Wyvern

News cameras circle the pirate broadcasting HQ, which is still blackened from the TNT incident that occured several weeks back. Wyvern swivels in his creaky stool as the news medley goes through its cacophonous motions, then turns towards the camera screens and points a claw.

"Welcome to another evening of the Almost Report - giving the Pen a bad reputation for sssanitary reporting ever since the eve of the great explosion." Wyvern attempts to brush a spot of dirt off of his shirt, only to find that his claws have been covered in soot from when he rested them on the tabletop. The reptilian reporter grumbles to himself. "Ssspeaking of which, the Almost Report is still searching for any pennite with a cleaning strategy capable of eliminating this mess, though we've pretty much lost hope on finding one at this point. By the looksss of things, we'll be needing to move the report to a new location sometime sssoon... don't be surprised if we turn up in your quarters at some unexpected hour of the evening."

Wyvern nods and pulls a folded news document from the back of his horns. A live action news box appears in the upper righthand corner of the screen, displaying the image of Regel holding a basket full of angel wings sprinkled in chocolate.

"In tonight'sss news: Regel has recently offered membership in the esteemed Angels of Apocalypse to any pennites who have experience in Terra of Olde and are interested in warring." Wyvern snorts and shuffles his paper a bit. "We here at the report realize that this excludes 99% of current pennites, though it should be noted that pennites without experience can apply for an interview with Calculus for the Masses!, another adventuring guild that includes pennites and remains active in the same realm. Argent Dawn and Norrath have also been known as pennite stomping grounds, though it may be more difficult to track pennites in thossse planes as they tend to be more scattered. Those who have grown tired of the Pen Keep's limited portal capacity should find more expansive adventuresss in those realms, and are encouraged to tessst them if they're interesssted."

Wyvern snaps a claw, and the image in the news box switches to that of Norman the Runt with a very elegant look on his orcish face.

"In further news this evening fair/ Norman the Runt plays proper host/ to Muse roll call and all who dare/ Pentameter should make the most."

Wyvern attempts to translate the more poetic lines of his report to a goblin level of intelligence, only to find that his forked tongue is thoroughly tied. The overgrown lizard shrugs and bows to the cameras as screens across the Pen fade to black.

Wyvern slowly jerks his way into the Cabaret Room, still carrying the scent of incinerated mint leaf golem around his scales and ignoring the noseplugs that people pull from their pockets as he passes by. The reptilian Elder tugs on the leash of what appears to be a plump wolf with an low slouching head, pulling it towards the center of the chamber with one forceful tug at a time. Wyvern pauses for a moment to wipe the sweat from his forehead and catch his breath, then tightens his grip on the leash and springs forward when he notices Canid doodling at a nearby table.

"Greetingssss Canid, a Happy Birthday to ya!" Wyvern grunts as he pulls the flat-faced wolf a few inches closer. "I brought ya a little snack to celebrate. Hope it suites your tastebuds."

"A wolf?" Canid sniffs at the air to test the live animal's authenticity, but twists her nose when the strong stench of incinerated mint golem is all she smells. "Well Wyvern... if you think I'm going to partake in cannibalism, then I'm afraid you're sadly mista-"

"Oh, no worriesss there. The wolf-skin fur is only a cover-up... you wouldn't believe how hard thisss thing was to steal." Wyvern grabs the tail of the wolf skin overcoat and pulls at it, undoing several knots in the costume and causing it to slide off. Where there once was a plump wolf now stood a trim sheep... a trim sheep sporting a blackbelt, no less. "I mean, breaking into Madoka's training grounds was difficult enough, but smuggling this thing from the dojo was really-"

"Wyvern." Canid frowns, her eyes fixed on the wolf skin overcoat that now lays on the floor. "Where did you get that wolf skin from, exactly?"

"Errrr, weeeeelllll, that was from-"

The samurai sheep at Wyvern's side suddenly jumps up onto its hindlegs in a lightning-quick motion and karate-chops Wyvern in the shin. The overgrown lizard keels over and cries out in pain. He raises a claw to react, but is promptly dragged off by the sheep via the leash that he continues to cling to. He waves to Canid with his other claw on his way out...

;-)

OOC: Hope you have a very nice Birthday, Canid. :-)

Kee frowns and stares at the lonesome mess of a Recruiter's Office, hearing nothing other than the light rustle of discarded paperwork and a low hissing sound that drifts from the central desk area of the room. He sighs and turns to exit the Office, taking the eery silence as a "no," but pauses as the hissing sound suddenly blurts into a snort and a loud shuffling noise. Wyvern pounces out from a deep pile of paperwork with a gasp, letting numerous Pen complaint forms and outdated scheme sheets fall from his scales. The overgrown lizard flaps his wings twice to get rid of a few loose-ended tax documents, then turns towards Kee and extends a claw.

"Sssorry about that, was napping and lost track of the time. Name's Wyvern, nice to meetcha." Wyvern grabs Kee's hand and shakes it, then snatches the Haiku of Life from his other hand and gives it a glance. "I gotta read this over, so feel free to relax and engage in one of the Office's many recreational activities in the mean time. Namely: discarded paperwork mache, discarded paperwork skating, discarded paperwork napping, and alphabetic trash spotting. Feel free to start with 'A is for Aged Curly Onion Cheese Doodles' and work your way from there."

