Peredhil

Just thought of another empatheticly strong influence, abet it was movie. Gotcha. Old movie. I had strong identity with the character Jonathon. "There is always a choice." "They're fighting on MY turf now."

sneaks in to listen quietly. "This is powerful work, and well written," He whispers to Wren. "Even more gripping in that its based on true events - her father's story. Wowsers."

this is an interesting poem on the Family Roles. [begin boring lecture] Studies show that families tend to label each person. The strict parent. The go-to parent. The good child. The bad child. the music child. the art child. the screw-up, the alcoholic one. etc etc etc The danger, shown in the studies, is that when a person tries to grow or change their role - the entire rest of the family subconsciously does their level best to force the person back into their role - to maintain the stability. That's why in young people, individual problems require family counseling. Some Bad Boy tries to become good - and is sabotaged. Not maliciously, but it happens none the less. [/end boring lecture] Good work.

First off, I'm really happy to hear that you don't feel like this any more! Cause you captured the way you felt very well in this - enough to silence the feedback from readers, and make most comments seem too banal or trivial to post. I remember a time in my life, many many years ago, when I felt so badly inside, emotionally, that I was mentally feeling disconnected from my body and life. It was as if the intensitiy and magnitude of the emotion were a sound so loud it left me deaf to anything quieter - and all lesser feelings were mute before it. So I felt so much - I was numb. Oxymoron, right? Anyway, I remember poking my leg with a needle, because in some strange internal logic, the phyisical pain put me back in my body and counter-balanced the inner pain. Reading this piece, which captured a mood and feeling so well, brought back the memory of that moment and time. so I'm grateful - that I'm looking back on it. And I applaud the courage of you writing what you'd felt openly buy without hidden pleas, just stating what was. Well done. Hugs -Peredhil

I think I'd make "stain" into "stained" in the first stanza. I like this one, but then, I'm a bit of a dreamer. The past is a shut door indeed, to be remembered and from which we learn, but never revisited. The future unfolds before us, beckoning or intimidating, but coming none-the-less. All we can do is make our plans and then live in the only moment we have - Now. Great job. -Peredhil

Hmm, I somehow missed this before. Nice meter when I read it in my mind. I think tears are an important, their flow can be the lancing of the dark inner wound that allows healing to begin.

Unfinished stuff IS allowed. In one of the member areas you can't see, there is a Writer's Workshop devoted just to such works. I think that when you first have the idea, the most important thing is to retain it on paper or in the computer before it is choked by the distractions of the world. then you can revisit it when you will, and rework, revise, and rewrite. In reading literary biographies, some of the great works of art have started as doodles or a brief idea jotted on a piece of scrap paper. Oh! Welcome to the Pen by the way. -Peredhil

hugs That's intense. I'm not sure what feedback to give, cause I'm still absorbing it. given my love/hate relationship to my own writings, I resonated to this stanza though: Wish I had more to say, but I wanted to let you know I'm reading and I care enough to admit I'm stunned. Hugs again

Wow Yabden... I didn't know you had such words in you. Good job! I look forward to reading more.

Hmm. I'm against it personally. Too many excellent writers are adept at using their words to shield their emotions. Raging inside emotionally, they present a cool iron control to the world, and oh so reasonable fillet the other person. The hidden anger stains their words like crimson to me. But then, I'm overly sensitive to words in some ways. Perhaps in IRC, or in PMs or something. But intellectually discussing emotionally based unprovable paradigms usually is a unproductive pursuit. Opinions, generalities, quotes, and obnoxious innuendo. Bleh. I'd rather be in a place that nurtures and protects. There are many other sites that find combat threads fun. As you can tell - I'm emotional on this subject. Hugs everyone and saunters away

Peredhil notes as an aside reply to Falcon (good job by the way (*hugs*)) that he thought in a written-freestyle thread like this, that spending longer than 5 seconds on a line, and an overall 5 minutes on a post was cheating. But then, I'm the first to admit I'm not a hep cat on the culture rap.

That Mr. Bunny! No wonder he's a Bard! I could try a hundred days and not equal the tight eloquence of his "...", too hard! When he followed with "..." I nearly fell off my chair! How could any rap after him? I'd be filled with dispair. Mr. Bunny, Bard of Terra lost in the past Spinning and scratch and freestyling so fast What a singer! What a speaker! How can he be so cool? Music and words, chants and rhymes are obviously his tool. Wow!

