Ayshela

hmmm Could. I actually really liked the original for a couple reasons. With "A whole" you get more the sense that it is one complete thing, not the all encompassing whole of everything. And with the original line as it stands you get a very nice double-take effect. It stops one, makes one think about what's meant.

Ayshela wanders into Wyvern's office, cloak swirling about her. No hiding today, she has a definite purpose in mind this time. Looking about the office she completely fails to see what she's looking for. It's not on the table, nor the desk, and she really doesn't want to go riffling through the filing cabinet. Mice. Where could it be?? With a thoughtful look and a sudden grin, she flips a geld onto Wyvern's desk and finds a seat out of the likely traffic pattern. Within seconds Wyvern zips through the door and over his desk, scattering everything but the geld off it in the process. Looking from the geld to Ayshela he cries "Ah! So you finally decided to invest in .." Ayshela cuts him off quickly. "No, the only thing i'm investing in is a little bit of your time. I'd like an application, please." Wyvern hunts briefly through the filing cabinet before finding what he's looking for. "Here you go. If you're sure there's nothing else you need I'll just be off then, there's another opportunity..." and his words fade as he disappears down the hall. Seating herself at the table where the forms had been dropped, Ayshela begins to write: Name: Ayshela Gender: Female, last time I checked Race: fast Blood Type: warm Ignoring questions regarding income source and amount, and several offers of investment opportunities and services to safeguard valuables, she reaches the section about qualifications. Ahh, here we go. ~~~~~~~~~~ Ayshela sank into her familiar chair in the corner of the Cabaret Room with a barely audible sigh of relief. It had been a very long week. A very busy and stressful one as well, but lately that seemed to go without saying. Lifting her drink she sipped slowly, welcomed the fire coursing through her, and began to think. She liked it here. Letting her eyes drift with her mind, she looked across the room and noticed how many of the once strange faces she now recognized. Some she still didn't know, and none did she know well, but all had welcomed her. Here was a good place. She was not looking forward to leaving in the morning. HopperWolf looked over from his place by the fire. He seemed almost to have heard Ayshela's mental sighs. Padding over to her, he sat by her feet and looked up with a curious look in his yellow eyes. Ruffling his fur affectionately, Ayshela said "No, I haven't lost my mind. Not yet anyway. I'll be fine, I just have to go home for a bit and I find that I really don't want to. But now I'd best get some sleep, it's going to be an early morning." HopperWolf watched Ayshela slip out of the room before padding back to curl up in his place by the fire. Letting his head sink down upon his paws he thought it would be an early morning indeed. * * * * * Just before dawn, Ayshela appeared at the end of an alley and glanced around the quiet town before heading down the road toward the edge of the forest. HopperWolf was at the edge of town waiting for her. He cast a puzzled look at her soft grey cloak. Noticing it, Ayshela laughed quietly. "You're quite correct, it's not usually grey. But then, I've not been much in towns." Removing her cloak after another glance about the quiet town, Ayshela turned the mottled brown and green side out and put it back on. Twisting her hair into a careless knot and securing it with a clip, she started to raise the hood and suddenly remembered something. "Oh, I'm doubly glad you came to see me off! I'll miss you, friend, but I don't expect to be gone long. If all goes well I should be back within a week. Yet, there is an element of risk. If I'm not back within a month, this will need to be given to the inkeeper. Will you keep it for me, please?" Taking a long silver chain from her neck, Ayshela looked to HopperWolf. Seeing his nod of acquiescence, she hooked the chain around his neck, combing the fur of his ruff over to hide both the chain and the small key it held. Giving HopperWolf a gentle hug of thanks and farewell, she pulled up the hood of her cloak and turned, striding into the forest to blend into the shadows. * * * * * Late the next evening, Ayshela arrived in the vicinity of her home. Peering into the treetops she saw her village, concealed from intruders and efficiently guarded. Debating whether to make her appearance now or in the morning, she decided to wait. It was likely to be unpleasant enough without tiredness making it worse. Clambering up a friendly tree she remembered from childhood, she rested on the relatively broad span where three major branches diverged, pulled her cloak tightly around her and sank into an uneasy sleep. * * * * * Early the next morning, as the sun began to dimly peer through the fog, Ayshela appeared at the sentry post. "Good Goddess, it's you! I never thought you'd dare to show your face here again." shouted Sentry Allain. "How in heaven's name did you get past the patrols?" Ayshela looked at him with a carefully expressionless face and said "It's not that difficult to avoid men who couldn't be quiet if their lives depended on it - and aren't." Allain scowled. "Did you at least bring back the proof you said you'd find?" Ayshela noted the crafty gleam of his eye and the way his hand hovered near his sword. "I