Wyvern

Jagged waves of static flash across the broadcasting screen before the tilted image of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ flickers into focus. Though it’s difficult to tell which part of the quarters the cameras rest in, the sideways slant of the lenses and clear shot of the floor suggest a lack of troglyodytes on hand to man it. The news cameras rattle after a five minute wait, however, and turn in the direction of CheerMynx’s four-poster. Wyvern sits in his regular spot at the edge of the cheerline’s bed, with several memos tagged to his horns and list of the Report’s weekly spendings clutched in one of his claws. The overgrown lizard adjusts the mish-mash of leftover outfits from previous reports that cover his scales, with the shrunken barber’s bib adding very little to his beach shorts and Rod Sterling suit top. He straightens his crooked geld-design tie and sets his spending sheet aside, glancing up at the ceiling nervously before turning his eyes towards the cameras. Wyvern doesn’t speak, glancing around the room for several minutes before finally clearing his throat. “Ssso uhhh, are you gonna gimme a cue or…?” Wyvern pauses as a troglyodyte scampers onto the screen, whispers something, then scampers back off. The reptilian reporter twists his snout and raises a claw to one of his horns. “Right. W-wait, ssso we’re rolling then? Yeesh, hiya folks.” Wyvern strikes a nervous grin and waves a claw timidly at the cameras. “Anyway ummm, so, Almost Report time. Like always. Yyyup.” Wyvern twiddles his claws and taps his tail stinger on the edge of CheerMynx’s mattress. “So errrr, to save geld we sorta did this thing where we’re reporting, except we don’t really have a script y’know? So we sorta, uh, jussst improvise instead. I guess.” Wyvern reaches into the front pocket of his suit and removes an ash-covered handkerchief before pulling out a scrap of paper labeled “Nooz Itemz.” He reads over the various items for several minutes in silence, then smooths down the scales on the top of his head and hisses softly. “So, um, well let’sss see here. I guess that we can start things off with the birthdays. I mean, why not right?” Wyvern flashes an extra-toothy smile at the cameras to save face, then lifts the note to his snout again. “So according to this lissst of news items, http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?act=...mp;m=12&d=6</a>'>lumpenproletariat and drummondo both had birthdays… last week it looks like, yep. Anyway, y’know, just wanna send some, well… not gifts, cus ummm we’re low on geld, but best wishes maybe? Yeah, that soundsss good. So best wishes, you two!” Wyvern claps his claws together, then lifts himself up from the bed and turns to pace back and forth through CheerMynx’s quarters while thinking of something to say. The overgrown lizard’s tail swings back and forth from out the large hole in the back of his beach shorts, which reveals more scales than most would deem necessary. “Errr, so we got some other news stuff here, or reminders at least I think. I see ‘XL Wolf,’ ‘first poetry line,’ and ‘redef’ all sssscribbled here but am not sssure if I remember what they stand for. I think the poetry one was maybe something about a line which you stand in to read poetry? And then you can pay a geld fine to Almost Dragonic Inc. if you want to avoid the line or something? Sounds about right.” Wyvern stops pacing and flips the news scrap around, snorting as he comes up short of any other news items and spreading his wings for a moment. “Well, I guess that about sums it up. I mean, I didn’t miss anything much right?” Wyvern stares into the news camera lenses in the hopes of a response. “All thingssss considered, I think this geld-saving non-scripted report thing worked out pretty well in the end. Don’t ya think?” “But Wyvern, aren’t most of our Reports unscripted?” “SSSHHHH!” Wyvern glares at the troglyodyte that had spoken up and raises a claw to his snout. He approaches the troglyodyte and hisses in a hushed and furious tone. “Don’t go and ruin one of our few ssscripted Reports you moron! Aren’t you sssupposed to be off delivering CheerMynx her linesss anyway?” Wyvern tears at the scales on his head for a moment, then flashes his teeth at the cameras as the troglyodyte he had spoken to scurries off. The reptilian reporter then sets back to pacing near CheerMynx’s bed, praying that his poor choice of shorts will survive the stretching that will inevitably occur in CheerMynx's half of the show...

“Ssssss-sss-sure, uhh, l-lemme see’em.” Wyvern flicked a few stray photos from his tail and attempted to peek into the bag where CheerMynx was digging, only to accidentally gape at the red trimming surrounding the Almost Intern’s cleavage instead. Not that the reptilian reporter was complaining. “U-guuuhhhh. I mean… stillsss any promotional good are?” Wyvern’s eyes shrunk a bit at the sight of the professional modeling dossier that made its way into CheerMynx’s paws, which bore the signature of the ultra-expensive and prestigious Ciao Bella modeling agency. The spending-sized lump in the overgrown lizard’s throat lessened when he noticed that the folder featured sub-section dividers arranged by pose, and he let his forked tongue flick in and out at the thought of thoroughly examining its contents. “Uhm, m-m-may I?” Wyvern took the folder without waiting for a response and began flipping through it in as nonchalant a manner as possible, which still bordered on giddy-child-during-Christmas-morning excited. CheerMynx clapped her paws together and giggled over Wyvern’s increasingly transfixed reactions, then brushed down some wrinkles in her dress and purred. “So you like’em?” Wyvern slowly tilted his head and raised a brow as he raised one of the photos from the promotional collection at an angle to make the most of the details. He nodded in slow, visible nods. “Awesome! I’ll totally, like, order high quality prints for the whole collection then!” Wyvern snapped the folder shut as he realized the costs that such an operation would entail, and collapsed into a pile of photos of himself collapsed in heaps on the ground.

