Archive

Zool47 Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards Posts: 546 (7/29/02 7:28:10 am) Reply Re: Regarding the dreamer saga... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, so you can't get published because you don't write fast enough?? *Zool's painted eyes screw up to gaze at the ceilling in consternation as his arm is rendered moving up to his chin to thoughtfully scratch the stubble there. A very thoughful pose permeates the canvas. After a moment he looks back down at you.* "Nope. Just can't figger that one." ~Zool~ Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards. Master of Magic and Mayhem, The Moonlit Realm Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.

Zadown Bard Posts: 204 (7/29/02 4:42:30 am) Reply Re: Regarding the dreamer saga... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Darn, just now noticed this is here .. thanks guys. I don't think I could live by writing though, it all flows too slowly for me, getting 1k words done in a day is about the best I can ever do. I'll just be a paper factory worker instead, pays really well and you don't have to actually do anything...

Zool47 Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards Posts: 502 (7/1/02 6:41:05 am) Reply Re: Regarding the dreamer saga... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I know. I agree. I'll even be his editor, his agent!" Too late Zool realizes what he said. He has time to just look over at Wyvern who is innocently inspecting his shoes as a large painted Acme anvil falls on Zool from the top of his portrait. Now it is a scene of a ruined castle with the tips of two shoes poking out from under a large anvil. A small sign pops out that says "Ouch!" ~Zool~ Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards. Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.

reverie Initiate Posts: 103 (6/30/02 6:09:18 pm) Reply Regarding the dreamer saga... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi, just read through about half of zadown's dreamer saga and was floored... Zadown your a genius... Get published man... really... revery the dreamlost "are we trapped in life?" the dream continues...

Canid Initiate Posts: 41 (7/25/02 6:52:38 am) Reply Re: Bird in spring -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Canid grins.* Posting comments on my poetry three months before I have access to where they are posted... I feel honored! It is not the optimism of the poem that disgusted me - personally I really don't like depressing poems - it was just the overly mushy style "You're a bird in spring" phrase... it is not the sort of thing I'm used to writing. I am glad you enjoyed it though... and I no longer feel doubtful about whether I should have posted it. It is interesting how often the phrasing seems to be appropriate unintentionally... I suppose it just sounds right as I write it and I don't think on why. I felt it necessary to add the TWEET to escape from the mushiness of the rest... *Eleanor glides overhead and tweets... Canid gives her a look.*

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 629 (4/30/02 5:22:43 pm) Reply Bird in spring -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tell me, M'lady Canid, why is optimism so shocking?? ;>) Myself, I enjoyed it greatly. The deeper meaning is easily found, and I think you made a very nice foil to the somber nature of your message with the almost silly way you phrased it. The phrasing added terrific emphasis, too because you got this reader thinking of important worries and smiling (read that as embracing hope) at the same time. I especially loved the end. TWEET!

Lord Cullyn Initiate Posts: 9 (7/14/02 10:54:57 pm) Reply Re: Legend, by Lord Cullyn -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aye, I hadn't named her yet, and didn't know what to call her-- at that point, I only had mental images of the characters-- I had yet to assign names to them. Thank you for your feedback, and I've posted a continuance. I hope you enjoy; this could make for a very long tale . -Cullyn

Nyyark Page Posts: 192 (7/14/02 9:25:36 pm) Reply Legend, by Lord Cullyn -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Neato! I like what I'm seeing. I think this contains all of the elements a first chapter should. It has brief introduction to the characters I assume the plot will follow, It has The foundations of the storyline, A bit of history, but not too much to bore the reader, and an introduction to two sinister problems with enough information to leave the reader puzzling over what their mysterious connection could be. Excellently done. You have a talent for writing battle that creates a vivid yet fast flow of action necessary to capture the movement. I really liked the point of better security in the city leading to bandits in the farmlands. I would have never thought of that, and might have to use it in one of my stories sometime. There are only two things I see as being problematic with your writing. When you use a reflexive pronoun make sure it is referring to the last noun you used. It is sometimes okay to break this with characters that have already been established as a specific gender when no other characters or things of that gender are around. It is best to play it safe however, and if you use another noun, it is best to refer to a character by name before using a reflexive. I saw problems with this in the Bandit scene and in the scene where the king died. Using he after Alexandra (I think) really lost me for a bit. The only other problem I see is almost non-existent. It was the re-usage of "he and his sister". For some reason that redundancy really stood out to me. I think this might be because you hadn't yet named his sister. Perhaps if you named her earlier on it would be better. All in all it was really good. Keep it up! =) -Nyyark Page of the Pen

