Wyvern

Last Sunday, I went and saw the 1969 tour starring Myka 9, Sole, Ceschi Ramos, Def3 & Lovemoney at Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco. I drove out to the show for a change, which worked very well since Bottom of the Hill has plenty of parking and it took a lot less time to get down there in a car. I was very excited about the line-up of this show... Myka 9, Sole, and Ceschi are all brilliant artists in their own right, and seeing them all together live is definitely a rare treat. The show lived up to expectations for the most part, though there were a few bumps and snags that prevented it from really blowing my mind. Lovemoney was one of those snags, and kicked off the show the wrong way with an unimpressive set of B-grade synthetic beats and a completely unmemorable voice and flow. Lovemoney certainly boasted about being a next level rapper a lot in his lyrics, with one of his hooks going something like "I'm the best there is" over and over again in a terrible singing voice, but he did very little to back his claims. Not interested. Def3 was the next to kick a set, with the well-established Canadian producer Factor backing him behind the boards. He stepped things up several notches with a pretty great set of traditional rap songs, with lots of great flows and some excellent bass-driven beats from Factor. One highlight of his set was a track he did at the end that incorporated a musical chorus similar to the Buena Vista Social Club, which was apparently composed by his father's band. I'd never heard of Def3 before, but his set definitely piqued my interest in his material (which was unfortunately not available at the merch stand due to shipping errors). J. the Sarge, a friend of Myka 9, took the stage briefly before Ceschi's set to kick a few songs. His tracks ranged from average to mediocre, with a style that sort of struck me as poor man's version of Myka 9, minus the creativity. His performance ended up being another of the evening's little snags for me, as his style didn't stand out in any way. Ceschi fortunately raised the bar once again with his set, which was perhaps the highlight of the evening's performances. Despite having a hoarse voice that prevented him from hitting some of the higher notes of his songs, Ceschi definitely delivered on the genre-bending range of his works, much like the last time I saw him at the Element Lounge in 2008. Different in this performance was a mini-band that Ceschi had assembled for his tour, which included a person on electric guitar and dudes on percussion and drum machines. Few can incorporate speed-rapping into catchy pop ballads as well as Ceschi, and he showed off his skills both in singing and rapping over the course of his set. Some highlights included a new rap song of his called "Count on It" that he performed incredibly well live and a soft folk song where he collabed on vocals with a guest whose name I think was Kyle David. Great set all around, the rest of the crowd was loving it too. Sole came on next to perform, and did a good set of his tracks that maybe dragged on a little too long. Back in around 2002 or 2003, Sole was one of my favorite hip hop artists, with his first two albums "Bottle of Humans" and "Selling Live Water" both really bowling me over. Heck, I still use a quote of his from "Selling Live Water" in my Pen signature! His more recent material, while technically still original and good, hasn't really interested me as much for some reason... it might be that my tastes have changed or that I played him way too much when I was first getting into indie rap, not really sure. Anyway, this was actually my first time seeing him live, which made for an interesting and slightly nostalgic experience. Sole seemed confident in performing his tracks, which often border on off-beat rapping over experimental noise beats, and he did selections from all of his albums except "Bottle of Humans." He didn't have any special gimmicks to hold the crowd's interest, but he was good at performing his style of music live and put on a straightforward set. His music dragged on a tiny bit by the end of his set, however, which suggests that his music might not translate that well live after a while. Still, it was a moderately good set that brought back some memories. Myka 9 was the last to take the stage, with Factor once again handling the DJ side of things, and ran through his gamut of styles from the last 20 years. Myka's one of those LA Project Blowed legends that's been innovating with styles in hip hop since the late 80s, and still has a lot to show for it. He started by performing his early verses from Freestyle Fellowship and swiftly transitioned between tracks, moving through his various solo works and his work in the group Haiku D'Etat before taking it to his most recent songs to date. Myka 9's soft-spoken style of rapping didn't work quite as well with the mic volume as some of the other rapper's, but his crazy creative flows spoke for themselves, at times sing-songy and at times moving too fast for words. It was impressive stuff worthy of an innovator of Myka's stature. His set ended with an hilarious freestyle session between him, Ceschi, Sole, Kirby Dominant, Def3 and Lovemoney... quite an interesting collaboration of styles! Sole came up with the best freestyle lyrics, but Myka and Ceschi impressed the most with their flows. Awesome ending to a pretty great set, not to mention show.

Wyvern grins and greets Snypiuer with open claws, then snatches the demi-god's scrap of paper and prepares to sign it. The reptilian Elder's face goes blank, however, when he notices the "Parking Validation" script written on the upper half of the sheet. He stops his quill in mid-scribble and lifts the sheet to his snout, examining it more thoroughly as the evil schemer cogs in his brain begin turning. Wyvern's eyes narrow as he sets the scrap of paper back down on his cardboard box, a sneer slowly spreading across his scaly face. "Oh, of courssse sir. It'sss valet parking, actually." Wyvern pulls out a sheet entitled "Vehicle Ownership Transaction" and passes it in Snypiuer's direction, along with a quill. "Jussst sign there, there and there. Then lissst a couple target black markets here, then drop your keysss off in this slot on my cardboard box here. You won't be not missing your vehicle in no time."

Wyvern snapped back into focus at CheerMynx's emphasis of "totally," tearing his eyes away from the belt bells that seemed to trace the cheerline's hips so well. The overgrown lizard coughed dryly as his thoughts drifted to possible cheaper bell alternatives, and his eyes instinctively began re-working their way up CheerMynx's chest scarf until they happened to arrive at the cerbihuahua's three sets of angered teeth. Wyvern jumped back with a little yelp as the sight of the canine temporarily dispelled the Almost Intern's gypsy charm. He shook his head and hissed softly as he stared at the pup in disbelief. "Like, isn't it cute?!!!" Wyvern slowly nodded with an uncertain look on his face, suddenly aware of where that extra 5% of the show's profits had went to. The overgrown cursed inwardly over the cheerline's choice of a pet over professional massaging lessons, then breathed a sigh and slowly approached the animal, not wanting to break his Almost Intern's good spirits. "Awwww, isssn't it sweet..." Wyvern reached out with a claw to pat the central head of the cerbihuahua, ignoring its growling. "Errr, it doesn't bite does i-" With a flash of movement and a jingle of CheerMynx's purse bells, the cerbihuahua sprung from its position and sunk the teeth of its right head into Wyvern's sensitive claw scales. The overgrown lizard screamed and began flailing around in circles, swinging the cerbihuahua back and forth in the air. "Aaaaarrrgh! Get it off! GET IT OFF!" Wyvern reached to pull the cerbihuahua off with his other claw, only to have the cerbihuahua's left head bite down on it with a feral growl. The lizard cried out and tried to shake the animal off by rubbing his newly handcuffed claws against his pants, only to have the cerbihuahua's central head take advantage of Wyvern's panic by sinking its teeth into more than just the tail bundle in his trousers. "AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!! HAALLLLPP!" A crew of four troglyodytes dressed in dog pound protective gear moved onto the scene and gathered around the vicious cerbihuahua and screaming lizard, managing to remove the pet through their collective effort and leaving an embarassing hole in the front of Wyvern's pants. The cerbihuahua immediately escaped the grasp of the troglyodyte squad, dashing back over to CheerMynx and hopping into her purse. The troglyodytes dispersed as Wyvern slowly lifted himself to his feet, covering the pant gap with an available tarot card. "It'sss..." Wyvern panted and licked each of his claws with a whimper. "It'sss... charming, CheerMynx. Remind me to uuhh, to develop some Almost Dragonic Brand Rainbow Color Tri-Leashes™. Y'know, as a lil' accessory." Wyvern groaned and straightened his scales, then grumbled and turned to exit stage left so he could fetch himself some new pants. The overgrown lizard paused mid-way to the exit hallway, however, and snapped a claw before turning back to CheerMynx. "Oh, before I forget, I wanted to give you thissss." Wyvern dug through his disheveled pockets and pulled out what he assumed was the (admittedly sparse) script for next week's episode of Dawgrim's Reek, handing it to the Almost Intern. CheerMynx glanced at the scrap of paper with a curious expression, arching a brow slightly as she skimmed over the familiar pink handwriting on the sheet. It read:

The wide marble ballroom set-up of the Conservatory glimmers under the light of an unstable chandelier, which is held in place by four imps in tuxedos on temporary appointment. Surrounding the large dancing area of the room are lines of rectangular tables labeled “Gala Grub,” as well as smaller circular tables with seats for pennites less likely to move their rear. The grub tables contain a variety of appetizer tidbits, ranging from deviled eggs to deviled curly onion cheese doodles. An assortment of entirely alcoholic beverages is lined up at a bar that’s been set up in the corner of the room, with the Bruteweiser logo being prominently displayed. Several troglyodytes from the Almost Report tune up their instruments on a stage built on the left end of the room, preparing for the official debut of their off-shoot rock band… Wyvern tugs at his traditional geld bag tie and makes sure that his “Hi! My Name is Wyvern” tag is properly stickered to the front of his ashen suit. The overgrown lizard brushes the scales back on his head, then seats himself behind a large cardboard box resting at the north end of the room. He hoists up a sign that reads “Otografs,” then twiddles his claws and grins for a moment before signaling to a troglyodyte who’s serving himself some deviled caviar. “Ssspinky, get over here for a sec.” The troglyodyte pops a deviled shrimp into his mouth before approaching the reptilian Elder. “Let me guess, you tore a hole in your dress pants and you need an emergency patching job?” “No, no. I mean… kinda, but that’sss not why I called ya over.” Wyvern sets a large red quill onto the table along with several Almost Report posters, all of which show Wyvern pointing his claws in a cheesy news man pose. “I jusssst wanted to check to make sssure you got all the invitationsss out.” “One personal invitation under every pennite’s door?” Spinky scratches the back of his head. "Yeah, I think we covered it." “Good, good.” Wyvern rubs his claws together and leans back in his seat. “The legionsss of adoring fans should be swarming in any minute now...” ;-)

