HopperWolf

Well written piece, Broken, It flowed well and had a good underlying structure. You seem to understand the form reasonably well and I like the way you play with it. "I don't believe it, I denied" is an excellent example. In fact those three lines seem structured perfectly to support each other most effectively. i especially like the way you didn't change format for speach or enclose it in speach marks or seperate it in any way. much nicer to read this way. "After they broke into day Now she lies in the ditch I wish that our lives could switch Then it would be me lying there" I found that I stumbled at these four lines when reading aloud. The beat disintigrates a bit here - forcing the reader to make unnatural pauses and tempting them to add their own words. Poetry is the art of expression and I see great eloquence, not just in what you say but in how you say it. And as to what you say, I find your word choices quite compelling in most places. "They always try to break apart Friendship stronger than their heart" For example, here the choice of "break apart" and "heart". While the second line on its own could seem perhaps a little contrived, with the rhyme from the preceding line when you read the couplet you are left with an impression of a broken heart, which influences the entire piece. and goes even further because it adds depth and definition to the bare statement made. I'm seeing seeds of this sort of patterning throughout the poem. There is definitely a lot of content here and much to ponder. Nice work

hello pennites, just thought I'd drop by and say a hello to all those who i know and who may remember me. I'd quite like to know how people are getting along Asheyla, love, sorry to hear about your deathly illness. sending hugs your way despite all contagiousness. as to myself, life trundles on. work is ever boring. i miss writing but the best i can manage these days are odd little lyrical snippits. Having said that I am working on a couple of scripts at the moment which are looking fairly nifty. though it is very different kind of thing compared to my poetry. but it's fairly fun to do. more workish though. Life on the whole though is fairly dull though, and I don't think much has changed since I was last hanging around here. But I am alive - just. Finding myself increasingly at loose ends, especially since I finished watching all 4 seasons of farscape at last (can't wait till feb 16th and the peacekeeper wars *g*). enough of my miserable self though. please detail your lives below hugs and kisses where appropriate.

aha! a fresh topic and a lively form. aalways a pleasure to see. Executed well. It's not something I usually comment on but here I admire the tightness of thought. each line is very... punctual as it should be. Yes, it brings back memories. bon chance!

nice form effective use. new spin on the topic, which is nice to see. I like to see the old forms coming back. only thing i can spot really is the 4th line "And so hard to remake" The rhythm is out by a beat here which could be solved easily by removing "so" from the line as it is heavily implied because of the context of the previous 3 lines.

ok, I'm just kinda writing this off the cuff so here goes. don't blame me if it goes wrong. He is alone As that is how it would be had, Whilst on the field Where contenders have With bloody rage, Lost themselves. He is alone, For blood was spilled upon this plain, And by his hand A fellow slain, And a man withdrawn A man no more. He is alone, To fend the world's cruelists barbs, Though without the touch, His blackened heart Would move to stop And bring him down.

heh, i like it

strikes me as remarkably good lyric material, especially the first stanza. Like the phrasing. nice

Excellent expression. I do like and admire the way the partner's side has been partly revealed, as a reader I feel sorrow for both, though due to the nature and the hot/cold approach I feel more inclined to sympathise with the partner, although (perhaps because?) his own specific thoughts are unknown, we merely see quiet suffering. Well wrote.

To me this reads much like a ballad structurally (one less syllable on every even line and you’d be pretty much there), and also in terms of content – although there is no dialogue and the resolution is less conclusive . However you have a good tragic story here with fairly strong narrative. And where you do depart from the ballad form you make generally beneficial adjustments. Jareena hit the nail on the head here as far as I’m concerned since the Ballad was in use before the written word available, as a means for story telling used by bards and travellers and would have been passed down the generations. Cool, eh? Also still in use in folk music today. Check out “Mattie Groves” by Fairport Convention classic. In regards to the rhyme scheme, I recognise it as a minor variation of the Chant Royal theme. A good move as I think it fits the pattern rather well. And while I can spot the occasional struggle on the whole I can’t see that it causes much of a problem with flow and the word choice is quite appropriate and intelligent Seeing your latest reply I notice it is based on another piece, but I’m afraid I don’t have the time to check that out at the moment to draw comparisons there : (

The quote is "I am the light that is over all. I am the All. The All came forth out of me. And to me the All has come." "Split a piece of wood – I am there. Lift the stone, and you will find me there." It's a real quote from the Gospal of Thomas found in a jar in Nag hammadi, Egypt in the 19th century (can't remember exactly). Also found here was the Gospel of Philip among other things. All written in original Coptic as well! It is thought it was hidden there for much the same reasons that the Gospel of Mary was likely hidden. The church was gaining power and phasing out some of the more "radical" ideas that these scriptures hinted at. I mean, women! in the clergy! http://www.themightypen.net/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif To be fair though the church is redressing the balance slowly.

a bold view in today's world, and one i have long since held. Ah, a longing for times i never knew, For harsher ways of the priv'laged few, Where yet the lesser men unknown Had still the life for living true. anyway, well said, as it needed to be.

A fallen angel with wings of fire. strange but cool

ohmygodohmygodohmygod, that's amazing! well done!!! increadible. the house I live in has about 1000 (3) mortgages on it. Congratulations, and enjoy your house to the full!

but what would be the point if you never intend to find out?

Ayshela, hun, this is a wonderful wonderful piece. what strikes me most is that this is an incredibly inclusive piece. The temptation would have been to make this a subjective piece which more often than not ends up alienating the reader from the poem and poet. And this certainly far from the case here!! From a linguistic point of view it is your choice of wording that is so very effective. "Hold tightly, small one, " I could not single out a specific word in this line, for example, because each word is so intrinsic to the meaning of the others. The "holding tightly" is a shows frailty and hope a little desperastion, but were it not for the "small one" then the holding would seem an incredible act of desperation and possessivness. It would be a very active description - brash and offensive. Of course it is more complicated with each word relying on every other for its meaning. This first line is a marvelously compact exapmle of what occurs through the rest of your poem. I cannot underline enough how impressive I think this is. From a technical point of view I struggle to offer any advice here, even just the length is suitably set. However, one point: This way you won't know there's someone there either. -Hugs and stuff