found it, as I said I would, where I knew I would. It's in safekeeping, where it can't be taken from my dead body and destroyed. Should anything untoward happen to me, those who hold the key to its whereabouts will do as they've been directed. And now, I've come to see my mother, which right you cannot deny me." Allain glared at her for a moment, then called up to the nearest platform, "Ayshela to see the Lady Helene." As the ladder lowered, he looked at Ayshela once more and mumbled "You'd better hope that proof is as conclusive as you say. If it isn't, I'll take great pleasure in throwing you off the highest platform myself." Ayshela simply glanced at him and mumbled in return "It is, and you'd never ever believe who it implicates. You want to throw me off? Go right ahead, I'll take you with me." and began to climb the ladder. Nodding politely to the sentry at the top of the ladder, she made her way from one platform to another ignoring the curious looks. Reaching her mother's home she knocked once and entered. Lady Helene entered the room and stopped short in unfeigned shock. "AYSHELA?!?! Is it really you? We thought... we heard..." "That I was dead? I'm sure you did. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it was an erroneous report." "Dis.. No! I never hoped, I never wanted.." Lady Helene trailed off into silence under Ayshela's mocking look. "I know you did. I have always known. I can't begin to tell you how often I wished it had been. But that's irrelevant right now. I've come to see grandma." Wordlessly gesturing at the inner doorway, Lady Helene watched Ayshela turn and cross the room. Stepping through the doorway, Ayshela stopped to let her eyes adjust to the gloom. "Gran?" she said as vague forms began to become familiar objects. Seeing a movement in the chair in the corner, she leaped across to greet her. "Gran!! How are you? I'm so glad to see you!" she exclaimed, bending to hug the frail old woman who hadn't managed to rise from the chair yet. "Oh, I'm alright. I'll be around for a little bit yet. How are you? You look well, I'm glad to see. I've missed you." "I'm fine, Gran. I'm sorry, I've missed you too, but I've been looking for something rather," and Ayshela paused for a moment to find the right word. "Well, rather - important, to several people including myself." "Oh. I see. I wondered if it was because they didn't want you back after what you did. I never did understand why you did it." "I didn't Gran. That's why I had to go away. So I could prove I didn't." "Oh. Are you sure?" And Ayshela watched as her grandmother paused for thought and seemed to fall asleep. Kissing her softly on the cheek, Ayshela said "I'm sure, Gran, but I can't ever tell you who it was." then turned and left, knowing that while she'd been in time, she would never see her grandmother again. Meeting her mother in the front room again, she refused the offer of breakfast. "It's quite alright, I'm sure I don't want anything to eat right now. I'll be off again so you can have the taint of evil scrubbed from your home. Good morning." Ignoring the half-hearted "Well, really! I never..." Ayshela left and closed the door softly behind her, and began to retrace her steps. * * * * * Late the next night, Ayshela returned to town. Still somewhat confused and upset, she found herself unwilling to return to her table at the bar and climbed up to the window of her room instead. Seated before the mirror, only a candle lighting the gloom, she gazed at her reflection in bewilderment. Two images seemed to split off, to gaze at her in return. One dark, twisted, evil, with a veneer of civility. The kind of person who would sabotage equipment to deadly effect, as they said she did. The other lighter - flawed, imperfect, but pleasant and concerned about others. Not one who would ever put another at risk. Looking back and forth between the two she realized that they were projections of others' perceptions. One as her family saw her, (or would have her believe she was) the other as her friends saw her (or would like to convince her she was). Hearing the sound of padding in the hallway and sniffing at the door, Ayshela turned to let HopperWolf in. Trust his loyal heart to know she was back. The dark projection caught her eye again as she turned and she paused to wonder about Gran. What kind of person could have borne and raised someone as cruel and manipulative as her mother? Were there bits of that in Gran as well? Was her mother cruel by nature, or by force of circumstances? Yet there was so much circumstances would not explain. Shrugging and turning toward the door again, the lighter projection caught her eye and she stopped. Which is true? Which is illusion? One, or the other, some of both or maybe neither? How to tell? Well enough to say "Go on and do your best, be true to yourself always." What if you weren't sure which was the real you, and which was distorted illusion? How do you tell the difference? Hearing a soft whine at the door Ayshela shrugged off the questions for now, watched the images fade, and turned toward the door where her friend awaited her. ~~~~~~~~~~ As she finishes writing, Ayshela looks up and notices that the office is still empty. Fair enough, she needs no assistance for this part. She flexes her fingers as the ink dries on the application, then lays it on the desk and turns to leave. Pulling her cloak tighter around her and raising the hood, she strides down the hall and blends into the shadows once more.

