The Portrait of Zool

Hi E.S.M.! Great story! I really enjoyed reading it. It was interesting, and left me wanting to know more! Your profile says you want critical feedback, so I hope you don't mind... First I would like to make some suggestions on general editing and formatting. I think rereading it a couple of times before you post would have caught the few misplaced words, verb tense, and punctuation errors. Also, I think it would be much easier to read if it wasn't just a couple big blocks of text. Generally we separate paragraphs with a double space, which helps to break it up and make it a bit easier to read online. I think the general plot so far was great, and I really liked the characterization, but there were a few spots that gave me pause. For example, you describe Leeland as a 'Sam Spade Gumshoe', but you describe him as having long hair and a goatee, and his office as being imposing and having a lot of books, even vintage tomes - none of which actually sounds like Sam Spade. I like detail in a story, but everything in a story must serve the story somehow, whether by setting tone or actually advancing the plot. Unfortunately, some details are given repetitiously, such as the location New Orleans, which then just comes across as cluttering. The ending is a real cliffhanger, leaving lots of questions the reader wants to know, such as: What was the source of the strange wounds on Lizzie's face? Why did Lizzie decide to move to New Orleans? What is behind Leeland's intense emotions towards Lizzie? And others... Overall, very good work - keep at it!

It's mad - MAD I tell you! MADNESS! It is indeed broken - it is not an easy read - but that's a great fit with the subject and drama, and agrees with and helps the overall tone. I like it.

Now THAT is FUNNY!

The waitress beat a quick retreat under Wyvern's lecherous glare. Approaching a small high window she handed the order in. "Cheese mound, fry round, cheese dudes, and a squirt. Better make it crispy, this one's almost a dragon." "Gotcha," came the reply, but all that could be seen through the relatively small and high opening were shadows through a smoky red glare. The order quickly made it's way into the dark bowels of the kitchen, handed from one frenetic lizard man to another, each in the natural motion of his particular task. After a dozen such hand offs, taking less than ten seconds, the order was in front of the cook proper, with the accompanying verbal instructions. Fires raged. Pots hissed. Pans clanged. Meat hit the massive grill as potatoes and doodles splashed into the oil at the same time Bessy's handler cracked his whip. A tremendous rumble shook the kitchen as Bessy let loose - the lone Red Dragon employee of the Pen kitchen. Heat seemed to pour from the walls themselves, and the air carried a thick acrid smoke . Spots close to the flame ducting of every oven and range glowed a hellish red. "AAARRRRGH!!!" shouted the head cook, who had previously served on the Black Pearl, as he pivoted on his peg leg and twirled his spatula like a cutlass. He threw a handful of cheese on each pattie, burying it under sizzling cheesiness. The narrative beasts in the stable behind the kitchen mooed tragically. They were invited to dinner - and it would be their last meal. An ogre sat in a far off corner frustratedly trying to curl the doodles - but they were slippery and spry, and his fingers were rather thick. "Damn dese doodles..." he was heard to mutter repeatedly. Fortunately, he had a good sized bowl already finished, having maintained his position for years... The muse was at the condiments table, slicing, slathering, spreading, stacking. "So many hands, so few orders these days," she said, looking up reminiscently... Sparks flew. Smoke poured. Dedicated sous chef's gave their lives in the line of duty. With machinelike precision the grub was built up and carried forward. "Order up!" shouted the last Lizard man in the delivery chain as the plates showed up back at the window. The barmaid hefted them up and carried them out. Wyvern's eyes grew large at the sight of the approaching steaming meal, and he dripped a telltale stream of sooty spittle."Yesss!" he exclaimed, unable to control himself. "Wait!" he said with alarm, once the food was in front of him. "What's this?" He pointed with a claw at a an odd shaped item on the edge of each plate. "A... a fortune cookie?" "Yeah - compliments of the Cabaret Cafe*". She turned and left before Wyv could ogle her cleavage any longer, much to his disappointment. Deciding to jump on what pleasures life did offer, he quickly cracked open the fortune cookie. It said: Watch the news that IS news - Wyvern's Almost Report! (See it on the Walls of the Pen.) *There are many cafes and bars where one could eat in the Pen, but most were served by a single massive hellish kitchen, powered by a Red Dragon and run by a Pirate.

*Checks out the link* The school sounds awesome Rev... Congratulations indeed! Sounds like you & me & Wyvern are going to have to go on some outings...

Excellent Master P - always the Artful Codger!

