Archive

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 20 (6/13/02 10:00:14 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Valid point, it will have to be explained who they are and all the "stuff" that is going on. I also thought to keep away from the death trap of "plot filler" and have the story naturally progress so the reader has the information without it being dumped at his/her feet. Chapter 2 is a little more expositional to make up for the first chapter.

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 469 (6/12/02 8:34:50 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I liked it quite a bit, and their battle-armored friend is a hoot. *grins* My only comment is that some background on the characters, their motivations, maybe even the universe and the more common technology might be needed at some point. For example- what are fuel cells used in/for? (weapons technology, or just powering cars?)

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 19 (6/12/02 6:15:45 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That was something that needed to be well done, since the two intertwining scenes are so contrast in their style and mood. I think it plays well on both "coolness" and "humor"

reverie Initiate Posts: 71 (6/12/02 6:09:44 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well, i thought it was very well written. I like the how you smoothy switch from scene to scene back and forth... Real fluid ya know... revery the dreamlost

Nyyark Page Posts: 146 (6/12/02 4:22:37 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You wait two days, and I'll be out of school and into comments. =)

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 18 (6/12/02 2:09:41 pm) Reply Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I posted Chapter 1 of my story for my application (woot, ten pages!) and I know for a fact that comments are slight in that room of the forum, so I was wondering if anyone could provide some feedback on the chapter, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Chapter 1: dusk.bravepages.com/utopia.htm

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 34 (6/21/02 7:50:57 am) Reply Re: "Coming Home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I saw it, I saw it. I'm reading it over the next few days, so far I'm really liking what I see. Werefoxes and Kitsune.. whee!

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 646 (6/21/02 1:03:43 am) Reply "Coming Home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gyr, Sorry that I hadn't noticed the story before... My guess is that when you posted it, a lot of other people must have been posting things in the Assembly Room and somehow I managed to overlook it. Anyway, I read through the whole thing in one go this evening and thoroughly enjoyed it. Wyvern borrows Reverie's handy "Spoiler Alert" sign for a moment as he continues. First of all, I found the setting very interesting... A modern day Terra with all it's magical elements rejuvinated. I love the story as it is, but one thing you might be able to do in future stories incorporating this setting is to meld more elements of a modern day setting with the magical duels. For example: imagine Jehane tossing around her spells to fight off demonic entities on a moving subway train! She would have to consider which spells to incorporate, as one too powerfull might derail the train or cause an important element of the vehicle to explode... The characterisation throughout the story was well done, particularly the growing bonds of friendship between Daryl and Jehane (many of my favorite parts of the story involved the developements between those two... I guess I'm just a fan of mushy stuff ;p) as well as the growing feelings of envy and hatred found within Jeremy. I also got a feel for the kind of character Daryl is, though in this case I think that Jehane and Jeremy may have actually been characterised a bit better. One thing that I'm curious about is the references to Daryl's past: both his being bit by a rampant werefox and his mentioning of the mysterious location "The Conclave". Perhaps in future works you can reveal more about Daryl's past before the birth of technology... it sounds very interesting. My personal favorite chapter of the story was Chapter 3, although Chapter 5 certainly caught me off guard and held my interest as well. The Jehane line "... I’ll rip your heart out. Oh, and don’t worry- while I have no interest in sleeping with that werefox, I’m sure that he’d be a much better lover then you." was awesome... I definatly got a kick out of it and thought Jeremy got the response he rightfully derserved. ;p The battles of Chapter 5 didn't really catch my attention at first (lengthy battles have never been my favorite thing to read) but the plot totally caught me off guard, which was great. You see, I thought that the high elf summoner was going to betray Jeremy, not a powerfull summoned demon lord! As for things to improve... I thought that the encounter with Miranda the vampiress in Chapter 1 seemed a bit random, although maybe she plays an important element in Daryl's past, as Gloria certainly must have. It would have been interesting to have Miranda resurface at some point in the story, perhaps as one of Daryl's contacts.... Also, while I think the epilogue ended the story decently, I also feel that it's missing something... perhaps Jehane's feelings after they go their seperate ways... Anyway, this is an all around excellent story, and I'd highly recommend other members to take the time to read through it.

