Wyvern

The lights of the Conservatory slowly begin to dim as rows of seats are filled with rowdy Pen males, who grin and mumble to one another as they glance towards the large curtained stage that has been set up at the center of the room. Many of the men take out notepads as they sit, eager to jot down details on each of the bachelorettes available in order to better woo them over the course of the auction period. Xaious the Master of Time and Riven sit in two adjacent seats around the middle row of the audience, silently eyeing the microphone stand and the dim rotating spotlight as they impatiently await the start of the event. “So, any idea of who’s hosting this?” mumbles Riven, shifting left and right as Stick fidgets in the seat in front of him. “From what I’ve heard, Ayshela might be introducing them in a two-piece suite” says Xaious, grinning as he stares directly over the head of Mr. Bunny. “Or maybe it’ll be Salinye in a bunny outfit. Who knows, they might have even hired Tzimfemme…” Riven’s eyes widen further and further as Xaious lists the potential options, and he turns towards the Master of Time in disbelief once he’s finished. Xaious shrugs and grins upon seeing this, taking out a pair of high-power binoculars labelled “copyright 2017” and muttering: “Don’t worry Riven, I got you covered.” Mr. Bunny turns towards Xaious for a moment to flash him a quick “…” that can only imply “quiet, please,” and the lights of the Conservatory begin dimming again. A silence falls over the crowd as all eyes turn towards the stage and a drum roll cues up in the background, the spotlight brightening to focus on the area of the microphone stand. From some unknown location, the voice of Sexy the Elder Dwarf booms throughout the chamber, amplified through hidden loudspeakers: “And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… The Mighty Pen’s First Annual Bachelorette Auction!” A monstrous cheer arises from the crowd. “And heeeeere’s your host… that sinner amongst sinners, that greedy and lustful schemer, that infamous role model for everything negative in the Pen: Wyyyyverrrrn!” Xaious and Riven stare in disbelief, their jaws dropping in disappointment as Wyvern walks onto the stage wearing a Christmas outfit, with two mistletoes attached to his horns instead of a traditional Santa cap. The overgrown lizard nervously adjusts the wrapping paper ribbon around his neck and raises his claws defensively as several groans of disappointment echo from the audience, grabbing the microphone and hissing: “N-now gentlemen… I know you’re still slightly peeved at me for the manner I presented you in the last Carnival Auction, but pleassse gimme a chance. I’m gonna do better with the galsss, I promise!” With that, the overgrown lizard snaps a scaly finger and the curtains are drawn back, revealing a large movie projector screen. Whipping out a remote control, the overgrown lizard presses a button on it in the hopes of cuing up a brief video clip, but accidentally switches the channels of the Pen Poem Discovery Booth instead. Fiddling with the control in confusion, the reptilian Elder changes the images on a projector located in the Athenaeum of the Pen and turns the Conservatory lights on and off several times before he finally manages to get the screen working. As soon as he’s managed to turn it on, the lizard pauses it and turns towards the crowd. “Well then, thisss evening I’ll be introducing the many lovely Pen bachelorettes available for bidding in this auction. Thanks to our change in location from the Cabaret Room to the Conservatory, a brief video clip will also be offered for each of them by means of this movie screen. The ladies will be presented in alphabetical order.” With that, the overgrown lizard presses ‘Play’ on the remote, cuing up a video clip of Alaeha sitting at a carnival booth next to Elrohir. She slowly leans in and plants a soft kiss on his cheek, flashing a mischievous look with her eyes. “This half-elven babe goes by the name of Alaeha. Standing at 5’6” with short blond hair, she’s a talented Spellsinger and can use her songs as a powerful form of ‘persuasion,’ which is quite a nice to thing to have in dating. I’ve found that she’s rather difficult to convince when it comes to playing intense games of Twister… but let’s face it: those pale lavender eyes of hers ain’t exactly thanking Elrohir for the price of the booth in that clip.” The overgrown lizard snickers to himself and hits ‘Play’ again, which starts up a clip of Annael sitting on a window ledge. She extends a hand and watches as a small group of butterflies flies from it, smothering giggles and swinging her legs back and forth while wiggling her bare toes. “Next on the list of bachelorettes is beautiful Annael, the angel with the tilted halo. 5’8”, with curly black hair and a set of wings to match… supposedly she’s losing her feathers, but even without’em she’d be angelic. She loves butterflies and can be commonly found resting in the Pen’s largest oak tree – ideal private romantic picnic, anyone? She’s also quick to be affectionate, and can sooth even the wildest of animals. That’s right, Aardvark, I’m talking to you!” With that, the overgrown lizard grins and clicks ‘Play’ again, turning the video to an image of Ayshela descending a staircase. Her elven slenderness is accentuated by a faintly clinging gown, which teases the eyes with deep swirling colours as her reddish brown hair flows behind her prettily like a cloak. “Here we have Ayshela, third in the list of Pen bachelorettes. In addition to being another Pen beauty, she’s one of the masterminds behind the Winter Carnival, which means you could probably draw a bit of earned geld out of her if you gave her a good enough kiss. And speaking of kisses, she’s quite a kisser if kissing booths are any indication, and is a frequent hug-tackler at that. She also sings and dances with the best of the elves, and is perfect at getting people to drop their towels… by accident.” Wyvern deeply blushes as he’s suddenly overcome by a very vivid memory, and holds his bleeding snout as he takes out a sheet of paper. “The next Pen bachelorette is Hanna Lanett Walker. 5’3”, with medium to olive skin, fashionably dyed black/red hair, and a very distinct hatred for men. That’s right guys, she’s one of those challenging love/hate types that's just begging to be cracked open. According to this profile, she also “Loves to drink,” “likes to dominate,” and is “good at keeping secrets,” which is one of the dreamiest combos I’ve seen so far! *ahem* No good footage of her yet, unfortunately, but that’s certain to change after a date or two. Next up.” Wyvern aims the remote again and presses ‘Play,’ and a clip of Horace standing in an area of the Underworld cues up. She exclaims “Oh yes master!” between excited breaths, continuing “I can do that for you, sure as sure. Just give me something to put him in-“ “This bachelorette’s name is Horace, and don’t let her formal business attire fool you, she’s a charismatic demon babe under that ordinary-looking outfit. It’s all Lucifer’s fault for telling her to tuck her tail in and hide her horns in her bangs, not to mention her “other horns” in that suite. Honestly, I question Hell’s motives nowadays… I mean, who doesn’t like scaly red tails and horns, right?! She’s also never seen without her briefcase and has been called evil before, so she’s definitely my kinda gal. This cutey is also flexible, if not a bit clumsy, and rarely feels any pain… so definitely worth a couple bids!” Wyvern sticks out his reptilian tongue and clicks the remote again, pressing ‘Play’ and switching the screen to an image of Mynx in the process. Covered in stylish white tiger fur, she casts her icy blue eyes to the camera and purrs “Hey baby, like the winter look?” “Our next bachelorette is Mynx, a very pretty blend of the feminine and the feline. She’s 5’7” and slender with a new arrangement of winter fur, and the grace and strength of the finest of tigers. In fact, you could probably even give her the affectionate nickname “tiger” and she wouldn’t mind it... score! It seems that the cold of Winter has resulted in a heavy petting season, as she is actually auctioning herself to any two bidders for the two different moods she can be in. So you can choose between a reasonable or a cheerful version of Mynx when you bid, which brings both class and variety to the table!” Wyvern brushes a hand over the scales on his head to straighten them and hits ‘Play’ again, cuing up a clip of PS dancing skilfully in a conga line. She turns to the camera and brightly exclaims “check out my moves! I’d like to see a vampire try to resist this!” “PS is the name of this energetic little bachelorette. A nice, earthy girl that’s very gentle and friendly, and can quilt and build huts like the best of Almost Dragonic manufacturers. She’s also blind, which could potentially result in some kinky love-related games, though getting carried away might cause her pet rat to attack you… or cause any private huts she might have built to collapse, for that matter. Still, definitely give her a shot for a date, since I’m sure she’s well-versed in matters of the heart. And Tamaranis, Vlad, and Black – I think that was a challenge she issued in that video clip!” Wyvern grins and then takes out a sheet of paper, turning to the audience and hissing: “Another bachelorette who we have no footage of currently, but who seems very intriguing indeed, is Rhapsody. She’s half liringlas, or “skysinger,” and half human, meaning she offers the best of both fairy-like and human qualities. She’s braved the fires of the center of the Earth, which has resulted in a supernatural beauty that’s nothing short of astounding. That’s right folks, no burn markings on this package… Ms. Rhapsody actually regained her maidenhood and perfected her features through her travels, to the point where (and I quote) ‘men stare in awe and often become aroused on sight.’ Best of all, she seems to be under some false notion that men of the Pen actually have some shred of dignity about their character, which makes this little madonna a perfectly exploitable target of affection! Be warned though: make your moves too quickly, and she might pick up on them in dreams… but hey, make them well enough, and that might actually add to the mood!” Wyvern cackles evilly and folds the paper into an airplane, tossing it into the crowd and winking as he whips out the remote control again. Clicking on ‘Play,’ the screen brightens up again to reveal a clip of Salinye Celestialgrace, walking across a stage and dressed in absolutely stunning attire. Her strapless gown of pure white dazzles the eyes of the Conservatory crowd, blowing the minds of even those who had seen it previously at Merelas’ Fashion Show, its tiny ice blue snow flakes glimmering in a festive manner that beautifully contrasts with the pearls around her revealing neck. The crowd stares agape as Wyvern involuntarily rewinds the short snippet several times, his beady eyes following her every movement with each new take. “Th-this Salinye. 5’9”. High elf, very high elf. Pretty. Fun. C-Carnival head. Pretty. Kind. F-Fun and elegent. High elf… nice dress. Good date. Preetttty.” After he’s managed to finish stammering this, Wyvern slaps himself across the face, grumbling about how he knew he shouldn’t have used that particular video footage and turning to the audience. Noticing that they’re completely entranced with the video as well and aren’t paying any attention to his words, the lizard breaths a sigh of relief and presses ‘Play’ again, switching the clip to one of Shadows standing next to Ozymandias at a doorway. She gives the Loremaster a small kiss on the cheek and then smiles, whispering “I really did have a lovely evening. Let’s do it again some time.” “Yet another babe of a bachelorette, Shadows stands at 5’5” with long wavy brown hair, green eyes, and a penchant for showing off good looks. A very wilful and independent bachelorette that practices martial arts and is ‘rarely seen without a skirt’… do I sense a kind of subtle challenge here? She’s also in the know about her sister PS, which could be useful… who knows, if you’re lucky, you could win both of’em and go for a double wammy! Good times.” The reptilian Elder snickers and presses ‘Play’ again, watching as the movie screen switches to a clip of Wrenwind walking through a tavern until she faces an unidentifiable figure. She softly says “Now Sir I would dance with you” as a romantic song begins to play in the background, then turns to the camera and winks as she says “This is for you too.” “Nearing the end of our list yet never losing steam, the next bachelorette on auction is Lady Wrenwind, who is perhaps one of the sweetest yet. Aside from her beautiful dark brown hair and hauntingly opalescent eyes, you will be treated to an excellent sense of good taste and an utterly kind-hearted spirit. To elaborate, allow me to draw upon my personal experience.” With that, the lizard drops to his scaly knees, his eyes growing wide and glassy as Sexy the Elder Dwarf dashes out onto the stage with a violin. The dwarf begins playing “She’ll be Coming ‘Round the Mountain When She Comes,” only to be interrupted as the lizard slams his tail down angrily, at which point the music switches to a generic sad and contemplative melody. The spotlight falls on Wyvern as his claws tremble and he exclaims: “Oh, she is so subtle in her ways! Indeed, there were hints from the moment she planted that kiss on my cheek in that Tag game a couple months ago, signs leading all the way up to her admitting to my being cute in a full letter of admiration. Oh Wrenwind, you have such good tastes when it comes to choosin-“ “Save it fer the date, lizard!” cries an angered member of the audience, tossing an empty bag of popcorn at the reptilian host over several shouts of approval. “We didn’t come here to listen to your love problems. You prolly won’t be able to afford her anyway, HA!” Wyvern lets out a lengthy sigh as Sexy the Elder Dwarf rushes back off of the stage, not wanting to stick around for any larger tossed objects. Lifting himself to his feet, Wyv takes out his remote control again, aiming it at the screen and pressing the ‘Play’ button. The video switches to a clip of Zariah untying the ribbon of a box in her Pen quarters, which she opens to reveal an enticing strapless knee-length dress, with satin trim on the top and the bottom. “Last but most definitely not least in the Pen bachelorette listing is the Pen’s one and only Crowgirl, Zariah. Her date with Gwaihir suggested an innocent timidity not present in many of the other bachelorettes, and she offers a unique dating experience through her affinity with crows and nature. She’s another sweety, and chances are you’ll be cawing in the language of love by the time the evening is out. C’mon now Gryphon, you know you’re tempted.” Having said this, the overgrown lizard flashes a grin of razor sharp teeth and presses a different button on the remote, switching the channels of the Pen Poem Discovery Booth in the process. Scratching his scaly head in confusion, the lizard fiddles with the buttons again, turning the Conservatory lights on and off and cuing up several sound effects before he finally presses one that lights up the screen with the phrase: “Place your bids! PM your top three date selections to Ayshela along with the amount of earned geld you wish to part with, and have a wonderful holiday.” Nodding in approval, the reptilian Elder swiftly bows to the audience, then hisses: “And that concludes the Pen bachelorette introduction summary for this Winter Carnival. There’s a chance that the bachelorettes themselves may come out on stage shortly to answer any of your questions, but I believe that my work as host is done here. A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Flight!” With that, the overgrown lizard takes off in the direction of the Conservatory exit just as an angry mob of Pen bachelorettes bursts into the opposite end of the room, brandishing holly bobs as nooses as they turn to avenge themselves against the lizard and his insinuative, out-of-context video clips and descriptions… ;-)