The cameras flash on to the sound of shaking tambourines, which echo through this week’s quarters with a hint of something bordering on magic. The news cams pan over an exotic entrance-way lit by bright candles hanging on sides of an arched hallway, and zoom in to get a better glance of the mystical pictures that hang on parchments tacked to the walls. Drawings of various horoscope beasts overlap with sketches of constellation alignments, and archaic spell script has become too faded to read. The cameras pass through the hall until they arrive at a moderately large room that still maintains a certain degree of intimacy in the positioning of its chairs and its lack of windows. The centerpiece of the room is a giant crystal ball, which brightly illuminates everything in the chamber with its glow. Gypsy quilts line the back wall with a collage of deeper oranges and browns, ancient yet elegant in their own venerable way. Wyvern sits at a small palm reading table with a quizzical expression on his face, shuffling through a pack of tarot cards and trying to find a proper way to con people with them. The lizard tosses a card with a picture of a cat onto the table before lifting himself from his seat and revealing his pseudo-classy attire. The lizard’s dark red collared suit shirt might have appeared formal had it not been for its wide open collar, which was due more to necessity than style given the shirt’s tight fit around his wings. The color of Wyvern’s scales mismatches that of the shirt, making the open top of his apparel all the more apparent. His formal tan trousers do little to add to the ensemble, with his tail seriously bunching up its crotch area. Even the little geld-tinted helmet plates that crown Wyvern’s horns seem a little off-balance in the crystal ball light. “Greetingssss!” Wyvern grins and tugs at the open collar of his shirt, which still feels a little tight over his wings. “Welcome to the Almossst Report’s 100th semi-illegal broadcassst! OK, so there were maybe a couple where we were substituted by the Mighty News, but we were alwaysss there in spirit! Ya hear that, Bob Soluberrin? Ssspirit.” Wyvern sticks his forked tongue out and raises a middle claw at the cameras to accentuate his statement, then claps his claws together with glee. “We’re reporting to you from Madam Quixotic’sss former quarters this evening in honor of Salinye’s recent birthday – hope you had a great one, Salinye! Fortunately, those troublesome Ssscantivia brothers no longer live around these parts…but I booby trapped their extra-tight boxers, jussst in case.” Wyvern snickers to himself at the thought of the bear traps snapping down on the Scantivia brothers’ manhoods, then pauses as a troglyodyte passes by and hands him a bottle of Bruteweiser Spiked Champagne. The overgrown lizard uncorks the bottle with one of his claws, and takes a swig of it before toasting to the cameras. “Well, here’s to 100 episssodes of almost dragonic reporting, and to all of the financial highs and lows that have accompanied them. I’d like to persssonally thank my troglyodyte news crew, the I <3 Wyvern Fan Club, Whisssky in Babylon and of courssse a certain cheerline who was rewarded for her efforts last Report.” Wyvern winks to the cameras and tips his champagne bottle back once again. “I’d alssso like to thank the many quarters that we used and abused at the Mighty Pen Keep, which alssso happened to celebrate its birthday lassst week! Cheersss to the many profitable eventsss that have transpired through these halls. Oh, and before I forget, I also wanna send a big thank-you out to myself, for adding a much-needed masssculine sex appeal to the Report.” Wyvern flashes a losing grin at the cameras and poses for a moment, basking in the vanity of 100 episodes. He sets the Bruteweiser Spiked Champagne down on a copper podium that looks like something out of a séance session, then moves over to a reclining chair next to the room’s central crystal ball and takes a seat. He tugs at his open collar again as he tries to find some way of sitting that doesn’t involve giving his bundled tail an ache. “Anywaysss *grunt,* sssince this is a special moment in the Almost Report’s hissstory, I’d like to make a New Year’sss Almost Resolution. I hereby resolve to spend less geld on the production value of ‘Dawgrim’s Reek,’ which will continue for at least one full goblin broadcasting season.” Wyvern nudges the edge of the crystal ball with the back of one of his feet. “Also, be on the lookout for a ssspecial ‘Meet the Reporters’ Conservatory ball, where you can hang out with all your favorite Almost Report celebrities while getting tipsy on booze… as if you didn’t see enough of us already!” Wyvern lets out a slightly evil cackle, then tilts himself forward and begins waving his claws over the top of the “crystal ball”… which upon closer inspection is not a Quixotic artifact but rather an Almost Dragonic Brand Really Big Lightbulb™. Wyvern squints and pretends to stare deeply into the ball. “Asss for the more immediate future, I see orange and black stripes. And blond, blond hair. Yessss, I can see it now…” Wyvern shifts the bulk of his tail bundle to the front of his trousers to prepare himself for the Almost Intern’s arrival…