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 487 (6/20/02 9:55:48 pm) Reply Re: never hesitate! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Firewalker- Tis alright, though you may want to look at what reverie suggests. reverie- Thank you for your reply. The beginning on the disappearence and what not of magical creatures was intentional- It was written for my myth final, and I doubt my Mythology teacher was all that deep into fantasy. Add on the fact that I'm using a non-standard universe (start with what little I know of World of Darkness, then start modifying to fit my tastes) This is actually meant to be part of a series of works, and I had the idea bouncing around my head of going back to Jeremy's trapped and tormented soul to get the parts I left hidden. As it was, I wanted to keep who was the true badguy hidden, and provide a long-standing badguy for the heroes and heroines (there will be more... mwahahahaha!) to face off against. Peredhil- thank you for your idea, and if/when (I'll try to make it when) I go back to revise it again, I'll try reading it aloud and seeing what might flow better. I do sometimes do that, but I was too pressed for time on this story to manage it before I printed it out. Thank you three for replying. *smiles*

peredhil31 An Ancient Polite Bard Posts: 1038 (6/20/02 4:01:56 pm) Reply ezSupporter never hesitate! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry, pressed for time of late. I DID read it and I liked the thematic content. I recall thinking it could be polished a bit in phrasing - do you ever read your works outloud before posting, to see how they feel as they come off the tongue? I can't think of an example off the top of my head, because it's been a week, sorry. I enjoyed Darryl's story and would like to read more! hug and run -P

reverie Initiate Posts: 88 (6/20/02 2:00:05 pm) Reply Re: I hesistated to ask... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I liked it. You really got me engrosssed into the world of the foxkinners... I'd give you some more constructive cristism... but it was kinda of a while ago that i read it, and my memories kinda fuzzy... ...spoiler... alert! Hmm, oh yeah, i liked the intro about all the magical creatures disappearing n'stuff... It read like a published work to me... Hmm, what else, oh maybe a little more back ground on the demon lord guy that saved the day by being himself... It totally surprised me when he just stepped out of nowhere like that... but maybe that's what you were going for... okay that's all... gotta run... oh year... one more thing... hey firewalker... why don't you get a monitor shield... my works great for me... or you could do what someone else suggested and print them out... If you don't have printer... then copy and paste them... and email them somewhere that does... or if you really really are out of on a limb and are just dying to get a hold of them... you could email them to someone with a printer... then they could snail mail them to you... That's seem an awful lot of trouble to me, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do... Also consider getting you eye's checked, tested for dislexyia, eppalepsy, and always remember to blink... or try take some dramamine... okay really gotta run now... revery the dreamlost

Fire Walker Initiate Posts: 30 (6/20/02 1:03:34 pm) Reply Re: I hesistated to ask... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't read long postsor stories. The only reason I respond is because I felt guilty.

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 486 (6/20/02 9:57:01 am) Reply I hesistated to ask... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://pub79.ezboard.com/fthemightypenfrm1...picID=125.topic Coming Home - A Story of Daryl Carnsilion given that its been eight days since I posted that, I was wondering: Has anyone read it? (answered- Canid's been reading a little of it, but she's the only one who has said anything to me of it) What do you think? What could be improved?

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 463 (6/9/02 12:02:30 pm) Reply Re: The work. You know, on the Pen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Gyrfalcon raises a small sign that involves an arrow, and points it at Justin. The sign reads, of course, "I agree with this guy"* Heh, I'll have something to post up in a few days, I think... at least, I better. *grin* I'm writing a Daryl story for my myth final, and since that final is on Wednesday... Well, lets just say I'm working my butt off on it.

Nyyark Page Posts: 136 (6/9/02 8:39:27 am) Reply Re: The work. You know, on the Pen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LOL!

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 633 (6/9/02 1:34:27 am) Reply Re: The work. You know, on the Pen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I agree... I've seen some real quality works posted here recently, and really wish I had the time and energy to fully comment on them all. Needless to say, they're all worthy of praise... With that, Wyvern places a small yellow pin with a white arrow pointing towards Justin on his shirt that reads "I'm with Silverblade!"

Justin Silverblade Page Posts: 135 (6/5/02 10:50:35 pm) Reply The work. You know, on the Pen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I would just like to say how much I like it." "Like what Justin?" "The work. You know, on the Pen. Here, duh." "Yeah, but, WHICH works in particular?" "In particular? What do you mean in particular? I love it ALL!" ~ I have just been reading this and that, nothing enough to talk about specifically, but I just wanted to say that EVERYTHING I've read is great. Some of it has real passion, other stuff is just so well written, paints pictures, rolls of the tounge, etc. If your one of those guys (and gals) that has been posting a lot recently, keep it up. If you aren't... then get to it! We miss ya. Keep up the good work ~