Yes, congrats Sal! Personally, I think the slowdown is endemic. The verbose contributors of internet forums who used to have post counts in the thousands and could be counted on for a word or two at any activity have for the most part made their own blogs, where they can speak ad nauseum. All over, it seems people have become disillusioned with internet forums, and have been abandoning them in droves. You can find a forum on just about any subject imaginable - but a live forum, with the kind of activity that had been known in years past, seems pretty rare these days. In short, I think the internet forum craze was a kind of, well, craze or fad - a fad whose prime time has passed. It was the next newest thing - but now you have facebook and myspace, where people go to meet essentially with their own pages, not just words. Now, unless someone has a real interest in something, they tend to move on from the forums. That said - I'm glad to see you all here.

Good luck with the apps!

LOL! That reminds me of a certain web site name some years ago. Thanks Patrick.

Maybe one of these? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Free...aphics_software

"...via enforcing a more spontaneous and liberal approach to character RPing..." Thanks for the chuckle Wyv. Will reply later...

So - how long do you have left?? Ask around about the sigs on IRC - there is usually someone around who can help you out. I can see it now - an enormous frying pan and the words "Bearer of deep pockets".

I will probably have family over then, but I'll see what I can do.

About the only thing I have read lately but which I REALLY enjoyed was 'Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West', By Gregory Maguire. HIGHLY recommended.

P.S. And, yeah, by all means keep it clean! Wouldn't want another remake of that heart pounding Submariner movie classic 'Deep Seamen'.

How cool is that - the North pole, I mean. Hope your traveling goes well. REALLY looking forward to when you can return to write a few fun posts!

I agreed with you on this, because for the older members it only reflects when this site opened (The Pen has had several URL/site incarnations). I am certainly happy to abide by the general vote - I guess I could just edit it to reflect my real join date.

Okay, I just have to say, 'like', that's quite a picture!

Zool stood motionless for a moment as the smoke cleared. Gone were the troublesome cobwebs and theatrical dust. In it's place was soot - a lot of soot - and a single candle-like flame at the top of his Flamboyant toupee. Without a word, he reached up and snuffed the flame. Then he gave a single long hacking cough, belching a great cloud of thick black soot that turned his entire portrait black. When that began to clear he could be seen busily brushing and wiping himself off. "Grimmael!" he called matter-of-factly, "Need a re-fresh on the cobwebs..." Having waited patiently long enough Peredhil cleared his throat gently to punch through Zool's customary obliviousness to anything outside of his frame. Zool looked up to see his long time friend. "Oh my! Is that... Master P! I'm so glad you made it! My goodness, WHERE did you get that outfit?? You look AWESOME! Please, don't kill me."

I would enjoy participating, having a booth - organization is NOT my strong point.

Hmm... I'm tempted to say the world of Xanth - oh yes, I was addicted! It would be interesting, that's for sure, living in a world of magic. I think it would be even more interesting to live in the world of Robert Heinlein. Any of his books - Stranger in a Strange Land, Methuselah's Children, Time Enough For Love - all occurred in the same universe AND in his book Number of the Beast he actually had a device invented that could go to ANY fictional universe - how do you beat that! FOr example, in the same book, he actually had his characters visit the land of Oz...

Heh! I never could do Blitz - far too fast for my glacial gray matter. Oh, I tried, but S2 (Yes! That's what it was. )was a much better fit. Did you go by reverie then too? It's too bad you never hooked up with the original Pen guild - it sounds like we could have used you! Yes - it was the same Gyrfalcon! Perhaps after we do the regional Pen meets, we could somehow brainstorm a national one.

Okay, that's just silly! The summers are almost always slow at the Pen. The holidays are also traditionally slow, but the winter and cold weather in general, all the way until the spring turns to summer, is usually very good for Pen activity. I think it was last May that I predicted I wouldn't be able to participate much until Spetember - and I was very close. I look forward to collaborating with you and your muse in any traditional or new events that come to your creative mind! Hmmm! Where abouts in Cali? Wyvern and I are in center-state, perhaps we could come up with a place close to everybody?

OMG! You remember the pre-UBB AM board!? I frequented the 'server' BH, but I think we musta known a lot of the same people. Yeah, we're waaay old. I was thinking of at least a west coast Pen get-together - but I'm not sure who that would be exactly...

I voted. I definitely would like to keep Group, Posts, and Guild Image. Everything else is either extraneous or even inaccurate, such as Join Date and member number. If someone wants to know where you are from I think that is the kind of info that probably belongs in your Bio anyway. Warn level? Never used it, never seen it used. I think the best default would be for Gentle Feedback, simply as a 'set-it-and-forget-it' choice for general public board tone.