Music-wise, my 2008 was dominated by Doomtree, Blu, and a rise in self-titled albums (perhaps groups are trying harder to get their names stuck in people’s heads?). The following is a list of my ten favorite records from last year, which occasionally changes around a bit but is more or less solid: 10) Longshot “Addicted” (EV) Longshot’s new album is his first solo record since 2004’s excellent “Sacrifice,” and is also the first digital-only album to make it into one of my top ten listings. I was slightly skeptical when I first heard that Longshot’s new album was coming out digitally, particularly since the production line-up only featured one or two tracks from the Molemen who made his “Sacrifice” album so great. Fortunately, it turns out that Longshot is more than just a one-hit Molemen wonder, as his album “Addicted” has extra solid production and great MCing throughout its hour duration. On the album, Longshot takes the concept of addiction in people’s every day lives and applies it to a variety of subjects, speaking about his addiction to music but also about his loved ones addicted to drugs. He continues to stand out as a rapper with his deep voice and enunciation, and also continues to have an excellent ear for killer beats. It’s too bad that an album as good as “Addicted” can’t see a physical release… it would be worthy of every cent spent at the pressing plants. Damn good music. 9) Qwel & Kip Killagain “The New Wine” (Galapagos4) While ultra-talented MC Qwel has yet to surpass the sheer brilliance of his 2005 album “Dark Day,” “The New Wine” is probably his second best record to date and is a refreshing new approach to his music given the murkiness of some of his other recent recordings. Qwel is as topical and poetric as ever, and focuses a great deal of his tracks on the examination of his faith (Christianity) while still leaving room for other interesting concepts like the gossip track “Bonita Bitrell.” Qwel’s flow continues to reach mindboggling heights here, with the best demonstrations of it being the title track and the twisting rhyme scheme of “Innuendo.” Kip Killagain, for his part, delivers a crisp set of boom bap beats with live instrumentation strung in, which provides a good backdrop for Qwel’s rapping. Adding some variety to the tempo and style of the beats is important for any Qwel full length, and Kip succeeds in doing so here. Great stuff. Johnson & Jonson “Johnson & Jonson” (Tres) One of the most talented new voices in hip hop is definitely an MC by the name of Blu, whose soulful voice and smooth flow bring a high standard of quality to every song he touches. The group Johnson & Jonson, comprised of Blu and Mainframe, demonstrates the more traditional hip hop side of Blu, with plenty of funky boom bap tracks and smooth California songs for those sunny boulevard drives. While the record is very traditional through and through, Blu boosts the quality of the product far above most rap records this year, vibing off of the record’s soulful and hard-hitting beats like a real hip hop natural. Mainframe, who helps Blu with the beats and raps, also holds his own, though the record is clearly a showcase of Blu’s talent. Blu’s immense talent. Check it out. 7) Cecil Otter “Rebel Yellow” (Doomtree) Out of Doomtree’s many amazing releases this year, Cecil’s album is perhaps the most poetic and introspective of the bunch. His style of rapping is very distinctive and immediately recognizable, with his unique wordplay and confident delivery really singling him out in an ocean of modern rappers. The lyrics and music of “Rebel Yellow” evoke images of the old West, with lots of clever references to boxcar trails and traditional gun duels complimenting the dusty guitar and organ soundscapes. That’s not to say that Cecil’s subject matter is entirely stuck in the Western past – many of his tracks are highly personal, and based on loved ones or relationships passed. The way that Cecil Otter interweaves this personal subject matter with his Western imagery is quite original, and definitely a breath of fresh air. So “lock stock and two smoking earlobes,” and give this one a listen. 6) Heiruspecs “Heiruspecs” (Heiruspecs) This album by the Minneapolis hip hop band Heiruspecs dropped right before the end of 2008, and was the biggest surprise of the year to me. Don’t get me wrong, the Heiruspecs have paid their dues over the years and have put out quality products before, but the cohesiveness and musicianship on this album makes it stand out as their best record to date in my eyes. The Heiruspecs are a live band comprised of Felix & Mu’adib on vocals, dVRG on keys, Peter Legget on drums, Twinkie Jingles on bass and Josh Peterson on guitar. They come together on this record with a very distinctive vibe that’s at times smooth and jazzy and at others hype and rock-oriented. I Self Devine and Dessa both deliver excellent guest verses on different tracks, and there are more than enough stand outs over the course of the album to qualify it as one of the better records of ’08. The only flaw with it is that it’s a little on the long side, clocking in at over 70 minutes in length… that and the lack of distribution, which boggles my mind when it’s a record this good. Such are the hazards of releasing your album independently. Excellent music, well worth checking out. 5) The Gigantics “Die Already” (Camobear) Aesop Rock, Murs, Mr. Lif, Eligh, Solilloquists of Sound, Pigeon John, Swollen Members, Awol One, Josh Martinez, Sleep, Boom Bap Project, Qwel, P.O.S, 2Mex, LMNO, Vursatyl, Vitamin D, N8 the Gr8, Grayskul, Sandpeople, and pretty much every MC from Oldominion and Seattle. Make no mistake, this album by The Gigantics is a rare gem in indie rap… a compilation that brings together an enormous guest line-up of A-list underground MCs, but doesn’t let the overwhelming number of voices cloud its vision. The Gigantics production “team” is listed as five different producers, all of which are different monikers for MC/producer Onry Ozzbourn, who supplies the project with its musical backdrop and also raps on many of its tracks. Onry’s style of production is very minimalist, choppy and experimental, which offers an unusual and novel approach to a thoroughly guest-oriented album like this. Perhaps the most impressive part of “Die Already” is that each of the guest MCs brings their A-game, with verses worthy of some of their best work. The unified experimental sound of “Die Already” and its showcase of some of underground hip hop’s finest talents make it one of the clear highlights of 2008, 4) C.R.A.C “The Piece Talks” (Tres) An acronym for “Collect Respect And a Check,” C.R.A.C is a collaborative effort between Blu (see the review for “Johnson & Jonson” above) and Ta’Raach, one of Detroit’s more interesting and experimental MCs and producers. Unlike Blu’s “Johnson & Jonson” record, the soundscape that Ta’Raach presents for “The Piece Talks” is thoroughly left-field and daring, with loads of novel approaches giving the record the feel of a free-flowing vibe session. “Buy Me Lunch” kicks things off with the two MCs shouting “Hey! It’s OK!” over an upbeat guitar track while Noni Limar sings about spiking punch in a charming voice. “CRAChouse” is a spoken word braggadocio track from Ta’Raach over an infectious keyboard beat, with a feel similar to something from an early Outkast record. Meanwhile, “Pop Dem Boys” is as good as straight-up battle rapping can get while “Hello?!?!” is the illest answering machine message I’ve heard in a long time. It’s hard to tell which of the MCs shines more over the course of the album, as Blu and Ta’Raach are both extremely skilled rappers with excellent voices… I think ultimately Ta’Raach’s production and original approach stand out the most, giving the record a very unique feel that’s bound to turn a lot of heads (and bound to turn off even more). An extremely original and high quality album from the aristoCRAC of America. 3) Mike Mictlan & Lazerbeak “Hand Over Fist” (Doomtree) Now here’s a record that’ll blow your wig back and make your speakers tremble with power. “Hand Over Fist” is one of the strongest manifestations of Doomtree to date, and boy does it hit. HARD. If Cecil Otter’s album is the poetic and introspective side of Doomtree, then Mictlan & Lazerbeak’s opus is decidedly the “mosh the hell out of the venue and scream at the top of your lungs” side of the collective. And let’s just say that the group’s description of their tracks as “ultimate lava bangers” is, in fact, an understatement. Mike Mictlan a.k.a Bamf the Butcher handles the rapping side of things, with a booming voice, impeccable flow, and penchant for writing some very strong hooks. Mike also crafts his lyrics in an interesting way, and focuses a lot of his songs on the topics of struggle and perseverance, including the hardships of being Chicano on the standout track “LA Raiders Hat.” While Mike delivers a truly great performance, the real star of the show here is Lazerbeak, who establishes himself as the best producer in modern hip hop with this record. “Hand Over Fist” is hands down the best produced album of 2008 in my book, with the beats ranging from “incredible” to “phenomenal.” From the insane intro track to the epic closer, the beats on this album are enough to shake the strongest of club stereos and had me constantly slapping my forehead in amazement while dancing at the same time. This is the raucous hip hop your parents warned you about, the stuff that keeps your neighbors complaining in the middle of the night. Incredible beats, incredible rapping, incredible album! 2) Atmosphere “When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold” (Rhymesayers) Back around 2001 or 2002, I was fairly young, experimenting with music, trying to discover what style really appealed to me. I had gotten off my kick of listening to Oasis, Smashing Pumpkins and Blink-182 (remember them?!), and was trying a couple of these rap records that were getting publicity. Eminem? Check. 2Pac? Check. Snoop Dogg? Check. And then, a friend of my parents informed me about some other artists to check for… Mos Def and Black Star were cool, Jedi Mind Tricks were damn nice. Rasco and Planet Asia were up my alley too. But it wasn’t until I asked for and received Atmosphere’s album “Lucy Ford” the Christmas of that year that my outlook on rap music changed entirely. Here was a rap record with someone rapping about simple yet profound things… everyday things that I could easily understand and relate to, yet things that made me think and that were done in a highly creative and musical manner. While I’d probably taken up collecting rap as a hobby before then, that was the point where I became obsessed with underground hip hop. I memorized every single lyric of “Lucy Ford” unintentionally, and deemed it one of my favorite records of all time. So, it’s a pleasure to say that after several years of disappointing follow-up albums, Atmosphere may have finally topped “Lucy Ford” with this new record. Granted, “When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold” doesn’t enchant me in the same way that “Lucy Ford” did… no record ever will. That was a special excitement specific to that time period in my life. But Slug and Ant, the MC and producer of Atmosphere, have grown older with this record, and their maturity really shines through. These songs are structured and highly musical, with some of Ant’s finest compositions creating an awesome musical landscape. Perhaps even more importantly, Slug is back to rapping about the things that made him so lovable in the first place: subjects that are easy to relate to but treated in an interesting way. “The Skinny” is a track that personifies cigarettes as a pimp, who keeps his customers coming back like whores and continuously mistreats them. “The Waitress” is the story of a waitress and a bum that keeps hanging outside of her café in the hopes of being near her, with a twist ending. Tom Waits beatboxes in the background of the track, adding another interesting musical element to it. “In Her Music Box” is a vision through the eyes of a baby girl sitting in the backseat of her musician daddy’s car, playing with her toys. A lot of the tracks on “When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold” deal with the theme of fatherhood, and the various ups and downs of being a father and raising children. Honestly, how many rap records can you say deal with that subject? It even comes packaged in a miniature hardback children’s book. Atmosphere’s new record is an outstanding achievement that will stand the test of time, and hopefully inspire new listeners in the same way that “Lucy Ford” inspired me. 1) Doomtree “Doomtree” (Doomtree) “Doomtree, Doomtree, Doomtree!” That’s the chant that echoes through the opening jabs of Doomtree’s first official full length album as a collective, a record that thoroughly delivers on so many different levels. After countless years of blood, sweat and tears from the group’s 5 MCs and 4 producers, their labor of love is finally here, and the self-titled masterpiece lives up to the promise and high standard of quality that the various members have set for themselves. In 2007, when Doomtree released their “False Hopes” compilation, I reviewed it in my album of the year listing and gave a brief run down of how talented each of the folks in Doomtree is. Here’s a more thorough description for a more thorough record that tops my favorites of 2008: The MCs: P.O.S: An acronym for everything from Promise of Stress to Pissed Off Stef (Stephen being his real name), P.O.S’s unique approach to rapping evokes the image of someone who simply refuses to give in to the B.S and does their own thing, regardless of circumstance. His hoarse voice and uncompromising style are both rooted in his background as a punk rock singer/screamer for the band Building Better Bombs. Highlight verse on the self-titled album: probably the sure-fire crowd quaking track “Accident,” where P.O.S trades verses with Sims only to destroy the beat by flipping the rhythms of his verses near the end. See also: my review of P.O.S’s album “Audition,” one of my favorite albums from 2006. Sims: Labeled the “working class poet” of the group in an interview with his fellow band members, Sims has some truly excellent rhyme schemes and lots of clever and personal lyicism that make his verses stand out. Like P.O.S, his voice is on the gruff side, but he uses it in a completely different way, with a smooth and sophisticated cadence that gives his rapping a kind of soulful edge. His album from a couple of years back, “Lights Out Paris”, showcased a lot of his skills as a solo artist and he shines just as brightly on this crew record. Highlight verse on the self-titled album: while the track “Pop Gun War” is certainly a contender, Sims’s second verse on the track “The Wren” really demonstrates the brilliant way he structures his lyrics and rhyme schemes, with him bringing a calm build-up followed by a storm of rapping. Dessa and Lazerbeak’s presence certainly don’t hurt the track either. Cecil Otter: The calmest and most confident voice in the Doomtree collective, and also probably its most interesting lyricist, Cecil brings a good deal of balance to the group and definitely holds his own amongst his peers. I used to consider Cecil the weakest link in a collective with no truly weak links, but the more you listen to the man the more you realize what a truly unique rapper he is. Highlight verse on the self-titled album: I’d say its his spot on the track “Gameshow Host,” where he finishes the track off with a verse that outshines some impressive performances from Sims and Mike Mictlan. Cecil kicks it off with “25. Medium, well-rounded with a working man’s halo. I served 5 years in the circus, and now I’m ‘bout to land payroll. But some swear I’m hell-bound, along with the serpent and the rainbow. But I ain’t workin for no devil or searchin for no angel I’m just workin all the angles in this book of human languages.” And he takes it uphill from there. See also: my review of Cecil Otter’s album “Rebel Yellow,” earlier in this favorite album list. Dessa: This gal is officially my rapper crush, and it’s based on far more than just her good looks. Dessa is an immensely talented MC, writer and singer who really broadens Doomtree’s sound and blesses everything she touches. From her superb smooth and sultry voice to her excellent lyrics and flow, I’d be hard-pressed to find anything not to love about her. She even put out a good book of poetry and prose this year. I hear she teaches a songwriting class at a music university in Minneapolis… makes me wanna go back to college and take advantage of office hours. ;-D Best female MC in my book, and probably (maybe) my favorite out of the Doomtree collective. Highlight verse on the self-titled album: you’re really gonna make me decide?! Every one of her spots on the album is amazing. I don’t know, I guess it’s probably a toss up between “Kid Gloves” (my favorite song of 08), “Dots & Dashes”, and “Sadie Hawkins.” And “Jaded.” Mike Mictlan: The mic mauler Mictlan is, in some ways, the best MC in Doomtree as far as the technical side of rapping is concerned. His flow, cadence and energy are always impeccable when he’s on a track, and the deep boom of his voice is always easy to single out and nod your head to. He’s also probably the rowdiest of the Doomtree bunch, and delivers on extremely hype tracks and verses again and again while maintaining a high standard of quality. Highlight verse on the self-titled album: though he’s one of the main MCs on my favorite track “Kid Gloves,” I’m going to have to point out his solo track on the album, “Game Over,” which has one of the craziest sets of hooks I’ve heard on a rap track in ages and is guaranteed to kill in a live setting. See also: my review of Mike Mictlan & Lazerbeak’s album “Hand Over Fist,” earlier on this favorite album list. The Producers: Lazerbeak: Straight-up the most talented out of anyone in the Doomtree collective, Lazerbeak’s contributions to the self-titled album are nothing short of phenomenal. He produces a little over half of the tracks on the record, and never fails to deliver something edgy and original to each track he composes. In some ways, his style of beat-making reminds me of El-P back when he was making beats for Cannibal Ox, with an ear for turning jarring sounds into something musical and the skill to back it up. Highlight beat on the record: “Kid Gloves,” with its amazing horn sample and bass synth groove, stands out the most to me at the moment… one of the best rap tracks I’ve heard in a long time. “Accident” deserves an honorable mention though, just cus’ the groove of that beat is impossible to ignore live. See also: my review of Mike Mictlan & Lazerbeak’s album “Hand Over Fist,” earlier in this listing. Paper Tiger: Big Papes has surprisingly few tracks on the self-titled album, delivering only 2 of its 20-some songs, but as usual he makes sure that his contributions get heard. Paper Tiger’s complex, layered instrumentals are easy attention-grabbers and work wonders as a backdrop for an MC to tear it up over. Highlight beat on the record: the track “Game Over,” where Paper Tiger fits his style perfectly to Mike Mictlan’s riot-inducing hook and continues to build on elements of the track over the course of its duration. By the time the super sped up piano sample kicks in in the end, you know that it’s “Game Over” indeed. MK Larada: Larada’s beats are darker and in some ways more traditional sounding than Lazerbeak or Paper Tiger’s production, but they’re still grade-A soundscapes with plenty of interesting samples, change-ups, and a variety capable of fitting the range of Doomtree’s many voices. He produced a good portion of the excellent tracks on the album, plus handles all of Doomtree’s art direction (and is damn good at it to boot). Highlight beat on the record: “Dots and Dashes” with its catchy guitar strums and building organ stands out, as do “Jaded” and “Last Call” for their low key vibes. Turbo Nemesis: Not a “producer” per say, but Turbo Nemesis is Doomtree’s resident turntablist and handles all of the scratching on their self-titled album. His turntable work is kept to a minimum and not at the forefront of the record, but is never the less quite impressive when it’s cleverly incorporated into the tracks. Highlight scratch moment: on the track “Gander Back,” Turbo Nemesis performs an impressive scratch routine over the sound of a knife being sharpened, adding another nice touch to the track. Anyway, since this review is long-winded as is, I’ll just wrap it up by re-iterating my “album of the year” verdict. ;-) More info at www.doomtree.net. --- Honorable mentions (also great): Bisc1 "When Electric Night Falls" Josh Martinez "The World Famous Sex Buffet" (an awesome record marred by bad sound quality from a pressing error) Danger Zone "Dangerous Styles" Grieves "88 Keys and Counting" Invincible "ShapeShifters" Breez Evahflowin & Dirt E. Dutch "Troublemakers" K-the-I??? "Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow" Neon Neon "Stainless Style" David Ramos "This Up Here" "Obsession" compilation on Bully Records I'd be interested to hear what some of your favorite albums of 2008 were. Don't hesitate to share by posting in this thread!