Kee raises a brow in confusion as he considers Wyvern's proposed exercise, but decides to relax and take a seat as the reptilian Elder begins reading over his work. Wyvern breezes through the series of haikus several times, then strikes a toothy grin and turns back towards the applicant.

"A very fine poem, Kee. 'Acceptable' would be an understatement, as this piece is well and truly worthy of our little collection." Wyvern watches Kee's face brighten at his words, then picks the opportune moment to pull a small package from one of his sleeves. "I should've known that Mother Nature would go all sssentimental over a little inpurity. Not the firssst time I've seen her sob... you shoulda seen her expression that time that I tried to bulldoze Morneanna's clearing in the hopes of making an Almost Dragonic Brand Environmentally Unsound Megamall™! Talk about nervous breakdowns..."

Wyvern snickers to himself over the not-so-natural disaster, then turns the package in his claws and a takes a step closer to Kee. A trail of dirt begins leaking from a small hole in the package's side.

"In termsss of recapturing the essence of childhood, I think that Morgane would be the main pennite to consssult. Of course, if you wanna get one step closer to that missing childhood, adoption might also be an option." Wyvern sneers and points towards the package that he holds. "And why not ssstart by adopting one of these ADORABLE Almost Dragonic Brand Soot-E-Pets™? Made from real soot, these little animal figurinesss require no food or care, and are only a mess if you count them as dirt. Remember: 'B is for Burnt Beloved!' Only 25 geld a shot, get yoursss today!"

Wyvern continues pointing at the package enthusiastically, then stares down and notices the leak in its side. The overgrown lizard curses to himself and plugs it with a claw, only to find that Kee is already shaking his head in response to the ad. Wyvern promptly drops the Soot-E-Pet to the floor with a grumble and stamps Kee's application ACCEPTED.

;-)

OOC: An ACCEPTED application, Kee. Welcome to the Mighty Pen! I hope that you find the Pen a very friendly and welcoming community to share your writing with, and look forward to reading more of your stuff as well as to collaborating with you on community projects if the opportunity arises. Once again, welcome.

Wyvern paces back and forth through the Cabaret Room as the hour grows late, circling a veiled stool that sits at the center of the chamber. The overgrown lizard glances up at the Cabaret clock and winces when he notices the hour. He drums his claws on his pants and contemplates where the birthday feline could be at this instant, then lifts his head only to notice a familiar furry tail flick past the Cabaret's main doors. Wyvern wastes no time and races out into the hall, grabbing Mynx by one of her paws before she has a chance to escape. The birthday pennite curses over being a few seconds too late, then submits to being dragged by Wyvern into the Cabaret quarters.

"Happy Birthday, Mynxxx! This'll only take a minute, just wanna show you the gift I got ya." Wyvern grabs the edge of the veil and pulls it back. Mynx stares at the object with her blind eyes, still making out enough of its shakey form and structure to know that it probably won't last more than a week. "It'sss an Almost Dragonic Brand Luxury Braille Kitty Litter Can™. Perfect for dumping any kitty-related litter, like discarded balls of yarn, discarded birds, and discarded nosey veterinarians. Hope ya like it."

Mynx cautiously takes a step forward towards the Can, then freezes as her keen sense of smell picks up on something strong.

"Ugh. What's that smell?"

"Oh! That'sss right, I almost forgot to mention: the litter within the Kitty Litter Can is made of 90% incinerated Mint Leaf Golem, meaning that it will get rid of any nasty smells coming from the litter you toss into it... in fact, once the smell has wafted through your entire room, it'll be imposssible to distinguish the smell of anything from anything else!" Wyvern grins and gives Mynx a slight shoulder nudge. "Trust me, it comesss in handy for the discarded nosey veterinarians."

With that, Wyvern pats Mynx on the back and goes about setting out a bag of Reply Raven treats in honor of Falcon2001's birthday... or in the hopes of initiating the Kitty Litter Can to its first discarded bird, if William and co. happen to be absent! ;-)

OOC: Happy Birthday Mynx, I hope you have a great one. :-) And a Happy Birthday to Falcon2001 as well, here's hoping you're doing well.

Wyvern whistled an upbeat rendition of "Your Geld is My Geld" as he marched down one of the central halls of the Pen with pride. The overgrown lizard grinned from ear to ear as he paced forward, the echo of Ran Yoko's deafening cry lost on his thoughts as he stared down at his clamped claws. The search of Cerulean's chamber had been fruitless, but when Mynx had scuffled with another of the ninja minions in the hall, Wyvern had seen it. Standing on a ledge of expensive Pen pottery, frozen, trying its very best to blend in... but Wyvern had destroyed that ledge at least ten times in previous accidents, and knew it by heart! And now, he was going to be widely respected and adored by the Pen for his thrilling accomplishment. Indeed, the discovery of the guilty stealth sprite would propel Wyvern to fame, glory, and eventually sex symbol status.

"lemme out, lemme out!" A high-pitched prankster voice echoed from the cramped space within Wyvern's claws. "i'll lay off the ninjas, i swearz!"