A few nights ago, I went and saw the Needle Exchange Tour featuring Existereo, Rec League, Mestizo, Cadillac Ron and the Bottomfeeders at Club 6 in San Francisco. I would have written about it earlier, but my laptop was down and I wanted to make sure to share a few pics in here as well. I learned about this show about 12 hours before the event took place, possibly because it was announced the night before the San Francisco date that the tour kicked off on. Not a good sign for promotion, which was sure enough lacking and drew a tiny crowd of about 13 or so. It was actually one of the deadest and most annoying crowds I've witnessed to date... I was literally the only one cheering and jumping around at times, which is a shame because a number of the performers gave it their all. A crew I hadn't heard of before called the Bottomfeeders were the first act to perform. I can't remember the names of the three MCs or the DJ, but they hailed from Minneapolis and I noticed that their CDs featured some production credits from the producers of Doomtree, which is always a good sign. Their set was not bad, with each MC delivering some good verses. One of the rappers stood out more than the others to the rhythmic cadences and double-time rhymes he kicked, but the other two had some good moments as well. It wasn't a set that really bowled me over and I did start to get slightly restless near the end, but they certainly weren't bad and it was a nice way to kick off the evening's line-up. Cadalak Ron, another MC I hadn't heard of, took the stage next and put on a pretty decent straightforward set. His music was a lot more calm and low key than the Bottomfeeders, and he didn't really have the energetic stage presence of the opening act. Still, his rhymes seemed pretty good with some gritty lyrics and topics, plus the dark beats that he rocked over were not half bad. His set definitely went on for a bit too long though, and his DJ seemed a bit amateur-ish when it came to the scratches. The set didn't really win me over on Cadalak Ron's material, but I'd definitely seen a lot worse. Mestizo came on next, and was one of the main acts I came to see. I'm a fan of his material and hadn't seen him live in a long while, so it was nice to see him perform again. He came out with a brand new track over a beat by the talented Thavius Beck, and I was sorta geeked to learn that Mestizo and Thavius are collaborating. It sounded like a very strong track, with Mestizo flowing just as well over Thavius's electro-vibes as his usual smoothed out California beats. He also played a bunch of his more recognizable material, and brought out the super-talented Denizen Kane as a surprise guest to do a few tracks as well. They kicked a bunch of their verses back and forth and freestyled over some improvised beats. Very good set. Rec League, a group consisting of Richie Cunning, Rob Rush, and another MC whose name slips my mind, were the next to kick some rhymes. I hadn't really heard of them before aside from Richie Cunning's solo material, but they blew my wig back with a really excellent set that may have been somewhat of a show-stealer. My pics of their set are sparse due to the amount of dancing that their performance invoked, but they had even the dead crowd getting a bit amped and yelling along. The great thing about the Rec League's material is that their tracks basically consisted of one party anthem after another, as if all of the material they recorded was specifically oriented towards having a fun time at a live show. These guys also had a huge amount of energy on stage, and busted out some amazing dance moves and other humorous antics that captivated the crowd. Excellent set, color me impressed and a new Rec League fan. After Rec League finished tearing the house down, Existereo closed the evening out with a trademark set of his mindboggling stylistic raps. Exist was another reason I decided to get out to the show on such short notice, as he's never disappointed me with his high-speed rapping antics live. This guy is fully versed in the art of flipping styles to impressive effect, rhyming a thousand syllables a minute only to switch to singing only to switch to a punk rock screaming fest. Mestizo also came out during Existereo's set and the two of them traded skillful verses and freestyled quite a bit. Quality performance, good show. Existereo doesn't get nearly as much shine as he deserves... and neither does Rec League, apparently.

The news cameras flicker on to a static image of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which has obviously been photographed using some cheap disposable camera (possibly of the Almost Dragonic Brand variety). The image is so poorly montaged that part of Wyvern’s claw is visible on the lower left-hand corner of the screen, bending the edge of one of CheerMynx’s fancy wardrobe closets. The picture is shoved further into the camera lens before Wyvern begins hissing in an uncertain tone in the background. “Greetingssss, and welcome to another episssode of the Almost Report’sss monetary misfortunesss.” The camera screen blacks out for a moment, only to return to the image of Wyvern scavenging the floor for a picture that he’d dropped. The camera blacks out again before flickering back into focus on a static picture of Wyvern pulling out his empty pants pockets with a frown. The overgrown lizard’s shirt pockets also appear to be inside-out, along with his pouch pockets, his sock pockets and… his zipper pocket. “In an effort to save geld spent on camera production, we’ve decided to introduce the latessst in Almost Dragonic Brand technology. Almost Dragonic Brand Stop Motion News Inertia,™ a bold new approach to almost reporting that hasss absolutely nothing to do with the Almost Report Paints an Imperfect Picture of the Pen (10/22/07) or the Almost Report: a Photogenic Alternative to Actual News (2/25/08). *Ahem!*” The cameras black out again, only to refocus just as Wyvern lifts up a collage of several pictures of himself doing lewd poses and taking pictures of them in the mirror. Fortunately for most viewers, many of the photos are too blurry to really make out the details. “Yesss, it’s a brave new Almossst Report and we’re ready to open new windowsss in the advancement of news and geld sssaving methods… and hopefully win some sort of genius grant in the process.” A new a photo of Wyvern wearing a blood-stained lab coat and conducting news tests on cute and innocent kittens replaces the previous picture. “Ssspeaking of windowsss, be sure to check out the new open window exercise available in the Cabaret Room. I guess that windows really are more than just an entrance to the Recruiter’s Office these days.” The cameras black out again before the picture is replaced with a picture of Ahadrian Karios super-imposed over a drawing of a werewolf surrounded by dead animal carcasses, most of them former cute and innocent kittens. “In further newsss, Werewolf XL: Back to Basics starring Ahadrian Karios as the werewolf isss now officially under way.” A claw nudges its way into the camera lens and points in the direction of Ahadrian’s face. “Tbat’sss right, Ahadrian as the werewolf. You heard the rumor here firssst, only on the Almost Report.” The cut-and-paste photo job is flipped over to reveal a picture of Wyvern holding an Almost Dragonic Brand Orc Beginner-Level Alphabet Chart,™ which has been inscribed on a piece of un-used copper plate armor. The reptilian Elder is depicted pointing at the letter Z in the photo, using a crow feather to pinpoint its location between the letters D and S on the chart. “To wrap up our newsss segment, the Almost Report would like to take a moment to send a belated happy birthday out to Zariah, who celebrated lassst week.” A claw extends over the photo with a quill and begins doodling in little birthday decorations around the Z letter. “In addition to being a bird of a different feather, she’sss one o’the few pennites with a Wyvern concert experience under her belt. Here’ssss hopin’ you had a great one Zariah.” The cameras go dark again, then light up over a photo of what appears to be one of CheerMynx’s dressing room closets with the edge of Wyvern’s tail sticking out one of its doors. “W-w-w-wait, n-not that photo let’ssss ussse another photo.” Wyvern quickly swaps the photos, only to exchange it for one of him gaping at a photo of CheerMynx with his tongue hanging loose. “W-w-wait, w-wait not thisss one eith- … well… OK.”

Wyvern's thoughts wandered from Mynx's additional card to CheerMynx's additional curves to Mynx's source of funds to CheerMynx's source of fun to Mynx's plastic advantage to CheerMynx's... non-plastic advantages. The overgrown lizard shook the dancing felines from his head for a moment and stared into his plate of pink marshmellow candy yams, brooding over the new potential source of income while desperately trying to keep his eyes away from the tighter regions of CheerMynx's Thanksgiving dress. The movements of the cheerline as she breezed through her words didn't help Wyvern's concentration one bit. "So like, I totally think that the cameras could do like a CheerMynx shopping hour and then there'd totally be more time for the script! Don't you think Wyv?" Wyvern nodded absent-mindedly and poked at his food, only to suddenly start shaking his head vigurously as he realized what the cheerline was saying. "Uhhh l-l-l-lisssten Cheermynxy, a-about the f-f-fund and the sh-shopping ssstuff. I uhhhmm, well I really really-" "Like it?! I know, isn't it awesome?" CheerMynx giggled and traced her paws down the sides of her dress to accentuate it, causing Wyvern to swoon and nod dumbly. "Don't worry, there's plenty more new clothes where that came from." Wyvern raised a claw to speak about the budget, only to find himself once again a bit tongue-tied over the Almost Intern's finesse. CheerMynx the woman pioneer was like a map of America itself, with her own northern and southern American landmarks... not to mention current economic crisis. Wyvern tipped his turkey hat further over his horns in the hopes of hiding his googly eyes from CheerMynx's line of sight, then grabbed a napkin with a picture of a turkey feather pompom on it and quickly went about scribbling a note. "Dear Minx, Halp, pls snd geld. Luv, Wyvvirn." Now, if only he could make it to Mynx's weapon drawer...

