Xradion

*In the distance, a horse's hooves are heard clambering over crags and cliffs, deftly maneuvering the rough terrain in vain. Hugging the stirrups are the legs of a shadowy cloaked figure, draped in mystery.... "Man, I wonder if this cloak of mystery that I'm draped in was worth the 500 gelder I had to pay for it, (hiccup)." *...(Ahem) As I was saying, the steed rode furiously indeed, but failed to surmount that mount in the darkness of night, for it's sight was blind. And on that faithful steed's behind did a cloaked figure ride. The figure held...no geld, for his fate was spent. Sent on a journey, in vain, to reclaim his lost name from the netherlands of Terra on this, the Quincuinox of his existence. Persistence was the key and... "Oh would you stop it with the bad alliteration and corny rhyme schemes already. Geez, I DEFINATELY shouldn't have hired that guy. I mean, what the hell was I thinking. I could have been out here with a couple 'o wenches, but instead I had to get drunk and blow my gelder on a cloak of mystery and this narrator dude. I bet he hasn't even read the previous posts. I bet he has no idea what in the name of Baldur is going on, and he's going to try to overdramatically introduce me in some ridiculous way when here I am, riding backwards on a half-dead horse that's about to collapse from exhaustion. *Weren't you listening? I just did introduce you. "Yeah, well I was just introduced to your mother last night, so there. *What? That was terrible. It didn't even make sense. "Yeah, well, about as much sense as you make, anyway. Man, I can't believe that I'm stuck out here, in the middle of nowhere on a half-dead horse with the crazy narrator dude....wait, I said that already, didn't I? Did I? Oh, yeah. No, REALLY. I'm not drunk. I’m just tired because I've been up all night drinking. Hehah! *Really, sir. You should take that drink in moderation. Avoiding temptation will save the nation of your soul. "Quiet, you. What the hell are you talking about anyway? Nation of my soul? You just used the word nation because it rhymes with moderation. Didn't you?! Come clean, man. *Well, yeah...I guess I did. "Look, what's your name anyway, buddy?" *I am the mighty...Earl. "The mighty Earl of what? And for that matter, how does an Earl wind up becoming a horrible narrator?" *No, that's it. I am...Earl. That's my name. "Oh. Listen, Earl. Why don't you do us both a big favor and have a nice, tall refreshing glass of shut-the-hell-up juice? *Thanks, don't mind if I...hey, waaait a minute. "Before the narrator had time to respond, Xradion had already rendered him unconscious with his blunt object (actually a giant blunt taken from his stoned-golem, OnWEED!). Oh, and by the way, I'm narrating this now. Yeah, that's right, I can switch between the third person and the first person if I want to. Besides, that guy was getting damned annoying. So anyway, there I was, all alone (seeing as my horse finally kicked the bucket and, well, I had just knocked that two-bit narrator unconscious). I had journeyed across the proverbial "the lands" to find the party hosted by my ol' buddy Wyvern...and the party was no-where to be found...or was it?" "Much to my amazement, I climbed to the top of that mountain (well, it really was more like a hill...well, okay, fine, it was just a big bale of hay that the damn horse was too stupid or too blind to move around in the dark, okay? Happy now, punk?). Anyway, right behind the bushel-o-hay was the party and my good buddy Wyvern, howdyalikethat?" "It kinda reminds me of a time when I was nine...I was in a pawn shop with my parents. We had been looking at old records for a while when all of a sudden...they disappeared without a trace. I wandered about the store for over half-an-hour looking for them before I realized, 'wait a minute; my parents would never abandon me! This is absurd. The only logical conclusion is that I am in fact dreaming.'" "So, confident that I was dreaming, I decided that the most appropriate thing to do would be to kill myself in order to awaken from the dream. So, I stepped outside into the back parking lot and stabbed myself repeatedly with a knife that just happened to be lying there. Much to my surprise...(suspense)...my wounds all closed instantly, leaving only tiny scars. 