"Quiet, you." Wyvern growled in the direction of his claws. "You've causssed quite enough mischief around here, even for me! After I parade you around like a trophy and take the credit that's due, yer gonna be ssscolded so badly that you'll stop playing ninja pranks for life."

"nooooooooo!" The tiny voice wailed. "not scolding, anything but that!"

"Hrmph, serves ya right! You'll rat out all yer buddies hiding in the Keep by the time I'm done with you as well." Wyvern snorted, then raised his head up and noticed a group of pennites slowly forming and moving down the hall towards him. Ran Yoko, Sora Hikari, Orlan, and many others... the perfect opportunity to brag about his find. Wyvern raised his clamped claws with a gleefull hiss. "Hey folksss, guess what I found?"

Wyvern grinned to himself as the pennites continued approaching, but his smile faded once he saw the anger and frustration in their eyes. He stepped back as the mob began shouting curses in his direction, and turned to run as Sora Hikari's Staff of Many Weapons tranformed into an Anti-Wyvern mallet. Wyvern skidded down the hall and gritted his teeth as he turned into the Assembly Room, instantly slipping on the spandex ninja suites that now entirely covered the floor. He lost grip of the stealth sprite as he fell, watching in horror as it darted under the spandex.

"QUICK, sssomebody catch that sprite!" Wyvern pointed in the direction of a small shape under the ninja spandex on the floor, which appeared to be moving in the direction of an air duct on the Assembly Room wall. "Ah geeze, MOVE! The fate of the Pen's ninja infestation depends on it!"

The news cameras once again focus on the ruined broadcasting basement, only this time, Wyvern's red scales contrast with the blackened tabletop and background of the chamber. The overgrown lizard's snout stays fixed on a pile of soot that he fluffs with his claws, and it takes several minutes before he realizes that the jarring prerecorded Almost Report theme has come to a close. He bobs a claw up and down to calm the frantic troglyodyte signaling to him off-screen, then lifts his head and waves to the numerous lenses with a nervous laugh.

"Hi there, and welcome to another Almost Report. Now dirtier than ever, thanks to the help of surrounding pennites... or lack thereof." Wyvern sneers and winks to the camera, then pulls a sheet from under a fluff of dust. He clears his throat and taps the sheet a bit in the hopes of making it more visible. "Alasss, we regret to inform Whisky Hotshot Malone spectators that her conscipuous extended absence signals the end of this report's costumed shenanigansss. We can only hope that the show's ratings will stay afloat without an attractive intern to hold people's attention... with any luck, the increased dirtyness of the reporting will keep people's ears and eyes open in disbelief!"

Wyvern rubs his claws together in a sinister manner, then pauses and reaches out to stop a cluster of soot from sliding off of a fluffy-looking miniature figurine. He waves a claw in the air for a moment to shake off the dirt, then turns back to his sheet of paper with a rather timid expression.

"Anyway, in this evening's newsss..." Wyvern stares at the sheet for a long moment, then whistles a hiss-sigh and lifts the page up for the cameras to see. Almost dragonic doodles have been scrawled across the paper, with several stick figures with Xs for eyes and a few loosely sketched product blueprints standing out. "Well, no news persay, but there are these little drawings that I made out of boredom which I'd be happy to share with you. I'm particularly proud of these two."

Wyvern points towards two mangled stick figures, which look identical and could have easily been mistaken for random scribbles if a claw hadn't been pointed in their direction.

"I call it 'Stick Figure Cow and Cow-Eating Stick Figure Cyclops.'" Wyvern lifts his snout with an air of pride. "Part of the Almost Dragonic Brand Post-Modern Contemporary Neo-Futuristic Nonsensical Art Series™ - ya betta asssk somebody! Also, be sure to check out my brand new line of e-pets: Almost Dragonic Brand Soot-E-Pets™. 15 geld per pet, and it all goesss to the good cause of cleaning some of the dirt from this basement *hint hint*. Just feassst your eyes on these adorable creatures."

Wyvern waves a claw towards the table, and the cameras zoom in to capture the outlines of several figurines scattered across it. Clumps of soot gathered into vague animal-like shapes dot the table, including a mini-gryphon and a tiny soot lizard with a scorpion tail.

"Huggable, loveable, unwashable... And best of all, they've even got bobble-heads! See?"

Wyvern swats the head of a mini-wolf Soot-E-Pet and it promptly begins bobbing back and forth, causing a huge flurry of dust to cloud the room. The surrounding cameras blank out one at a time, gradually deciding that the dust cloud won't be dying out any time soon...

Hmmm... after examining this piece, I still can't seem to find a connection between the last line and the rest of the poem. Is the implication of the last line that human forces are causing the wing difficulties, or was that line just thrown in as an afterthought? If the last line is meant to engage some aspect of the poem, then you might consider bringing out that theme more in the stanzas preceding it. If it was placed there as an afterthought, I think that dropping it and ending the poem with "Or did I decide not to try after all?" would strengthen things a bit.

"Hey hey, hey, HEY!" William pounces up from his spot on the floor as he watches Stick fasten the last of the geld purse straps to his belt. Ran Yoko pouts as her mini-doodle of a cartoon lizard is cut short by a nostril, and her pen is swatted aside by an unintentional tail swap as William storms towards Stick. The "librarian" raises a glove and makes a swipe for his geld purse, lumbering forward under the weight of his robes and cursing as Stick easily dodges the attempt.

