reverie

You got me. I seem to remember now once coming across something similar in a book of poetry forms, but I can't remember what it was called. But I could just be imagining things. You could try cross referencing this website though. It list 300 forms with examples. Unfornately it doesn't explain or define the forms for you. If you feel like a hunt. You could start here: collected poems on jan haag

I finally got around to finishing Nick Hornby's How To Be Good. It's an interested read, though I found it a bit challenging. There's nothing wrong with Hornby's style, but his subject matter is hard to swallow sometimes. Basically the book try's the answer the question: How can you be a good person to the world if you can't keep your own family together." Almost half the book is internal moralizing and introspection, the rest revolves around a family's relationship with an unconvention (if there are such things as conventional ones) and unreligious faith healer. It's the plots a bit a far-fetched, but the questions the author puts in the head of his main charactors takes the reader down some interesting roads. Hmm, so I think the book was well written, but I didn't really enjoy it. Hornsby doesn't let you walk away from the book with a happy ending, just an okay one. Which, I guess should be refreshing, but for me at least, it was a bit of let down. I haven't giving up on him though, some time this year I'm plan on picking up his dark comedic novel about suicide A Long Way Down. rev...

Hey, I just trying to get so thought going. Science is a whole different ball park though. It's like the difference in cooking and baking. Cooking is Art. Baking is Science. But I'm not getting at how hard or difficult something is to do. I'm trying to point out that some things have more layers of complexity than others. And for those gifted in any given field, no matter how complex the art form becomes it may be realitively easy for them (or at least seem that way). But as someone looking from the outside in, you can still appreciate the intricate nature of that complexity. A slighty different example is if you were serve a professional chief a meal he's never ate before or is familar with, he will still be able to appreciate how finely that meal was prepared. The same goes with muscians when hearing new forms of music. Of when we read a new book. rev...

Okay, I'm just going to hit one point. You do not have to respond to this as I am not so much critiqing your poem at this point, but am instead highlighting an particular quality inherant in english grammer. regarding the fifth stanza: I locked my love within me, vowed to nevermore. Now that oath’s forgotten; Your gentle heart makes my heart soar. I said: 2nd line: a touch non-sensical. "Vowed to ...nevermore..." what? It's an easy fix though. Change "vowed" to "vowing" and possibly nix the "to." You said: Yes, I vowed to nevermore. I would nevermore fall in love, and be open to get hurt by love. I'm not vowing anymore, so I don't think that vowing would be a good idea because it would change the entire meaning of the sentence. * Actually my suggestion does not change the meaning of the sentence or stanza. In the first line, with the use of the word, "locked," You have placed the scene in the past tense. And since the clause containing "vow" of the next line is technically the same sentence, it's perfectly alright to say "vowing." The reader will understand that you are speaking about an action that has taken place in the past, but you are just remembering it like it's happening again. This does not make the reader assume that you are still "vowing" up to the present day because use of the word "Now" at the beginning of the next line and sentence places the reader back into the present. Now that I think about your orginal "vow" phrase again, I no longer consider it not Non-sensical. However, my previous suggestions while not changing the meaning of the stanza as a whole, changes the emphasis of the first sentence. My suggestion throws more weight behind the actual act of "vowing" instead of the absent act of "love". Is this better? I don't know. Maybe it is, maybe it is not, you're the ultimate judge of that not me. However, I'm only pointing this out inorder to illustrate just how versatile the english language is. Word endings such as "ed, "s", "ing" are very important. Yet with english being an uninfected language as well as a non-tonal language. Word-order in relation to other words within the same sentence and within the context of other sentences in close promity to the orginal senctence is what takes the highest precidence for decerning meaning. I'm do not want to come off as condesending here, but I feel it's important to express that in english writing (particularly in poetry where the normal guide posts of punctation are often absent) these things matter... rev...

Addendum: Another thing to consider when someone provides you critical feedback that you do not like or want. There's never any need to defend your work. Your work speaks for itself, so you don't need to elaborate on it messages or meanings further. If the person providing feedback asks implicit questions expecting a response, then you can answer them, but it isn't required. Typically thematic or technical questions posed in the critical feedback setting are rhetorical in nature and are designed to get you thinking. This is not always true in every case, but I have found that the more vehemently someone tries to defend their work, the more offended they become. good day, rev...