Katiya Damodred Page Posts: 43 (7/5/02 2:55:10 pm) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I agree with what everyone has said so far...darkly disturbing, and filled with emotional distress. It sounds great so far...perhaps I could learn from this, and pull myself into some of this emotional drama, work on the basics of a story instead of building from the middle outward. Image by FlamingText.com

Rahsash Geldich Page Posts: 138 (6/26/02 5:53:45 pm) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~~~***NOTICE***~~~ I decided I don't like the last post I did to this story, so I'm changing it, hence allowing more character development and giving me a little more of a range of storylines to choose from. I'd like som feedback on the change, if anyone feels that they liked the former post instead of the edited one. What I plan on doing (for those who didn't notice ) is editing out the police officer and Angie, my reasoning being (for those of you who want it all to turn happy already) that those two factors move the direction too much too fast. Second point, I want to take the sl somewhere else first. Mucos gracias my amigos Edited by: Rahsash Geldich at: 6/26/02 6:04:22 pm

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 21 (6/13/02 10:03:18 am) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Excellent story, you write of things much darker than I would dare touch upon in my own writing, it takes guts to inject such emotion and malcontent Keep it up!

Yui Temae Huntress Posts: 245 (6/13/02 7:55:16 am) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Much to my pleasure, I've finally put together enough time to read through your story, Rahsash. I can see why our friends have commented as they have. Excellently done! I think you've found a very, very effective combination of reality, simplicity, and emotionalism in the style of your writing, here, and it allows you to bring the experience to the reader and embroil their own emotions with Alaxis'. Specifically, I'm entranced by the imagery you use at times. I love the way you have taken seemingly-normal actions and equated them to the deeper emotional tapestry of your heroine. For example: "She could see a shadow of her mother grappling with the telephone and its spiral cord, a demon using the serpent to communticate with the devil." The sentence reveals a lot to us about how Alaxis feels about her mother and father and how they feel about each other. I love subtlety and the art of revealing information without letting anyone realize that they've just learned something important, and I can say that you've done it well and often in this story. Bravo! Best of all, I see very few grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors! Heh. Seriously, excellent job. I could ramble on, but I feel like I've mentioned my favorite and the most noteable trait of your writing here. It's a very meaningful and relevant plot to many people with excellent use of imagery and allusion and mystery to keep your reader hooked. I'm looking forward to reading more!

Rahsash Geldich Page Posts: 128 (6/10/02 6:02:47 am) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for your support! I am going to try to play irony as much as I can in this story, in fact, I have a few cards up my sleeve I think you might enjoy. It feels like she would simply talk for the feel of talking, and that it turns up to be to the knife plays up the way that no one realises it. Once again, Thank You!

Nyyark Page Posts: 138 (6/9/02 5:53:38 pm) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So far your execution is brilliant! I know a few people I could see this being. I really really like this. I'm looking forward toward its furtherence. I found this more consoling than disturbing, I'm not sure why. I can totally understand talking to the knife. The irony is brilliant.

reverie Initiate Posts: 61 (6/9/02 2:40:17 pm) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just like to voice my support for you current endeavor... I see a lot of truth to it... I love how you portray the young girl slipping further and further into darkness, while no seems to care or notice... And even when the teacher does, he does nothing... Or how you show the self-absorbed parents who can't see the abuse and damage they've done to their child... It's tragic, sad, and regrettably true for many in this world... Look forward to reading the rest of it... revery the dreamlost... Edited by: reverie at: 6/9/02 2:41:38 pm

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 462 (6/9/02 11:59:43 am) Reply Re: "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Gyrfalcon applauds* You're an excellent writer, Rahsash, and I enjoy reading this piece, even if it is disturbing. Like Wyvern, I hope something good will happen to the heroine, to balance all the bad in her life.