Yikes, a very bleak and strongly worded poem cryptomancer. I think the choice of words and tone throughout it really convey a sense of desolation well, and it's rendered all the more sad by the notion that the protagonist of the poem was doing his best to reach out and still ended up this way. The repeated "It is cold here now" mantra was well-incorporated as well. Anyway, I hope that you're doing well personally... just let me/us know if you're really down and out so we can at least try and cheer you up. Thanks for sharing this here. And if it does happen to be a personal poem, I wanna re-light the candle with a blowtorch.

Wyvern snorts as he gulps the last contents of his Bruteweiser canister over in his little Cabaret corner, chugging it down feverishly and letting some of the beverage trickle down the sides of his scaly cheeks. The overgrown lizard turns and belches a few flames out of harm's way (though not property damage's way), then shakes his head at the various pennites and guffaws. "Naw naw naw, you folksss've got it all wrong." Wyvern hobbles his way past Vigil and Peredhil, and almost gets his tail stinger caught on the corner of Harmony's flowing dress as he halts next to Savage Dragon. "Lisssshten, Sssshavage, there'sh only one proper way to end this shtory and you know it! Thankfully, I've taken the liberty to write it here for ya." Wyvern hands Savage Dragon an extremely messy beer napkin loaded with words scrawled in a messy almost dragonic hand. A few "Decipher Caligraphy" and "Amend Grammar" spells later, and the document becomes clear enough for Savage Dragon to read. "... I stared back at him, and kindly told him 'Sorry. While I respect your feelings, I don't swing that way.' To which he replied 'You cad! I challenge you to a duel!' and slapped me. Fortunately, he slapped me with a white gentlemen's glove he happened to be carrying rather than his hand, which would have surely caused emotional devastation upon impact. Heck, even a raised middle finger on his part could have probably evoked enough anger to burst a blood vessel. But no, just a pathetic flimsy glove on his part. Well, I responded to his action as any sensible man looking to maintain their pride would, and slapped him back with an Almost Dragonic Brand Spiked Iron Gentlemen's Glove™. As he fell to the ground wailing, I yelled at the top of my lungs 'who's communicating with their hands now?! Huh?!? Who's the man?!' I couldn't understand what he said through the whimpers, but I'm pretty sure he acknowledged my superiority at that point. That's why I never leave home without my Almost Dragonic Brand Spiked Iron Gentlemen's Glove™ - it's splendifiriticulous fantabuloquacious. Oh yeah, and I severed the guy's hand and sold it for a kajillion geld and lived happily ever after. Th'end."

A sad kazoo medley begins playing in the background as the words “Almost Report” appear in text over a green background, followed by a range of dates similar to what one might find on the head of a tombstone. The kazoo continues whining away as the green background and text fade away to reveal what appears to be the old Almost Report HQ, prior to the dynamite blast that had wrecked it and the invasions of pennite quarters that ensued. The camera pans across the messy and cramped little broadcasting space that marked the Report’s origins until it reaches an unfamiliar green reclining chair, the back of which is turned to the screen. A fireplace crackles away in a little news box on the upper right-hand corner of the screen, not actually in the room but giving the setting a tiny bit more atmosphere. The chair slowly turns to reveal an ever-so-slightly younger Wyvern, who is dressed in a red smoking jacket with a “W” insignia scratched into the frontal breast area. The overgrown lizard gnaws on a chocolate pipe between his teeth, but sets on his lap as he faces the cameras. “Greetingssss, I’m Wyvern Q. Almostdragon, hossst of the Almost Report.” Wyvern cocks a claw back at the “W” insignia on his jacket to add a bit of machismo to the statement, then clears his throat and gets back into a slightly more somber mood. “Well, former host… If you’re watching this video, I’m afraid that the Almost Report has come to an end.” The kazoo continues playing in the background as Wyvern reaches into a pocket of his sweat pants and pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper. He clears his throat as he unfolds the paper in front of his snout, and re-reads it in silence for a moment. “Yesss, I’m afraid that the Almost Report is no more. This video is intended to be broadcast in case the Almost Report can no longer remain on the air and needs to be discontinued.” Wyvern reaches for the chocolate pipe and turns it in his claws. “While it’s impossible to look into the future and predict the cause of the Report’sss demise, I’d be willing to bet it has something to do with a certain Bob Suloberrin and his rival report… conniving bassstard. Anyway, here’sss hoping it was fun while it lasted. I wonder if we ever managed to hire an Almost Intern? Yeah right!” Wyvern sighs and lifts himself from his seat, looking over his crumpled close-out speech once more and snorting. The position of the broadcasted news box fireplace makes it appear as though the reptilian reporter’s head is on fire. “Of courssse, our resssignation wouldn’t be complete without a list of people to thank, so I’d jussst like to take a moment to send my deepessst regards out to…” Wyvern’s hiss trails off as he stares at the document, his scaly features darkening and growing more and more angry. The overgrown lizard storms up to the camera and turns his “Thank You” list around so that the audience can clearly see it, revealing the word “NOBODY” written in bright red ink. “Nobody! That’ssss right, nobody!” Wyvern scowls at the camera and points an accusatory claw, almost scratching the lens. “The Almossst Report is gone! And it’sss all your fau-“ Wyvern’s heated hisses are cut off as the image is suddenly reduced to static, only to be replaced by another image of a more up-to-date Wyvern, who is still dressed in last week’s shrunken barber’s bib due to budgetary restraints. The overgrown lizard taps the camera lens while holding the camera with his other claw, then sticks his snout into it and hisses: “Thissss just in: the Almost Report will be able to continue its broadcastingsss, thanks to the ratingsss of last week’sss Report. I guess that goblin and troll crowds alike enjoyed all the melodrama that transsspired in it.” Wyvern hisses a sigh of relief mixed with anxiety, then brushes the sweat from his scales. “We’re currently on a bit of a shoessstring budget, but are about to make our way over to Appy and Aurora’s quarters to wish the two ladiessss a belated Happy Birthday. And probably beg for money while we’re at it as well.” Wyvern mutters something to a figure off-screen, then begins moving forward with the camera still extended in front of him. “In other news, hunting mavens shouldn’t forget to sign up for the latessst in the prestigious Werewolf seriesss, Werewolf XL. The sssign-up should be available for another week or so for any who are interesssted.” Wyvern swerves around a corner and pauses at a couch stationed in the Cabaret Room. “The thematic subtitle of the event is ‘Back to Basics,’ which isss probably a motto we’re going to have to follow on this Report for a while as well.” Wyvern collapses onto the Cabaret couch to rest for a bit, tilting his neck back over the edge of one of its arms in exhaustion. He lets his forked tongue hang loose as his tail sways back and forth idly on the side. “I guessss we’ll need to make another in-case-of-emergency-cancelation video at some point, when our geld allowsss for it.” Wyvern’s weary voice is accentuated by the crooked slant of his wings. “I meant everything I sssaid in that video, by the way.” A few minutes pass in silence before a troglyodyte steps into the scene and whispers something into Wyvern’s ear. The troglyodyte then turns and scurries off-camera while Wyvern suddenly jerks up from his reclining position. “Errrr, excccept the bit about not thanking anybody of coursssse.” Wyvern strikes an extra nervous grin and twiddles his claws. “We appreciate ALL our viewersss. Eh heh heh heh. Heh.”

