Archive

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 155 (1/3/02 11:18:07 pm) Reply Re: invitation to join -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ummm... I'm commited to quite a few, but I can always try if you really, really, really need someone. Whoo... mixed up which story this was for. Well, as you wish, I could always join, though I think I might end up fighting yer 'Rangers'... I'm still horrified that my professional name goes to a bunch of blood-thirsty assassins. Edited by: Gyrfalcon25 at: 1/3/02 11:21:25 pm

Balladore Page Posts: 21 (1/3/02 7:30:55 pm) Reply Re: invitation to join -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *notes that no one has responded wanting to join... wonders if he should conjure up someone*

peredhil31 Elder of Lists and Manners Posts: 753 (12/31/01 7:29:53 am) Reply ezSupporter invitation to join -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wish I had more time! The Pen needs more RP threads, and your willingness to open this one up to the group does you great credit. I know I'm busy, but... Looks around encouragingly at the others. -P

Bhurin Initiate Posts: 11 (12/31/01 12:16:15 am) Reply Re: Revenge is a dish that is best served Cold -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am really enjoying this story thus far, Ballador. It moves very quickly (not normally something I respond to), but the quickened pace of your words reflects the atmosphere, and hence is enjoyed. I like the names of your characters and places thus far (just something I take note of).

Balladore Page Posts: 18 (12/30/01 10:08:38 pm) Reply Most Recent Episode -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you would like to accompany our poor Druid on his quest, please state your reply here, your character's description, and I'll work you in. If not, I'll conjure up some characters :-) Tata, Balladore Edited by: Balladore at: 1/7/02 6:31:43 pm

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 140 (12/25/01 11:40:57 pm) Reply Re: Danger Will Robinson! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Gyr chuckles* Nah... though I always loved my Narnia series... or at least parts of it. I agree though, I love this story already Balladore, please continue it. =)

peredhil31 Elder of Lists and Manners Posts: 743 (12/25/01 11:38:31 am) Reply ezSupporter Danger Will Robinson! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You're characters are sucking me in the way Eddings did when I first read the Bellariad. I really hope you find the time and will to continue this! I hate Readus Interruptus! I remember the first time I read Ender's Game, I liked Ender so much and didn't want to leave him, I reread it the same night... Peredhil reads that and realizes he's revealed some of his best and oldest friends are book characters. Umm, I'm not THAT strange... really! -P

Signe Green Page Posts: 25 (12/25/01 10:36:21 am) Reply Re: bravo -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now there's a girl with some anger to deal with! I think she and her brother got their names switched somehow. ;o) Signe's Homepage

peredhil31 Elder of Lists and Manners Posts: 730 (12/21/01 8:04:59 am) Reply ezSupporter bravo -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I foresaw the disarming and smiled in anticipation. (I just love writing I can 'see' like a movie in my head.) But you surprised me with the second dagger. You have NO idea how much I appreciate that. Keep 'em coming! -P

gwaihir1 Poet Posts: 61 (12/21/01 7:26:38 am) Reply Re: Revenge is a dish that is best served Cold -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dang, didn't realize there was already a topic for this. Sorry.

gwaihir1 Poet Posts: 60 (12/21/01 7:25:19 am) Reply Revenge is a dish that is best served Cold -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This piece gets more interesting every episode. I really like the girl getting disarmed, but pulling out a new one in perfect timing. Glad to see you here again!

Adelaide Erindale Visitor Posts: 10 (5/6/02 12:21:12 am) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, it's a very good story, in my opinion, but there are a few things you could do to make it better (though I'm no one to be critiquing anything, there are a few things I noticed) Like Orlan said, you overuse adjectives and run-on sentences. Also, I think you go into naming things too much... for example, the towns; Xavier and Selonide and Pacalania... I get confused if you put names to too much . On the other hand, in moderation, describing and naming things is very good. It paints a clear picture in the reader's mind... just don't over do it and end up with a puddle of paint . Finally, your battle scenes are very good... I mean, you don't describe them too much, and you don't get too graphic but enough to know what's going on. You don't just say "They fought for hours until one team won". Keep up the good work .

Orlan Elder of Bards Posts: 98 (4/2/02 8:56:04 am) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm surrounded by demanding people

gwaihir1 Elder of Lists and Poetry Posts: 166 (4/2/02 5:01:10 am) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (I want a computer from transistors and gum! ---------- I want to be page 93 of Pineapples, the Avian Crows-Nyyark

Orlan Elder of Bards Posts: 97 (4/1/02 8:00:26 pm) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overall good. First thing, you have problems with adjectives. Sometimes you make an adjective out of something that shouldn't be one, sometimes you use an adjective as a begining of a sentance, one that dosen't work as one, and sometimes you over-over use adjectives. Try NOT putting adjectives in everywhere you think you can. Then read it to yourself and see how it seems to you. That should help. You also have the intersections (I forget the real name but the parts where you enclose something in commas that you can easily take out of a sentance and keep it meaning the same thing....hey I can build you a computer from a couple transistors and some chewing gum, but damned if I know words for english ) placed in the wrong parts of sentances, throwing off the flow. Secondly, Run-On sentances! You have a little problem with overusing them. But you don't want to just cut up everything, since that leads to choppy writing. You need to find a happy medium in between the two. If your sentance has more then 2 commas, check to see if you can make it flow better if you rewrite it. (Example : Yours "As they rode towards Xavier, which was a two-day ride from Sellonide, where their office was located, Avery kept firing behind them repeatedly, taking out the Sephinroth one by one, and as the others were giving chase, the Sephinroth Captain was unable to raise the others." Try a rewrite like this: "Avery stayed rear guard for the entire two-day trip to Xavier. He fell rider after rider with his bow, wearing down thier numbers. As long as they kept moving, the Sephinroth Captain would be unable to raise his men and keep pace." That's just an example mind you ) Those are the main things I noticed. There's some little things but no one need fuss about everything. You live longer if you don't fuss Good story, good accent actually. Reminds me of a little lady I used to MUD with who used an amazing accent that she typed faster then most people could type normally. She was always a hoot and a holler. Anyhoo...keep it going Good times.