Wyvern's stern expression almost melted at CheerMynx's extra-sweet words and smile, but a couple of stray kitten minions intent on attaching themselves to the cuffs of the lizard's vest stopped him from grinning and wiped the warmth from his face. The reptilian Elder grunted and shook his arm in the hopes of getting the kittens off, receiving only a snout-full of rear paw in the process. He reached for a tail to de-fur one of the kitten invaders, only to stop as he remembered his "5% Less Cruelty" vow for the episode with a grumble. Wyvern sighed and let the cats swarm over him, turning to CheerMynx with a glummer expression than he'd been planning on using. "Ssssorry to hear that about the uhhh, the 'nature' shoot CheerMynxy." Wyvern cleared his throat and crossed his arms over his chest, folding his wings in an effort to get serious and not let his roBUST imagination run away with itself. "Lisssten, CheerMynx, about the lassst few Reports and your recent rissse in celebrity ssstatus..." Wyvern drooped his head and began pacing back and forth around Katzaniel's mattress, CheerMynx following him, her curiousity written in the position of her tail. Wyvern hissed and continued. "Well, you see, I've come to understand that thingsss have changed on the Report. unfortunately. And with all the new found successss, something is bound to give." CheerMynx's tail drooped a bit at the tone of Wyvern's voice, and he halted in his tracks. "I... ultimately, I think this is better for the both of us." Wyvern pulls out a pink slip from his pocket and, after tugging it away from a playful, hands it to CheerMynx with a yank. "I hope a celebrity like you will consssider it reasonable." CheerMynx lifted the pink slip in her paw, and glanced at the messy handwriting on it. The slip read: --- Almost Intern Fashion Fund --> Officially Raised to 15% Almost Intern Recreational Bonus Fund --> 5%, to be spent any way the cheerline desires. --- "I chossse pink cus it's your favorite color, right? Uhm, keep in mind that that extra 5% fund can be ssspent on fashion as well y'know." Wyvern pointed at the clause with a claw whilst hissing "hint hint" under his breath. "Anyway, I know it's no major ssstudio budget or anything, but I'm guessing it'll keep your agent happy for a while or something." Wyvern grins broadly at the sparkly look that flashes through CheerMynx's eyes, then clears his throat and pulls out a small notepad labeled "Urgent Blackmailing List" along with a quill. "Errr, ssspeaking of your agent, could I get his name by any chance?" Wyvern sets the quill to the page with a devious sneer. "I'd jussst love to meet the guy."