Wyvern glumly pops the tiny leaf of lettuce into his mouth, nodding to Guido and then turning in glee as Pedro's army of waiters marches into the dining room with his meal. Rubbing his scaly claws together in anticipation and grinning in approval, the lizard tightens the bib around his neck and hisses: "'Mind Over Matter,' eh? Well, as long as it isn't about minding your manners, it sounds like it could be some potentially bootleggable material. Now, if you'll excuse me, it'sss time to eat." With that, Wyvern jumps out of his seat and dives straight into the mouth of the gargantuan sea serpent, causing several waiters to jump as he sets about devouring it from the inside. Pedro silently strokes his moustach and watches in fascination as the sea serpent slowly begins losing its fat and flesh, nodding in approval at the lizards eating methods as its bones slowly begin collapsing until only a thin layer of scales remains. Wyvern pops out of these scales and immediatly turns towards the gorgon platter, dislodging its horns as to not obstruct his eating and savouring the exceptional taste of its statue pebbles. Once he's finished chewing on the last of its hooves, the lizard grins and turns towards the chimera as he breaks out the serious silverware. Cutting off each of its three heads using a sword and a pitchfork, the reptilian Elder sniffs them to assure that the distinct flavouring of hydra drool is there, then sets about slowly chewing on each of them. He saves the tail of the once-mighty beast for last, consuming it in a single slurp and licking his scaly lips in pleasure. The lizard lets out an enormous belch as he makes his way across the table to the ogre club sandwich, opening it and stuffing it with some of the flame elemental and golem platter before consuming the monstrous affair in a single bite. The waiters back away as the lizard suddenly begins racing around the room in pain, clutching his throat due to the heat of the flame elemental and golem components of the sandwich until he's washed it down with some of the shipwreck mead. Wyvern then takes the leg of satyr and tosses it into the the remains of the flame elemental and golem platter, eating them in unison and bouncing up and down due to the heat. The reptilian Elder washes it down with the remainder of the mead before crawling back across the table to his seat, letting out an exhausted gasp as he collapses into it and beginning to dig into the macoroni and tri-tusked warthog platter that rests there. The overgrown lizard breaks into a grin when he's finished it, displaying several pieces of hammerhead shark and lion head stuck between his almost dragonic teeth as he adjusts his bib, which is now a collage of tartar and troglyodyte sauce. "Ho ho ho, well done" exclaims Pedro, clapping as the waiters gape in awe. "I take it that monsieur lizard enjoyed his-" "For dessert" belches Wyvern, interrupting Pedro in mid-sentence and shifting in his seat lethargically. "I'd like something cold to get rid of this heat, a gnomish rocky mountain sunday maybe. And with that, could I have a large elven winter mint cake? Oh, and Tzimfemme's famed chocolate pen figurines on the side, of course!" Pedro nods silently and jots down the orders.

