Archive

reverie Page Posts: 244 (10/25/02 6:35:20 pm) Reply Re: Assembly Room - Mad? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ah another has succumbed to that addition... pity... revery the dreamlost "so long and far away" the dream continues...

peredhil31 An Ancient Polite Bard Posts: 1119 (10/25/02 4:08:15 pm) Reply ezSupporter Re: Assembly Room - Mad? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joaty is in the Legion of the White Rose, playing EverQuest, and doing very well.

Zool47 Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards & Weenie Posts: 711 (10/25/02 3:40:01 pm) Reply Re: Assembly Room - Mad? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Arawn is Stratus. Perhaps Tzimfemme would know where abouts Joat could be found these days? ~Zool~ Hell NO I don't want competition - I want something I can win!

The Big Pointy One Page Posts: 123 (10/25/02 2:38:17 pm) Reply Re: Assembly Room - Mad? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Following that line of thought, I hope 'The Search for Joat' hasn't been consumed by the old Boards. That would not be good.

Canid Page Posts: 71 (10/25/02 6:43:31 am) Reply Re: Assembly Room - Mad? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I really ought to read Gyrfalcon the Mad and Search for Joat sometime.... until I do, there will be so much I won't understand. :S *Canid potters around trying to make sense of things.*

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 613 (10/24/02 10:45:51 pm) Reply Assembly Room - Mad? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hmm.... alright, now I'm really confused. The Arawn who hated me... wasn't Arawn? If he wasn't Arawn, who was he? And Stratus is actually Arawn? *Gyrfalcon wonders if *this* Arawn would like to kill him too*

Nyyark Page Posts: 269 (10/18/02 3:48:18 pm) Reply WW/Fell/Reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nyyark -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You might want to try As or When for the 1st word. Starting with And seems sort of choppy. Perhaps But. I like the idea, but I think that the entire poem should flow more smoothly. Your talking about rain falling, but the two lines, without a consistent syllable pattern give me More of a dry desert feel. At . That also might of been because I didn't really understand what falling rain meant. You might want to connote rain more in this poem, perhaps using imagery. Right now, the closest thing I can come up with for the symbolism of rain is judgment. I think this is because I think of falling Judges Hammers, and your last line, which gave the effect of you were satisfied with yourself. reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh this poem... is barely even worth being called a draft... I pieced it together from notes i wrote extremely fast in one of my notebooks when trying to recall the rain night of late december... I'm still trying to figure it all out myself... I have a lot of decisions to make in this poem i think... thanx for the input... i thought about using 'as' or 'when' in the first line too... but in the end i left it like that, because that was how it orginally came out... When i do an overhaul of it, i prolly use of one those words... The whole approach might change though... i don't know... it's fun though revery the dreamlost (transfered from Draft Room)

Nyyark Page Posts: 268 (10/18/02 3:46:37 pm) Reply WW/Thirst/Reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nyyark -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An excellent display of right-brained generation transformed to an understandable poem. A few formattish things: Line 15 weaver of the wheels = Weaver of The Wheels? (adds a more mystical\importance in my opinion, almost legendary) Line 16 with = With Line 18 I think you should either take out the comma after Then, or add then before flow. Either will help the flow of that part. I had a little trouble getting past it, because there wasn't much alliteration or rhyming. Good Job! In an English Class I had, we once webbed off of a stament, and kept webbing until we 'felt' like writing. I think that might be a simmalar way to generate a poem, though we used it to write a paper, because it give thought a bit more clarity. reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanx The formating of the improvised thoughts and fragments was a little difficult... Trying to get it to make some sence was strech. Also, i had the same problems getting through line 18 thru 21 when i tried to set it down... taking your advice and adding a bit to it... i think i'll try this: Lose, …then win. Flow, …in a broken spirit Lost. might work? btw... can you plz kill all the pop-ups ons this board... revery the dreamlost Edited by: reverie at: 6/7/02 5:26:55 pm Nyyark -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like that much better. It made more sense to my mouth and my eyes. In the last line fail comes easier to my lips than fall. I'm not entirely sure why, but fail also might go better with the word try then fall. I can only kill the pop-ups if I donate money to this board, and right now that isn't a commitment I will make, because I have noted a visible traffic of three. Besides, I would need a credit card, and I am to young to have one. I wish there was something I could do about it, sorry. peredhil31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there are a number of free popup blockers available to install if that is an issue, or if you have the money, you can become a CSC gold member and have all popups go away from all Ezboards - for you. That's what I did. -P reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh... i finally got my popup blocker working...(huh, forgot i had one...) current stats as follows: Ads filtered: ezboard... 112 Popups filtered: ezboard... 6 jeez... i've only been on the board less than 5 minutes... revery the dreamlost (transfered from Draft Room)