The news cameras fade in to the sight of an extra-large tigertaur cat mattress, with wide orange cushions capable of engulfing entire objects in a sea of comfortable fluffiness. Surrounding the mattress are a variety of counters and shaman spell bookshelves that might be used by a human (or nosy Wyvern), along with a few matted sunbathing spots perfect for large tigers. The sound of a roaring waterfall can be heard faintly in the background from an outdoor Courtyard, causing a familiar set of horns that stick from a spot on the mattress to tremble a bit. Wyvern slowly pulls himself up from the orange cushions with a wide stretch of his wings, raising his arms above his head and letting a toothy yawn loose. The overgrown lizard scratches at his outfit, which consists of a maroon vest lined with several rows of small grey catnip mice and a pair of kitten-claw-torn black trousers. Wyvern’s tail juts out of a particularly large scratch hole in the back, with a long line of bright purple yarn string tied to his tail stinger. The string swings left and right as the reptilian reporter shifts his tail and turns his head to the cameras. “Greetingssss, and welcome to a feline pennite Almossst Report ssspecial.” Wyvern raises a claw and signals to two troglyodyte soundmen wearing white kitten ear hats, who wave to the cameras before circling around the mattress a bit. “As you can sssee, the regular news crew is back for a brand new ssseason of the Report. And since we’re back in a reasonable geld margin, we’re kicking thingssss off with an illegal broadcassst from Katzaniel’s old abode. This chamber hasn’t really been used for a couple yearsss, but one couldn’t think of a better place to give the many felines of the Pen their props.” Wyvern flashes a toothy grin, then swims his way through Katzaniel’s cushions and emerges with his cat-attracting suit in tact. The reptilian reporter brushes the traces of tigertaur fur from his horns, then clears his throat and points his claw at a large quilt collage of a variety of different feline species that hangs on the wall. Probably an Almost Dragonic Brand Cat Shredded Scrap Quilt™, since none of the particular species are immediately recognizable. “Anywaysss, we want to sssend our best wishes out to Katzaniel, Mynx, and Lord Panther (happy belated!), as well as Degorram and any other shapeshifting pennite who occasionally takesss the form of a cat.” Wyvern pulls out a champagne bottle labeled Almost Dragonic Brand Bubbly Molten Milk™ and pops the steel cork. “Alssso, I’d like to make a ssspecial sacrifice in honor of this occasion. I, Wyvern Q. AlmostDragon, hereby ssswear to treat cute and innocent kittens with 5% less cruelty over the course of this Report. Fortunately, there’re no cute and innocent kittens in sight Wyvern sneers, then wanders over to a low copper platter that’s been set up on the floor. He pours a splash of Bubbly Molten Milk into each of the six titanium saucers that rest on the tray, watching the liquid froth over regardless of the tiny portions. “In the ssspirit of the recent Cabaret gift-giving exercise, we’re alssso hosting a special raffle exclusssive to the many cats of the Pen.” Wyvern pulls out of a set of scratched up tickets and waves them in the air, ignoring the troglyodyte cleaning crew that shoves the molten milk tray out of harm’s way with a broom. “The firssst two predatory catsss to call in via crystal ball will receive a free ticket that entitles them to use Woody the Office Door as a scratching post. Jussst don’t tell Woody who sent ya…” Wyvern winks to the cameras, then swings his tail and accidentally burns some of the yarn attached to it as it passes by the Molten Milk tray. “This raffle offer doesssn’t apply to CheerMynx, by the way.” Wyvern adjusts his catnip attire and ties a jingly ball to one of his horns for good measure, then crosses his arms over his chest and glances over at Katzaniel’s shaman hourglass clock. “No, the Almost-Intern-turned-celebrity-actresss-who-can’t-stick-around-for-a-measly-Report has something else in store, I’m afraid…”

I like this poem as well, Feste. :-) The pacing of the words and use of alliteration both make it stand out, and I also like the way the last stanza of the poem goes into a more casual tone without sounding super forced. The mixed order of the words at the beginning of the third stanza was cool as well. And no worries about the title... if it's too personal for you to put into writing, a lot of great poems remain untitled. ;-) Thanks for sharing.

The news cameras blur into focus as a tune that sounds like an automated ringtone bleeps away in the background, replacing the typical Almost Report kazoo medley with a more synthetic vibe. CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ looks extra polished and sparkly clean for the Report, with last week’s dojo accessories gone in favor of glass podium displays showing off the latest in Almost Dragonic Brand Technology. A rock shaped like a plug labeled “Almost Dragonic Brand Troll Cave Anti-Adapter™” is displayed in one corner while a wooden slingshot with a rubber band attached to it labeled “Almost Dragonic Brand Automatic Tri-Fire Goblin Slingshot™” rests in the other. A robot created out of coat hangars and prosthetic limbs slowly rolls in front of the cameras, then lifts a small sign that reads “Almost Report Episode #98 ‘Macrohard,’ Take 1” before snapping the upper half of it down with enough force to break the sign in two. The robot turns with a jerk and begins rolling off-screen as Wyvern steps into the room, followed by two robots with make-up puffs for hands that are putting some finishing touches to the lizard’s ensemble. Wyvern adjusts his grey suit and wyvern scale tie as he approaches the center of the room. He spreads his claws and grins at the cameras as the two make-up bots turn to exit, ignoring the extra set of dangerous scissor hands the robots have been supplied with for hair styling. “Greetingsss… welcome to a new year, and a new more financially efficient Almost Report.” Wyvern winks to the cameras, then waits for a few minutes as a cheap robot with a serving platter for a head passes by balancing a bottle of Bruteweiser. Wyvern plucks it up with a claw, then opens it using a jagged can opener that the robot has for a nose. “In cassse you haven’t noticed, our troglyodytes have taken leave for thisss Report in favor of some new technological feats. Major sssavings, plus the crew requested a post New Years holiday anyhow. Not sure where they essscaped to, though I heard something about a sewage bathing spa...” Wyvern reaches over and taps a button on a watch-like wristband that he’s wearing, causing a robot shaped like a reclining chair to emerge behind him. The overgrown lizard ignores the clear lack of stability at the cheap robot’s base as he seats himself on the shaky and altogether uncomfortable chair, his Bruteweiser bottle tipped in claw. “Almost Dragonic Brand Technology – cheap, affordable, inexpensssive, non-pricey and 99% safe.” Wyvern fidgets in the robo-chair to try to get his tail comfortable while a robot with wrecking balls for hands wanders around dusting CheerMynx’s room with a feather duster. “So if you’re giving a presssent to someone, why not make it Almost Dragonic Brand Technology? The gift that keepsss on giving (until you run out of geld). A perfect choice for the new belated gift-giving exercise in the Cabaret, amongssst other things.” Wyvern takes a swig of his Bruteweiser, then smacks his lips with a smile and flicks his tongue out at the cameras. “Of courssse, if gift-giving ain’t your thing, the technology can also be applied to the calculation of quatrainsss or the placement of firssst lines in the Banquet Room.” Wyvern lifts himself from the robo-seat and stretches his wings, then taps another button on his wristband. “But don’t take it from me. Sssee what this week’s Almost Intern has to sssay about the products!” Wyvern forces a grin and strikes a claws up as a robot made out of cheap wiring jerks its way into the room. A crooked mop head rests on the robot’s metal mini-scalp, and the pink pompoms the robot has for hands align with two purple pompoms glued to its chest. The wholly unattractive “Intern” turns in the direction of the cameras with a jerky wave. “Like. Tot-ally. Wy-vern.” Wyvern continues forcing a grin for a minute or so before slumping his shoulders with a miserable sigh. “OK OK, so she’ssss no CheerMynx obviously… but at leassst the software these systems run on is moderately safe.” Wyvern snaps a claw triumphantly. “Yeah, that's right. I hereby declare epissssode #98 of the Almost Report accident fre-” As if on cue, a tiny robot on wheels zooms into the bedroom, knocking over one of the glass podium displays and tripping the Almost Intern bot, which breaks into a million pieces when it hits the floor. Wyvern jumps out of his seat, his eyes following the mini-robot’s rampage. “How did that thing get in here?!” Wyvern’s eyes widen when he notices the “Windows Vista” tag written on the robot invader’s side, and quickly clicks his wristband. “Don’t jussst stand there! Kill it! KILL IT!”

A very raw poem that I can guess was drawn from a very emotional place. I think the Dire Straights "Fade to Black" structure worked well in driving the content of the poem home, as the repetition in the rhyme structure almost had a depressing feel in and of itself. The subject matter of the poem is also very heartfelt, and something that I'm certain more than a few pennites can relate to. Knowing someone you love is in pain and wanting to help them but having no clear means of doing so is a tough thing to struggle with, though the truth is you probably help them more than you know just by being you and showing that you care. Anyway, here's hoping things have improved since this was written. Thanks for sharing your feelings here, Regel.

Cool poem, Cerenza. :-) It read to me sort of like one of those church sermons where the preacher inflicts a fear of Hell into the hearts of the listeners, though the angels crying "Please! My God, let us be..." does add a bit of ambivalence to the piece as the Death of Rats pointed out. Is God being depicted as the enemy, or are they pleading to God to assuage the terror that the enemy is inflicting on them? Either direction is intriguing, but you might consider expanding on one of the directions further in future revisions to clarify it. On another note, I liked the pacing of the piece and felt that the line breaks were well-placed in it. I was uncertain about the capitalization of "Darkness" in the tenth stanza, though... it does distinguish it from the literal "darkness" of the fifth stanza, but feels a tad cliched at the same time. Anyway, thanks for sharing this poem here Cerenza. :-) Here's hoping we get to see more of your works in 2009.

Wanted to take a moment to jot down my thoughts on a few more Euro/NZ candies that I received in the mail for the holiday season. :-) Cadbury Moros - Donning the slogan "More get more go," this candy bar seems to be advertised as some sort of energy bar... even the bold yellow font of the packaging screams "energy booster." In reality, Moros are more like the European Cadbury version of Mars Milkyway, which is fortunate since we all know how terrible energy bars tend to taste. The blend of nougat, caramel and milk chocolate in this bar definitely has a strong Mars influence, though the chocolate of Moros is better since it's Cadbury. Quite good. Cadbury Crunchie - This tasty bar is a blend of crunchy honeycomb and milk chocolate, which may seem simple but which is pretty much unheard of in the US candy bar circuit. The most unique element of this bar is the honeycomb, which is fairly light though very thick compared to the chocolate coating. Normally I'd say that a bar like this is too crunchy for my taste, but I liked the honeycomb filling quite a bit, perhaps because I'm hard-pressed to find any US equivalent for it. Good stuff. Pascall Jet Planes - I'm generally not that big a fan of fruit candies, but I found these chewy fruit planes very flavorful and kind of addictive. There's a certain sourness in them that's edgy compared to a lot of US fruit stuff, and I found myself tearing through a bunch of'em whilst watching a movie. Plus, the shape of these candies were just begging me to catch a private jet to New Zealand or something. Nice candy, even better subliminal message. Pascall Clinkers - I was not quite as big a fan of these as I was of the other candies, but these Clinkers do have their merits. They're shaped like little chocolate eggs but are filled with a crunchy fruit candy interior, the taste of which varies. Out of the three flavors, strawberry was definitely the standout and was downright good after a few tastes, perfectly complimenting the chocolate coating. Lime was an interesting and unusual flavor, but ultimately grew a little tiresome after a couple of tries. The weak link of the bunch was Lemon, though, with its a gummy aftertaste kind of dragging Clinkers down to a lower status than the other candies mentioned. Still, not bad. If they package Clinkers in a strawberry exclusive variety, sign me up! Thanks once again to the feline sender. :-)