Dearest Wavechild, Our time was short, yet I remember it well. You were so young, so full of spirit in your aquatic insinuations, a tidal wave of hopeful enthusiasm in your poetic ways. I was that overgrown gecko tied in the wirings of the heart, along with the wirings of those Almost Dragonic Brand Christmas Decorations™ I tried to sell you. The wirings of the CIA may have also been involved, but that's another story. I remember that cute look of confusion on your face when you couldn't figure out if you had applied correctly, that wonderful look of disgust that overcame you when I first entered the Office, and that beautiful frown of dismay you cast at me when you deducted that I had a bias against water-related names. Alas, I suppose it was never meant to be... water-related gals and almost dragons simply don't mingle, as groping simply can't equate to getting wet in the minds of us lustful lizards. Since then, I've seen your occasional ripple in the Banquet Hall and have heard the soft sounds of your tide in the list of browsing members, but have otherwise watched you slowly recede into the great Ocean of Idleness that so many of our new applicants drown in. Where are you now, my dear applicant? Is it an ottar den, a sea urchin cavern, the set piece that Disney discarded after filming "The Little Mermaid"? Is it an octupses garden under the sea? Are you celebrating inside of a yellow submarine? Do you wish that said yellow submarine was decorated with more festive colors? Well, you're in luck my dear! My initial offer of Almost Dragonic Christmas Decorations™ still remains, for while we may not be lovers, I will always cherish you as a costumer. Only 473 geld, plus salt water shipping and handling. Hiss hiss, Wyv~

Wyvern scurries through his chaotic living quarters, quickly packing a large suitcase with scheming outlines, large woolen overcoats sporting Hawaiin designs, pics of all his favorite pennites, I.O.Us, and an Almost Dragonic Brand Kitchen Helper™ for security. He jumps when he hears the clanging of a pot from Celes Crusadors Cafe, mistaking it for a special chef weapon and swiftly glancing left and right. The overgrown lizard then reaches into his overcoat with a trembling claw and quickly pulls out a sloppily written note, tacking it onto his door. The scribbled letter reads: Dearest Pennites and Pen applicants, Wyvie here, just wanted to give you a heads up in advance that I'll probably have to be absent from the Pen boards from December 26th to around January 1rst due to urgent "vacations." There's a small chance I might be able to check the boards over that period, but I unfortunatly doubt I'll have a net connection. I also won't have IRC access from December 22/23rd until late January, but will still be actively participating on the boards, so holla at me via PM if you have any questions. Thanks fer understanding... and remember, if the Special Chef Operations outfit drops by, you never saw this note! Wyv~ P.S: if you wanna leave geld donations in my absence, just slip'em under the door. Having posted this, the lizard goes back to filling his overflowing bags with Almost Dragonic Brand Products, Almost Dragonic Brand Product Gift Certificates, and Almost Dragonic Brand Grinch Certificates...

I tried out a couple of new varieties of candies that came out recently, and must say that I'm very impressed with this new batch. Wasn't expecting them to be so excellent, and they definitely make up for the gimmicky nature of 90% of the previous candies I reviewed. Recently, I tried: Hershey's Take 5 Bar - This is the candy bar of the new millenium. Ever since Ben & Jerry's came out with the flavor "Chubby Hubby" as a practical joke that turned into a stroke of brilliance, pretzles have been playing a larger and larger role in the chocolate candy market. Now, Hershey's releases this bar, possibly their secret weapon given its fancy golden wrapping paper, which brings the devestating combo of chocolate, caramel, peanut butter, pretzles and peanuts together into a single bar. The result is fantastically unique, unlike Hershey's typical spin-offs, and tastes excellent. What's more, like Twix, you actually get two Take 5 Bars in every package despite it being priced as one candy bar. Fortunatly, nothing on this bar indicates that its limited edition, so hopefully it'll be here to stay. Highly recommended. Butterfinger Crunch - Another excellent candy bar that came out of the blue. I've never been a big fan of Butterfingers in the past due to their texture, but Butterfinger Crunch uses the deceptively simple formula of taking the peanut butter crisp in Butterfinger bars and applying it to waffers. Ultimately, the bar comes across as an amalgam of the taste of Butterfinger and the textures of Kit Kat bars, with a large size to top off the package and make it complete. Definitely a keeper, give it a shot. Hershey's - Nut Lovers Limited Edition - This is unfortunatly just another of those gimmicky "limited edition" spin-offs. The bar advertises and has a bunch of different kinds of nuts in it, but is ultimately nowhere near as good as Hershey's with Almonds due to inconsistancies in its flavor. Since Hershey's with Almonds wasn't exactly the most exciting candy bar to begin with, I'm gonna have to give the thumbs down to this one. Sweet Tarts Shockers - I don't get fruity candy all that often, but I was strangely in the mood for some a couple of evenings ago so I decided to try this out. Sweet Tart Shockers essentialy rip off the formula of the Nuclear Warheads candy by making them super sour for the first seconds, then sweet and chewy afterwards. It's a complete clone of Nuclear Warheads, but is still good if you like that sorta thing. Plus, I think there are more Sweet Tart Shockers per package than there are Nuclear Warheads, so maybe it's worth checking for in the end.

"'Working Out with Pedro' eh?" mumbles Wyvern between munches, stuffing his mouth full of curly onion cheese doodles with one claw and reaching for a chocolate malted turtle dove with the other. "Shame I'm allergic to exercise, otherwise I just might have bootlegged it Almost Dragonic style." Pedro shakes his head and sighs at this, adjusting his apron and fiddeling with his moustach at the lizards rapid eating techniques. Wyvern sticks a series of frog legs on his horns for future snacking and grabs the charbroiled unicorn horn, crumbling it with his claws and sprinkling it over the seahorse salad before burying his face into the platter. Devouring it in a manner of minutes, the hungry lizard then turns to the sardine and pixie wing pizza, dropping the frog legs onto it from his horns and folding it into a little ball before eating it whole. Letting out a belch of flames and turning to the siren monster tenticle platter, he hisses: "Now then, while I eat *sllurrrrrrp,* for main courses I'd *munch munch* like an extra large platter of gorgon to compliment this delicious cockatrice. *chew chew chew* You can make that with some spicey volcanic ash and a touch of former warrior statue sprinkles. *gulp, chomp, munch* Then I'd also like a whole sea serpent, gargantuan style, stuffed with hammer head shark and perhaps a bit of leftover mead from past shipwrecks." *slurp, munch, munch.* Pedro nods silently and adjusts his chef cap, taking out another notepad and jotting down the lizards orders. He gapes in awe as he notices that the lizard has already finished his manticore slices, and is greedily gulping down the witches brew. *Burrrrrrrp* "Then, I'd like a large flame elemental and golem combo platter, served a la flambe of course, with just a hint of magma flavoring. *munch, gobble, gulp* I also want a huge bowl of Kraken chowder, served New Forjibord style, with a side order of little saltine crackers. *gobble, slurp, chew, much* Then, how about a-" Wyvern pauses in his eating frenzy for a moment and frowns, tossing the last of the cheese doodles into his mouth as he pulls up the platter of fawn leg and examines it carefully. Slapping his scaly forehead with a claw, the lizard turns to Pedro and hisses: "Awww drat, sorry, I think I misordered." Wyvern frowns, his lower lip trembling. "I knew there was something wrong with my order... I meant that I wanted a leg of satyr so scrumptious that the music seeps through, not a leg of fawn. I guess the two are similar, but I'll unfortunately have to pass on this dish." Wyvern shoves the dish to the side and proceeds to devour the last of the chocolate malted turtle doves and slurp down the final siren monster tentacle, leaving the table in front of him empty apart from the leg of fawn which sits untouched. "To top off my entrees" continues the lizard, adjusting his bib. "I'd also like half of a chimera, broiled in rare hydra drool, with tartar sauce and potatoes. Next, I'd like a good ol fashioned plate of macoroni and tri-tusked wart hog, smothered in troglyodyte sauce with the tusks still in it for marination. I'd also like an ogre club sandwich, as well a side of order of leg of satyr if any are available." Pedro strokes his moustach in a calm manner as he finishes jotting down the order, boastfully laughing at the lizards monstrous appetite. He stops laughing, however, when the lizard turns towards Guido and points to his platter of salad, hissing: "Ssssssay Guido, I don't suppose you'd be willing to share a bit of your salad with me would ya?" ;-)