"What do crocodiles Have for supper?" said the Baby Elephant "Come closer" said the Croc. ... "Yeah, so that's how I wound Up here in the fridge."

Dust devil, like a whirlwind? Hmm maybe: whirl, twirl, or swirl? Echos: hmm, yeah that's a tough one. Maybe a metaphore could help? Or you could try to personify the echo's like "they whispher" or something along those lines. *** Are you following a form either traditional or self-invented? I wonder because you say that you need to keep the first line 3 words. good coloring btw. always a pleasure, rev...

Thank you Tav, I always appreciate your words. For the moment though, I'm going to let it stew some. Sometimes when I write sometime too close to the actual event which spurred it, it's hard to revise it. So, I think waiting it out some might help. I've considered the "thank you" lines some though. I wondering well if I can cut it down that far why not cut down even further to (subbing 'and' for 'so'): And I can only thank you. I'll give it some more thought. thanks, rev...

Sigh, I just trying to help. The fact that I care enough to comment at all, implies that I think your work has merit. Just because you wrote this for a personal reason, doesn't mean that no else can't take something benifitial from it. Especially when you post it for public enjoyment. If you had posted this Under the Oak Tree, I would not have touched it. Maybe I should start qualifying my posts with this statement: What I offer you is simply my impressions of your work. I am not saying that I am right and that you are wrong, merely what I took from it and what I think could help. I do this only for the sake of perspective. You can either acccept or disregard my suggestions as you please for I am no sage and am prone to error just like any other mortal. You don't have to tell me that your going to do nothing with my suggestions Sweet. I only offer them inorder to get people thinking. And since you did ponder what I said if only the briefest of moments, then I consider that: Mission Accomplished. take care, rev...

That's very interesting. Acrostics are indeed a fun form to work with. However, you've taken the form to a new level. I'm not sure what you've created, but I like it. Maybe there is a form that behaves like this, though I'm not aware of it. Being able to read the poem in more than one way strikes me as very orginal. Kudos. rev...

Feedback posted here I think I'll steal a page from Cyril and try using the critics corner for a change.

Sweet's poem can be found here. A heartfelt thankyou poem. Actually reminds me of a couple things I wrote years ago, but less depressing. I like the rhyming ballad-like stanzas you start out with, but I wish you would have kept them going throughout the rest of the poem. Also, there are several logic and mechanic issues here, so I think it best to tackle them stanza by stanza. 1st stanza: I had a wall around me, built with broken dreams. Now the cracks are healing; Your gentle words close off the seams. Watch your logic. You first two lines imply that the wall that is around you is a flawed bad thing. Yet in your 3rd-5th line you are saying that the love of (Greg?) is in fact fortifying this wall. Is this what you intended? It seems that to have a stronger wall built around you as a consquence of accepting someone's love is not exactly a happy ending. 2nd stanza: Without a warning, without a sign, not taken over, freely given this time. Here I assume you are refering to love. Your title clues the reader in. However, there is some confusion on what was "taken over." Your heart? And who is doing the "giving this time." I first read it as "taking" instead of "taken," which makes a bit more sense. But the who is giving/taking what to whom is still confusing. 3rd stanza: I had no faith inside me, hurt and distrust reigned. Now those fears are fading; Your gentle love frees me from pain. This stanza is the one that led me to conclud that your intial metaphore in the your first stanza is having the opposite effect that you intended. A wall traps and encloses you. "Free me from pain," expresses the opposite feeling. 4th stanza Without a struggle, without a fight, not holding back, warmly embrace your fire. Slight grammatical tangle here in the last line of this stanza. As constructed it reads as sentence fragment, which you can use in poetry. Yet, in your other ballad-like stanzas you use complete thoughts, so this stanza is structually inconsistance with the rest the ballad-like part of your piece. Maybe add an "I" at the beginning of the last line or change "embrace" to "embracing." 5th Stanza I locked my love within me, vowed to nevermore. Now that oath’s forgotten; Your gentle heart makes my heart soar. 2nd line: a touch non-sensical. "Vowed to ...nevermore..." what? It's an easy fix though. Change "vowed" to "vowing" and possibly nix the "to." 5th and last line: Watch out for repetition of common words associated with love like "heart," you veering awfuly close to cliche territory particularying with the word "soar" on top of it. 6th stanza Without the wall, without the fear. No longer blind. 1st line: Again contradicts your opening metaphore. 7th stanza Without the pain, without the hurt. No longer lost. Hmm, maybe connect the 6th and 7th stanza together since their constructions are so similar or considering deleting one of them. concluding lines Feeling loved, Just feeling loved. Don't think you need to spell it out for the reader. Your title has already accomplished this. However, there is nothing wrong with a circular conclusion, but you don't want to over do it. I'd lose the last line and keep "Feeling loved." good job, rev...