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 632 (6/9/02 1:24:05 am) Reply "Feel so Small" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rahsash, Some comments on what you've written so far in "Feel so Small". I must say that thus far I find it totally captivating... It's excellently written and disturbingly real... after reading the first two posts in it I found that my throat was totally parched. ;p The image of a gothic looking girl that has only the very blade she cuts herself with to talk to is genuinely frightening. I pray for some ray of hope, however distant or vague, since it seems to be primarily her abusive parents who have led to her being this way... I also definatly see some moral messages evolving from the story, particularly when Alaxis mentions that it hadn't been this way before her father had begun drinking. Keep up the good writing.

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 35 (6/21/02 3:21:07 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm writing more, thanks for your input. Don't worry, Juggernaut (Roley) isn't invincible, just relatively immune to infantry sized weapons. Or should I say, very immune... Until Chapter 2.

Fire Walker Initiate Posts: 32 (6/21/02 1:29:34 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok. I printed and read it. I'm going to comment by section. I consider a section ending with the ***** Good descriptions. Fascinating. Fun conversation. ***** Seemed a little god-modish. Overall good, not as good as first part. ***** Didn't really care for it. Seemed important to the story though. ***** Interesting. Best part so far. Good human interaction scenes. ***** Verm is a fox??? Nice twist! Juggernaut in the car dodging guns was cool. Doesn't tie up all of the loose ends. Write more!!!

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 33 (6/20/02 1:25:42 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's alright. I'm not forcing you to read it. Might I suggest printing it out to help with the headache problem, Chapter 1 is relatively printer friendly.

Fire Walker Initiate Posts: 29 (6/20/02 8:43:29 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm afraid to comment because I haven't read it. I can't read long posts on the computer. My head starts to hurt. Sorry. I've read about half of it in small chunks, and I like it so far. -- Fire Walker -- One of the few... The proud... The pyromaniacs... "What luck for rulers that men do not think." ~Adolf Hitler

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 29 (6/15/02 1:40:54 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yui, I apologize, I should have read your review in detail, I missed several details I was wondering how the furs would go over with people. The idea of describing once then assuming the rest are like the first, that's good, I'll expand Chels' description scene to fill in those details. Since Burhin has been working with me on this project since the start two years ago (He qualifies as co-writer) I've already got a wonderful editor. (He spent a good hour telling me what mistakes I could fix in that chapter, I fixed maybe 1/10th of them before publishing it here. Thanks for offering though, your critique will do just fine. Now I gotta get off my furry butt and write Chapter 2!

reverie Initiate Posts: 74 (6/13/02 2:11:10 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LAW: Light Antitank/Antiarmor Weapon... (From Law & Disorder : Rearming the 66Mm Light Anti-Tank Weapon by fred brown) Light Assault Weapon: (found www.acronymfinder.com) Laser Artillery Weapon (from gi joe) revery the dreamlost

Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 23 (6/13/02 11:18:55 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Right-o, I was afraid of that, I barely remember the exact meaning of LAW as it is. Thanks for that advice!

Yui Temae Huntress Posts: 246 (6/13/02 11:11:24 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've a couple of quick comments to make, having finally gotten the time together to read through this. 1) I certainly agree with Gyrfalcon that there's a lot yet to be explained. That's a perfectly valid, most often necessary, and oft-used literary technique. So long as you fill in the details a little later, I think you're fine. However. I think there are some things in the first chapter that can't wait. a) Undefined acronyms are quite painful to me. (e.g. LAW and HUD) The danger of using any acronym is that they are very, very jargon-like. Certain people would know that a HUD is a Head's-Up display, but others wouldn't. As an author, my personal philosophy is that you do a favor for your readers if you make sure to define every acronym the first time you use it. The concept of your Furr humanoids is not as standard as, say, that of an 'elf' or a 'dwarf'. I think you'd do well to describe a character in more detail so that the reader can get a better idea of what your bipedal fuzzies look like. (I assume they're bipedal.) I'd say that you really only need to do this for one character, since the other 'types' can be assumed to look similar. 2) Since it's my personal mission to always mention such things... I see a number of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. If you want the details, I'll volunteer to play Editor. (It's always safe to volunteer, because no one ever cares enough to have me do it. ) 3) I like your plot, setting, characters, etc. Very good! You've grabbed the reader by leaving lots of details untold and presenting a couple of mysteries. You've got a good trio of characters with interesting and distinct personalities. You've got great flow, and a good level of detail with the mentioned exceptions. I think you've got a great start, here. Good job! I'm looking forward to chapter 2.