Several aged men in business suites sit around a large rectangular table, mumbling greetings to one another and occasionally lifting themselves from their seats to fetch a fresh cup of coffee from a nearby machine. At the far end of the table rests a blank television set, next to which a younger-looking man dressed in similarly formal attire sits. The man fidgets with his tie and fumbles for a breath mint every five minutes, patiently waiting until the seats surrounding the table have been filled before lifting himself from his chair. After clearing his throat to insinuate silence, the man turns to the audience and exclaims: "Ladies and gentleman of the FCC, thank you for attending this urgent meeting at such short notice. Ths issue at hand is a new music video that has surfaced on the B.E.T-Pen Network, also known for its controversial coverage of the Jade poem 'The color of my skin.' The video details the endeavors of the vigilante rap group - excuse me if I mispronounce the names - "Weevmettic and the Dope," along with their resident D.J "Yan 'The Man' Ganaffi." The video not only subliminally advertises Almost Dragonic Brand Products every five seconds, but also presents a corrupting influence to our youth in its graphic depictions of poor taste. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... the 'Miscallaneous Weevmettic and the Dope Freestyle video.'" With that, the man whips out a remote control and flips on the television set, seating himself next to the other members of the FCC and sighing as the music video starts up... Darkness... then, a platform on which a set of turntables sits appears, illuminated by a single spotlight. Yan 'The Man' Ganaffi steps up to the tables, his Almost Dragonic Brand Rainbow Sunglasses™ obstructing his vision and causing him to bump into them. The D.J cringes slightly, hiding his pain and grinning towards the camera while flashing a thumbs up. He digs through a bag he carries and then pulls out a record that has the word "[bANNED]" stamped on it, and tosses it onto the table. Adjusting his Almost Dragonic Brand Baseball Cap™ so that it completely covers his face, he moves his fingers over the record, scratching up a quote from a familiar-yet-not-quite-identifiable former Pen member. "G-g-G-g-G-Go on as you will, I w-won't outrap you!" Subliminal advertisements begin flashing by the screen at an alarming rate as the phrase is scratched multiple times, and a recycled synythesisized keyboard beat cues up in the background as the scene switches to a library. All of the crowd studying there is wearing blinged out gold chains and reading books on how to mack correctly, and an old female librarian is breakdancing on the reception desk. Weevmettic then jumps out from behind a large stack of "Naughty Nymph" magazines , wearing a large coocoo clock that's been permanently set at 12 AM around his neck and backwards baggy pants with holes in them, which his tail sticks out of. On his scorpion stinger is a plastic diamond, and he moves to the motions of the birdy entering and exiting the coocoo clock as he raps: "... the Dope, and the Mighty Wyvmettic/ They're all the type of crowd that'll spit some intellect." The Dope jumps in at that moment, flashing a smile of gold teeth and holding enough platinum around his neck to make ice golems jealous. Throwing one hand in the air up and down to the rhythm of the birdy moving in and out of Wyvmettics clock, he spits: "we bustin out the illest rhymes so somebody call a medic." A doctor in the library crowd jumps up upon hearing this and begins waving a stethoscope in the air. Wyvmettic answers back: "On the mic, while the opposition just sit and stare Dopey nods, rapping: "sitting in a chair out in the crowd over there" The camera turns to Knight seated in a chair next to a desk, his armor painted in white KISS patterns around a death metal jacket. He headbangs and throws a hand up in a devil horns sign. "Exchanging verses, with Dope we share" "we dont have any worries, either that or we dont care" The scene switches to a boulevard outdoors, where Wyvmettic and the Dope ride around on blinged out scooters. It's raining geld from the sky, which is causing the ground to become hazardous for their "vehicles". The Dope swerves from side to side, still in sync with the coocoo clock birdy motions: "we so fresh n so clean, n we be gettin that green" Wyvmettic strikes a B-boy stance on his scooter and begins flailing for the geld falling from the sky, not managing to scoop up a single peace and paying no attention to where he's going. "And leave the wack rappers saying 'Where's my CREAM?!'/ Cash rules everything around me, ya know/ So don't steal my mic, you gonna die tonight bro!/ Stepping up to Wyvmenttic? Ha! You already lost/ M.Cs that front on the realness get tossed." Wyvmettic's scooter crashes into a large pile of geld just as he says this, which sends him flying until he lands in a large vat of Almost Dragonic Brand 10% Dairy Tossed Cream™. The Dope jumps off of his scooter upon seeing this, jumping up and down to the motions of the coocoo clock birdy that surfaces and sinks from the tossed cream vat. Pausing and throwing his hands up, the recycled beat stops and he exclaims: "yo wyv i got ur back if some 1 is in ur face, we'll know when we win, they'll look like a discrase" Upon hearing this, Wyvmettic lifts himself from the vat of cream and nods macho-style, looking like a disgrace himself. The credits for the video cue appear in the lower lefthand corner of the video as Yan 'The Man' Ganaffi begins scratching another phrase from the "[bANNED]" record. "r-r-ryme isnt quite my game - a bloody shame - i-if it was id have more fame!" The credits read: Wyvmettic and the Dope featuring D.J Yan 'The Man' Ganaffi "Miscallaneous Wyvmettic and the Dope Freestyle Video" Wyvmettic and the Dope IRC Freestyle Almost Dragonic Recordings, 2002 Directed by Wyvern.

Ayshela's face glows with a warm smile as she leans back and listens to the holiday traditions of others, images of Winter meditations, folk songs, and bonfires intermingling with her own personal vision of acorn-picking to create a wonderous collage of Chirstmas visions. She lets out a happy sigh and nods towards dragonqueen, then turns to glance at the sign in front of the tent and notices Wyvern busy at work decorating it with the festive colors of... graffiti?! "Wyvern!" exclaims Ayshela angrily, jumping from her seat and striding towards the lizard. The reptilian Elder ceases in his makeshift graffiti as he notices that he's caught Ayshela's attention, and flashes her a nervous grin as he ducks behind a stand that he had set up next to the tents. Ayshela casts a menacing glance towards his hiding place, then puts her hands on her hips and glares at the adjustments that he had made to her sign: "Traditionsal Almost Dragonic Brand LPast Minute and Presents" "Wyvern" growls Ayshela softly, cracking her knuckles and casting a grin of clenched teeth towards Wyverns stand. "What's the meaning of this." "W-well" stammers the lizard, quickly tossing on an old stocking as a makeshift Christmas cap and laying a number of items onto the table of his stand. "You caught me before I could finish setting things up, but I'm officially planting a Traditional Almost Dragonic Brand Last Minute Presents™ stand next to your two tents. Hope ya don't min-" "What?!" cries Ayshela, throwing her hands in the air and quickly striding towards the lizards stand. "Wyv, you realize that these tents are set up for a carnival exercise in which people relate their tradit-" "This isss traditional" interrupts Wyvern, casting a grin of razor-sharp teeth to the bystanders examining his booth and momentarily ducking in fear that Ayshela might resort to drastic measures. Waving his claws over the wide variety of products strewn across the present stand, he confidently hisses: "Every year, when the Season to be Jolly and Con$ume rears its profit-bearing head, I try to set up a booth of last minute gifts to sell to the gullible slacker. Why, just feast your eyes on the variety of wonderful gifts I have on sssale, perhaps something will catch your interest." Ayshela raises a brow as she examines the items that the greedy lizard has layed out on the table... a variety of tattered stockings with holes in them, jars labeled "Aged Candy Cane - Now in Snowy Dust Form!", extremely moldy gingerbread would-be men, cobweb-covered toy airplanes that have families of spiders living in them... "Wyv" mumbles Ayshela, her tone shifting from anger to curiousity and disgust. "All of these 'presents' look so... old." "Well" chirps Wyvern cheerfully, striking a thumbs up. "That would be because they are! You see, I put out the exact same items every year since they never get sold. It's a traditional thing." ;-)