not bad, reminds me of skeltonic verse with it's tumbling rhymed couplet construction. I don't think you need to adhere so strongly your 7/8 syllable format, but hey it works. The only really ackwardly phrased line I see is your 6th one. That and I'd consider changing "shades" to singular in you 10th line. It still rhymes that way, but there is also nothing wrong with using near-rhyme for variety. Oh yeah, and the repetition of the word "time" in the last couplet is slightly jarring. all and all pretty good and entertaining. keep working on it. rev...

Naked by David Sedaris Another great collection of Autobiographic short stories from the sarcastic playwright, comedic writer, and occasional National Public Radio commentator. Sedaris book paints a funny and outlandish portrait of what it was like to grow up with 5 sisters as an obsessive-compulsive-homosexual-smart-alek in Raleigh, NC than later as a transplant to New York City. He covers a lot ground here: everyting from the birth of his sisters, working as an apple picker in oregon, time spent in Greek Camp, to hitch hiking across the U.S through filter of his obsessive narcissistic wit. In his darker moments his humor gets a touch perverse, but after reading about his mother, you can appreciate where he gets it from. A great read, but not for the easily offended. If you like this book, I recommend a similar work of his: Me Talk Pretty One Day (the title is actually a reference to his years long attempt to master French while living in Paris and the mental trama that he experiened along the way). rev...

Well that's the thing. Talent for one discipline does not neccessarily translate to another. You can be an outstanding lyricist but poor at everything else. Or a great composer but a terrible painter. Does that lessen you in your choosen field? No. However, some things do rank higher than others in regards to the level of artisit preperation needed to excell in that field. A pop tune is not a symphony. Just as a sketch on a note pad is not a mural on a wall. Raw talent will shine throug for cream alway rises to the top. Yet how brightly that talent is able to shine is a direct reflection of the artistic media or filter that you choose to refine it through. Some things do require a higher level of refinement in order to just be accepted as decent. Whatever your choosen field, with the rarest of exceptions you must first learn to be an craftsman before you can fully realize you potenial as an artist. So fields just require most time in the novice trenches before you an excel. To be a considered a decent violinist takes longer than a pop rock guitar player. Sheer talent alone may allow you to shine briefly with metaphorically speaking a one-hit wonder, but eventually you'll have to pay your dues and work to improve. The rarest of people can throw off all the rules and attempt to recreate the wheel in the vacuum. But most others require something or someone to stand on. And the steps taken to reach that preverbial launching pad is what IMHO makes the difference between all the arts.

Oh I mean the order is established by the escalating levels of refinement or sophictication needed to pull off a master work within each field. I.e. the level of craftsmanship that goes into the works creation. Not effort nor energy, craftsmanship. Lyric writing is in my low end, because lyricist typically don't write the music they are setting down words to. If you already know the tune to something than words come realitively easy. They are some great lyricist out there like Elton John for one, but his dual status as a performer is really what built his reputation. And honestly it is not that hard for mediocre lyrics to get a pass on a catchy tune. Just take a look at the lyric sheets of pop songs that you don't already know, and you'll see what I mean. Philosphy's on the high end because it requires the most exacting language possible to make sense of the most profound abstractions in life. Epic Poetry is high too, because to write it you not only have to have mastered story telling, poetry, and dramatics, but also you have to have lived a life insane enough for you to gained the insights into your own culture inorder to pull it off. High Opera's up there because you have to master musical composition as well as drama within a set vocal range. You don't have to like it, but opera is cleary superior in craftmanship and form to say an American musical and even the symphony. Refined Poetry trumps Prose because your have to do more with less. You don't have a whole novel to establish the development a of character, and sometimes you have as little as a framented phrase. (Just ask any english literature teacher). I believe it's harder to write a single poem that will endure and that people will continue to enjoy through the ages, than a best selling novel that only endures for a few years. You don't have huge blocks of story and plot for people to hang on too, so you have be precise as possible or no one will understand you. But in general prose pays much better than poetry. rev...

