reverie

Try this: The good word tells me that the Lamb loved all mankind, And that I should strive to act as the Lamb Yet the Lamb despised the sins of the wicked And so I strive to love the good within all While sin remains my foe And yet you are surprised: That I choose to sing your name with praise When I rejoice in that good you have so readily surrendered to* That I choose not to be blind to your vices, but realize them as my own That I choose to love you not merely despite your failings, but because of them and your unwillingness to surrender to them You are surprised when I say how greatly I love you Though (or through), no fault of your own Like all men, that which I desire most is to become that which I am not I am a man of words I am not a man of action** There are many ways I could show you how greatly I love you, but you will never know them Forgive me *"Soul" is the most overused and loaded word in english poetry, beware. **try 'courage' or even 'conviction' because in the case of requited love, 'words' are 'action.' Sorry man, I just couldn't resist showing you how it could look trimmed down. rev...

Hmm, now let's look at life: LIFE It seems to be never ending, your life seems to have an unwritten road, that's because it does, no one can say who you'll be in a year, or in 9 months, or 35 weeks, or 15 days, or even tomarrow, Humans are so very fickle, our entire outlook on life can change in an instant, We'll believe in God one minute, than wonder if he even exists in another, Our destiny is chosen only by yourself, not your parents, not your friends, not even God himself, You choose your path, You and you alone *** hmm. Think you're mixing your metaphors. Example: Life It seems to be never ending, your life seems to have an unwritten road, that's because it does, Unwritten? Do you write a road? Or do you mean unridden. That would make more sense. But to do this you have to modify the line: "you life seems to be an unridden road That's because it is," But somehow, I don't think that what you were going for. hmm. Well you could always do the unwritten book/story/song/verse/page motif You also shift your prespective around alot going from: it to you to our to we then back to you. Pick one or two, that will ground the voice of the poem more. Also, if can avoid it: two statements with the word "seem' in it should not be used so close together. Actually "seems" a loaded word in general. Be careful how you us it. Basically, I know we all want to write the 'Big' themes: Life, Religion, Meaning, Love, Right/Wrong etc. Yet, the funny thing is, you can't really write about these things unless you focus on the small stuff. The more specific and true to your own experience you are, the more these greater themes will start to appear in your work. First time I heard this, I got anger, but more time goes by the more I find it to be true. best of luck, rev...

Hi welcome, Please don't be offended by this, I know how it is being new somewhere and just starting out. But, I like help where I can... Anyway, some general advice/comments: Why must things always be hate? We love each other, We care for each other, so why can't we just be together? I want to just be with you, I want to just hug you, hold you, keep you next to me, let you know that I want to protect you, why can't we just do that? Must things always be a fight? Must we always quarrel over such pitiful things? things that won't even matter even two seconds from this very moment, I love you, So why can't we just be together? In a nutshell your poem is saying: * I had a fight(s) with someone I care for (blame is uncertain) *I don't like fighting with him/her, so let's stop. *I love that someone, isn't that enough? Okay. I think your poem could be greatly improved if you stop for a moment and consider: *Who this someone (that you care for) really is (then tell us or better yet show us in your poem) -i.e. your vision of them *Why you love them *Why you fight and what about. If you can answer those questions, I think you'll find that you'll have more than enough mental images to fuel your next poem.

Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic The 'good girl' from the Aristocrats has her own movie featuring her stand-up comedy act plus a few musical interludes / vignettes. I really wanted to like this movie, but her act just wasn't funny to me. Her Shtik is that she's a cute young thing of middle-class jewish-american roots that says the most appalling things about race, sex, and well everything. I guess she was going for a kinder and gentler version of Andrew Dice Clay circa the 80's. Utimately though, her tongue-in-cheek jokes (and they are clearly meant to be jokes) are all shock and no substance. And honestly, the shock wears off after the first five minutes. Silverman makes the fatal comedic error of not establishing a true premise for her rapid sucession of taboo explenatives. Her over-the-top jokes probably play well individually within small circles and even at parties where the premise of 'who' she is is already established in her circle. But in the larger arena of film and stage, you must set the scene for each and every bit or you're just telling a string of glorified 'knock-knock' jokes. And you know something, she is also film actress, so you'd think that she would know this already. So, though I loved her stand out preformance in the comedic 'dirty joke' documentary The Aristocrates, I recommend that you pass on her Jesus film.