Last night, I went and saw K-the-I???, Mister Salty, the Red Fox and Recaal at the Elbo Room in San Francisco. K-the-I??? was the only act in the line-up that I had heard of, but I'm a fan of his extra-chaotic brand of hip hop and was curious to see how he performed live. Fortunately, his style translated surprisingly well to the stage, and all of the opening acts (who I doubted would be good) ended up delivering some good performances as well. The Elbo Room was packed pretty nicely with enthusiastic supporters, which surprised me since I've grown accustomed to the crowds being dead there. I later discovered that it was because many people in the audience knew the acts personally, which doesn't come as a big surprise in retrospect. I arrived to the venue a little later than usual, in the middle of Recaal's set. He seemed to know what he was doing and had a strong punk influence in some of his songs, though the political subject matter of his songs seemed slightly played out. Still, he definitely rapped well and knew how to control his voice and flow in his songs, and the crowd was really into his set and grooving out in the front row. He was not quite as good as the other acts, but was a solid opening act that set things off on a good note. The Red Fox came on next with his friend Earthquake acting as a hype man and occasionally an extra MC. It was Red Fox's birthday that evening and a lot of his friends in the crowd were determined to root for him and show him some love, so the crowd reaction was great throughout his performance. The support was not without merit, however, as Red Fox had another of very good songs in his arsenal and performed them well. One stand out was a track about his home town of San Pablo, which got the people who drove over from there to represent The beats to Red Fox's songs struck me as being particularly impressive, with an RJD2-ish feel to a number of them and a vibe that complimented Red Fox's style well. Good set. Mister Salty was the next to perform, with DJ Turnstyle backing him behind the boards. Mister Salty was the act I was most skeptical of prior to seeing live, as I'd listened to some of his songs on myspace the day before the show and thought that they sounded horrible. I was very pleasantly surprised by his set, however, and found it entertaining as hell. The thing about Mister Salty is that he's not the greatest rapper in the world, with his rapping voice and cadence working against him, but he makes up for it with an excellent sense of humor, some unique beats, and some hilarious subject matter and one-liners. He kicked his set off with a cover of a 1930s dance song (now that's old school!), and proceeded to rap about Elmo and Big Bird being communists over a beat that sampled music from a toothpaste commercial. It seemed like ten people in the crowd lit up blunts simultaneously when his set started, and his entire performance was clouded with thick wafts of marijuanha smoke. He knew how to really entertain the crowd between tracks, and even rapped over a new Daedelus beat to my great surprise and admiration. I don't know if I'd ever risk purchasing one of his CDs, but as a live act Mister Salty gets two thumbs up from me. Super entertaining set. K-the-I??? finished the show off with a super savage set of his off-kilter cadence and rhythms. K-the-I??? has a very unusual style of rapping in which he stays off-beat, yet incorporates his own rhythms into the track, coming off almost like a spoken word artist yelling at the top of his lungs at times. His style might have been disasterous live if it weren't mastered as well as it was, especially considering that he didn't have a DJ with him and switched the tracks himself on an MPC... but he delivered a very strong performance of raw beats and rhymes. There were no gimmicks or special arrangements in his set, he just stood in one place rapping and did every song from his album "Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow," one at a time. The Thavius Beck beats from that album were killer in a club setting, and the amount of passion and energy he put into his rhymes held my interest. Very good set, well worth my time and money! Here's a clip I took of K-the-I??? performing the track "Cell-Shaded/Daydreams/Nightmares," to give you an idea of his style: Great show. :-)

Wyvern slowly lifts the bottle of Bruteweiser Sake to his snout as he absorbs the news, missing his lips and dribbling booze down his cheeks as he stares forward with a somewhat shocked and anxious expression. The overgrown lizard raises a claw and opens his mouth to speak, then shakes the surprise from his noggin and begins scurrying after the Almost Intern as she packs her things. "I-I mean congratsss, b-b-but what if they wanna make a sequel?" Wyvern tries to get CheerMynx's attention unsuccessfully, dodging left and right as the cheerline tosses tantalizing garmets into her sack at an alarming rate. "A-and I mean, wh-what about the sssupporting cast? A-at leassst tell me the names of the handsome male co-starsss?" Wyvern pulls out a small notepad labeled "Death List" and prepares to scribble the names down, then opens his yap again only to have CheerMynx gently cover his mouth with a paw. "Like, don't worry about it Wyvie." CheerMynx grins and raises her other paw in an enthusiastic pose worthy of any Power Rangers episode. Or at least any episode prior to FCC screening. "I'll totally be back before you can say 'CheerMynxcaughtinaHollywoodScandal,' OK?" "Wh-wha-, I-I mean OK, I guess..." Wyvern stands sullen, tail drooped, his blank death list still in hand. He watches as CheerMynx waves and exits with another squeal of excitement, still coming to terms with the fact that she may be moving on to bigger and better things. After a moment of sulking, Wyvern races to the door in time to see the cheerline's tail disappear around a corner at the end of the hall. He raises a claw to his snout and calls after her. "W-will you at leassst send me a copy of the Director's Cut?!"

The loud crashing sound of a gong echoes long before the news cameras flicker to life. The cameras focus on what appears to be the bamboo floor of a dojo, where several troglyodytes are scrambling to recuperate a badly dented gong from the frail hangers that it dropped from. The visuals turn away from the commotion for a moment to pan over the rest of the décor of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which includes several mounted belts in different shades of crimson, a small chocolate mud wrestling ring for training, and a giant Japanese good luck cat statue with its left paw raised. White curtains with advertisements for Almost Dragonic Brand Products hang draped over the cheerline’s walls, styled in jagged Japanese fonts. A miniature Bruteweiser tipper fountain also rests in the corner of the room, its nozzle bobbing up and down each time its been filled. Given the stylish dojo appearance of the quarters, it seemed almost ironic that Mynx’s katana collection was located in a seperate room… “Greetingssss.” The cameras turn in the direction of CheerMynx’s bed, where Wyvern is just raising his head from a brief bow. The overgrown lizard grins and spreads his wings to show off his fancy velvet kimono, which details different archaic symbols of almost dragons across its fabric. He lifts a samurai war mask from its spot crowning his head and lets the thin decorative armor coating his tail region rest at ease. “Ohaiyo Gozaimassssss, and welcome to the Almost Report.” Wyvern reaches into his kimono pocket and pulls out an ornamental throwing dagger, which he proceeds to use as a toothpick. “Join usss as we celebrate the refined art of Ewe-Jitsu in honor of http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?act=...p;m=12&d=29</a>'>Madoka’s birthday and the many samurai sheep at her disposal. We decided againssst broadcasting from Madoka’sss personal dojo in the hopes of avoiding sheep-related injury, but figure that an Almost Dragonic Brand Ewww-Jitsu Bootleg Training Demonstration™ would more than do the trick. It alssso guarantees 50% less wool.” Wyvern hops off of CheerMynx’s bed and quickly wraps the rather loose kimono around his scales, wanting to save off on any unnecessary flashing until the training demonstration reached its segment on the Art of Distracting Opponents by Mooning. The overgrown lizard takes a swig from a flask of Bruteweiser Sake at his disposal, then wipes his snout with the back of his claw and hisses. “One of the first techniquesss you learn in Ewww-Jitsu is the Wolf Identifier Nudge, which requires a degree in sheep’s clothing and at least 3 years of Werewolf game experience.” Wyvern holds up a sheet showing pictures of a white wolf, a grey wolf, and Tanuchan. “Ssspeaking of which, Werewolf XLI is now officially underway for those seeking out training. There’sss also an instructional outpost available for those who like takin’ shortcutsss, like me.” Wyvern pulls out a quill used for Japanese calligraphy and sketches a prosthetic limb over Tanuchan’s picture on the sheet, then tucks it back into his pocket and wanders over to the Bruteweiser tipper fountain. The overgrown lizard lets his armored tail clang back and forth as he dips his forked tongue into the booze, almost getting it caught in the bobbing nozzle. “Another acclaimed technique of Ewww-Jitsssu is the deadly art of Promotional Management Positioning, which can place one’sss salary leagues above the competition. As far as these promotionsss are concerned at the Pen, Ozymandias has noted that http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16473</a>'>new promotionsss will be revived in February.” Wyvern scratches one of his horns as he considers the long wait, then clears his throat and continues. “Until then, I wouldn’t surprised if the Ewww-Jitsu art of Thread Hijacking were applied to that Cabaret announcement... possibly in the near future.” Wyvern lets his tongue absorb the Bruteweiser for a few more seconds, then pulls it out of the fountain only to take another swig from his Bruteweiser Sake bottle. The reptilian reporter swaggers forward, visibly tipsy and ready to enter into a Drunken Almost Kimodo Ewww-Jitsu stance. He hiccups a smoke ring, then takes another long sip from his bottle and hisses: “Comin’ up nexxxt, Almost Report celebrity and resssident pink belt CheerMynx, who’ll hopefully be willing to aid me in a live demonstration of Ewww-Jitsu Sssensitivity Point Poking.” Wyvern licks his lips and rubs his claws together. “Jussst so long as Mynx doesn’t catch wind of anything, I think it'll be an extra fun practice...”