"Up already?" Stick grins and unhooks the purse from his belt, holding it up high and dangling it like bait. "Whatever happened to 'Body Stat 0'?"

"I'll have you know that thisss counts as a profit-bearing situation, young man! That purse will lead to the storing of more profits. Errrr... library donation profitsss, that is. Yes, no mortal should possess such a vital Library artifact!" William stands on his tip toes and stretches upwards in an attempt to grab the purse. He freezes up as a ripping sound drifts from the back of his costume, ceasing his stretching as he goes still. "Oh great, perfect... I don't suppose one of you kind adventurers might do tailor work parttime?"

I read through this story for the third time this evening, and think that it's excellent Quincunx. :-) The events of Tzim's death and ritualistic ressurection were all very intriguing, as was the way that Tzimfemme reacted in front of Rydia and Minta upon remembering the details. It took me a solid minute to realize that Tzimfemme had sunk her fingernails into her skull, even after seeing it written so clearly in the text... like Minta pointed out in the story, I think it's easy to forget that she's undead at times! There was more dialogue in this story than I'm usually accustomed to from Quincunx tales, but the exchanges were all very thought-provoking and witty. All of the characters were vivid, as usual... If "In the City" hinted at Ludmilla's despicable nature, then the backstory here definitely cemented it. Outcasting your daughter to the streets is one thing, but writing off Tzimfemme's death as a suicide was just plain cold. Once again, this story had a highly personal feel to it in the way that the fantasy seemed to reflect a certain reality. When Tzimfemme posed the questions about conceiving children to Rydia, for example, I could see you posing those questions to yourself. I think that that intimacy really bumps the writing up to another level, though naturally some details end up being lost on the reader due to their highly personal nature.

On another note, this story leaves me feeling slightly worried about the union of the Quincunx... I realize they always quarrel amongst themselves, but something about Rydia and Minta's general anger towards Tzimfemme spelled "imminent change" to me, even though the anger was merited given Tzim's snide remarks. I'll be on the lookout for a followup examination of those boulder symbols on the Pen grounds... here's hoping that Tzim can find some way to break Minta's contract of the soul! If one of the beloved Quincunx were at stake, I'm sure that Wyvern would even be willing to part with that photo he stole from Satan in support of the cause...

Wyvern scampers into the Cabaret Room pulling a tall metallic platter by a pully attached to his stinger. The cart weaves left and right as Wyvern prances through the room with reckless abandon, narrowly missing several brand new replacement vases and almost running over Mynx as he screeches to an unstable halt. The overgrown lizard lifts a claw to catch the dull metal lid of the platter before it tips over, then digs into his pocket and pulls out a chocolate-covered desert chime. He rings it with a claw, then licks his fingers and hisses:

"Free cake fer all in honor of Patrick's B-day! First come, first serve." Wyvern removes the lid of the platter with both hands, revealing a tall frosted pastry in a brown basket ressembling a tool kit. The layers of the pastry curve upward in swirls like a giant screw, and multi-colored sugar streaks line its surface like live wires. "It'sss an Almost Dragonic Brand Crumby Nuts N' Boltz Cake™, fixed up in honor of Patrick's continual devotion to administrative enchantments at the Pen. Alwaysss appreciated buddy. Dig in."

A long moment of silence passes as noone dares to set foot near the cake. Finally, Whisky in Babylon decides to approach Wyvern and whispers something into his ear.

"What, the dead mouse? Oh no, it'sss supposed to be up there... it's Patham's birthday as well y'know." Wyvern stares up at the dead mouse that crowns the towering cake confection and sneers. "Just avoid eating the rat poison frosting on the cake's tip and you should be fine. Here's hoping the birthday owl arrives here before the Grim Squeaker, though..."

;-)

OOC: Happy Birthday, Patrick! Thanks once again for all your hard work in solving technical glitches, modifying the skins and keeping the Pen boards as upgraded as they need to be. Oh, and thank you for being you as well. :-)

Very nice poem, Nyyark. :-) The "Like drowning slowly, missing the reaper's cue" line really stood out to me, both for its excellent wording and for its placement in the poem as a means of describing pace. Your uses of sonnet form are also very effective, as the rhyme schemes resonate throughout it without feeling blunt or forced. I think that I personally liked the first six lines of the poem more than the final four, as the personification of Melancholy and "wounds healed" theme weren't quite as intriguing to me as the "reaper's cue" or the "Familiar water," but the poem gels together well when all's said and done. Good stuff, thanks for posting it.

The pirate news cameras shift their positions and focus on what appears to be pitch blackness. Wyvern lets out a deliberate cough and turns in his seat at the broadcasting basement table, revealing a faint outline of the black objects and figures in the room. The overgrown lizard taps his blackened claws across the blackened tabletop, then brushes another layer of black soot from his scaly head and hisses:

"Welcome to the Almost Report, reporting to you weekly through rain or... sssoot." Wyvern stares towards the cameras with what might have been a glum expression had it been visible. "Lemme kick this episode off with an apology to Whisky Hotshot Malone enthusiasts drooling over the prossspect of another new costume. I'm afraid the bessst we can do this episode is Whisky Hotshot Malone covered in soot, if she shows up. TNT-related damages have left the Almost Report's news basement feeling a little dirty, which has counteracted our regular high levels of dirtyness. We're urgently in need of a cleanup to lessen our health hazard ratings by 10%... if there're any pennites who are handy with a mop that'd be up to the task, it'd be greatly appreciated! Feel free to drop right in if ya wanna spiffen things up a bit."