(nod) i've wished i could make everything alright for most of my life, and spent almost all of that time failing at the impossible task. You capture quite well the pain and frustration of being unable to do what you wish so much to, mingled with hope that people will *see* that you're there to help.

Dead on. i'm impressed.

i'll gladly help!

(nod) Tis things like this which remind me that, while on the whole i wouldn't live my life over for anything, there are moments here and there which shine through the darkness like gems on black velvet. Thank you for the reminder.

Interesting contrast. i'm pleased to see the defiance of stereotype. You weave your images and atmosphere well. One question - Did you mean returned to find her? spelling fixed - Peredhil

i really like this. i read it, and went away without comment simply because i wasn't sure what to say and wanted to think a bit. i've wrestled with similar thoughts. How to be honest and yet not be hurtful? Sometimes, unfortunately, it's not possible. How to make the best choice when it's unclear what that is? And when does the greater good override? You ask some very good questions here. I can only echo in reply - when it's true.

It's gremlins. I'm telling ya, they get everywhere, go through everything, move your coffee cup so you knock it over onto your keyboard, erase your backup disks, shred the only copy of that vitally important document - they're eeeevil!!! Though in this case, i'm glad they attacked. Was a wonderful "grab you round the throat" beginning. If we summon more gremlins, will they find more of the story?

...insecurity skivies... (laughs hysterically) well put! i may never have another moment of parental insecurity without that flashing through my mind, which would not, altogether, be a bad thing!

Friendship is like the sun, warming the faces and the souls of those within its influence.

amen! And how do you provide for your children the safety, security, stability, that you yourself aren't truly sure exist? Just a couple spelling things: third verse, second line, "learking anger" - do you mean lurking? And the very last line, you mean inadequate, right? edit - one more spelling error - end of the first line - negative. Spelling Politely fixed If you want to stick with the rhyming couplets through barring the "If Only"s, i would suggest switching "friend and teacher" (third verse, next to last line) to "teacher and friend" as friend is a closer vowel rhyme to confidant (eh being closer to ah than ee) and you would probably get a bit more meaning-resonance between friend and confidant as well. All of which are merely picky points for a generally excellent piece which, as a mother myself, leaves me saying "ouch, oh yes."

Mmmmmmm. i'm new to The Pen, so can't really say what does or doesn't belong here. When i registered those types of threads were already in existence. i had considered them to be explorations, that the wealth of material each of us has to draw inspiration from could be greater. You cannot write of that which you have not considered. It seems that i was wrong? :-\ Personally, those i've participated in i honestly never considered as debates. I thoroughly enjoy an honest discussion of differing views on the nature of things - life, the universe, and everything - where such discussion involves clear explanation of personal views and beliefs, and is rooted in respect for all participants and each others beliefs. Such a discussion allows each participant to walk away richer in understanding, not diminished by someone's attempt to "convert" him/her to a different belief simply because beliefs differ. To me, "debate" has strong connotations of that attempt at conversion, which makes me distinctly uncomfortable. i have only participated in a couple such threads. By and large, i did feel that i was allowed to express my own beliefs, my own opinions, without being degraded because my opinions may be uncommon or unpopular. When i no longer felt that was the case i ceased to participate. Yet i get the sense that that's the problem, isn't it? That eventually those threads do get into content which is deeply personal and emotionally loaded for many. That a grasp on the ability for all to walk away undiminished can be hard to retain. As i said, those types of threads were already in existence when i got here. i tried desperately to ensure that what i posted there, as elsewhere, was clear, honest, inoffensive, and respectful. If i have failed in that, i apologize. If my participation in those threads impaired the atmosphere here at The Pen, i most abjectly apologize. Much as i enjoy a good philosophical discussion with intelligent people, i will earnestly attempt to refrain from participating in such threads in future. Long live The Pen.