'No, it isn't fair,' I cried, 'why can't I die?'" "At this point in time, I realized that a change in strategy was in order. So what did I do? I simply hotwired a car, put a brick on the accelerator, and let it drive 2 feet into a brick wall. Once again, I remained completely unharmed." "Flabbergasted, I decided that the only way to awaken from this dream would be to fall from a cliff. Unfortunately, there were no cliffs in sight, and I found myself completely unable to alter my surroundings. Try as I might, I could only materialize objects, not scenery." "Well, folks. About this point in time I started to panic. I was a drone in my own dome; confined within my own mind, constrained by my own brain...anyway, you get the idea (see? Unlike that other narrator guy, I know when to stop with the corny rhymes). I simply had to escape. So what did I do? I broke down and cried like a baby, that's what." "But thankfully, a kind old lady that looked kind of like the oracle from the matrix sat down next to me on the bench outside that pawn shop and sympathetically queried, 'What's the matter, honey?' "'Okay,' I replied rather distraught, 'I know this is going to sound completely crazy, but I'm trapped inside my own dream. No no. You don't understand. See, you may THINK that you're sitting right there, on that bench, but you, the bench, even this projection of me are nothing more than vague creations of my own subconscious mind.'" "'Well, that's pretty perceptive for a kid your age, sonny,' the old lady replied. 'But mind you, I believe ya. See, I'mma 'bout to get outta here myself. Why, the 11:00AM get-you-out-o-dreams special should be stoppin right at this here bench aaannnnyyy minute now. Yessiree.'" "'Really?' I replied, somewhat incredulous. 'How's that work?'" "'Well,' she answered, 'it's really quite simple. All you do is hop aboard, and the next thing you know, you'll be back in the realm of the waking.'" "'Gee, thanks a lot.' And with that, our conversation ended. I figured I still had a half an hour to kill, so I went back inside the record store to see if they had an old Beatles album that had been stolen from my parents, curious to see if I could bring it back into the waking world with me." "Well, as luck would have it, I completely forgot about that, because I dilly-dallied for entirely too long in the store and...I HAD MISSED THE BUS!!! 'Oh no,' I sobbed, 'I'm going to be trapped in this dream forever.'" "But before I even had time to panic, I spotted that kindly old woman again. She asked me what was the matter and then realized that I had missed the bus." "'Well,' she comforted me, 'when I miss the bus and want to wake up, I just stand with my arms outstretched and spin around reeeel fast like a propeller blade. That always seems to do the trick. Here, let me show you and the you can give it a try.'" "With that, she stood just as she spun around just as she had described, twirling faster and faster, accumulating speed and momentum until she appeared as a tiny tornado and then...Poof! She was gone." "'Well, I guess it's worth a shot,' I said aloud. With that, I mimicked her same gesture and...'Yes!' I exclaimed triumphantly. I had awakened. 'No!' I yelled in disgust, upon the realization that it was only 4:17AM and I had to get up for school in the morning." "Well, I guess that wraps up my story. A good story too...and it happens to be true (though I never did pick up that Beatle's album. And ya know what, I forgot why the hell I went into this crazy tale anyway...well, see 'yall next time. *With that, Xradion collapsed into a drunken stupor amidst dozens of party gatherers. Meanwhile, I regained consciousness just in time to be able to rap up this rambunctious rumble. $Dude, it's not a rumble, and it's not rambunctious. *Who are you? $Dude, I'm that stoned golem, OnWEED! That X always keeps around with him. And I must highly suggest that you like, shut up or something, man, 'cause I got the munchies, and if you don't, man...you look pretty tasty right now. *Well, just know that in the future, I won't stand for this kind of randomness. I mean really, all this needed to be a good story was some coherence and eloquence, but I guess that's a bit much to ask from two "dudes" like you. $Dude, you're one to talk. Anyway, mellow out with me, man, and smoke this "blunt" object. It's a party man. *I'm afraid I can't do that, for I am, "The Narrator," aka. The Mighty Earl. But until next time, this caped caper has been 'wrapped up,’ get it? Wrapped up? 'Cause, X was concealed, in his cloak, but now you know that it's him and so the mystery is gone and...wow...dude...that's some powerful stuff, man...alright....dude!!!!! Until next time (if there is a next time)...dun dun... done?