*** Just something I had to write as part of my final exam in my non-fiction class. But with a twist on it. I had to write a fictional scene in the style and persona of one of my fellow workshop writers. I know it doesn't look like much, but it's one of the hardest things I've ever written. *** “Amsterdam! You must go there!” the quirky little man randomly screamed into my ear. I made the mistake of going by Weaver Street, the local organic co-op on Sunday Morning. I hadn’t slept all night and I’m still wearing the same cloths: A simple blue and white polo and slacks combination. Insomnia’s a . Lacking sleep I guess I was in mood for something healthy. Unfortunately while cutting across the Market’s lawn on the way to Panzanella a wild looking man in a black crew shirt and black jeans accosted me. “Hey kid! It’s an Amusement Park for Adults, you’ll love it.” “Okay, sure, thanks,” I try to walk away, but he grabs my arm widely gesticulating with his free hand. “Kid, it’s the devil’s city! He owns it and he wants you to be there!” “Yeah, great, I’ll on the next plane, now let go of my arm.” He leans in closer freezing me with his blood shot eyes. “But, I got to warn you, Kid, if you ever hear a little bicycle bell ringing in the back of your ear,” he pauses, “You’d better be ready to jump! Because that little trolley-train doesn’t brake for nobody.” He starts to laugh, as I manage to pull free. I don’t ask any questions, I just walk away. Suddenly, I’m no longer hungry.

Yeah, it one of the best kids songs/videos I've seen. I just love the melody and the harmony of the tune, but after closer inspection, I find the words almost prophetic. Or maybe prophetic is the wrong word. Well, I think it's definitely relevant. I mean, just think about it: I live in southern France (France and the USA are not exactly close right now) I'm from a Texas ranch (George W. Bush's home) I come from Mecca and Peru (Mecca is the holiest city in Islam...Still haven't figure out the Peru part maybe that's where the prophetic thing comes in, like South America seems to chafing a lot lately under the US's dominance, so maybe the prophet meant Brazil or venezuela, but those didn't rhyme, so he had to settle for Peru, or maybe Peru will be the next hotbed or someting. God, I love irony. This is a good passage too: I have sisters one, two, three In my family there's just me I've got one daddy I've got two (Wow, that's really progressive for 1982, what with the HIV/AID's craze back then further contributing to homophobic sentiments) But even without dwelling the sores (as I have reinterperted) that this song is trying to sooth, it is still a really good song, and I really liked it growing up, now I that I read it again through the perspective today's culture, I love it even more. Have fun, rev...

I'm in Carrboro, North Carolina, just a hope skip and a jump from what they commonly call the "research triangle" (Chapel Hill, Raliegh, Durham) around here. In you're in the area, you're more than welcome to hang out. rev...

This is one of favoriate songs from childhood. I just like the sound of it back then, but reflecting upon it now it amazes me how much wisdom there was in it. We All Sing with the Same Voice Music by J.Phil Miller Lyrics by Sheppard Greene 1982 Sesame Street, Inc (ASCAP) My hair is black and red My hair is yellow My eyes are brown and green and blue My name is Jack and Fred My name's Amanda Sue I'm called Kareem Abdul My name is you I live in southern France I'm from a Texas ranch I come from Mecca and Peru I live across the street In the mountains, on a beach I come from everywhere And my name is you We all sing with the same voice The same song, the same voice We all sing with the same voice And we sing in harmony Sometimes I get mad and mean Sometimes I feel happy And when I want to cry, I do When I'm by myself at night I hold my teddy tight Until the morning light My name is you I have sisters one, two, three In my family there's just me I've got one daddy I've got two Grandpa helps me cross the street My cat walks on furry feet I love my parakeet My name is you We all sing with the same voice The same song, the same voice We all sing with the same voice And we sing in harmony I like to run and climb I like to sit and read I like to watch my TV, too And when it's time for bed I like my stories read "Sweet dreams" and "Love you" said My name is you We all sing with the same voice The same song, the same voice We all sing with the same voice And we sing in harmony