Wyvern drifts around the Pen carnival like a phantom, swaying back and forth in a mixture of exhaustian and slight inebreation. The overgrown lizard turns his snout to the sky and shuts his eyes for a moment in order to simply breath in the scents of the carnival, only to suddenly be consumed by the delicious aromas that drift from the halls of Travis' multi-platinum debut Carnival Concert. The reptilian Elder slowly lets his nose guide him towards the source of the food, his insatiable almost dragonic appetite suddenly becoming aroused at the smell of honey-coated roast lamb shanks with potatoes and gravey and chocolate sprinkles on the side. He walks towards the banquet quarters of the concert as if in a dream, his eyes remaining shut as he weaves past the two security guards at the front door, who mark him down as having paid thanks to Peredhil's generous donation. Wyvern eventually comes to a halt when he reaches the large banquet table of the event, and opens his eyes only to be dazzled by the decor of Travis' dining hall. "Well" hisses Wyvern gleefully, quickly taking a seat at the table and rubbing his scaly claws together. "I must say, this certainly beats the typical disasters I get myself into when I walk around blindly, like tripping and falling into puddles of water or signing the wrong contracts for tax rebates." The overgrown lizard scratches his head, then turns towards a large man in a chef outfit that stands beside his seat. "Ssssay, you wouldn't happen to be able to tell me where I am currently, would you?" "Where you are?!" cries Pedro, stroking his moustache thoroughly in shock and aggravation. "Mon Dieu! Where do you come from, lizard? This is the banquet hall of the one, the only, the spectacular, the phenomonal... Travis!" Upon exclaiming this, a large mob of female groupies lets out an enormous shriek and races through the room, moving in a circle around the table and turning back in the direction that they came when they find no sign of Travis. Wyvern nods to this calmly, tossing on a large white bib that rests on the table in front of him and yawning: "Never heard of him." "SACRE BLEU!" cries out the chef in astonishment, causing several waiters to accidentally drop their platters. "How could you have not heard of Travis?! He is known throughout all corners of the lands!" "I dunno, I tend to focus on the more alternative stuff, like the Racouolettes y'know?" Wyvern rubs his scaly claws together. "Anyway, I'm sure I'll become familiar with Travis over the course of my stay here, if this is his banquet hall. Now, may I get to ordering?" "Oh ho ho ho!" laughs Pedro, taking out a notepad. "Why certainly... in fact, if you finish your meal in one sitting, there might be a special prize for you this evening. What will you be ordering this evening, monsieur?" "Well" hisses Wyvern, grinning and taking in a deep breath. "I think I'll start out with a tossed jumbo seahorse salad with extra barnicle sprinkles and a dolphin fin on the side, two extra crispy chocolate malted turtle doves with a plate of sweet and sweeter sauce to dip them into, a charbroiled unicorns horn - crunchy and with a touch of triceritop spice, a miniature sardine and pixie wing pizza with extra cheese and a touch of magic fairy dust, an open ocean platter of fried siren monster tentacle with squid and octopus ink sauce, a dish of stir-fried cockatrice pan broiled in obsidian pebbles, a plate of roasted frog legs from former prince charmings, a small cup of witches brew - hold the eye of newts, a slice of fine manticore with the little snake tail as a decoration, a leg of fawn so scrumptious that you can taste the music in it, and a large plate of curly onion cheese doodles please." Pedro wipes the sweat from his brow and nods, jotting down the last of the food items. "Will that be all, Mr. Almost Dragon?" "What do you mean 'will that be all?'" answers Wyvern, looking somewhat dismayed. "Those were the appetizers!" ;-)

Wyvern curls the Scarf of Disastrous Spell Prevention around his neck as he approaches Venefyxatu's carnival booth, shivering at the intense change in atmosphere as he nears the gigantic snow maze. Glancing at the ice sculptures that Venefyxatu is creating and then eyeing the entrance to the maze, the overgrown lizard quickly scurries up to the table where the ice sculptor rests and exclaims: "Hiya Venefyxatu. I'm gonna do my best to beat Gryphon's record time in your little maze, but before I head in, I was wondering if it might be possible to mold me a lifesize piece of geld rather than a figurine of myself? Thanks." Venefyxatu opens his mouth to speak, only to slump over in his seat as the lizard dashes off in the direction of the snow maze's entrance before he has time to respond. Wyvern quickly sets about darting through the initial segments of the snow maze, making it through one of its passageways before being met by a dead end. The overgrown lizards thoughts immediately turn towards cheating as he decides that he doesn't have a minute to lose, and charges towards the wall of the dead end in the hopes of diving right through the snow and landing on the other side of it. Unfortunately, the reptilian Elder runs straight into one of Venefyxatu's magical barriers of enforcement in the process, and is knocked unconscious just as a piece of the dead end wall avalanches down upon him...

"Let me take a lisssten" hisses Wyvern, stepping up beside Nuncio and leaning his scaly head towards the fidgeting sack. "Hmmm, sounds to me like a gang of cute, innocent-" The overgrown lizard is interrupted by as the aggravated kittens flail about wildly in the bag, screeching and hissing as they wrestle with cryptomancer. "O.K, a gang of cute, relatively harmless little kittens just itching to be abused by an Almost Dragonic Brand Pinata-Popper™. Step aside, my good hamster, and watch a master at work." *Ahem* interrupts Mynx as Wyvern approaches the piniata, tapping a foot on the ground and pointing a striped paw towards the "5 geld" clause in her activity sign. Wyvern raises his claws defensively upon seeing this and backs away with a nervous grin, quickly reaching through his garmets and pulling out a corncob hat and cane combo. Sticking the hat on one of his horns, the overgrown lizard waves the cane back and forth and exclaims: "Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to introduce to you the latest in Almost Dragonic Brand Products, specifically designed for carnival events such as this one and sure to improve your piniata-bashing skills. Introducing, Almost Dragonic Brand Pinata-Poppers™, you're one-stop pinata pop. Bring'er in, Bravery!" The audience surrounding the piniata freezes in place and gapes in awe as a dwarf walks into the area carrying an absolutely enormous club, which measures at at least four times his own height and width. Surrounding the surface of the club are several menacing-looking spikes, along with numerous jagged edges and screws that are painful to even look at. Wyvern gingerly plucks the enormous instrument out of the Elder Dwarf's hands, holding it with ease and exclaiming: "Ladiesss and gents, this wonderful gizmo is going for a mere five geld in price." Wyvern winks towards Mynx. "And free for Ms. Mynx, of course. In case I haven't convinced you all yet, just watch this little baby in action." With that, Wyvern lifts the enormous club into the sky, aiming at the piniata bag and swinging it with all his might. Upon making contact with the pinata, the Almost Dragonic Brand Pinata-Popper™ instantly breaks in half, immediately losing all of its spikes and clattering to the ground. Mynx frowns and shakes her head when she notices that the "hit" didn't even cause the tiniest disturbance in the pinata, and crosses her arms over her chest as she glares at Wyvern. "Eheheheh" stammers Wyvern nervously, raising a claw to his head in embarassment as the audience disperses. "Would ya settle for a 5 geld glass of Bruteweiser?" ;-)

As the conga line passes around the Cabaret Room, a pair of beady eyes follows its every movement from a darkened corner, making note of every angle and tempo that it takes. Wyvern hisses sinisterly as he carefully observes the lines gradual formation, his tail twitching nervously as his body barely resists the urge to sprint out and join the fun immediately. The reptilian Elder bites his lip and crouches patiently, waiting for the opportunity to jump into the line as soon as a short-skirt bearing Pen babe connected to its end. Fortunatly, the thought of standing behind said babe and carefully observing the "kicking" involved in the routine was enough to drive the lizard into a monumental stillness. ;-)