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 556 (3/25/02 8:00:28 pm) Reply "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This thread has made a very interesting read thus far, and I'm eagerly awaiting the continuation. It has, once again, the essential elements that I believe fuel any good story: lots of good characterization and drama. There are two ways you incorporated characterization that I really liked, one being the incorporation of roles of the fellow Pen members and the other being the characterization of the Serpent's Nest (cocky voices and all ). I think that you've done a very respectable job of acting out those fellow Pen members you've decided to incorporate... I can really envision Wyv getting into one such a mess, and coming up with a scheme along those lines. I also like how rather then simply labeling the Serpent's Nest "that band of mercenaries", you came up with a name, character, and even vocal tone for each of the different mercenaries in the group. Another thing I find of interest is the current developement of the plot... I love the way you have Gyr owning an inn in this, I really didn't see that coming! The Sephinroth and the legend of the Dark Lord Maurlant are also quite intriguing, and I look forward to learning more about it, though admittedly not as much as I look forward to learning if Avery really does have a touch of eleven in him. On a final side note, I read through this entire thread in one read (I usually read in intervals) and it went like a breeze. The only part that seemed to drag a bit for me was the battle scene with the mercenaries vs. the endless zombie warriors, but then it's always good to include a few skirmishes here and there. Good stuff!

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 396 (5/2/02 10:27:45 pm) Reply Re: Call of the Tides -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Gyrfalcon applauds* I enjoy reading this story, please, please continue. Chapter 2! Yay!

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 632 (4/30/02 5:42:57 pm) Reply Call of the Tides -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Justin, thank you so much. Ever since the Robert Jordan letdown (i.e., all of The Wheel of Time books), I've been itching for a truly classic fantasy epic. And epic this smells to be, if the fact that I'm enjoying what's here so far as much as Feist, Weis, Hickman, or Tolkien is any indicator. Keep it up!

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 641 (5/2/02 4:59:24 pm) Reply Re: Auction of the Soul -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm glad to help. :>)

Xradion Honored Guest Posts: 13 (5/1/02 9:59:11 pm) Reply Re: Auction of the Soul -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks a lot! I actually wasn't sure if I should post it or not, because it was one of the earlier poems I wrote (I became more interested in poetry this year when I traveled to Chile and studies several Latin American poets, so this is really the first year I attempt to right poetry seriously), but your comments have re-affirmed this post. Xradion, The Horny Druid, Scholar of the Ancient Arts, Holder of the Eye of Odin. "The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream." -Wallace Stevens "When at home, do as the Homans do." –Xradion

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 628 (4/30/02 5:17:58 pm) Reply Auction of the Soul -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your rhythm and word choice flow very much like Shel Silverstein's. A fact that enhances the poem quite well with just the right feel of whimsical otherworldliness that is all the more familiar and serious because of it. You paint a very important, stark message that reads like one out of some of the better novels I've read. Kudos, Xr.

Zool47 Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards Posts: 366 (4/30/02 5:49:52 pm) Reply Re: Invisible -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Heh - thanks." After his severe tousling, Zool gets a prosthesis resembling his former dignity and straps it in place. Taking a tentative step, he mumbles, "It doesn't work the same, but the old one always just got in the way anyhoo." Jumping spastically, he shouts, "Ozy rocks!" ~Zool~ Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards. Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 627 (4/30/02 5:12:55 pm) Reply Re: Invisible -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ozymandias looks at Zool askance before cannoning into the taller man, knocking him to the ground, and administering an appreciative noogie. Aw, shucks, ya big lug. You shouldn't have. Edited by: Ozymandias the Elder at: 4/30/02 5:43:34 pm

Zool47 Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards Posts: 351 (4/24/02 6:49:42 pm) Reply Re: Invisible -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can I critique your reply? It was VERY entertaining, absolutely wonderful! Yes, we all love you Ozy. ~Zool~ Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards. Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 619 (4/24/02 5:50:36 pm) Reply Re: Invisible -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Right here is a perfect example of the advantages of working with someone over the internet. Gwaihir can't see me run for my dictionary as soon as "iambs" and "stanzas" are mentioned. To answer your question Gwai, yes, the layout *was* intentional. Did I intentionally use actual poem structure? Not really. {:>) First a noun like "masterpiece" is used to describe one of my poems, and now the adjective "beautiful"? AND I got a Cyril Darkcloud reply? Ozymandias carefully, one by one, sets all his pretensions of dignity aside. Then he dances around the room, waving his arms. YayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYayYa yYayYayYayYay! Sobering immediately after doing a few laps, Ozy picks up his pretensions and fixes them back into place. Thank you very much.