Wyvern flaps his wings twice, and a cloud of black dust obscures whatever faint outline was there. The outline becomes visible again a couple of minutes later, once the dust has settled.

"*cough* Obviously, these ain't the bessst reporting conditions, though fortunately there're very few news itemsss to cover." Wyvern shuffles through his blackened sheets as if they were still readable. "In this evening's news: a reminder that a theme music technician is ssstill needed to head the Almost Report's sound effects and marketable soundtrack! The musssician can be of any musical background, but must be able to play his/her instrument in strenuous conditions, including cost-effecient uses of soundboards and soot clogging. Auditions directly following this report, or any report after this one... sssimply show off your skills right here with a post, and we'll consssider hiring ya! (salaries range from 0.00 geld to 0 geld, non-negotiable)."

Wyvern pauses for a moment and takes a bite of his soot-covered Almost Dragonic Brand Sootsie Roll™. He gags and raises a claw to his snout, then spits a blackened loogie to the floor and continues:

"In other newssss: a reminder to please send in your news items via PM if ya have something you want reported to the masses. Be it truth or dare, I guarantee I'll find some way to distort it and make it profitable!"

With that, Wyvern bows and flaps his wings thrice, causing the outlines to once again fade to black.

"15 geld?!" Wyvern snorts a laugh that ends in an ash-clogged cough. He sticks his snout in the air and raises a claw, shaking his head. "I ain't paying hard currency for something that you'd usually have to pay emergency maid service to remove! Niccce try, though."

"Suite yourself..." The ninja minion shrugs and turns to walk off in the direction of Ran Yoko. "But I hear that sock shrooms are in with the goblin teens these days."

"Hrrmmm." Wyvern lowers his head and raises a claw to his chin. He contemplates Miho's statement for a moment, then growls to himself and dashes off after her. The overgrown lizard races in front of her and spreads his wings to block her path, loudly clearing his throat. "Hold on now, maybe we could come to sssome sort of compromise... I'll trade ya 3 geld, 4 'half-a-geld-off Almost Dragonic Brand Previously Worn Xmas Stockings™' flyers, and this Almost Dragonic Brand Champion Razor Frisbee™ for the whole stock of sock mushroomsss and a bit of fungi on the side. A one-time only offer, think it through!"

William Pompousissy glances over his revised character sheet as he approaches the other members of the questing party, only to pause at the sound of slithering flesh. He straightens his gray Librarian robes a bit, making sure the Akashan Library's crossed eagle quill symbol is clearly visible on the front, then lifts his head to inspect the scene. He snorts at the sight of the morphing minizombie, and grins as he spots the gnomish girl associated to it.

"Hiya Minta, watcha-" William Pompousissy snaps his jaw shut in mid-sentence and quickly clears his throat. He fiddles with his moustache a bit, accidentally turning it upsidedown. "Errrr, *ahem*, that is ehhh, allow me to introduce myssself to you all. The name is William Pompousissy, and I'm a big shot at the Akashan Library. That's right, THE Akashan Library. Don't go asking me for any Akashan Library cards though... those're reserved fer legends, immortals, demi-gods, and wyverns n'such."

William Pompousissy nods to the adventurers, then goes back to looking over his character sheet. He wags his scaly tail a bit in spite of himself as a mischievous thought pops into his mind, causing him to burst into a fit of snickers. The librarian turns his back to the adventurers for a moment and pokes a claw out from one of his gloves. He scratches out the '1' from his Body stat, then readjusts his glove and turns back towards the adventurers with a sneer, character sheet in hand.

"Asss you can all see, the 0 Body stat in my character statistics renders me immobile in all situations not involving profit." William Pompousissy drops to the ground and lies down, keeping only his wings in check as he spreads his weight. "I will need someone to carry me for the rest of the time. No need to fight over who will undertake the task... I will allow you to take turns with it if you so desire!"

;-)

Last night, I went and saw The Undisputed Truth tour featuring Brother Ali, Psalm One, Boom Bap Project, Toki Wright and BK One at Slim's in San Francisco.

I had heard that the Chicago show of this tour got sold out, so I decided to order tickets in advance for a change, despite the painful preorder service charge of 13 dollars for three tickets. The show in San Francisco did end up getting sold out, so I'm glad I reserved the tickets a week beforehand! My sister and one of her friends from UC Davis came down to check this show out with me, and we got to the venue in time to position ourselves in about the second row of the crowd. It was ages since I'd last been to Slim's, and it was somehow a much larger venue than I remembered it being, with a significant crowd space and a large stage. It was an all-ages event, which might partially explain why the venue got filled

After the usual hour of waiting, Toki Wright took the stage as the host of the evening and performed a couple of tracks as a warm up. Toki was one of the least established of the evening's acts, with no official album to his name, but he has a lot of respect in his hometown of Minneapolis and has rocked a number of guest spots on people's albums. He was probably the least impressive stage show of the evening, however, as his mic was on a bit too low and there was nothing really unique to make his performance stand out. He seems to be a skilled M.C, though, and I'm sure that his album will be good when it drops.