Last night, I went and saw the Happy Holidays Tour starring Mac Lethal, Grieves, Soulcrate Music, and Approach at the Elbo Room in San Francisco. I was excited about the show since this line-up of artists has proven to be a good show in the past, plus the various performers had a truckload of new merch for sale that I was interested in picking up. The Elbo Room was actually quite crowded and the audience was surprisingly enthusiastic for the show, though there were a few people who were perhaps a little too enthusiastic and tried to jump on stage and hog the spotlight as the acts performed.. Not a good look, fellas. Approach and his rapping partner P Smooth (a.k.a Smooth Confusion) were the first to hit to stage, and kicked things off the right way with an excellent set of high energy club tracks. The last time I saw these guys open for Mac Lethal they were sort of stole the show, and they were equally impressive this time around. Approach really gives it his all when he performers, racing around the stage and through the crowd while performing some very impressive verbal gymnastics. P Smooth is an excellent rapper as well, with a great voice and calculated flow. Combine these elements with the Approach's choice of club-oriented beats, and you really can't lose in a live setting. One highlight of his set was a new track they performed over a beat by Mac Lethal, which was also definitely aimed at a live show with a pounding bassline and catchy hook. Great set, these guys put on an awesome live show. Soulcrate Music came out next, and were the one act that I hadn't seen live before in the line-up. Hailing from the unlikely region of Sioux, South Dakota, Attn:def and Dirt Dee put on a very impressive set of upbeat tracks that got the audience amped and involved. Their music worked very well live, with plenty of chant-along hooks and impressive rhyme schemes to get the crowd rowdy to. Some highlights of their set were the track "Rap Music From the Middle of Nowhere" and a verse that Dirt Dee kicked which he repeated at progressively faster speeds. Another great set. Grieves came out next, with his new producer Budo behind the boards as well as various live instruments that included a keyboard, a trumpet, an electric guitar and a tambourine. The new music that they're putting out definitely seems interesting, with little sampling and a lot of live instrumentation and singing in its place. Despite this, the set they put on was definitely the worst of the evening, as the softer sound of their songs didn't work as well as it should have after the live sets of Approach and Soulcrate Music. The soft singing definitely got tiresome after a while, and to make things worst Grieves seemed annoyed with the apathetic crowd and started to gripe about sound difficulties and so forth. Still, their set did have its highlights, like when Budo started playing a super upbeat keyboard arrangement which triggered Grieves to sing Snoop Dogg-ish lyrics in a very high-pitched and comical tone. All in al, Grieves and Budo have very good recorded material, but their live set could use a bit of work. Finally, Mac Lethal came out to cap the evening's entertainment off with Grieves supporting him behind the boards in a wrestler mask. One great thing about Mac Lethal's songs are their humorous and memorable lyrics, which make them fun to listen to and easy to relate to. It's cool when half of the crowd knows how to chant along with a performer's lines, and that was definitely the case of the Elbo Room fans at this show (myself included). He did a number of great tunes from his album "11:11" and his "Love Potion Collection" albums, including "Sun Storm," "Calm Down Baby," and "Black Widow Spider." He also did a few new songs from one of his future projects, which sounded pretty damn good, and talked it up with the crowd on a variety of humorous subjects. Very good set and very good show overall.

Wyvern nibbles on the tip of one of his sausages nervously, very much in the same situation as Harmony. The overgrown lizard had clearly noticed her choice of seat, and something told him that Harmony was there for more than just Ran Yoko's leftovers. Wyvern gulps down his food and plucks another of the weiners from his horns, catching a scrap dropped by Ran Yoko with his other claw. "Uhhh... hiya, Harmoney. I mean Harmony." Wyvern strikes an awkward grin as he desperately tries to think of something witty to win her over with. "Uhm... nice mussse you got there. Doesss he/she/it have a name?" Harmony turns her head to respond, only to cry out as a hot dog tossed from Kikuyu and Degorram's mini food fight sails through the air in her direction. The barbeque sauce-laden frank lands on Harmony's pristine silken dress with a splat, producing a dark brown stain that leaves Harmony with a somewhat horrified expression. "Oh geeze, lemme help you with that." Wyvern pulls out a napkin and raises it up, only to clean off his snout with it before leaning in to lick the sauce from Harmony's dress with his forked tongue.

Wyvern's lower lip starts to tremble as he stares over the ocean of upper-class shopping bags that the cat dragged in, his beady eyes growing tinier over every expensive brand-named bag. With no charity to comfort him and no new CheerMynx outfit to distract his thoughts, the reptilian reporter falls into despair at an alarming rate, collapsing next to a Louis Elve-itton bag and slamming his horns into the ground. Wyvern wails in spite of himself, then covers his snout with his claws and takes a moment to suffer in silence. "My Report..." Wyvern sniffles and writhes on the ground, closing his eyes and hoping the bags will have vanished by the time he opens them. "My Almost Report... is..." Wyvern blows his nose on the sleeve of an ultra-expensive shirt hanging from a Dolce & Dragona bag, covering the delicate fabric in wet ash and snot. He wipes his eyes with his claws, then sticks his snout up in the air and lifts himself back onto his feet. He stares once again over the various bags and their financial implications, then taps his tail stinger on the floor and points to an area off-screen. "Troglyodyte Lighting Crew, Team A. Troglyodyte Sound Men, Team B. Go take these clothing bagsss back to their points of origin and sssee if they're refundable." Wyvern sniffles, and glances down at a bag from Musingwear containing lacey lingerie. "Except that bag from Musssingwear, you can leave that there." Wyvern tilts his head to another area off-screen, a new determination ringing in his hiss. "Troglyodyte Advertisement Squad, Team C. You'll be in charge of hawking the non-refundablesss on the black market, aim for a 10% raissse from the initial sssales price." Wyvern scratches his horns for a second, then snaps his claws. "Troglyodyte Make-Up Crew, Team D. Resssearch blackmail options for retail outletsss that refuse to refund the productsss." Wyvern glances over at CheerMynx briefly, then hisses a slow sigh of sorts. "Except you two, Spinky and Puffdrag. You go give CheerMynx her paw-dicure, she did come all the way out here after all." Wyvern twiddles his claws and tries to maintain his dignified composure, uncertain of how to break it to CheerMynx that he'll no longer be able to afford her presence on the Report... The overgrown whimpers to himself and covers his face with one of his wings so no one will see, calculating a drop in the Almost Intern Fashion Fund from 5% to -10%...