As the halfling lass timidly scurried off of the stage, a small goblin boy scrambled into the spotlight and took her place, smiling to the audience and giving them an ample view of his filthy, jagged teeth. Beside him crawled a baby troll, with one thumb stuck in his mouth while the other dragged along a stone club at least twice his size. The goblin boy bounced back and forth, his ragged gobln elmentury skool outfit flailing left and right as he pranced around the stage. The spotlight weaved chaotically as it followed him until he finally came to a halt again next to the baby troll, and squealed: "Hi hi, me name's Yecchy, this Pointy Rock. I'm here an' there's skool an I'm not goin cus teachy wans us to do tess on why dwarfies're bad an I know why, cus they stink and they gots hairs on da chinnies. 'Stead, I'm here an I'mma tell the bestest ruggy-rude lore-mirrie EVER!" The boy posed proudly, then fished through his pockets for a centipede and tossed it in his mouth, letting it wriggle there for a moment before chewing on it's crunchy texture. "Mmm, numyum 'pedey good. Anyhoo, this story s'better n'a horsey food with th'blood on it, an also better'n a bar bar spar, n'also better n'a clowny elf bones' breakin, and way way way better than a booby trap spritey race. Me and Pointy Rock likey much, happened to cusin an s'a real ludey dooder, right Rocksy?" The baby troll silently sucked its thumb. "Story go like dis: once upon a time, der's bar. Lotsa foamy drink, hic hics, an cleany men. Orcy cusin Glormphflorm no cleany though: he sit at table, get biiiiig drink, an' cleanies no like smelly, so they go 'Glormph! Lorney the packets, big wig hub!' And Glorpmphfy dizzy drink, so he spit at cleany man, who mad but Glormph say that dwarfie did it. Man turns, slam gitzles dwarfie in da nose! Kerplamo, wooooom! Chairs are all over, cleany man bites elfy in the ear, dwarfie tangled in mail, big shouts and foamy sock'em rock'em roll'em!" The goblin child accentuated his phrases to the audience with a confusing mixture of mock punches and twirls. Watching this, Pointy Rock removed the thumb from his mouth and grinned, revealing one enormous tooth and babbling "Gah Guh." The baby troll then proceeded to slam his stone club on the stage floor several times, causing a small earthquake for the attentitive crowd. Once the tremors had passed, Yecchy yammered: "N'so, orcy cus' thinkin 'Gorbs! Me no wanty be dead bar hide.' So he run an he duck an he stuck an he lose pants an he lose shirt an he still run! An he scream an he leave an here da big ludey dooder: cleanies see'im do it an they make song! 'Yelluh-Belly Half-a-Orc' song, everyone knows an all kinds're sung. An' that's me lore-mirrie, thankee thankee sick and spanky." With that, Yecchy stuck his thumb in his nose and removed a large booger, looking at it greedily and sticking it in his hair for later. The goblin child then dropped his pants and mooned the crowd briefly before running off stage, the baby troll sluggishly following after him in enormous crawls.

Exsanguis sighs to himself as he leans back in his applicant easy chair, eyeing the area where the force of darkness had blocked him and shaking his head at the potentially dangerous barrier. Glancing towards a grandfather clock located in the corner of the Office, he frowns in concern as he wonders where the Elder of Initiates' could be, and nervously turns towards his application in the hopes of reading it over again. He only has time to go over the first sentence, however, as Wyvern suddenly bursts in through the main door of the Office. The reptilian Elder of Initiates dashes into the Office at full speed, coming to an abrupt halt as a shadow barrier quickly coalesces around the entrance again. Wyvern lets out a girlish scream as he's suddenly surrounded with darkness, and Exsanguis cringes as the lizard continues to shriek until the shroud has been fully lifted. Once the shadow barrier has dissipated and Wyvern has stopped trembling, he moves forward at full speed into the Office until he reaches Exanguis. Panting to himself and slowly regaining the color he lost from his scare, the lizard hisses: "Greetings, Exsanguis! Sorry that I'm a little late, goofing around at carnival booths has been keeping me thoroughly occupied." Exsanguis stares at Wyvern blankly upon hearing this, and turns away in disgust as the lizard offers him an old piece of left-over cottan candy from his pocket. Frowning when he notices that Exsanguis is not a big fan of two-day old concentrated sugar, Wyvern tosses the candy into a waste basket and immediately snatches up his application. After reading it over, the lizard grins and hisses: "Hmmm, ssso your searching for some living quarters here at the Pen, eh? Well, it's a very good thing that you came to this Office first, since I can offer you all sorts of enticing Almost Dragonic Brand Housing Options™." Exsanguis frowns nervously as Wyvern flashes him a grin full of razor sharp teeth, and fidgets as the lizard digs into his pouches and pulls out a large scroll. Unrolling the manuscript, the lizard hisses: "If you'd like, I could offer you a cosey little home right at the center of the Pen for a mere 23,458 geld. The dwelling place is small, but I think it'd suite you perfectly... and you'd always be at the very center of Pen parties." With that, the lizard passes Exsanguis a photo of the living quarters he's referring to, which the applicant examines for a moment before muttering: "Wyvern... this is a picture of a colored mist-making machine." "Exactly!" hisses Wyvern gleefully, striking a thumbs up and grinning. "Isn't it perfect? You'd fit right in, I'm think." Exsanguis rolls his eyes, then hands Wyvern back the photograph. "Sorry Wyv, but I'm not interested in renting living quarters that measure in at around the size of a breadbox." Wyvern solemnly nods upon hearing this, and quickly stamps Exsanguis' application ACCEPTED. The reptilian Elder lets out a short sigh as he watches the applicant leave the Office quarters, his eyes longingly transfixed on the shadow barrier that forms and dissipates as the new Pen Initiate wanders off to explore the Pen. OOC: An ACCEPTED application, Exsanguis, welcome to the Mighty Pen! I look forward to participating with you in various roleplaying projects, and am eager to check out more of your work. Once again, welcome!

Wyvern waves to Black one final time as the vampire departs from the area, and rearranges the three mugs on his table as he welcomes Gryphon and Venefyxatu to his humble little booth. Grinning to himself sinisterly and turning towards Bravery for a moment, the lizard dodges some of the Meud splashed up by Minta and hisses: "Bravery, if you could bottle some of that Almost Dragonic Brand Meud™ inbetween intervals of offering Bruteweiser to participants and looking after the booze barrels, all while keeping an eye out on any potential participants, that would be great!" "I-" starts Bravery, only to let out a frustrated sigh as the Almost Dragon turns back to his new customers. "Very well Gryphon" hisses Wyvern confidently, shifting a protective claw underneath the middle mug and quickly placing it face down on the table. "Ready to be put to the tesssst?" Gryphon nods, then watches as Wyvern moves the mugs on the left and the right of the table forwards and backwards in a few sluggish movements, raising a brow as the lizard stops the game there and exclaims: "Take yer best guess!" Gryphon rolls his eyes and sighs, shrugging at the lack of challenge and responding: "The middle mug." Wyvern grins upon hearing this, and lets out a sinister cackle as he lifts the middle mug and reveals that it's empty. Gryphon's jaw drops, and he stares at the lack of an Almost Cork in shock. "Ssssorry, but you lose. Muahahahaha!" Wyverns gale of maniacal laughter is interrupted as a particularly gleefull shriek from Minta catches his attention, and he turns around in order to see what developments have been occuring in the Meud. As he does so, the overgrown lizard accidentally knocks over all three of the mugs with his tail, revealing that all three of them are empty. Gryphon stares at the mugs in confusion for a moment, then notices a familiar-looking Almost Cork stuck on the lizards stinger, which he carefully plucks off of it. As Wyvern turns back around, Gryphon holds up the Almost Cork and grins: "It seems this was stuck to your tail." Wyvern lifts a claw to his head and lets out a nervous laugh, sighing to himself and directing Gryphon towards a small supply of Almost Dragonic Brand Meud™ as a prize. After he's done so, the lizard turns towards Venefyxatu and snickers. "Up to a game, eh? Well, just be warned that I'm not going easy on you..." Wyverns formal boast is interrupted as a rather distraught, mud-covered Bravery approaches him and exclaims: "Wyvern, listen-" "Would you be quiet?" Wyvern growls. "Can't you see I'm trying to conduct a game here?" Turning back towards Venefyxatu, he switches back to a sinister tone. "Yesss, I won't be going easy on you. In fact, you just might want to surrender right now, to avoid humilia-" "Wyvern, it's important." interrupts Bravery, casting a nervous glance back towards the Meud. "Minta has these pixy sticks, and she's-" "Didn't I tell you to be quiet?" cries Wyvern in a whiney voice, gritting his teeth and throwing his scaly arms in the air. "How am I supposed to build suspense for Venefyxatu when you're constantly interrupting?" "But Wyv, the Meud is-" "If there'sss a problem with the Meud, then fix it. After all, that's what you're here for." Bravery raises a hand to speak, then thinks better of it and shakes his head in a frustrated manner. As the Elder Dwarf departs back towards the Meud, Wyvern turns towards Venefyxatu and continues: "Sssso, Venefixatu... are you up to the challenge?" "That's Venefyxatu" corrects the participant. "And yes, give me your best" Wyvern grins and nods, then places the Almost Cork underneath the middle mug and proceeds to stack the other two mugs face down on top of it. Noticing Venefyxatu's confusion, the lizard hisses: "Thisss game will be a test of sensitivity to see if your finger is worthy of holding the Almost Cork. If your finger can feel the Almost Cork underneath these three layers of mugs, you'll know that you've won." Venefyxatu considers this challenge for a moment, then nods and leans forward to try his luck. The participant pauses, however, as he notices a large figure behind Wyvern that immediately causes him to pale. Wyvern just has time to watch Bravery run off from the area of the booth before turning to see what has caught Venefyxatu's attention, and freezes in horror as he does so. An enormous Almost Dragonic Brand Meud Golem stood there, tiny shards of mana crystals glowing on its bubbling hide, its form surprisingly muscular in its concentrated liquid structure. Looking down at Wyvern, the Golem clenches a muddy fists a gurgles: "Beeeer... Chips." Wyvern opens his mouth to scream...