Boom Bap Project took the stage as soon as Toki Wright finished the last song of his mini-set, and they killed it with an excellent performance. Boom Bap Project is a Seattle-based group consisting of Destro Destructo and Karim a.k.a Nightclubber Lang, with DJ Wicked backing them up on turntable duties. Some folks might recall their name from my Best CDs of 2005 list, and their back-to-basics approach to hip hop worked wonders in concert. It might be the way that their beats and hooks cater to a live setting or it could be the energy they display and the way they move around the stage, but Boom Bap Project definitely put on a great set that got the crowd open. Highlights included a freestyle referencing a number of things in San Francisco and an impressive set of scratching from DJ Wicked. One of the best performances of the evening.

BK-One spun a very well-mixed DJ set in the time between Boom Bap Project and Psalm One's sets, with Toki Wright backing him up as a host and hypeman to get the crowds moving. BK-One mixed everything from new beats and old school hip hop tracks to classic songs by James Brown and even Jackson Five. It was a very cohesive and fluid DJ set, though naturally a large part of the crowd was impatient for the other performers to get on.

Psalm One was next up to perform, and she brought along her fellow Chicago rapper friend Longshot as a hypeman. I've been a fan of a lot of Psalm's recorded material for a while now and consider her one of the stronger female M.Cs working in hip hop today, but when I saw her open for People Under the Stairs last year her set didn't impress me much. She was a lot better this time around, partially because more people seemed to be appreciative of her humorous lyrics and partially because of Longshot's help. I still don't think her live set quite lives up to quality of some of her recorded stuff, but I really enjoyed it never the less. I'm a big fan of Longshot's work as well, and this is second time I've seen him in concert as a hypeman... still waiting on the day he gets on a national tour with a set of his own! Anyway, it was a very good set, with Psalm's performance of the tracks "Beat the Drum" and "Flashy Slang" standing out in particular.

BK-One and Toki Wright put on another brief set after Psalm finished, but most of the music was drowned out by the crowds chanting "Ali." It seems that Brother Ali has established quite a devout following for himself, and the crowds started getting super-hype when he took the stage as the evening's headliner. Brother Ali is one of the best M.Cs in hip hop at the moment, as he excels in pretty much every aspect of rapping: he has a powerful voice, an impeccable flow, excellent lyrics, and delivers all of his music with passion and sincerity. His set this evening was not quite as energetic as the previous sets I've seen from him at live shows, but was still a quality performance that had his fanbase going nuts. He performed all of his best tracks, including "Forest Whitiker," "Blah Blah Blah," "Take Me Home," "Walkin Away," and of course the sure-fire concert rocker "Star Quality." The highlight of the set was the performance of "Pedigree" in his encore, which started with the regular track and then gradually turned into an acapella that merged several excellent verses from his other tracks together. It was definitely a good show, and it's great to see that Brother Ali has such a large following now.

Wrapping things up, here are two videos from the show. The lighting of the venue unfortunately made for quite a lot of blur, but at least the audio came out O.K:

Boom Bap Project freestyle snippet:

Psalm One "Mountain High" snippet, over an alternative beat:

Very good poem, Mardrax. :-) I think that language poetry has been my favorite style of poetry in recent years, and I really like the way that you twist the form and arrangement of words of this piece to challenge the reader's perception. I think I get the most out of this piece when I read the columns in from top to bottom, though reading the words horizontally had a very interesting effect as well, particularly with the way that the ends of the first and second columns came together. Reading it from top to bottom seems more in line with the dissolving element at the end of the piece, with the columns getting shorter as they move along. I also really like the way you spread "dissolve" out and cut it off at the end of the vertical piece, though in terms of arrangements I didn't find the initial repetition of "Involve," "Revolve," and "Everything" quite as intriguing as the rest of poem.

Anyway, great stuff Mardrax. :-) Thank you for sharing it.

DoctorEvil keeps his fist raised and slowly turns his head as the sound of diabolical laughter fills the room. Wyvern steps out from the shadows with a toothy grin, dressed in the robes of a high military beaurocrat with a line of medals ranging from "Most Slovenly" to "Least Likely to Care About Valid Complaints." Wyvern claps his claws as he approaches the good (Evil) Doctor, and pulls out a book of records with an innocent whis(s)tle.

"An exxxccccellent piece of soapboxing, as always Heir Doctor." DoctorEvil takes a step back as Wyvern moves forward, not wanting to be caught in the presence of a prissy Elder (or in Wyvern's bad breath, for that matter). The overgrown lizards smugly leafs his way through the record tome, then sets a claw on a bookmarked page. "Not to burst yer bubble... but according to the records here, it ssseems that the last roll call passed without any sign of Weenie Awards."

Wyvern turns the book so that it's facing DoctorEvil and lifts a claw to a marking at the bottom of the page. The Doctor raises a brow at the results of the last roll call, then lifts a hand to his chin. His eyes widen as a cold expression overcomes his face."

"But that means...?!"