The news cameras flicker on to the sight of a large hairbrush display styled like a weapon-rack, with row upon row of brightly colored eclectic brushes lined in a formal fashion. The sizes of the brushes run the gamut from “Giant” to “Pixie,” with the larger brushes near the top and the tinier ones lining the end of the spectrum. The news cameras zoom out for a moment to get a full view of the hairbrush display and the “Cellular Crystal Ball Calling Zone” sign that rests to its right, then turn to get a view of the rest of the mock beauty salon that’s been set up in CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ. They pass by a variety of make-up and manicure tables as well as a few Almost Dragonic Brand Medusa Coil Hair Dryers,™ which look every bit as dangerous as they sound, before stopping at the center of the set-up. The cameras catch a shot of a large poster of CheerMynx modeling for some type of fur enrichener hanging in the background, then pause and focus on a metallic tube labeled Almost Dragonic Brand Hellfire Furnace Tanning Bed.™ The “tanning bed” bears a resemblance to a poorly constructed troll oven, save for a clanging sound that seems to echo from it every few seconds. The camera crew listens to the clangs for a moment and begins to turn to inspect other parts of the parlor, only to pause as a “haaallllp” is faintly heard between clangs. The troglyodytes murmer to one another before one of them finally decides to walk up to the tanning bed and open it, causing Wyvern to collapse out in the midst of trying to bang on it again. The news cameras huddle around Wyvern as he gasps for air, his scales slightly shrunken and his barber bib more-than-slightly shrunken. The overgrown lizard rolls on the ground and blows on his scales for a bit to cool them down, then sighs and adjusts his tiny clothes as best as he can before turning to the cameras. “*Ahem* Greetingssss, and welcome to perhaps the most fashionable Almost Report to date. Join us as we celebrate all thingsss blond in true beauty salon style, with CheerMynx’s recent return and Blondemoon’s recent birthday at the top of the lissst.” Wyvern signals to a troglyodyte, who nods and brings him a new blond wig to replace the one that had burned up in the tanning bed. The reptilian reporter adjusts the wig on his horns, causing it to stand above his head. “Our bessst Pen birthday wishesss go out to Vlad, Archaneus, and Mirrizin as well. Hope the lot of you had great onesss… feel free to stop by the Almost Report parlor for 50% off on an Almost Dragonic Brand Almost Scale Makeover.™” Wyvern strikes a claws up to the cameras, then turns to try and search for a way to get his scales back to their regular handsome size prior to CheerMynx’s arrival. He passes by a poster for some barbarian boy band called Hairy & the Blond Bombshells and comes to a halt when he arrives at a manicure table, which contains an assortment of excessively large knives designed to sharpen the nails of even the most frightening of taloned behemoths. Wyvern ignores the knives, however, and focuses on trying to find a bottle of crimson nail polish to help fill out the color of his hide. “In current Pen newsss, Savage Dragon has issued a challenge to all pennites to fill in the end of his story in the Cabaret Room. An exercissse in indescribable feelings and such, apparently...” Wyvern pauses as he comes across a red bottle of polish, but twists his snout when he finds it labeled “Strawberry Red” and decides to leave it alone. “Alsssso, if you’ve already helped fill in stories via Patrick’s madlib, the new madlib results are now up for reading in the Cabaret. Thanks Pat!” Wyvern swings his tail in a turn and rushes over to the hair stylist section of the salon, searching for some type of alternative bib or other baggy article of clothing to cover the current state of his scales. Unfortunately, due to the blond orientation of the beauty parlor, large clothes are decidedly difficult to come by. “In other Pen newsss, I’m pleasssed to announce that the Mighty Pen Fundraiser’s fundraising goal has finally been reached. Thanks to everyone who donated in ssssupport of the Keep!” Wyvern pauses and seats himself on a stool available in the Cellular Crystal Ball Calling Zone, worrying once again about CheerMynx and the Almost Intern Fashion Fund. “Now, if only we could start raising as much geld on the Report…”

Gabrielcharon leans back in her applicant easychair and takes a moment to glance over the pig sty of a Recruiter's Office, twisting her nose at the tall stacks of inky paperwork and clusters of discarded candy wrappers that litter the floor. She drums her fingers on the side of the chair and glances up at the Office Rolodex Clock to check on the time, only to jump as the window on the opposite side of the room abruptly slams open. A grappling hook clangs onto the windowsill with enough force to chip part of the window's frame, and a set of claws promptly follow the hook's lead. Wyvern pulls himself into the room with some effort, getting his tail stinger stuck on a crack in the Pen Keep's exterior walls before finally shoving his way in through the opening. The overgrown lizard grunts and brushes a few stray Courtyard leaves from his crimson scales, then waves to gabrielcharon with a toothy grin. "Greetingssss gabrielcharon, sorry to keep you waiting. I jussst had to fetch some uhhh, important Office resssearch documents for future reading." Wyvern takes the stack of fantasy smut magazines tucked under his wings and lays it behind a tall pile of scheming documents on his Office desktop, hoping that gabrielcharon won't take much notice. "*Ahem* Anyway, it'sss nice to meet you. Feel free to help yourssself to some of the Bruteweiser on that stack of unfinished raise proposalsss over there, I'll be getting to your application in a second." Wyvern flashes gabrielcharon another grin, then rushes over to the center of his desktop and begins tossing sheets left and right in a frantic search for gabrielcharon's application. He finally finds the neatly written sheet after overturning a stack of “cease and desist” notifications from rival manufacturers, and lifts it to his snout to read it over. “Mm, a very niccce piece indeed gabriel. Between the treasssures, the booze, and the phallic implications I wouldn’t be surprised if you wrote this poem with me in mind.” Wyvern snorts to himself contently, then eyes gabrielcharon for a moment to try to read her face for any changes in expression. He licks his lips and turns his eyes back to the application, tapping at the edge of the page. “Of courssse, then again, I’m not sure what you’re implying with the end of the poem. I guesss that if the beginning is about my pursuit of geld, love of alcohol, and overall potency in bed, then the end of the poem seems to depict me as a dastardly exploiter of the innocent with few moral valuesss. Is that about right?” Gabrielcharon raises a brow at Wyvern before vigorously shaking her head. “Oh no no, the poem isn’t about-“ “Awww… really?” Wyvern stares at the end of the poem with longing written in his beady eyes, then begins digging through his desktop again for something. “Drat! And here I was hoping that someone had finally depicted me as villainous… I mean, chicks dig villainous right?” Before gabrielcharon can open her mouth to respond, Wyvern pulls out the official acceptance stamp from its hiding place behind an empty booze bottle and stamps the application poem ACCEPTED. He strides up to gabriel and shakes her hand, then gives back the poem with as welcoming a hiss as he can muster. "Anyway, the poem's definitely Mighty Pen material Gabs - can I call you Gabssss?" Wyvern pauses, then turns and begins wandering back towards his desk as he waits for a response. "By the way Gabs, I don't suppossse you'd be interested in some Almost Dragonic Brand Vodka Chaser Roe Mein™? It's typically sold at 130 geld a pint, but I'd be willing to offer a sssmall discount given the alcohol level of your second stanza..." ;-) OOC: An ACCEPTED application poem, gabrielcharon. Welcome to the Mighty Pen! I'm glad that cryptomancer directed you here, and look forward to reading more of your works as well as collaborating with you on community projects and RPing. I hope you enjoy the company here at the Pen and find us an open and friendly community to share your writing and other thoughts with. Once again, welcome!