Nyyark Page Posts: 267 (10/18/02 3:43:41 pm) Reply WW/I do/reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nyyark -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can't wait to see where you take this one. For fear of fright has nice alliteration, even though it is slightly redundant. Its counter-line: Sometimes I think that I should die… is kind of awkward. You might want to take the that, because the syllables fit better, and it creates an internal Rhyme, which goes well with the previous alliteration. For the repeated section, you might try But I do instead of Yes I do I like the slip personality thing Yes I do creates, however I think it needs something to create the effect better. Something between the two lines might help... Well good job, I'm looking forward to your next installment. reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wow, good points... I have to think about it a little, before i incorparate them, but thanx for the insights... revery the dreamlost (transfered from draft room)

Nyyark Page Posts: 266 (10/18/02 3:41:59 pm) Reply WW/Dark Rainy Night/Reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- peredhil31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Neat sense of progression. Thank you! When I get time, I'll try to go back through and see if any feedback springs to mind. -P reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- okay thanx rev... Nyyark -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I really enjoyed the part in which your describing the prose being created. It has a really good rhythm. In your 3rd draft you used Lover's do sigh, and in your 4th you used Lovers do sign. Was this on purpose. I find sigh to give a warmer aspect to Lovers, where sign appears to take a more cynical outlook on love. Sigh conflicts however with the cold environment I felt. Darkness and cold seem sterile, where as sigh seems to contaminate that atmosphere. Sign on the other hand doesn't seem to conflict as much. Because the line ends with a retort back to the darkness, you could do something like build up against the atmosphere with a different word choice, and then bring it back sharply at the end. This would, to me, give the effect of a brisk chill breeze shattering a train of thought. I think that would also work well. I love this poem, I hope to see it at the Pen in some form. reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh! that 'sign' was typo... i'll fix it... thanx... i'll reply more in dept later tonight... i'm off to work... Thanx again for all your suggestions... I work on incorperating them in tonight... rev... reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiya... okay, finally got a spare minute... Well the line in question should have read... "in darkness, lover's do sigh" but, i think i'll change it to: 'In darkness, lover's did sigh' to set it up better... I typed 'sign' by mistakein... But anyway i see what you mean with you suggestion... "sigh" i guess would seem to be in conflict with the rest of the phrase... However, that was kinda what i was going for... You see, the poem is based on an actual night last year, when walking around south korea, i got caught in a winter rain storm... Pieces of songs and other memories started floating in my head trying to form into something... so i just, kept walking briskly towards home where all of it started feeded on itself... 'fell' and 'oh tell me' orginally sprang from this night...(though i didn't write them down till weeks later) And after getting inside my room, i wrote the first draft of "dark rainly night" about the experience... Anyway... The contrast is there, because in the dark cold of that night... A few of the thoughts cycling in my head, where that of a past love... Both wonderful and bitter memories resurfaced one after another... Having partially numbed myself to them years ago... Remembering the pain and joy of her was both sweet and bitter sweet in a self destructive sort of way... It's hard to discribe... You sigh at the good memories... then cry when you remember what destroyed them... thanx for the well-thought out advice though... revery Edited by: reverie at: 6/7/02 5:09:46 pm peredhil31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the paragraph beginning "anyway" in your reply above is very very good. It's worth developing in a number of ways. I think I'm not the only one that has echos of feelings when I read it. I think one problem is that the 'feeling' node of the brain is on one side, and the 'words' node of the brain is on the other. Poets, Writers, and most especially Musicians, in my opinion, take on the mission of expressing the inexpressable feelings we all have, of taking the emotions common to life and bringing them into words. In your paragraph, you expressed the complex ball of yarn that is a experience and memory, and began pointing out the individual threads, and did it well. You've done it symbolically in your poem, and explicitly with your text - and I've resonated to both. You have the sword of talent - keep sharpening your edges to cut to the heart of the experience and reveal their murky tangled truths to the light of day. Peredhil, the analogy guy reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh your too kind... Thanx... Not sure how to developed that paragraph though? I'll try sometime and see what happens... thanx again revery the dreamlost... (this is a move over of an old commentary)