Yui, Understood on the incorporation of "some" in the second stanza, and very good point about peoples' visualization of what occurs at the other end of the phone as opposed to the actual ambivalence of it. What I might recommend for the stanza, then, is to choose whether you wish to portray the visualization that people have of the other end of the phone line or to emphasize the actual uncertainty of it, as meshing the two concepts together in the stanza might be what's bothering you about it. As for "office home," I do think it would make things more clear, but at the same time it doesn't seem quite as evocative in tone as "coffin home." Perhaps you could add another line briefly describing the coffin home as a cubicle? Actually, "home" might not be the best word to use to describe an office space, particularly one being compared to a coffin... is there some other monosyllabic term that could be used in its place? Just spilling suggestions... and no problem on the feedback. Wyv-

I really like your "Telecon" poem, Yui. I think that it touches upon the topic of phone conversations in an interesting and evocative manner, particularly in the way that it distances the narrator from the speaker at the other end of the phone. Your word choice and imagery in the poem are excellent, and I especially liked the reference to the speakers having "bright plumage from their pigdin terms." I also think the tone of the poem is very well established, as it seems to hint at artificiality and hollowness over the course of its duration. Out of curiousity; was this piece inspired by telephone company advertisers such as those of Telecon? ;-) One phrase that struck me as out of place in this poem was the reference to the speakers placing their words on "some table top," which is a rather vague image when compared to the other sharp details attributed to them. Also, while the phrase "coffin home" is very intriguing and evocative, I was uncertain of its place in the overall thematic structure of the work, and you might want to expand upon the narrators home if you choose to use it. Great stuff.

I thought that this Writing Exchange poem presented a very fun and accurate depiction of the Gwaihir's character, Wrenwind, and found it a clever and entertaining read. I particularly like your uses of details, such as the "green fingertips" and the "smudge of foam" attributed to Gwaihir's gardening and partying. Your incorporation of dialogue with the "Umm Hello!" in the second stanza was also very sweet, and I thought it captured his clumsy essence well. Nicely written, well done.

Pen members searching around the Winter Carnival tilt their heads curiously as they come across a strange-looking booth set up in the Banquet Hall, built entirely out of cheap plastic with a multi-colored variety of buttons patterning its surface. At the center of the booth rests a tall wall of television sets, with a few old-school black-and-white crystal balls decorating its sides for nostalgic effect. As members slowly approach the area surrounding the booth, a large television set at the center of the wall suddenly flicks on, buzzing with static for a moment and immediately catching their attention. The pennites squint as the static on the screen slowly fades, and raise their brows as it's replaced with what appears to be Wyvern in a kinky safari outfit. On the screen, Wyvern turns towards the audience and exclaims: "Hi there, and welcome to the Pen Poem Discovery Channel. My name's Wyvern Q. Almostdragon, and I'll be your safari guide for this Winter Carnival activity." With that, Wyvern takes out an Almost Dragonic Brand Machete™, and swings it left and right for effect. The audience cringes as the blade comes loose from the machete and flies off of the screen to some unknown area, provoking a loud screech from some kind of large animal and causing Wyvern to freeze in place. "Ehehehe..." jitters the lizard after a moment, scratching the top of his safari hat with a claw only to find some unidentifiable sticky plant residue there. "Anyway, I'm here to offer you a way to enjoy the well-written poetry of the Pen in a creative and helpful manner, and to earn 20 earned geld for the exercise in the process. Interested?" Several of the Pen members immediately nod upon hearing the potential amounts of geld, scurrying closer to the television. "Excellent." says Wyvern on the television, beginning to make his way through the jungle as he continues: "This exercise is divided into three parts, hence the large amount of geld one can earn from it. First, you must find a poem that has zero comments on it in the Banquet Hall. Don't worry, there are enough of these to go around for everyone. Next, you must introduce this abandoned poem to the masses through a creative post in this thread, involving a television station of some sort. I am currently using the Discovery Channel's safari activities, but there are an endless number of channels available: the News Channel (CNPEN), the Sports Channel, the Comedy Network, the Sci-fi Channel, the Cooking Channel, and anything else you can think of... the buttons on the plastic table allow you to dream up any sort of channel you want. Finally, for the last step of this exercise, you must provide a commentary for the poem you found, noting specifically what you liked about it and anything that you feel could be improved in it. Please post a link to the poem in your creative post in this thread, so we can all read it and see what you thought of it." The audience stares blankly at the television screen as Wyvern stops talking, scratching their heads and mumbling to each other in confusion. Wyvern brushes the scales back on his head and turns to the screen once again, grinning and hissing: "Now, I realize that sounds like a very complicated procedure, which is why I'd like to provide you with an example of it by kick-starting this thread off. Observe." The Pen members watch the T.V carefully as Wyvern begins moving into the deeper depths of the strange jungle, brushing past several enormous verdant fruits and dodging the occasional large mosquito that hovers through the air. Arriving at a clearing with a small pond, the overgrown lizard lets out a long sigh and unfolds a crumpled Almost Dragonic Brand Map™, which essentially depicts a series of random doodles that the lizard made during the last philosophical Pen debate. "Lossst again" hisses the lizard to himself quietly before turning to the camera and clearing his throat. "As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, the wilds of the Cabagga Rainforests are famous for their many jumbo-sized kiwis and large annoying insects. Fortunatly, clearings such as this one provide travelers with much-needed rest spots. Mother Nature must have surely had sofas in mind when she created large bush patches to sit on." With that, the overgrown lizard leans back on what appears to be a large bush, only to fall backwards and collapse as the "bush" splits up into a dozen smaller patches. Crying out in surprise and collapsing, he scrambles to his feet only to gawk as he finds himself surrounded by a gang of wiggly cabbages. "So that's why they call it the Cabagga Rainforests..." mutters the lizard to himself in fascination. Turning to the camera and giving a two thumbs up sign for ratings, the lizard turns towards the cabbages and suddenly notices a piece of paper stuck to one of them. Kneeling down to examine the sheet, he carefully plucks it from the cabbage and begins to read it over: "A Portrait of Gwaihir"

"Oh *cough* great, I knew I shouldn'tve filled those *hack* barrels with Bruteweiser Extra Meady™... now this stuff'll never wash off." Wyvern slowly lifts himself from his spot in the mud, only to slip and splatter back into the alcohol-drenched dirt. After several attempts at lifting himself, the lizard finally manages to stand up straight, humming "wet wet wet" to himself glumly as he brushes off large clumps of mud and silently mourns the loss of the 5 geld that Black had previously handed him. The overgrown lizard turns towards the now-visible dwarf skeletons for a moment and shakes a fist at them, slapping his forehead when they mistake his angered hand motion for a dwarven drinking gesture and shake their fists back. Noticing that Bravery is also shaking his fist, Wyvern stomps his foot on the ground and lets out a long hiss before turning towards Black and muttering: "R-right, sssorry to keep you waiting. Just lemme get set up here a sec." Black raises a brow as the overgrown lizard scoops up the beer mugs in what appear to be Bruteweiser mud pies and tosses the mess onto the table. The reptilian Elder then dives into the mud for a few moments, occasionally resurfacing for air until he's finally found his Almost Cork again. Having retrieved it, Wyvern tosses the cork underneath the middle cup, and grins as he hisses: "Watch out now, Black. After watching a master expert at work and learning from his slightly superior abilities, I feel like my game has drastically improved." With that, the lizard sluggishly begins switching the positions of all three of the muddy cups, making sure that the Almost Cork doesn't move from it's position at the center of the table as he does so. After lifting and clamping down the last mug, the greedy lizard grins and hisses: "Take your best shot!" Black stares at Wyvern blankly for a moment, wondering if he's really serious, and mutters: "Uhhh... the middle one?" Wyvern's jaw drops upon hearing Black's response, and he proceeds to bang his scaly head on the table several times before snorting: "Beginners luck! *sigh* Well, as a prize, you can help yourself to as much of this new supply of Almost Dragonic Brand Meaud™ as you'd like." Black half-smirks upon hearing this, and begins to head off when Wyvern blurts: "Oh, and for the record: no earned geld is required to play this game! Just bring your normal geld, which all of us (except maybe me) have, and you're good to go."