"Uhhh, buh-but, I-I mean... Ch-CheerMynxie wait!" Wyvern jumps out of his seat and turns to pursue the cheerline, only to get his tail tangled in a stack of Almost Dragonic Brand Kitten Minion Catnip™. The overgrown lizard grits his teeth as he watches the last flash of CheerMynx's tail brush against the side of the entrance door, and tugs at his stuck tail with such force that he tumbles forward and trips over a line of Cake Repelling Helmets. The reptilian Elder yells curses as he stumbles head over heels, falling into a pile of Special Deluxe Lap Protectors that completely fail to break his fall. The overgrown lizard cranes his neck and flails to his feet, then removes a "20% off" sign impaled to one of his horns and wails to the troglyodyte news crew. "What're you guys waiting for?! Follow that ssstripe-sporting feline!" The news cameras watch Wyvern's despaired expression and claw movements for a moment, only to start trembling as they notice the angery glint in the reptilian reporter's eyes. The camera equipment is promptly dropped by the troglyodytes as they scurry off in a futile pursuit of CheerMynx, mostly in an effort to get out of Wyvern's range of rage. The news visuals immediately blackout, but the sound tracking devices remain functional long enough to hear Wyvern scream: "You idiotssss, don't just drop the camerasss! Those things cossst geld! We're already under-budget as it i-"

Thanks for sharing your poetry with us here, HeatherDugdale. :-) The poems are cool, with my personal favorite of the bunch being "Sweetest, Brightest Future" since I liked the way you drove the poem home with its universal ending. I must say that your poetry became more admirable to me after I read your family history and life story on the webpage. The willingness to have hope in your poems is greatly appreciated and an inspiration to others diagnosed with HD, I'm sure. Anyway, thanks again for providing the poetry link, and welcome to the Mighty Pen. :-)

“Ah-buhhh...” Wyvern continues staring at CheerMynx, still dumbfounded by her presence, his eyes fixed on the finer lining of her stripes in spite of his best efforts to stay focused. It takes a sway of the cheerline’s tail for the question to finally register in Wyvern’s head, at which point he begins nodding again like a pet lizard waiting for some sort of stripe-related treat. The reptilian reporter pauses in his complacent nodding, however, as a devious thought enters into the general jubilation going on in his mind. He swoons for a moment to get some of the suppressed excitement out of his system, then clears his throat and tilts his head up in the calmest, most business-like expression he can muster. Which is hardly calm at all, nor business-like. “Oh s-ss-ssure, I mean, well...” Wyvern twists his tail stinger into the ground in an attempt to get his cognitive schemer gears turning, though the occasional glance at CheerMynx’s chest is enough to get a pretty major monkey wrench caught in the works. “W-w-well, yesss of course, definitely…” The overgrown lizard pauses and pulls out a sheet of paper, a dastardly grin forming across his face. “With a few new sssstipulations, of course.” Wyvern takes out a quill in the hopes of scribbling a few new interesting additions to CheerMynx’s contract, but only manages to get through the first syllable of “massage” before CheerMynx speaks up in her chirpy voice. “Stipulations? You mean, like, my Almost Intern Fashion Fund and stuff?” “W-well, uuhhmm…” Wyvern drops his quill as he considers the state of the Almost Report’s show ratings, and grows progressively more worried as he realizes that the Fashion Fund would have to be less than it was when CheerMynx left. “A-actually, well, the show hassssn’t been the most popular without you CheerMynxie. We’re looking tight on fundsss, so we maaayy need to cut the Almost Intern Fashion Fund back down to 5% for a bit. I-I-I mean, temporarily ssspeaking…” Wyvern whimpers and sits in awkward silence for a moment, then gets on his knees and stares up at CheerMynx with the best sad lil’ lizzy eyes he can muster. “Pleeeeaaaaassssse ssssstay…?”

The news cameras pan over a pennite’s well-furnished living room with surprisingly few technical difficulties, getting clear shots of a circle of couches that surround an unlit fireplace. A portrait of Ayshela hugging Peredhil at the center of a large pennite gathering is surrounded by pictures of Aleyn and Jirah near the mantelpiece of the fireplace, and stray kitten fur is visible in the light layer of dust that covers the furniture. The cameras briefly catch a shot of an ornate lamp hanging from the ceiling before turning to the sound of the main entrance door slamming open. Wyvern storms in dressed in a tacky salesman outfit littered with little birthday product price tags, which are taped to his cufflinks and collar. The overgrown lizard drops an oddly familiar gold-colored bag from the span of his wings, then waves to the cameras and promptly begins unloading products onto the central table of the chamber. “Greetingssss, and welcome to another Almost Report. Join us as we report to you live from Ayshela’s lounge in another semi-legal exclusssive.” Wyvern sets a Cake Repelling Helmet and Special Deluxe Lap Protector on the front of the table so that they’re visibly at the head of the soon-to-be product display. “In cassse you’re wondering, this sssack is the same bag that Ayshela used in the Cabaret Room some months back. I felt it was only right to revisit it in belated honor of her birthday, and I can’t say that the Report’sss record low ratingsss hurt the decision making process either. Anyway, at the top of the news this evening…” A loud blaring horn goes off in the background as the words “Sale! Sale! Sale!” begin flashing across the screen faster than you can say Almost Dragonic Brand Clichéd Shopping Channel Signs™. Wyvern jumps up from his position and spreads his claws with a toothy salesman grin, chanting along as the words zoom across the screen. “That’ssss right! We’re getting rid of an overstock of Cake Repelling Helmets and Special Deluxe Lap Protectors, as well as Special Birthday Earplugs and Almost Dragonic Birthday Celebration Gear. And you know what that meanssss: discountsss galore!” Wyvern pulls out a sign that reads “10% off,” then tosses it to the side and replaces it with a sign that reads “25% off.” He promptly discards it for a sign that reads “40% off,” then drops the sign to the floor and holds up a sign that reads “60% off.” Wyvern pauses for a moment and glances at the current sign and the one on the floor, clearly hesitating. He eventually sets down the “60% off” sign and reclaims the “40% off” sign, waving it at the cameras. “That’sss right, it’sss a 40% off blowout on all this old party product, plusss MinimondoT will receive an additional 20% dissscount as a belated birthday gift should she choose to shop with us here.” Wyvern reaches into the bag and tosses a clawful of Special Birthday Earplugs onto the table. “Everything mussst go! And if you purchase now, we’ll even donate 0.0005% of the earnings to the Mighty Pen Fundraiser, which only needs one or two more donations before it reaches its fundraising goal. Any contributions are appreciated!” Wyvern pauses, then swings his tail up onto the armrest of a chair and digs back into the gold-colored bag until he comes up with something new. He snickers to the cameras as he pulls out what appears to be a small plastic bag of grey powder, as well as a compass that displays at least ten hands pointing in every direction imaginable. “Of courssse, it wouldn’t truly be an Almost Report sale without a couple of new goodiesss from Almost Dragonic Inc. Keeping the special occasssion in mind, we have Almost Dragonic Brand Kitten Minion Catnip™ and Almost Dragonic Brand New Member Orientators™ available for a moderate price.” Wyvern sets the two products down and taps his claws on the edge of the table. “Almost Dragonic Brand Criminally Insane Lib Guides™ are also still for sale, and perfect for those participating in Patrick’s recent madlib. Word is that said madlib’s open until next weekend, so there’s plenty of time to participate in it if you haven’t done so yet.” With that, Wyvern presses his claws together and leans back in one of Ayshela’s comfy living room chairs as the 1-900 incantation number for the Report Shopping Network flashes across the screen in sickening flashes of red and yellow. The overgrown lizard lets his forked tongue hang loose as he awaits his first eager shopper…