ntraveler2 Initiate Posts: 33 (10/10/02 1:20:49 pm) Reply Redemption -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- anyone have some criticisms to make so far? -posted by ntraveler2, scholar/storyteller, the Voice of the Prophets, and renegade from the dying AMBB

Zool47 Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards Posts: 674 (10/9/02 10:33:12 am) Reply Re: "Guess Who- A Duet" - Assembly Room -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Turgid oatmeal? Gelid vomitous puddle? A rather vivid play, with an unsettling focus. The only point is the shock value of sharing pain - and pain seems to be what the author(s) have in abundance. My advice (for what it's worth) is to try to write a little less for effect and try for some finesse. That way you won't overpower your audience and you WILL get more of your point across. Vivid impressions without resorting to a plethora of adjectives is the mark of a master. Email me for suggestions.

peredhil31 An Ancient Polite Bard Posts: 1092 (10/9/02 9:35:52 am) Reply ezSupporter "Guess Who- A Duet" - Assembly Room -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No guess, but that got rather gross... shudders

Lord Seth Exodus Initiate Posts: 131 (9/30/02 12:48:58 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you, Wyvern, for your comments; they are greatly appreciated. I'm glad that you enjoyed my story; your praise is well recieved. I too was rather proud of Eve's death, and that whole scene. And actually, Seth's rejection of Fear's embodiment of Eve was quite within his character. Seth is as loyal a gentleman as you shall ever find in this world, and his devotion to his wife, as you can clearly see, is one of his greatest loyalties. It is, however, surpassed only by his devotion to God, so he gave way from love to faith. Also, if you think of it, once he realized that, he realized that it truly wasn't his wife, and to accept such a thing would be a great dishonor to the true memory of Eve; also, if that was different about her, what else could be, hum? All of this is more of a personal knowledge to me, as I created Seth, so your thoughts are well justified, Wyv; but hopefully this side of Seth will be better known in times to come. I'm also glad you enjoyed the riddle scene. I was afraid, going into it, that it would be seen as a recreation of Tolkien's "Riddles in the Dark" from The Hobbit, which was not my intent at all. I'm relieved that you like it. I do, however, relate to your thoughts on the ending. It really took a twist I had not thought of taking, and it did come out rather abruptly. I may revise it to be something more subtle, but we shall see, I'm still rather fonding of the ending as is. Thank you once again, Wyvern. Any other criticisms that you or anyone else has are welcome. Yours, Lord Seth Exodus Initiate of The Pen

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 724 (9/28/02 3:40:51 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seth, I just recently took the time to read through "Fathomed Fear" (sorry for the delay in getting to it) and found it very interesting and enjoyable. Here are a few comments: I think that one of the strongest points of the story lies in the dialogue. You word your dialogues between characters very well, and your descriptions of their emotional responses are also excellent. I also like the way you occasionaly personify the elements of nature, such as the description of the moon's flight after the flashback has ended. There were several moments in the story that I found particularly well done, two of my favorites being the scene in which Seth has a riddle competition with fear and the flashback moment where Eve is slain. I found the riddle scene to be very clever in its use of quotations and word play while the scene of Eve's death had emotions running wild. Once again, I thought the dialogues and reactions of characters were particularly well done in these two scenes. Another thing I liked in the story was the characterization of Seth Exodus. I really got a feel for the kind of character Seth is in addition to gaining some knowledge of his past history... Courteous, confident, and faithfull are some of the first adjectives that come to mind... Seth's character is very clearly portrayed throughout the story. I didn't think the flint-lock pistol was out of place in the flashback... as you pointed out, it suites the character of Seth quite well. The ending, on the other hand, I found somewhat awkward... Obviously the themes of faith and righteousness were meant to be portrayed, but I still couldn't help feeling rather shocked when Seth rejected fear's incarnation of Eve due to her not showing devotion to God. Judging from Seth's love for her in his flashbacks, I would have thought that such a thing wouldn't stop him from cherishing her return... Although the themes were made clear, the righteous ending of the story seemed somewhat out of place to me and was my least favorite part of the story. One other thing you could have possibly improved in the story is the characterization of fear. Though he takes the forms of many of Seth's friends and aquaintances, I didn't really feel that he had a sinister personality all to his own. Then again, his fits of temper did show his inner rage... and perhaps fear was meant to be portrayed as a hollow entity in the story... one devoid of soul or any true emotions... Once again, a very interesting and enjoyable read Seth. I look forward to more of your works!