"Yesss!" Wyvern lets out a gale of maniacal laughter and snaps the record book shut. "The Elders arissstocracy will now strip you of the shiny new Weenie Awards you so proudly display! Better start protesting your right TO Weenie Awards, I'd say!"

;-)

OOC: Nice to see you 'round, Doc.

The torches of the broadcasting basement slowly light up as Wyvern makes his way through the discarded magazines and costume catalogues that dot the pirate news station's floor. The lizard pins a stray copy of "Naughty Nymph Magazine - Extra Wood Edition" on his tail stinger for post-news entertainment, then seats himself at the nearest broadcasting stool and points both claws towards the cameras. The reptilian Elder lets his tongue hang loose and waggles it around while waving his claws up and down, all in a failed attempt to look cool.

"Greetingsss unfaithful Pen viewers! Welcome to another episode of the Almost Report, your one-stop Wyvern banter spot." Wyvern winks to the cameras and cocks his feet onto the tabletop. "Co-ssstaring Whisky Hotshot Malone, who should be eye-candied out in a mammoth fur coat and little else this evening if all goesss according to plan. Ssstay tuned."

Wyvern waves a claw carelessly in the air, causing a news box to appear in the righthand corner of the screen. The box displays a red background, with the letters "TNT" written across it in white.

"In this evening'sss news, I'd like to announce that the Almost Report is officially seeking a musical mastermind to work the show's sound effects and intro music. Be it xylophone, hammer and gong, trashcan lid, or simply screeching cat, any individual who works an instrument, dresses snappily, and is willing to work for 0.00 geld or less can qualify for the position. No actual musical experience? Not a problem! Jussst drop by the broadcasting basement and show us watcha got, and we might be inclined to hire ya on the ssspot!"

Wyvern flashes a toothy grin to the cameras, then turns to a scrap of paper tacked on the skull-and-crossbones table. The overgrown lizard snaps a claw in the air, and the news box in the upper-righthand corner retains its red background and white "TNT" lettering.

"In further news, the sssupposedly sportive Pen month of May has been less-than-physically active, with pennites largely retreating to their reclusive nooks and crannies with good books and bad books (i.e textbooks). Then again, the Questersss are still at large, and rumor hasss been circulating of other sporting events in the works. Keep tuning into the Almost Report fer the latest scoops!"

Wyvern circles a claw in the air, and the news box in the righthand corner of the screen continues to portray a red background with white "TNT" letters across it. The overgrown lizard tilts his snout as he notices the lack of change on the screen, then breathes a sigh of frustration and removes his feet from the tabletop. He approaches the box with a grumble and raises a claw to see what's wrong with it this time, only to find that the red box is in fact a physical object suspended in midair. Wyvern frowns as he picks up a black cable connected to the bottom of the box, and sidesteps along the cable's length until he follows it off-screen...

The recent emergence of a new batch of Ben & Jerry's flavors merits a taste-testing report here, especially given the highly experimental nature of this batch of flavors. This is possibly the most unappetizing-looking set of flavors that Ben & Jerry's has ever put out. Still, braving the waters yielded some tasty results. The flavors in question:

Ben & Jerry's Stephen Colbert's American Dream Ice Cream - Yet another celebrity-oriented Ben & Jerry's flavor, this one associated to the comedian Stephen Colbert. Fortunately, Colbert's tastes pull through, as the combination of vanilla bean ice cream, caramel swirl, and chocolate-covered waffle cone pieces is a very nice blend. The waffle cone pieces offer a pretty unique flavor that courses through the vanilla ice cream, and the caramel enrichens the whole thing. My only complaint is that the waffle cone pieces are not as large as the chunks I usually expect from Ben & Jerry's flavors. This is the most tasty-looking of the new flavors, and pretty much meets the expectations set by the carton. Worth trying.

Ben & Jerry's Crème Brûlée Ice Cream - I love the occasional crème brûlée for dessert as much as the next person, but the concept of crème brûlée ice cream disgusted me at first. I mean, isn't the purpose of a blowtorched dessert sort of defeated when it's frozen in a carton? Still, I was curious enough to give it a shot, and I must say that Ben & Jerry's have made me eat my words. Their Crème Brûlée flavor is excellent, and is possibly the highlight of their recent batch. The vanilla-custard ice cream and caramel swirl are quite a unique taste to begin with, but it's the pieces of crème brûlée crust that really bump this flavor to another level. The crust is exactly what you'd expect from a crème brûlée: crunchy and chewy at the same time, plus loaded with caramel flavor. They add a texture and flavor to the ice cream that definitely make it a keeper... I only had a scoop, but could probably have gone with a whole carton.

Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Bun Ice Cream - Eeehhhhh, no thanks. This is probably the most disgusting-looking out of all the new flavors, and unfortunately it doesn't quite make the grade for me. To its credit, the flavor is not half as bad as its title, ingredients, or Cinnamon Bun packaging would suggest. In fact, major fans of cinnamon might be able to get a lot out of this flavor, as it consists of cinnamon ice cream with a generous cinnamon swirl and pieces of cinnamon bun dough. I think I'm unfortunately biased against the flavor as I've never been a fan of cinnamon buns to begin with, and this ice cream pretty much stays true to their flavor. I finished my cone, but doubt that I'd order it again.