Thanks for the recent movie reviews, Canid and Sora. :-) I actually saw "The Fall" whilst browsing at my DVD rental spot the other day and noticed that Spike Jonze is one of the folks who directed it, so not surprised to hear that it was filmed beautifully... may have to check it out at some point. And in response to Sora's post, I have to say that my respect for Nicolas Cage has sunken quite a bit over the years, though he's had a few great roles like his character in "Wild at Heart." Not a big fan of his acting on the whole, though... Johnny Depp, on the other hand, is another story. :-) Today, I went and saw Charlie Kaufman's much-anticipated new film "Synecdoche, New York," and after my initial viewing I have pretty mixed feelings about it. There were some truly great scenes in it that definitely stand out in my mind, but the film is quite scattered plot-wise and I'm not sure if it had as great an impact as I was hoping it would on the whole. I'm a huge fan of non-linear, extremely complicated films that abandon a plot in order to deliver an emotional imprint of sorts, but somehow there was a part of "Synecdoche" that almost felt like it was trying too hard to be deep. Now, on the positive side of things, this is still undeniably a film written by Kaufman. It's unabashedly original and bizarre, with plenty of unconventional witty dialogue between characters and some very odd story arches. The acting should also be commended, as the brilliant Phillip Seymour Hoffman does an excellent job as the lead protagonist while the supporting cast of mostly female actresses also deliver great performances. Like I mentioned, there are great scenes in the movie, with standouts including a scene where Caden searches for his real daughter in a strip club and an interesting soliloquy from a stage actor playing a priest during a rehearsal of a funeral meant to mimic the funeral of one of the actual actors in Caden's grand play. There are quite a few things to praise in this movie... yet at the same time, I just can't help but feel that it could have added up to a bit more. Overall, it's a good movie and an interesting brain-turner, but not as essential as something like "Inland Empire" as far as that category of film is concerned.

I like most of these poems, Harmony. :-) I think my favorites of the bunch are probably "Memorial to P.J." and "Published or Bust!," with the personal nature of the former and the comic tone of the latter both resonating with me. These poems as a whole show a very broad range of talent, since the romantic nature and dream poems seem just as nicely written as the more personal mood poems. I also like how you give us a taste of both your experiments with free form and your rhyming poems in this selection, as following up a personal free form piece with a piece that plays with language kept things interesting. I'd say you should definitely ignore the "nightmare Editors" of "Published or Bust!" and keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing these with us here, Harmony. Welcome to the Pen, I hope you enjoy the many eccentric writing folks here. Out of curiousity, do you have a preference when it comes to writing personal poetry or romantic dreamy poetry?

After a lengthy period of basking in the adulation of the moment, Wyvern slowly swoons to his feet, a dreamy look glazed over his beady eyes. The overgrown lizard hisses an extra happy sigh, pressing his claws together and staring up at the sky. A goofy-looking grin stays plastered on his face while the tip of his tail twists itself into a temporary heart formation. The overgrown lizard takes a deep whiff of the barbeque air, then does a crooked twirl and lumbers forward in an attempt at a happy skip of sorts. He glances left and right on the lookout for the twin sisters behind his current high, almost crashing into Ordolar's steed as he narrowly misses collisions with a variety of pennite guests. The overgrown lizard waves to Tamaranis and Sora Hikari as he dodges sausages tossed from a table nearby, catching a few on his horns in the process. He eventually seats himself at Ran Yoko's feet after determining it the spot most likely to receive food dropped by the person eating, then lays out an Almost Dragonic Brand Flattened Kitten Picnic Mat™ and stares up at Ran Yoko intently. "Hiya Ran. Take yer time with the food." Wyvern grins and lays out empty plates and silverware directly under where Ran Yoko's eating. "Oh, and if ya wanna trade something for the weinerssss on my horns, jussst ask."

Wyvern claps his claws together, then grins at Patrick and begins scribbling away. The overgrown lizard shields his choices from a curious Pen public by raising a wing over the response sheet. 1. Patham 2. Tzimfemme 3. overt 4. Rydia 5. Wyvern-approved 6. transparent pink nightgown 7. nonchalantly 8. Almost Dragonic Brand Dirty Vile Disc™ 9. recyclable 10. news rat 11. drop dead sexy 12. rear end 13. CheerMynx 14. nymphomania 15. 68th Annual Chocolate Mud Wrestling Competition 16. heart-shaped 17. track-and-field decathlon fast 18. exhiliration 19. chest 20. Pass the Bruteweiser Bottle