Lord Seth Exodus Initiate Posts: 124 (9/18/02 11:03:10 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, gentlemen, and ladies, if any arrive, I have laid out my story in full now. I would like to know what you love, what you hate, and all comments in general. Your praise, thus far, has been well met, and I greatly appreciate it. I had a few apprehentions about how Seth ended the battle in the flash-back (just to spark something here) does a flint-lock pistol seem too out of place in the story, time line wise and all? I know it suites Seth, but I'm not sure if it fits the time; I could always change it. And I would like some thoughts on the ending. I took it into a far deeper spiritual line than I had thought I might; I like it, but I want your opinions. Those are just some of my question to you; at your leisure. Yours, Lord Seth Exodus Initiate of The Pen

Justin Silverblade Page Posts: 159 (9/18/02 10:36:54 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seth, I sent my thougths to you via email some time ago. But as long as this thread is here, might as well give ya a booster. Loved it, loving it, and going to keep on lovin' it. Keep up the good work friend!

Falcon2001 Quill-Bearer Posts: 403 (9/18/02 9:25:07 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Falcon drags himself into the critic's corner, carrying a briefcase and a bottle of wine. Throwing himself into a chair, he pours himself a glass and downs it, then glares hatefully at the briefcase. "Sorry about the lack of response, but ah've been pretty busy lately. I really like the way you're pulling it off, and hope that you finish this. By the way, I finally started HotA, so if you want to try your luck when you're finished with this, you're welcome to go for it, the more the merrier." Falcon downs another drink and then looks at his watch. "CRAP! I'vegottagoseeyalaterbye!" Falcon is out the door before Seth can quite recover. Cioden Darkeye Quill-Bearer - The Pen is Mightier than the Sword Owner of the Reply Raven - Enemy to all those who never post responses "Oh my God, I'm LEAKING POETRY!"

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 570 (9/18/02 1:27:51 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heh, I've been meaning to say something for a while, but I didn't want to interject my comment into your story, breaking the flow. Then I remembered that the Critic's Corner is here for a reason. Go Seth, and yes, we read it. Or at least I do. *goes and shakes people and tells them to comment!*

Lord Seth Exodus Initiate Posts: 120 (9/18/02 10:06:54 am) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, thank God! I was begining to think that no one was reading my story; this is very encouraging. And, you're right, Gyr, I try to institute many biblical referances; I'm glad you like them. Just wait for the conclusion. Yours, Lord Seth Exodus Initiate of The Pen

Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 569 (9/17/02 10:21:36 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *resurrects the thread for Seth's Fathomed Fear has begun once more* This is an excellent story, my friend. I've caught several biblical references in it so far (and I'm sure I would have caught more if I were Christian), and they seem to be well used. *applauds* Continue the story, please.

Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 631 (4/30/02 5:39:29 pm) Reply Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seth, please finish! I'm guessing that dawn will be the conclusion, and our dear Gentleman of the Pen (that's you, bub!) will be alright, but I want to know how!! (and if I am actually right) You certainly can keep an audience in suspense. Fabuolous job so far. :>)

Lord Seth Exodus Initiate Posts: 131 (9/30/02 12:48:58 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you, Wyvern, for your comments; they are greatly appreciated. I'm glad that you enjoyed my story; your praise is well recieved. I too was rather proud of Eve's death, and that whole scene. And actually, Seth's rejection of Fear's embodiment of Eve was quite within his character. Seth is as loyal a gentleman as you shall ever find in this world, and his devotion to his wife, as you can clearly see, is one of his greatest loyalties. It is, however, surpassed only by his devotion to God, so he gave way from love to faith. Also, if you think of it, once he realized that, he realized that it truly wasn't his wife, and to accept such a thing would be a great dishonor to the true memory of Eve; also, if that was different about her, what else could be, hum? All of this is more of a personal knowledge to me, as I created Seth, so your thoughts are well justified, Wyv; but hopefully this side of Seth will be better known in times to come. I'm also glad you enjoyed the riddle scene. I was afraid, going into it, that it would be seen as a recreation of Tolkien's "Riddles in the Dark" from The Hobbit, which was not my intent at all. I'm relieved that you like it. I do, however, relate to your thoughts on the ending. It really took a twist I had not thought of taking, and it did come out rather abruptly. I may revise it to be something more subtle, but we shall see, I'm still rather fonding of the ending as is. Thank you once again, Wyvern. Any other criticisms that you or anyone else has are welcome. Yours, Lord Seth Exodus Initiate of The Pen

Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 724 (9/28/02 3:40:51 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seth, I just recently took the time to read through "Fathomed Fear" (sorry for the delay in getting to it) and found it very interesting and enjoyable. Here are a few comments: I think that one of the strongest points of the story lies in the dialogue. You word your dialogues between characters very well, and your descriptions of their emotional responses are also excellent. I also like the way you occasionaly personify the elements of nature, such as the description of the moon's flight after the flashback has ended. There were several moments in the story that I found particularly well done, two of my favorites being the scene in which Seth has a riddle competition with fear and the flashback moment where Eve is slain. I found the riddle scene to be very clever in its use of quotations and word play while the scene of Eve's death had emotions running wild. Once again, I thought the dialogues and reactions of characters were particularly well done in these two scenes. Another thing I liked in the story was the characterization of Seth Exodus. I really got a feel for the kind of character Seth is in addition to gaining some knowledge of his past history... Courteous, confident, and faithfull are some of the first adjectives that come to mind... Seth's character is very clearly portrayed throughout the story. I didn't think the flint-lock pistol was out of place in the flashback... as you pointed out, it suites the character of Seth quite well. The ending, on the other hand, I found somewhat awkward... Obviously the themes of faith and righteousness were meant to be portrayed, but I still couldn't help feeling rather shocked when Seth rejected fear's incarnation of Eve due to her not showing devotion to God. Judging from Seth's love for her in his flashbacks, I would have thought that such a thing wouldn't stop him from cherishing her return... Although the themes were made clear, the righteous ending of the story seemed somewhat out of place to me and was my least favorite part of the story. One other thing you could have possibly improved in the story is the characterization of fear. Though he takes the forms of many of Seth's friends and aquaintances, I didn't really feel that he had a sinister personality all to his own. Then again, his fits of temper did show his inner rage... and perhaps fear was meant to be portrayed as a hollow entity in the story... one devoid of soul or any true emotions... Once again, a very interesting and enjoyable read Seth. I look forward to more of your works!

Lord Seth Exodus Initiate Posts: 124 (9/18/02 11:03:10 pm) Reply Re: Fathomed Fear -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, gentlemen, and ladies, if any arrive, I have laid out my story in full now. I would like to know what you love, what you hate, and all comments in general. Your praise, thus far, has been well met, and I greatly appreciate it. I had a few apprehentions about how Seth ended the battle in the flash-back (just to spark something here) does a flint-lock pistol seem too out of place in the story, time line wise and all? I know it suites Seth, but I'm not sure if it fits the time; I could always change it. And I would like some thoughts on the ending. I took it into a far deeper spiritual line than I had thought I might; I like it, but I want your opinions. Those are just some of my question to you; at your leisure. Yours, Lord Seth Exodus Initiate of The Pen