I too saw Sin City last night. Great movie, a little over-the-top with the graphic volience, but then again you sort expect that from it being based on a graphic novel. The blood looks really fake though, since it made to look comic book like. Toby Macguires role is especially twisted and gruesome. I think the different heros of the three vignettes were superb though. I think I like Dwight's story the best, even though his story is the shortest. Also saw FF7: Advent Children which brought back a decent amount of nostalgia for me, and some closure too, because I never managed to beat it. I could get to the last boss, but never could figure out how to beat him, and I refused to consult cheat books, so I failed. I liked the DVD's reminisce section, where it takes you through all the major movies of the old game. The Real Movie was good too. The charactors were done very well done I thought, Yiffa and Vincent were great. I just wish the movie was little longer. Oh and also I like how they tied the Movie to the game and back to the Prequell FF movie that recieved wide release a few years back. X-men III. Eh, it was okay. I liked Wolverine being Wolvernin, and Kitty Pride (the comic book charactor) has always been a fave, so I'm glad her character actually got some decent screen time. Pyro's preformance was cool too, but I thought the Movie committed a major sin and killing off too many prominent charactors. Yeah, I know people die in comics all the time and come back, but I think the movie was a little overkill with this. I did not like the direction Partick Stewart characters went in... He was confused and lost in this one. Very uncharactoristic of Dr. X. All that aside, it's still a good action movie, so if you're into that sort thing, go out and watch it. Poseidon I thought the pace of the film is way too fast. Not a bad movie, as far as remakes go, they just rushed it. It's worth a look though.

Oz, okay, I can respect that. I just think of all the times when I was expecting something to be really good, only be disappointed. Okay, what I'm currentingly reading for fun is a work of fiction by Nick Hornby, How to be good. I'm only about a third of the way through it, but it seems promising. I'm reading it because I attended a reading by the author, and his plot synopsis intrigued me. It's like what happens if the average joe, decides he wants to be a modern-day saint, and how does his family deal with it. Plus it's told from the perspective of his unfaithful wife. Not my usual sort of thing, but it's the all the moral contemplation keeps me into it. Nick's also noted for writing three other books that inspired the movies: High Fidelity, Fever Pitch, and About A Boy. I also heard him read a few scenes from another book, A Long Way Down, which also seems promising. I supposed to read three more non-fiction novels this summer for a class, so I probably won't be able to get to it anytime soon. But it's worth noting because I think it's a very original story. It's a dark comedy about 4 people that indepedantly decide to commit suicide at the same place on the same night, but upon discovering each other, they end talking each other out of it, well at least for the that particular night. I look forward to tearing into that one. btw that's an interesting Sig quote you got there. I wonder what Adam's was reall getting at? Was he attacking all the deist and theist of the day that concided a higher power's existance, but ultimately put more faith in humans? Or was he implying that Statesmen are automatcially secular and immoral. Intriguing, it would be interest to know where you got that quote, so I could find out the context behind it. rev...

Oz, I understand your ethusiam, but I still can't understand attaching your name to a series you haven't even skimmed let alone read yet. How do you know the hype will agree with you?! Think of all the over-hyped movies you've seen that turned out to just that, hype. Oh well to each his own. hmm, let's see. Books Nonfiction: This boy's life by Tobias Wolf A good read, but also a good study of how to use the fictional tools of story-telling in memoir. Lost in Translation Eva Hoffman (no relation to the Movie with Bill Murry in it) A good study of the author struggle to refine her identity going from Communist Poland to Capitalist Vacouver, Canada cira 1960 ish. Lot's of discussion on how the language you live, think, and write in can reshape your identity. Neat. Hiroshima by John Hersey Hersey's account of the Hiroshima in the aftermath of the WWII Atom Bomb attack. The retelling in exacting detail chronical how the 5 individuals were affected by the attack immediately after the attack up through the 1980's. This is not a political piece. It goes straight to heart of each persons struggle as a human being not as members of an enemy/agressisor/defeated nation to the U.S.A. Orginally published in 1946. Later expanded. Books Fiction: In Our Time by Ernest Hemingway Good for seeing how people deal with the trauma of war, and of course Hemingway is that master of concisen writing in modern literature. They Things They Carried by Tim O'brien Fictionalized account of the author's service in vietnam. Good read for detail descriptions of scenery and development of a rich cast characters. Also experimental in it's point of view. The author has a lot of fun with this, by speaking directly to the reader at times in explaing how he constructed a few of his charactors in relation to his own vietnam service, which may be total fabracation, but since he classified the book as fiction it's hard to tell where the line between truth and fiction exist. TV/DVD: Firefly by Joss Whedon. The same man who brought you "Buffy, the vampire slayer (TV) and Angel." Great series, too bad it only made it one season. The movie "Serinity" which was based on the series is also a good choice. Orginal Western meets Space scripts. Kind of a "Cowboy Bebop meets Buffy," but in live action. A pleasant blend of Western and Eastern culture reigns in a colonized universe of the future, where everyone in the 'verse speaks english and manderin (though the latter is usually used for curse words). Whedon's signature comedic timing is impeccable as always. Radio/Web: This American Life compiled by Ira Glass et al. National Public Radio's series of American Anecdotes centered around a theme that varies per show. Everything from stories of "loss and good ideas" to "Superpowers and How we talk." Oral Storying telling of at it's finest. I saw Ira Glass live a few months ago where he explained his compulation method. Basically he's figure out how to compline a secular sermon inorder to draw listenors in... He so successful at this that statiscally the average mean listening time for his show is about 46 mins. For an hour long radio show without comercials that simply amazing. That means that most listeners tune in while the show is in progess are immediate draw in and continue to listen for the duration of the show. Kudos.