Thank you HopperWolf. i may yet be able to blink back the tears before they stream.

belated Happy Birthdays! Hope your day was lovely and the year to come is good to you.

May i join in the group hug? Sympathies extended for all the rest for whom life seems is an unpleasant place to be at the moment.

i have read the Manners and Consideration post. It was one of the first things i did and was read before i ever even registered. if i have offended, i apologize abjectly and would far rather remove myself than have anyone leave because of anything i said. i have feared that i should not have posted opinions which may have been unpopular, though i tried desperately to do so in an inoffensive way. did i fail? i'm sorry. if the Pen would be better by my leaving, and those who belong here feel able to stay, i will by all means go. Never, ever, did i intend to cause anyone harm or upset. i'm sorry.

mmm i've been afraid to poke my head back in here in case i got it chopped off. i'm glad that's not the case. i do agree that we choose where we are, even when we would rather not. :-\ My objection to the "illusion of helplessness" does not arise out of the belief that we do not choose our every action and our every response. It arises rather out of the simple knowledge that choices can be limited to an intolerable degree by others such that the choices you are left with are not really choices. When you're chained to the bed and forced to choose between begging to be abused in the hope that they will let you go when they're done, or refusing knowing that they'll simply do it anyway and either leave you to die or kill you when they're done, where is helplessness an illusion? Being given a "choice" between the intolerable and the deadly on the presupposition that the intolerable will not be equally deadly - seems to me if you have no means of bettering your situation then helplessness is not an illusion, choice is. i do understand that sometimes we have choices we do not see. i still wrestle daily with the pain and guilt of having believed my family as i was growing up, of having believed that asking for help would have been worse than staying and merely surviving, or having believed that no one would believe me. At the time i had no reason to doubt them and circumstances had been manipulated to ensure that i would draw that conclusion. Where the greater failure lies, i don't know. And truth be told, i don't know that it matters. i do know, now, that i failed to see options then that would have made a difference in my life. i try now to make sure that neither my children nor i repeat that failure. and sometimes... sometimes i still find myself swimming with the sharks in the pools of despair. At least now i know enough to trust the hands extended to help me pull myself back out.

i find this thread haunting me at the oddest moments, (much as i generally wish to not post my doubtless unpopular opinions here), and usually with a feeling of irritation. i think the truest thing said was that depression is individual. Some of the symptomology is consistent, which enables it to be diagnosed. Some of the personal effects are similar, so we can generally understand each other when we talk about it. The experience of it, however, is as individual as the people experiencing it. The comments i find waking me up at night are "the illusion of helplessness" and "get over it". Helplessness can certainly be an illusion. It often is not. Given the fact that my son reads this forum i won't go into the details of when helplessness is a physical fact. "Get over it" bothers me because i was told that repeatedly by callous, uncaring people in the aftermath of those situations in which helplessness was not an illusion. Which does not in any way mean that i think anyone here is callous or uncaring, but it occurred to me that this is a subject people tend to try to agree on more than they disagree, because it's painful, it's uncomfortable. There's stuff here i definitely agree with but haven't wanted to post a "me too" and yet i wondered, if this wakes me at night, perhaps i'm not the only one to rub against this and say "ouch". If i don't post that, because i don't acknowledge my emotional ouches in public any more than i cry, ever, maybe i'm not the only one avoiding doing so? i don't know. :-\

blessed silence?? umm.. okay.. i simply couldn't think of super enough superlatives, but if you prefer silence... (fades out)

*hugs* i'm sorry, HopperWolf. unfortunately i do know how that is. even my OD has had weeks where i couldn't put together the words for a simple entry. Words will come when they do, and unfortunately no amount of forcing will bring them any sooner. Hope things ease up for you soon.

wow... (is speechless)

Happy Happy Birthday!!

(nod) i noticed that one, and "It's boards" should be "Its boards" - the apostrophe not being a possessive in this case. Aside from what could as easily be typographical errors, i do very much like this. You have a gift for creating a verbal painting, complete with brush strokes, motion and mood. Very impressive!

hah! not fair! i'm reading right along, nodding and thinking "yup" and get to the last line and have an instamatic case of mental whiplash.