Cheers. Go Lumpy go! I liked it.

syllable count. In the Belgariad by Eddings, there is a scene where one of the most powerful intuitive mages tries to learn to bring his magic under conscious, and therefore more consistent control - and finds out how hard it is. Syllable counting is a technique I use, and it can be useful. It show a certain type of pattern and rhythm in the poetry or prose, for those who aren't as inately sensitive to patterns. It brings into conscious mind a basic awareness - so that you can choose when to break the rules. Breaking the rules in poetry can give drama and power - but you want to know you're doing it. As someone who does write most of his works intuitively, just off-the-cuff, I'm rediscovering the basics of writing. Cyril has inspired me to relearn the conscious techniques by taking the time to critique one of my works. I'm just trying to apply it to Deadly Nightshade's piece 'cause 1) I learn best when I'm teaching someone (or think I am), and 2) She has a real and definite talent in my opinion, but its seems erratic. heh. We've hijacked your thread, Hun. Hands the thread back to Deadly Nightshade. Good work!

Oooh. This makes me want to play D&D. Or Prince of Persia. Or something. What a neat dungeon description! It's great you can fill it with such ominous death - without making it tradionally dank and skellies every where. And the ironic twist at the ending... You always leave me wanting answers, don't you? Ham it up, porkchop... ham it up! Some day I'll write something good enough YOU'LL want an answer! Muahahaha! sighs Of course, I'd give it to you if you asked nicely. -P

And here I thought your inner turmoil were thoughts fighting like catechisms and dogmas...

Wow you all are far too grand for me I can only talk about others Politely Your freestyle rapping is totally hip But this Half-Elven Ancient's too old for the trip. Ashton has dazzled and started the show Edited for spelling to educate the slow Aleaha continued and showed such good stuff All fire and courage while talking so rough Then Wyvernmatic jumped in and started to spin I thought that I'd seen nearly everything then But Aleaha came back from her buffing quite strong Will Ash' or Wyvie reply, or Newcomer join throng This Polite old Bard has nothing but praise His voice in admiration he only can raise He can't trash talk or be mean to save pride or life He dispenses his platitude, hugs all to amelorate the strife My small rant of gratitude is goin' out to you 'Cause more words will come before this thread is through So now I'll creak back into shadows and watch Least my lame tongue y'all's freestyling flow will botch. The Oldster retreats to his chair with a sigh of delight to see all the Youngsters come in and try to entertain the Pen and all of her Guests By slingin' words together in vieing for best.

I agree. The finished product is great and I hope you bask in my admiration... but seeing how another poet thinking and revises helps me to grow too - and that's even better. Thank you once again.

Commentary thread in Critic's Corner here

Laughs long and hard. I love your freestyle ranting replies. I'm reading you five by five.

I am your greatest fear (5) Your nightmare (3) I torture you in your dreams (7) Every night you wake up screaming ( While I laugh at your pain (6) I am why you wake in a cold sweat (9) And still I will continue (7) To haunt your mine (4) (mine== mind) Tear at your vary being (7) (vary == very) Why? (1) Because I am The Nightmare (7) Thoughts... just brainstorming. Your Nightmare... The Nightmare... I don't get a feeling of transition between the two. I did the syllable count, but with a nightmare, it maybe should be disjointed. You have a lot of seven syllable lines, maybe you could make them a base and alternate with syllable chops on the other lines. 3, 7, 9, 7, 4, 7, 8, 7 .... I like the way you involve the different senses. screaming. sweat. pain. Maybe more specific? Visions for sight. nasty rotten smells? you end with the mind leading to the core being of the individual, that's a nice draw together. Hmmm. Maybe that's one thing - are you writing to an individual, or to humanity? could be worked effectively either way. I really think you have the core of something good here. There's a raw power, and nightmares strike a common chord. On a different note, I happen to enjoy even my nightmares. For years, I'd work the more vivid ones into my FARS campaigns. Insert evil laugh here I look forward to seeing where you go with this, now that you've made it real getting it out where you can see it. If you do a rewrite - repost! So we can compare, okay? -Peredhil

Interesting. I find that if I can impose structure on my life, make some things routine, it frees me to go higher and further in other areas. You've got the five syllables in each line. Now's the time to read it outloud. look for hard and soft syllables and try to balance them. You might also try varying off the 5 all the way through.

The Poem of Dorian Gray! More seriously, I think a lot of people go to great lengths to avoid exposing their inner wounds to the world. Sometimes letting in the light is the only way you can heal.

That was really well written. I had neato visuals off of it. I can only assume part two, the Derelict's Revenge, is coming? It's nice to read something not Fantasy, that's well written, at the Pen.

Considers this post in light of his experience with the guild, The Polite Magi... I guess one lavalamp can't fit EVERYONE! Good post.