Hi rev! :-) How are things with you these days? Hope you're doing well and that you're having a happy holiday season. In regards to the film, I am aware that the events that "Charlie Wilson's War" dealt with are factual and that the film is intended as a critique of the U.S's foreign policy, but that's not what bothered me about it. I think that a good film could be made about Charlie Wilson and the cold war, a good comedy even, but the acting and more importantly the boring excess of dialogue-driven scenes dragged the film down to me. I think the subject matter is interesting, but the manner in which it's presented is dull and sleep-inducing (and not funny) to me. Interesting that you should bring up "Good Night, and Good Luck," as I felt the same way about that film, though to a lesser extent. I saw "Slumdog Millionaire" recently and liked it quite a bit, though I'm not quite as blown away as some of the masses praising it. On the plus side, the premise and the screenplay of the film are very original and engaging, and constantly kept me interested for the film's duration. It revolves around a boy from the slums of India participating and succeeding in the Indian version of the game show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?," only to be pulled aside and interrogated by the police after the second-to-last round. The police suspect he's cheating, and he has to explain to them how his life experiences led him to the answer of each of the questions. Plenty of original twists and interesting concepts ensue, and the casting and photography of India are great as well. The one thing that bothered me in this movie was the camerawork, which was shaky and all-over-the-place to the point of being annoying at times. By the end of the film, I kind of wished they'd filmed it in a more conventional manner... still, it's worth your time if you want to check out something a little different.

Wyvern's eyes glittered intensely as the geld piece clinked in his mouth with a sound that could only belong to his precious metal of choice. The faint metallic taste was instantly recognizable to the lizard as well, as was the glimmer of his saliva along the surface after spitting it from his mouth. Wyvern's wings trembled in an excited manner as he lifted the box of coins and pressed it to his billboarded chest, his eyes growing extra wide and glassy while his lower lip quivered. "Jussst what I've alwaysss wanted! CheerMynx, how did ya know?" Wyvern turned his toothy grin in the Almost Intern's direction to thank her more personally, only to frown slightly as found that the cheerline had already disappeared into her crowd of adoring fans. "CheerMynxie? W-wait!" Wyvern attempted to rush into the crowd to give CheerMynx a proper amount of affection, but was blockaded by two heavy-set trolls wearing bootleg Triska B'Shell tees. Wyvern attempted to squeeze between them, then around them, then under them, than above them with no success. The overgrown lizard stretched his neck and tilted his head in the hopes of at least catching a last glimpse of the angelic cheerline, but his view was obscured by large troll clubs. He let out a long hiss of frustration, then stomped a foot on the ground and stormed back over to CheerMynx's bed. He seated himself with a huff and crossed his arms over his bent billboard chest, then grumbled to himself and glanced down at a kitten in angel attire sitting at his feet. "What're you looking at?" Wyvern hissed at the kitten's innocent expression, venting and ignoring its meek meowl. "Shouldn't you be watching over a religious litter box somewhere or something?" The kitten meowled again, only to spring forward and land on Wyvern's face just as the lizard attempted to shove it to the side with his tail. Wyvern cursed and reached for the kitten to pull it off, only to find have his claws pulled back by other kitten minions in angel outfits. The minions planted their halos around Wyvern's claws and into CheerMynx's mattress, pinning the lizard down and rendering him immobile. Other kitten minions began springing up onto the mattress, pawing Wyvern curiously and gently waving their tails in his face. "W-w-wait, HAHAHA! That HAHA tickles HAHAHAW!" Wyvern tried to signal for help with his tail, only to have kitten minion begin playing with his stinger like a toy. "NOooooHAHAHAoooo! CheerMynx! HAHAW hellllp! HAWHAWHAWHAW!"

The news cameras tune in to a festive mixture of reds and greens, which are available thanks to sets of Miniature Blood Bottle To-Gos (provided by VampHigher Bottling Corp) and Deluxe Vine Hangers (provided by Teantech). Glittery white décor has also been strung over CheerMynx’s walls courtesy of Used Glitter Ghost Sheets (provided by Spectre-rama), and a sign labeled “The Almost Report – brought to you by the Mighty News” hangs over the head of CheerMynx’s bed. Wyvern sits under the sign, dressed in a large torso-sized billboard for the Ciao Bella modeling agency, as well as super short cut jeans with the words “Dress Less for More” embroidered on them. Stringy green Fairy Fall Mall flyers flap around on the overgrown lizard’s horns, and two large buckets of Curly Onion Cheese Canes (provided by Cholesterol Holiday Hall) sit at his side. Wyvern’s pride has stooped so low that he even wears a pet collar from the Adopt a Mythical Pet store around his neck, clearly visible to the viewership in an effort to promote another outlet. Wyvern takes a deep breath and turns his head to the cameras with a slightly solemn look. “Greetingssss, and welcome to the Almost Report. Brought to you by Louise Elve-itton, VampHigher Bottling Corp, Dolce & Dragona, Treantech, AoA Chocolate Confectionaries, Spectre-rama, Horizon Portable Crystal Balls, Cholesterol Holiday Hall, Goblin Jim’s Wreck Shop, Adopt a Mythical Pet, Battle Horn Depot, Dress Less for More, Idiot’s Flashlight Group, Fairy Fall Mall, Necromicon, Ciao Bella modeling agency, Mighty Pen Garden Gnome Recreation Center, Planeswalker Void Balance Tours, and the Mighty Newsss.” Wyvern cringes a bit upon mentioning the name of the rival Report, then catches his breath and bites his tongue before he can spit any obscenities about Bob Soluberrin. “A happy holidayssss to all the pennite’s out there. Here’s hoping you invessst in Almost Dragonic Brand Stocking Emptiers™ this Christmas, amongssst other products.” Wyvern grunts and shifts himself off of CheerMynx’s bed, his outfit creaking as his cramped wings press against the back of the billboard. The overgrown lizard grumbles something under his breath as he passes one of the many news troglyodytes wearing elf outfits, the little green hats and ears failing to stand out as much as CheerMynx’s previous take on elves had. Wyvern hobbles his way over to a Christmas elf garden gnome that rests at the left end of the room, and strikes a claws up and a cheesy grin as he poses with it for a moment. “In Pen newsss, the Almost Report would like to send its belated birthday wishes to Finniusss and Sweetcherrie, who celebrated last week. If pennites haven’t indulged in enough holiday consssumerism yet, this is the perfect opportunity to buy even more gifts from some of the Almost Report’s favorite sssponsors!” Wyvern pauses as the company names that he had previously listed flash across the screen in ultra-rapid succession, with each of the names appearing for only a split second. Wyvern’s eyes go dizzy as he attempts to follow the flow of names, and he catches his balance on an Horizon Portable Crystal Ball display just in time for a few flashing cameras to take his picture for promotional purposes. “In further headlines, a new Pen Werewolf game is now available for sssign-up in the Conservatory. http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16466</a>'>Werewolf XLI (Xmas Lycanthrope Initiative) isss a new Werewolf game in the ssspirit of Christmas, only with rabid carnivorous wolves driving the slay sleigh instead of reindeer. They seem to be a little short-staffed at the moment, so join in to find out what everybody's howling about!” Wyvern pauses and cringes for a moment as the back of his billboard begins to bend under the push of his wings, his horn fliers also dangling in front of his eyes repeatedly. The lizard passes his scheduled flashlight stop and retreats back over to CheerMynx’s bed, his tail flicking nervously between his legs. He hisses a deep breath and takes a seat before continuing. “And in broadcasting news, lassst week’s premiere of the heartthrob teen drama Dawgrim’s Reek was a success amongst its target goblin audience. In total, it grossed some odd ones out and appealed to most of’em. I hear that Dawgrim’s fainting spellsss were particularly sexy, though rather obviously acted out *ahem.*” Wyvern clears his throat and tugs at his lizard collar, sweating just at the thought of last week’s multiple rehearsals. “Err, let’ssss hope it’s ‘to be continued’ though eh?” With that, Wyvern bows to the cameras and proceeds to go about his personal affairs as the names of the different sponsors fly by the screen again. The overgrown lizard glances left and right to make sure that no one is watching, then carefully reaches into one of his pants pockets and pulls out a little card. The card features no corporate endorsement, no Almost Dragonic Brand label, and no expensive embellishments of any kind… only a picture made of torn and pasted void checks. The picture seems to be one of Wyvern and CheerMynx holding hands, though the level of artistry is not very high and CheerMynx’s hand could just as well be her tail. Wyvern licks his lips and carefully tucks the present under CheerMynx’s pillow in exactly the same spot that he’d tucked last year’s comb, somehow assuming that the cheerline won’t check there again…

Wyvern kneels down and scoops up some of the whipped sausage left over from Ran's ninja minion abuse, gathering as much food as he can in light of the barbecue drawing to a close. The overgrown lizard's tongue slowly rolls back into his mouth as he turns his head towards Harmony again, admiring the magical hue of her dress now that her muse has reverted to a less menacing state. "Oooo, Almost-Magical Chameleon Silk... I thought they ssstopped fabricating that stuff after some king tried wearing it and it went transssparent?" Wyvern shuffles past Kikuyu and narrowly avoids crushing the Grim Squeaker underfoot as he moves within licking range of Harmony again. "Hope ya don't mind, may I...?" Wyvern pulls out a pair of phony spectacles to give himself an air of authority as well as a can of Almost Dragonic Brand Canned Hidden Camera™ for some physical documentation. He begins inspecting the lining of Harmony's dress with careful pokes while recording large numbers of a scrap of paper, signifying price estimations (or perhaps measurements, if the overgrown lizard's imagination was running away with itself again). Wyvern attempts to lift the hem of the dress to examine the fabric underneath, but is clobbered by Degorram, Kikuyu, and Harmony almost simultaneously. He collapses into a puddle of ketchup and barbecue sauce that had formed from Dego and Kikuyu's frank battle, his canned camera rolling to the side as a visible bump forms between two scales on his head.