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 630 (6/9/02 12:02:23 am) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Katiya, Some comments on the continuation: I'm still really liking it, and I think it's developing nicely. I particularly like the growing love interest between Bryan and Kat, which I think you've subtely hinted at very well with both the comb scene (that eye twinkle definatly wasn't curiousity) and the reaction to Bryan's missing mother. As any good writer should, you're getting us attached to the characters and making us cling to their every action. Keep it up... As for swearing... As I said, I personally find nothing wrong with it, but I do know that there are some Pen members that may find it offensive. I agree that that is how many high schoolers talk, so it certainly has it's place in the story... My recommendation would not be to completely remove it, but rather to use the magical mini-censure asterixs. For example: "F**kin'" instead of the full word. Those adult enough to use it will immediatly know what you mean. Anyway, great story so far. I look forward to the continuation.

Katiya Damodred Page Posts: 36 (6/7/02 4:19:34 pm) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I appreciate the praise, all of you, thanks! I have noticed I'm repeating myself a lot, especially in the first part...I'll work on that. And as for the cussing, well...see, I wanted this story to give people insight into the real high school world, not the pretty, cleaned-up picture that readers are so often fed. That's how my friends talk, disgusting as it seems. But if you think its inappropriate, perhaps I will weed it out. Stay tuned for more. I'm glad you like it so far! Image by FlamingText.com

Rahsash Geldich Page Posts: 104 (6/5/02 7:14:32 am) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I too would like to add my praises! Excellent portrayal of interaction and actions, I particularly like the spot on the stairs. Kudos to you!

reverie Initiate Posts: 56 (6/3/02 6:06:24 pm) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I agree... I find it very interesting... It's sounds like the beginning of a good horror/modern day fantasy novel you got there... Actually it reminds of a book I read a few months back called 'Dominion' by Bentley Little... Half of it was a teen love story with all the usually angst that goes with it... the other half was a very, very, very sick and twisted yet intriguing plot to resurrect the God of Dionysus... Casting the sick and twisted disgusting stuff aside, I can see some similarities... revery the dreamlost

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 623 (6/3/02 12:18:50 am) Reply Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Katiya, I've read what you've wrote so far in your story in the Assembly Room, and am finding it interesting and entertaining. I liked how you started the story with the exchange of the box to the foreigner, it immediatly captured the reader's attention and gives the story a certain sense of mystery. Also, the description of the woman portrayed at the beginning (who's obviously Bryan's mother) gives us a good idea of the kind of parental guardian she is. With the greedy nature she bears, it's apparent from the beginning that the selling of the box is a mistake. Another thing I like so far in the story is the use of characterisation. Shortly after being introduced to Bryan and Kirk, we quickly get a feel for the kinds of students they are, their attitudes towards girls, etc. As the story progresses, I'm sure we'll learn more about them, particularly the main character Bryan. I'm eager to see the kind of relations he has with his mother (or if it isn't his mother, the woman who sold his box). Another thing I found interesting was the portrayal of the foreigner who has the box thus far. The image of his roaring off in a Black Jaguar and giving off the instinct impression that flames had shot out from it hints that he is somewhat evil in nature. Now, on the downside of things... Be carefull of repetitions. In the first paragraph, when describing the women that sold the box, the word "she" seems a bit overused. Also, while I find nothing wrong with it, be sure to use swearing sparingly. There's only one bad word, so it's not really a big deal, but just remember that we do have people of all ages reading. Once again, I like it so far and will be sure to keep up with it as you post more. I'm interested to see what it developes into.

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 653 (5/17/02 3:37:23 pm) Reply Re: Revenge is a dish that is best served Cold -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the rest of you lot would like, I can post the next part, BUT it would mean an interruption to the combat [i just don't like any fighting ideas I come up with]. What do you say, DM?

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 395 (5/2/02 10:26:29 pm) Reply Re: Revenge is a dish that is best served Cold -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ooo... finally, into the frey! Alright, if someone gets to it before I do, and wish to involve a magic duel: my ideas are: the ranger and warrior try to shoot me with their bows, but I'll manage to deflect their arrows with a missile ward. Around that time, the enemy druid will begin summoning animals, and I'll summon monsters to counter him. Basically, one for one, evenly matched spell-duel. And then the rest of you can go at it.

Balladore Quill-Bearer Posts: 92 (5/2/02 7:31:54 pm) Reply Re: Revenge is a dish that is best served Cold -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ooooh... *comes up with a much deeper plot, with the hiring goblins as a base...* I'll take you up on that, I think, Zephryin... and thanks for the idea :-)