Wyvern playfully prances towards a table located at the center of the Cabaret Room, noticing the shadowy outline of Black's vampiric cloak and contemplating whether or not a blood donation might be required for seating. The greedy lizard pauses for a moment in order to consider this possibility, only to perk up as he notices Celes Crusador standing nearby. He grins and races forward as he decides to "accidentally" bump into the Troubador, brushing against her and savouring the soft and ticklish feel of her blue overgown... a feeling familiar to the lizard from countless Cafe catastrophes. Wyvern cringes when the pleasant feel of Celes Crusador's clothes is accompanied by an equally familiar roar of cursing that exits from her lips, which he ducks and counters with a few shrill apologies before racing onwards. The lizard continues moving towards the table until he comes across Canid, who he greets with a traditional wolf sniffing ritual. He stays only for a few seconds, however, as he whifs in the repugnant odor of freshly killed rabbit and decides to quickly move onward. The remainder of Wyverns journey to the table passes uneventfully, and upon arriving the greedy lizard notices Ayshela's coat hanging on an unattended chair. Glancing left and right, he slowly tip-toes towards the hanging coat and digs one of his claws inside, searching until it comes across the familiar metallic etchings of a piece of geld. ;-)

Wyvern casts a glance towards Ayshela as he builds his first Winter Carnival booth, hissing with glee as she nods in approval at his choice of decorations. The lizard sets up a large, wooden table constructed entirely out of leftover beer barrels, and proceeds to arrange three used booze mugs on the table, face down. He then reaches into one of his tunic pockets and pulls out what appears to be Almost a Wine Cork; a cork slightly dented by Wyvern teeth marks from back when it was first removed from the bottle. Glancing left and right, the overgrown lizard snickers and quickly shoves the almost cork underneath the middle mug, which is emblazoned with the phrase "Ol' Peculiar 4 Life." Having done this, Wyvern signals to Bravery the Elder Dwarf, who is attired in the suite of a bartender, and hisses: "Alright Bravery, thingsss are looking good here. You can set it up now." Bravery nods upon hearing this, and adjusts his cufflinks as he reaches into his pouch and pulls out a sign. Taking out his trusty hammer, he nails the sign a few inches left from the booth, and then reads it out loud to make sure that it relays the proper information: Wintur Carneval Game - Expe Cheap! Find thu almost cork, and win grate prizes! 5 urned geld for pay participating. 5 (normal) geld to entur. Wyvern nods in approval as Bravery reads the sign, practicing his claw maneuvers as he swiftly switches the positions of the three cups. The lizard curses to himself as he clumsily knocks one of them over, and turns to grab it only to hit another one over with his tail. "I really wish you'd put more care into your spelling, Wyvern." sighs Bravery, shaking his head and seating himself next to the table. "So let's go over this again... my job is to offer participants free Bruteweiser samples while they participate, to distract them and get them drunk?" "Shhhhhhhhh" hisses Wyvern, nodding sinisterly as he arranges the three mugs back on the table. "Yeah, and make sure that all the back-ups are in place." "Umm, Wyvern?" mumbles Bravery. "Yesss?" "You might want to arrange those cups face down..." "Oh!" exclaims Wyvern, quickly flipping the mugs to their proper face down positions. "Right, thanks." Bravery lets out a massive sigh as Wyvern stands and begins waving his hands, hissing: "Sssssstep right up! Play your hand at a game of find the Almost Cork and recieve 5 earned geld for any permanent scars... err, that is for participating. Only 5 geld to enter, cheap!"

I think that this is a very interesting poem, Xaious. The poem has a lot of very strong, original imagery that immediately caught my attention, particularly with the images of the "fake plastic plant," the "polysterene love," and the "tomb of promises." The poem also strickes me as being dense with meaning through its uses of metaphors (such as the word of oath as a prison) and allusions (such as the reference to the Garden of Eden in the "forbidden fruit" of the plant). In terms of potential improvements, one thing that struck me as a bit awkward in the poem was the tone, which I thought was rather inconsistent. An example of this is in the fifth and sixth lines of the first stanza of the poem, which read to me as a casual modern tone and a sophisticated medieval tone respectively. I also thought that the first halves of each of the stanzas read slightly better than the second halves as they seemed more concrete, though then again I've never been that big a fan of poems that pose a series of questions. ;-p Very interesting stuff, Xaious! Thanks for sharing.

Personality Wyvern is the most kind-hearted, most gentle, and most caring dastardly schemer striving for world domination this side of Doctor Evil. He's always attentive and loving when it comes to caring for his geld, and is always motivated to find his geld companions in the form of more geld. Whenever he breaks furniture in an attempt to spy on Pen girls undressing, he politely informs them that Ozymandias will fix it and only partially ducks their facial slaps. What's more, Wyvern always provides Pen members with a fine variety of Almost Dragonic Brand Products, which he continuously offers at "reasonable" prices, with none of those annoying paperwork options like product guarantees or receits. He's also thrown many generous parties in the hopes of seeing Pen members have fun, as well as perhaps stripping a few people of their excess geld and getting a few ladies drunk on the side. It should also be noted that whenever Wyvern steals candy from babies, he always makes sure that the carriage falls on a soft patch of grass when he kicks it over. Pen applicants can also attest to the manner that Wyvern always apologizes after they wait for two months for him to respond to their poems and stories, and his frequent clumsiness, cowardice, and hatred of water have often been attributed to the "gentle" side of his personality. Motivated, almost hard-working, and easily seductable... Wyvern is your perfect business partner, and your ideal almost dragonic lover! This message brought to you by Almost Dragonic Inc.™

As the search party splits up into seperate groups in order to search through the various caverns, doors, and trees of the Pen, an old rickety wagon continues its trek along a beaten pathway. Wyvern stares longingly at the passing farm lands from within the shakey wooden confines of the cart, silently cursing to himself every time the vehicle passes over a tiny bump or stops for a stray cow. "Yeeeee-up" croons the old geezer driving the cart, laughing in wheezes as he continues to drive the mules along. "Ain't nothin quite like farmin' them ol' cattle, lemme tell ya sonny boy. Nice to have ya along on this lil trip, you and yer ring." "Yeah" mutters Wyvern, frowning as he notices a large building with towers sitting at a distance from the fields. "Ssssay, is that the Pen I see over there in the distance?" "Yup, I reckon" says the old man, turning his head towards the lizard for a moment in order to speak to him directly. "Lotsa the farmers go there fer provisions, as well as to sell fresh food to Celes Crusador's Caf-" The old man is interrupted as the mules move from one mile per three hours to one point one miles per three hours. "Whoooaaaa" exclaims the old man, lethargically lifting the reins of the mules. "Whoo-oooo-ooo-ooaaaa." Wyvern raises a finger to speak, only to gape in horrified awe as the mules hit a series of tiny rocks, which causes them to sway and drop over dead. The death of the mules makes the cart to jolt slightly, which causes the old man to pass out in his seat. Wyvern slaps a claw on his head and curses, lifting himself from his seat and accidentally brushing his horns against the ceiling of cart, causing it to collapse in the process. Sighing to himself, the lizard hops out of the wagon just as its walls and wheels break down, and hisses: "Well.. at least it looks like the Pen is walking distance from here."