Active voice? Actually, upon rereading your first poem, I realised that you are using a mix active and passive voice. Hmm, I guess, I wanted it to be more active. Either that or in my haste, I mistook a few "state of being" statements for passive voice. e.g. I’m weak. I’m unaware. Anyway what is active voice? Hmm, well, since, I hesitate to answer this relying on my own knowledge I'll just google it: "what is active voice" Web definitions results: # A verb form in which the subject of the verb carries out some action. Example: He hit the ball. csmp.ucop.edu/crlp/resources/glossary.html # In the active voice, the subject of the verb does the action (eg They killed the President). See also Passive Voice. www.englishclub.com/grammar/grammar-glossary.htm # a form of the verb showing that the subject is the agent that performs the action expressed in the verb. Example: The boy caught a big fish. www.biblecentre.net/nt/greek/alex/glo.htm # Indicates the subject is acting rather than being acted upon. Active voice indicates that the subject is acting—doing something. (Benjamin Franklin discovered the secrets of electricity.) See Passive voice www.armour.k12.sd.us/Mary's%20Classes/literary_terms_glossary.htm # the voice used to indicate that the grammatical subject of the verb is performing the action or causing the happening denoted by the verb; "`The boy threw the ball' uses the active voice" wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn # In grammar, voice is the relationship between the action or state expressed by a verb, and its arguments (subject, object, etc.). en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_voice Hope that clears that up. Basic rule of thumb is if you half to use a linking verb like "is or are" then you are not writing in active voice. Like these are all active: My arm will not lift me. I lay there lifeless on the floor. The room starts to spin. My head shoots out pain. And these are passive (I think?): The words I hear are muffled. Things are turning dark. Things are becoming less detailed. Hmm, better google that one too: Definitions of passive voice on the Web: * In the passive voice, the subject receives the action of the verb (eg The President was killed). See also Active Voice. www.englishclub.com/grammar/grammar-glossary.htm * a form of the verb showing that the grammatical subject is the person or thing to which the action in the verb is done. Often the agent of the action is not specified, so that for one reason or another, the agent may be kept out of focus. Example: Now Jesus, after he was baptized, immediately went up out of the water (MT 3.16). www.biblecentre.net/nt/greek/alex/glo.htm * Indicates that the subject is being acted upon (eg The secrets of electricity were discovered by Benjamin Franklin.) See Active voice www.armour.k12.sd.us/Mary's%20Classes/literary_terms_glossary.htm * expresses an action done to a subject. Eg The ball was kicked at last. tsu.tmb.ru/millrood1/interact/grammar/glossary.htm * the voice used to indicate that the grammatical subject of the verb is the recipient (not the source) of the action denoted by the verb; "`The ball was thrown by the boy' uses the passive voice"; "`The ball was thrown' is an abbreviated passive" wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn * In grammar, voice is the relationship between the action or state expressed by a verb, and its arguments (subject, object, etc.). en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_voice ************* As far as archaic goes, it means ancient sounding speech (more or less). Or webster's puts it: "having the characteristics of the language of the past and surviving chiefly in specialized uses" So, I'll mark in red what sounds too archaic sounding to me. Leave me great-spirit and never return! I hold you here no more. Go back form once you came so long ago. I wish you here not. Oh the trouble you have caused me, and all the pain that came with it. Take it with you. You are nothing but a dark cloud over my head. Be gone you! Get to your home safely so you may not have to turn back. I will pray for it to be so. Loved you I did once. But now my heart does not. Hope that helps some, rev...