Leaves blow dryly <---do leaves blow? Consider what force is moving the leaves. Typically in the passive voice you would need an adverb or clause of some sort to pull this off such as "by, in, about etc." Wind whistles through the chicken wire <--- Better, more active. A trashcan topples over Echoes rebound from the rusted benches Echos? Are you sure. Echos usually need a certain setting and power behind the orginating sound inorder to exist. So are sounds coming from the benches a repitition of the orginating sound in space or is it just the orginating sound happening several times due to the wind. The padlock is smashed The gates creak wearily on broken hinges Hmm, watch out for weary. It's an gets overused a lot. I'm sure guilty of it. Voices whisper on the empty air Memories live in the hearts of the past. *** rev...

I shooting for your own personal take on it. So feel free to discard my labels for your own and or expand upon them. rev...

The written matter pecking order as I understand it goes something like this: *** Lyric Writing (low end) Personal Essays and Journalism Memoir script writing vignettes short stories novels poetry dramatic plays opera (Opera also tops my list of the music world.) epic poetry philosophy (High End) *** What's your hierarchy look it? If "Writing" is too limiting a catagory than feel free to delve into the other creative arts. rev...

Thank you. It was very fine indeed. You got my vote for poet laureate. Seriously. I still have some anxiety in the 3rd line of 3rd stanza line: Stand as firmly as you I thought it might come across as wordy, but I am at loss as to how to improve it. The simple construction of the last stanza worries me as well. Your words make me feel better about it, but I still wonder if something else could be done with it. Actually, at this point I don't think I have the skill to improve upon it. If I'm lucky I might be able to reach another plateau of development in a few more years. Until then, I'll keep chipping away at what I can. thanks again, rev...

Happy happy. rev...

*watches and learns*

Sounds like it's about jesus to me. Circa 2nd day after his death. Or alternately if I read it loosely it could be about an angel And if I really stretch it, it could even be about the fall of lucifer, a.k.a the morning star. That's my interperation. kudos, rev...

An Inconvinent Truth Al Gore's movie about global warming is simply terrifying. It is a very engaging film and despite my intial reservations, I was not once bored with the former vice-presidents straight forward delivery of the facts. It's running in limited release, so if it's playing in your area, I highly recommend you go see it. Politcs be damned. http://climatecrisis.org/ rev...

Wonderful Cyril. Your metaphore of a basement as a reposistory for the bittersweet memories of depression and despair is dead on. I can taste what sick joy it is to lose ones self in those moments. I can hear the ache of the heart echo'd in the ache of stairs. Bravo. I like the first two stanza's best. Awesome. In the line 3 of the second stanza I probably would have substitued "staircases/stairways" for "stairs," inorder to temporarily widen the scope of the poem. But, I don't have your concentrated power of focus, so I might be off on that one. Also "listless" in the last stanza, made me stop and think for a minute. "Listless Music" hmm. Like disinterested music? Like the Rust stems from lack of use or care or wear? And the rust is like those clouded memories that your persona is now considering to the exclusion of everything else. So, I wonder if at the end your speaker is lost in a singular memory against the backdrop of all those other forgotten memories. Because, the singular memorie/moment would be enlarged and thus become interesting the moment you linger on it. Oh it could still be a lament, but it would probably crescendo in a swell of sorrow don't you think. Hmm, but you acknowledge this by speaking about it's numbing power. I'm not really sure where I'm with this, but that's the thoughts the phrase produced in my head. PUBLISH THIS! rev...