The news cameras slowly turn as the sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the background. The lenses of the cameras barely make out any visuals due to the copious number of cobwebs that cling to their frames, though black and orange colors can be seen through tiny gaps in the webs. A troglyodyte hand, also webbed, reaches down and pulls the spider nesting grounds from the equipment, revealing not a Halloween decoration but a picture of CheerMynx in all her black and orange glory. Though the cheerline is dressed in one of her typical pink cheerleader two-pieces, the counter surrounding the picture is decidedly more Halloween-oriented. Crumpled candy wrappers surround two un-carved pumpkins lying next to each other, undoubtedly set in position to represent something lascivious in a certain reptilian reporter’s mind. The news crew turns to get a view of the rest of CheerMynx’s quarters, which are decorated with sparkly witch rags that are so tattered that they may have even made for a good outfit on the right fur. The cameras pass by several large empty “Almost Report Candy Donation” tins before arriving at the bedside where Wyvern sits, costume and all. The overgrown lizard sports a foam Wyvern outfit leftover from CheerMynx’s April Fool’s report, complete with fake leather scale bodysuite, foam claws and mock head-piece. The outfit is hardly as oversized on Wyvern as it was on its previous owner, but the reptilian reporter doesn’t seem to mind given that small traces of cheerline fur that still cling to its interior. “Greetingssss, and a belated Happy Halloween to all from the Almossst Report.” The sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the background as Wyvern pulls off his phony head piece and flashes a real almost dragonic grin at the cameras. “Feel free to ring usss on our crystal ball incantation number if ya wanna share some of the things ya did for the holiday. I know Almost Dragonic Inc. practiced itsss tried and true traditions of tricking without treating… just take a look at these.” Wyvern shifts his outfit with some effort and gestures towards a tall dark glass cabinet with a geld slot on the front. A few sparse candy bars are lined on skellie bone vending trays inside of the rectangular box, though the spot that would normally distribute candy is sealed with a combination lock. “Thessse Almost Dragonic Brand Gag Halloween Candy Vending Machines™ made sure that the tricksss just kept coming while the treatsss remained where they rightfully belonged.” Wyvern snickers to himself proudly and signals to a troglyodyte, who proceeds to unlock the geld bin of the vending machine and empty its contents next to the cameras. The overgrown lizard’s ego deflates when the contents of the box prove to be only a folded note, which reads “No one uses vending machines on Halloween, idiot!” Wyvern stares at the sheet glumly, then clears his throat and continues. “Annnyyyway, if you weren’t tricked by Almossst Dragonic Inc. thisss Halloween, why not use the money you saved to contribute to the Mighty Pen Fundraiser? There’sss still hosting fee money to be raised by December, and any donations are appreciated… even tiny ones!” Wyvern presses his foam Wyvern costume claws together as the sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the background. He spears the vending machine note with a non-costume tail stinger and shifts it under CheerMynx’s bed, then glances over a list of news items attached to the back of one of the costume claws. “In other Pen newsss, the Cabaret’s Mighty Pen Madlib booth is once again open to brave new hosts. I can guarantee a response from yours truly to anyone who takes one on, plus Almost Dragonic Brand Criminally Insane Lib Guides™ are also available for the uncertain. 99 geld cheap.” Wyvern pauses and wipes a bit of ash from his snout with one of his foam claws. “Ssspeaking of uncertainty, I’d alssso like to take a moment to quickly encourage U.S pennites to get out and vote today. Just don’t forget to line the voting booths with Almost Dragonic Brand Pay-Per-Vote Service™ tags.” Wyvern grins to the cameras and attempts to shift his costume tail as the sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the backgrou- “Woody!” Wyvern raises a foam claw to his snout as he calls out. “Enough with the Halloween door sounds already, you ain’t impressing anybody.” A brief moment of silence ensues, followed by the sound of an angry door slamming shut…

Glad you all enjoyed it. :-) Just as a reminder - anyone is welcome to host their own madlib here, using whatever Pen passage they choose! The explanation of the process at the end of this madlib should give anyone who wants to give it a whirl a good idea of how to go about making one. Here are a few additional recommendations from yours truly should you choose to host your own Mighty Pen madlib: 1) The passage you choose should be prose, since altered poetry rarely ever results in anything funny and can also be pretty awkward. 2) Pen character RP passages often make for the best madlibs. I've found that semi-romantic threads involving a male and a female pennite work particularly well. 3) When removing words and filling the blank spaces with terms, don't shy away from specificity. For example, the passage "He picked up the Flame spell parchment" could be altered to "He picked up the [Noun] parchment," but it could also be altered to "He picked up the [Type of Spell] parchment." Adding greater specificity usually results in funnier responses, as it gives participants more of a hint in how to be creative. 4) Longer passages with well-placed word removals work better than shorter passages with tons of word removals. The passage should be at least one fairly lengthy paragraph long. More suggestions available in Almost Dragonic Brand Criminally Insane Lib Guides™, 99 geld a piece. I love participating in these as much as I love hosting them, so I'm hoping someone else will take the initiative for the next one. ^_-

Good poem, cryptomancer. :-) For something that's "making sense of a dream," the subject of this poem certainly rings true to life. I can definitely identify with a number of the emotions and depictions of verbal abuse detailed in this piece, and I like how you use the fifth and sixth stanzas to reaffirm the subject of the poem's power and beauty. If this poem's written for a certain special person, I hope that said person reads it and that it helps them with their struggle. Nice poem once again, cryptomancer. Thanks for sharing it here.

The news cameras flicker on and off with shaky waves of static, their images oscillating due to an interference in frequency. The cameras finally find an angle that produces a steady image and focus on the odd higher-technology artifacts arranged on various counters and drawers. If the PR Static Rail Gun and Black Star Air Base medals hanging on the walls didn’t make the quarters strange enough, the fact that half of the room was missing was enough to make more than a few news troglyodyte scratch their heads. What would have been a perfectly round chamber is cut off by a wide open gap halfway across the room, which stares out over the Pen’s courtyards with no walls, floor or any sort of furnishings. The news cameras pan over the great outdoors of the Pen for a moment in the hopes of spotting some Unexpected Barbeque celebrities in the distance. They pull back when Wyvern’s voice begins echoing in the background, his hiss exhibiting a slightly calmer and sharper tone than usual. “A Pennite’sss quarters, littered with objectsss unknown. Half a chamber, cut off from natural Pen architecture. Wasss it a drunken remodeling job gone awry, or are you entering… the Almost Report.” Wyvern steps out dressed in a Rod Sterling black suit and tie combo, his claws pressed together in front of him and an inquisitive look in his beady eyes. The lizard’s scales have even been painted in blacks and whites for the occasion to give the show a slightly retro feel (and cut down on the camera training budget). “Georg Willis Pilocanci.” Wyvern steps over to a portrait of Pillow that hangs on the wall next to a high-tech rotund gadget of sorts. He tilts his neck ever-so-slightly to look up at it. “Asssociate of Yan Yan Ganaffi. Sharing similar quarters, even birthdays. Seemingly your typical eccentric pennite… with a not-so-typical passst.” Wyvern turns and paces through the walk-able half of Pillow’s quarters, almost tripping on a large rail gun that lies in a dangerous position on the floor. “At a glance, Pillow lived the life of your average pennite civilian. But unlike average pennite civilians, parts of his room were used as a means of bending space and time. Even language.” Wyvern turns his head to the cameras with his best deadpan Rod Sterling look. “Yesss, language. Much like cryptomancer’s quatrain game and recent madlib results, Pilocanci’s quarters did more than just put a spin on words. An impossible scenario for your typical Pen lodgings… but not for a spacecraft docked on a wall of a pennite’s quarters. A wall now conspicuously absssent, along with a certain pennite’s language.” Wyvern adjusts his tie and stares out the open wall to inspect the skies for unidentified geld-shaped objects. He leans against what he assumes is a counter and gets his tail caught on a trigger mechanism, blinking as the “counter” in question fires a stray rocket that goes soaring into the Pen’s courtyard. Wyvern flinches and quickly gestures for the cameras to turn as a loud explosion is heard somewhere in the background. “Anyway, it’sss all detailed in this book.” Wyvern drops the Rod Sterling tone and demeanor as he lifts a familiar-looking tome entitled “The Chicken or the Pen?” for the cameras to see. He points at the chicken-suited Mardrax on the cover. “255 geld cheap. Or if ya don’t feel like contributing to that cause, why not donate to the Mighty Pen Fundraiser inssstead?” Wyvern’s plug is interrupted by coughing fits as billows of black smoke begin rising from the courtyard outdoors, filling Pillow’s open room. Wyvern’s black and white scales are quickly obscured by the smoke, despite his best efforts to wave it away with his wings. The camera lenses go dark as well…