Cool poem Hjolnai. :-) I liked the metaphorical descriptions of the martial artist's techniques, with the rain drop one standing out to me in particular. My favorite parts of the poem, however, were the segments that tapped into the martial artist's weaknesses, such as the many things he misses and the emotions that are now dead to him. The contrast between the fighter's technique and his more human elements was the most interesting part of the poem to me, and you might even consider expanding the parts about the things he misses to give us more insight into why those he protects hold his emotions for him. Just a potential thought for future revisions, though... the poem reads nicely as it stands. :-) Thanks for sharing it.

Haha, I enjoyed this as well Kikuyu. :-) I have to admit that I was personally rooting for the samurai to prove himself victorious in the drinking match, but my favorite moment was definitely the ninja's response to how he drinks the sake with his mask on: "Ninja." I also like how the story makes fun of itself, with the various references to the reader and the different cliches it incorporates. Very cool stuff, thanks for sharing. :-)

I saw two bad movies recently, "Quantum of Crap" and "Charlie Wilson's Bore." "Quantum of Crap" is the latest James Bond film, starring Daniel Craig as Bond and some random good-looking girl as the heroine-whose-name-I-forget. "Casino Royale" was nice enough, so I went to this with decent expectations, in the mood for some of Bond's typical smooth action, snappy one-liners, and Double-O 7 debonair. Unfortunately, "Quantum of Crap" was one of the worst Bond films I've seen since "Goldeneye," with little to salvage it other than an opera montage scene. A relative of mine remarked in the theater that the film felt more like an Indiana Jones adventure film than a James Bond thriller, and in retrospect I would have to agree with that statement... this film lacks the elegance and wit displayed in most Bond films. Craig showed that he could tap into Bond's suave side in "Casino Royale," but that element is severely lacking here and the action scenes aren't nearly as cool without a snappy Bond. The heroine of the picture was also not as talented as Eva Green in "Casino Royale," and the film felt kind of rushed and incomplete to me on the whole. On the positive side of things, it did get me revisiting older Bond movies in an effort to wash the taste of my mouth, including the superb "From Russia with Love" and "Her Majesty's Secret Service." Thumbs down to "Quantum of Crap," thumbs up to the other two mentioned. "Charlie Wilson's Bore" is a comedy about the cold war starring Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts and the uber-talented Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I happened to catch it on TV for free, and since one of my relatives felt like watching it I decided to join him. If there's one thing this film made me realize, it's that I find Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts both a bit overrated, as neither of them impressed in this movie. Phillip Seymour Hoffman did a very good job in his part and could have salvaged the movie if the problems ended with the acting, but the truth of the matter is that the screenplay of the film is just straight-up boring. I'm a big fan of dialogue, but "Charlie Wilson's Bore" was one long drawn-out conversation after another, and I really felt that they could have made the pacing better. There were also very few scenes that I found funny in the film, and it seemed to be struggling for laughs from intellectual types at times. Thumbs down, watching this is like engaging in your own miniature cold war with boredom.

The broadcasting cameras flicker on to what appears to be the Mighty Pen’s Library, only decked out to resemble some sort of upper-grade high school library. The choice of high school décor for the library is rather odd, however, as tiny discarded bones rest in the pencil cases and a long chain of complicated keys rests where a set of library cards might have been. The sections of the library have also been re-tagged and simplified for the program, with the “Agriculture,” “Biological Science” and “Human Resources” sections collectively labeled with a large sloppy “Food” sign. A moldy crate of mead has also replaced the water fountain, and the furniture is decidedly smaller and less expensive than the library’s typical accommodations. A low kazoo blows like some kind of cheesy sax in the background as the title of the show flashes across the screen in a nauseatingly jagged font. Dawgrim’s Reek (sponsored by Almost Dragonic Brand Goblin Dynamite Rucksacks™) The music continues playing after the title disappears, and is accompanied by a troglyodyte-generated cheering and applause track as Wyvern steps under the red “now filming” tape and into the library. The thick black hair that rests between the lizard’s horns has a wavy “pretty boy” feel to it, not to mention enough conditioner to flash full reflections across its surface. The extra-large green goblin school vest and slacks that Wyvern wears suit him surprisingly well, though the giant withered ornamental rose that’s pinned to the front of the lizard’s vest is excessive even by teen soap opera standards. A troglyodyte dressed in a brown hobgoblin outfit paces next to Wyvern, a script clearly extended in one of his webbed hands. “So uh, Dawgrim.” The troglyodyte reads his words one at a time, enunciating each one in true cheap soap opera fashion. “Home Hogswill is coming up. Who are you asking out to it?” Wyvern pauses at the troglyodyte’s question and strikes a pose, evoking another round of cheering from the soundtrack. The overgrown lizard tosses his Almost Dragonic Brand Goblin Dynamite Rucksack™ (the only rucksack built for dynamite goblins) to the side with a single claw motion, evoking an unscripted crashing bookshelf sound in the background. “Well Gurt, I’ve already got Shara and Lemn in the bag… or should I say Almost Dragonic Brand Goblin Dynamite Rucksack™?” Wyvern grins and pulls a beak bone comb from his back pocket, twirling it before brushing it back through his smooth hair. He combs with so much enthusiasm that his wig falls to the floor mid-stroke, causing him to stumble over his lines for a moment. “But y’know Gurt, Trisssska, errr *ahem* Triska is my current interest. Aside from Kaurly, she’s the only one for me.” “You are seeing Triska now?” The troglyodyte continues to read his lines a completely bored manner. “Be careful there, Dawgrim. I heard once you get with her, there is no turning back. She is the she fox of… Go-bu-larr-d? Gobulard Academy.” “You think I can’t handle a lady, Gurt?” Wyvern scoops up his wig from the floor with his tail stinger and plops it back onto his head… backwards. “I’ve been jugglin’ Lemn and Rassa since we first started ‘Fire Making (Stick Rubbing)’ classes at the ol’ Academy. No chick can dominate ME with their charm. I’m the reekiest!” The kazoo blows like a sax again in the background to accentuate the reptilian actor’s bold statement. “Speaking of which, I have my first really hot make-out date with Triska behind the Library’s ‘Pet’ section stacks tonight. Don’t you have to go study, Gurt?” The troglyodyte actor nods his head and stands in place silently. After a few minutes, Wyvern clears his throat and repeats the line. “Don’t you have to go study, Gurt?” “Yes.” Silence. “Just GO dammit!” Wyvern stomps a foot on the floor and gestures towards the exit, causing the troglyodyte to remember his cue and race the heck off of the set. The overgrown lizard huffs to himself and shakes his head at the troglyodyte, then begins jittering in spite of himself as he makes his way over to the ‘Pet’ section of the library. The infinite potential of the script called for him to be dominated and seduced by his favorite Almost Intern as Triska, and all he had to do was play it cool to advance that far in the script. All he had to do was not stumble over his lines, or get so over-excited that he blows a fuse… Easier said than done?

Wyvern wails and darts off in a flash after CheerMynx, barging past several cameramen and nearly ramming the cheerline’s bedroom door off of its hinges. The overgrown lizard soars into the next room and slides to an awkward halt on the floor in front of CheerMynx, leaving several trampled cameras and one extra-trampled scriptwriter in his wake. “WAIT, wait CheerMynx, there’ssss been a terrible misssunderstanding!” Wyvern grovels at the Almost Intern’s feet and tears at the former script in his claws, cringing a little more with each of the cheerline’s sobs. “The only idiotssss I can think of at the moment are the ssscriptwriter and Melba, wherever that old hag is now.” “*sob* you think I’m *sniffle* like, stupid or something? *sniff*” “NO nonono, not at all! I-I mean, between your ssstudies, your bright ideasss, and your keen sssense of fashion, you’re far from the regular Almost Intern. Definitely ahead of the curv- err, curb.” Wyvern flashes his best apologetic eyes, his tongue un-knotting itself as CheerMynx stops crying. “Heck, I’d even be willing to sssay that you’re smarter than My-“ Wyvern freezes and cuts his sentence short as he notices a steely flash of recognition cross CheerMynx’s eyes. He gulps and suppresses his shivers as he watches the cheerline’s gaze slowly turn towards Mynx’s gigantic weapon-rack… “M-m-my-m-me. Me. Eheheheh. Heh.”