of a person, however, they are gods that walk among the people and with the people and who answer requests through the act of meditation - not self-harm. Please advise if this contradicting imagery is intended or perhaps the exact purpose of it. What exactly is the poem trying to highlight? What spheres of thought is it attemptming to bring together? Was it a mistake? *RULE BREACH Read Me, Note on Posting Options Track this topic Gwaihir Find Member's Posts Jun 17 2003, 09:37 PM Post #1 Protector of Wiggly Cabbages Group: Deputy Loremaster Posts: 1,924 Joined: 15-January 03 From: Chicago Member No.: 170 Geld: 559 As was recently decided in the member's forum. Please only make one new thread in this room a day. If you want to post five poems in one day that's great, but please do them in one thread. Otherwise it can get really crowded with so many interesting threads.

Poem is badly punctuated, staggers in rhythm and overall is very forced. Curious as to why you used the spelling "broach" which is rarely used in this context, as opposed to "brooch". Regarding the actual point of the poem; I don't get it. Care to explain what its about?

Your idea sounds like a good one. Regarding seeing the god impact "toned down". You misunderstood me. Stanza 1 = 1 god mentioned Stanza 2 = 2 gods mentioned Stanza 3 = 2 Stanza 4 = 3 Stanza 5 = 4/5 In the start of the poem there is much more flavour text associated with the mentioned gods which I really liked. Later on - that diminshes considerably. I enjoyed this poem a lot and was wondering if perhaps it is something that might have the working of an epic. A story re-told or told mixing the gods up, elongating it and allowing more flavour text like the first few stanzas. As is - I really enjoy it. Merely prodding its potential is all

I am a huge fan of mythology Da_Yog and I think you have done very well in this new and bright idea. I did feel that you focused more towards the end on including as many gods as possible rather than developing a concept of beginning and end.

"but what is the price of a human soul, a life, a child's hand, arm, leg, a poor family trying to stay together," Costs: Soul = €0 It is not an entity considered to be seperate to the rest of the mind/body and tehrefore has a legal value of €0 Life = It depends on the age, occupation and marital status of the individual. I can provide you with a very accurate approximate price if you give more details. Child's hand = €175,000 to €250,000 depending on the judge, and juristiction the case is set down in. Arm = €145,000 (if a child's add on another €75,000) Leg = depends whether it above or below the knee. Above: €136,000 Below: €127,000 (about €50k more if a kids leg) A poor family trying to stay together: Depends on the size of the family, their place of residency and the capacity for both parents to work. If you can give more details I can give you a very accurate approximate price. Hope this helps answer your queries.

If I was to guess I would say this poem is about depression manifested as some kind of monster. Lines like: "you squirm and twist" and "and your psyche thrashes" are an attempt by the protagonist or author to pawn off this depression as being a commonality to all. Otherwise the term "one" or "I" would be used instead of "you". The theme and manner in which this is written is quite clearly a search. It is search for an audience to identify with the "you" aspect in the poem and to "get" the vision of depression and its manifestation within the framework of the poem. I found the poem poorly written about a common teenage topic tackled in an "abstract poetry" type manner that begs for credibility.

Nice reply. I agree that he is doing the best he can. However, your statement is unfinished. He is doing the best he can with regard to his own interests and those of corporate America. He most certainly is not doing the best he can by the people whom he is allegedly supposed to represent.

Very nice Regel. Good to see I aint alone in that approach to people making idle stupid comments The one thing I found letting the piece down was flow. While the syllable counts are fairly spot on throughout they sometimes negate flow. For instance: You stupid ignorant moron! Did you think I would smile and grin? When your words they did offend me And your manners are mighty thin. perhaps for the 2nd & fourth lines: Did you think I'd smile or grin, And your manners mighty thin. Enjoyed this one. Good work old man.

Very nice. I really enjoyed the reality of this poem. well done.