I'm a little short on time, so I just give you some general comments/advice. Poem 1: Considering rewriting the poem in active voice. Passive voice is fun enough, but active voice is sooo much stronger. Poem 2: Watch your comma use (I make similar mistakes all the time) and puntuation in general. Hmm, break this line and similar: "I remember it / I remember it quite well." Actually consider breaking a few other lines too. The "I remember" motif is neat, but you don't need to relie so heavily upon it. Poem 3: Nice use of imperatives (commands). Although your speech get's a touch archaic. Avoid this unless your roleplaying or writing for a specific archaic persona and even then, use it sparingly. Poem 4: Okay, I get that you don't want to share what's going on behind-the-scenes of this poem, but you must realize that as long as you intentionally bury and hide things in your work like this, NO ONE will understand, but you. If you're happy with that--cool. If not, you may want to consider slowly peeling back the defensive layers guarding your works meaning. Then it's much much easilier for people to connect with you. It took me years to accept this, so you are far from alone. good luck, rev...

Interesting variations on the ballad stanza format. You might want to consider fleshing it out into a full-fledge musical ballad with refrains and what not, though, IMHO, ballads work better in third person, rather than in first person. oh and welcome to the pen. revery.

tree

jeez, man don't scare me like that... I got enough guilt as it is... rev...

better... but you may want to consider rephrases your eighth line. I know your want the rhyming "right," it reads kind of awkward as is. Maybe substitute "if that is true" or "if that is so" for "if that be so" in the seventh line. "be so" is kind of archiac, which there nothing wrong with that, but you should strive to be consistant. Second last lines: consider putting the "and" back in. Why worry about the syllible count, unless your writing in form or set meter it's a crunch, you don't necassarly need it. Purity wasted on the (maybe insert adjective here) youth. Not sure on this one though. Hmm, let see what it look like with my suggestions plus some random revisions: Who are you to tell me what to be? Who are you to limit what I see? You who judge all that is untrue, Through the/your eyes that belong to you. (possible need for a conflict here or a metaphore) Constant rebellion is not the way... The way to voice what you have to say. If that is true then how does one fight? Fight for what's in their opinion right! (not sure how to rephrase this and keep the meaning) And why has originality lost its truth? Purity wasted on the carless (or better word) youth. Ill close my eyes and walk blind like the rest, Ignore my mind, seldom do my best. <--- consider rephrase my take, good start, has potential, keep at it, revery the dreamlost

math

OMG! A lyric poem that reads like a ballad in blank verse. Or at least I think it's blank verse? And it has some distinct metric variations throw in for fun, so she must have been going for an iambic meter of some sort... it so freaking beautiful, I want to die. a few tweaks here and there particulary in the third lines of most of the stanzas and it'd be perfect. Like substituting "form" for "naked." in the second stanza, rephrasing the "blazing hate" in forth stanza just a tad etc. rev...

ditto on saw another honored guest reading this, so decided to bump it too... Sorry for the clutter. Ya know cyril and don't bite my head off for this, but you should consider turning this into a song. I'm think an older country or folk arrangement might work out quite nice. Like John Denver or Woody Guthrie, okay maybe not Woody, but you get the idea. rev...

So saw a honor guest looking at this post, so I gave it a look myself, and decided it was worth bumping. Come back someday Rahsash, you are missed. rev...

stage

Jerry Garcia was the grateful dead front man. My dad's a dead ringer for him... What bothered me? I guess, I just don't get it. Maybe the jokes are too clever me. (intial comments removed because) rev...

~Notes~ 8/25/2007: Have an ever-growing backlog of poems and false starts in the writer's workshop that I've yet to categorize owing to the onslaught of assignments my university's creative program keeps giving me. Am looking forward to the break in Summer, so I'll can have time to organize them. *** General Note: a large number of my poems are in forums that can only be viewed by registered members of the pen. rev...

Why don't you just do a search for all the thread that you've created, and all the posts you've posted. That might not get you before the more drastic board upgrades, but it's a good place to start. rev...