Ben & Jerry's Banana Split Ice Cream - Strawberry and banana ice cream with a fudge swirl, fudge chunks, and walnuts; all of which are meant to emulate the experience of having a banana split sundae, of course. I'm generally not a fan of banana ice cream, including the Ben & Jerry's flavor "Chunky Monkey" which I consider one of their rare misses, but my curiousity got the best me and I gave this one a shot. It's not something that I regret trying, but is probably not something I would order again. The most interesting combination of tastes in this flavor is the way the fudge swirl compliments the banana ice cream, but I'm still not a fan of banana ice cream (or fruit ice cream in general, for that matter).

Ben & Jerry's Willie Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler Ice Cream - Another real oddity here... Ben & Jerry's take on peach cobbler combines peach ice cream with a peach swirl and pieces of shortbread. The peach flavor was surprisingly refreshing, despite my general distaste for fruit ice cream, but the peach swirl had a very strange texture to it. I'm not sure if it's because it's actually a peach and shortbread swirl, or if it's a case of ice cream temperature and the slow thawing process, but the swirl of peach seemed to be anything but smooth. Still, the shortbread pieces were quite a nice touch, and I think there may have been some small peach chunks to dig into as well. Not a bad flavor overall, but nothing mindblowing either.

Ben & Jerry's Fossil Fuel Ice Cream (with New Crunchy Fudge Swirl) - This is not really from the new batch of flavors, just a revision of one of Ben & Jerry's old flavors. The revision is substantial enough to merit its own review, however, as the new crunchy fudge swirl makes Fossil Fuel taste and feel like an entirely new flavor. I think that ultimately, the change is for the better... I've dismissed the Fossil Fuel flavor in the past for being a pale imitation of the superior Dublin Mudslide flavor, but this new fudge swirl sort of kills that comparison. The swirl consists of what feels like melted Nestle Crunch bars, and the vanilla cream ice cream and chocolate chocolate chip cookies remain great. Recommended.

In terms of other new flavors, I still need to try Banana Split and [edited: 5/26/07] Willie Nelson's Peach Cobbler[edited: 7/21/07]. I'll edit this post with reviews of'em once I get around to them (if I get around to them).

An oddly dressed figure stumbles onto mai's lawn in a hurry, a flyer clutched in one glove and a less-than-shiny badge held in the other. The stretchy plastic human mask and its excessive black moustache do little to disguise the scaly snout that juts from the figure's face, and the formal gray robes that cover his body aren't large enough to hide the pair of wings that rip at the fabric on the back. The figure trips over the bottom of his robes as he sprints forward, swerving and narrowly missing Stick with his tail. He ducks the flying pen and almost slips over a stray jawbreaker, darting past Ran Yoko and finally screeching to a halt at mai takekaze's door. He pounds on the door with one of his gloves, and continues pounding louder and louder until mai opens it with an aggravated glare.

"Excuse me, but I was wonderin' if I'm too late to sign up for this?" The figure tosses the flyer in mai's direction, accidentally swatting him on the face with it. "My name'sss Wy- errrr, William Pompousissy. Yes *ahem*. You may have heard of me through the legend of the Akashan Library, for I am the head curator there. Indeed *ehem*. I would like to accompany the adventurersss on this mission in the hopes of plunder- uhmmm, documenting things for my really really big library. Quite *cough*. Here are my credentials, in case you're unaware of my super-ultra-legendary status."

William Pompousissy raises his cheap plastic Askashan Library badge, then hands mai takakaze a sheet of paper from his Devil's Advocate folder. Mai raises a brow as he looks it over, finding little more than a blank sheet.

"Know that I'm incredibly stuck-up - I wouldn't be a part of the Akashan Library if I wasn't." William stifles a snicker. "Here's my stat sheet, by the way. I do so hope you will consssider it."

Mai looks over the new sheet of paper with a frown.

Name: William Pompousissy

Occupation: Head Curator of the Akashan Library

Secondary Occupation: intellectual sissy

Favorite Food: lima beans (hah!)

Favorite Color: Pink (HAH!)

Favorite Animal: Leech (HAWH!)

 

Attributes:

Position of Authority lv. 3 (big celebrity around librarians especially!)

Moustache can be detached and tossed as a fluffy projectile (losing hair by the day, HAH!)

 

Defects:

Pompous and Vain

Extreme Cowardice

Awkward Intellectualism

Inept Combat

Not so Fast

Not so Strong

Not so Tough

Owned by the Library

Excessive Pansy-ism

Sensory Impairment - he generally sucks at everything

Wanted - by the Akashan Library for identity theft filing books

Wyvern reads over Degorram's poem, guffaws at the twist ending, and applauds the piece in the knowledge that it was probably concieved during the rest of the Math lecture in question. Wyvern steps up to Degorram and pats her on the shoulder, flashing one of his signature toothy grins and moving his other claw towards a sack of recent Almost Dragonic products.

"I ssssympathize with the Math struggle, Degorram... they should set the curricular requirements to 'geld accounting' and leave it at that." Wyvern pulls out a thin cardboard mask with a rubberband attached to the back and passes it in Degorram's direction. Degorram raises a brow at the crayon-colored red lizard face on the front, noting the unrealistically wide eyes. "Thisss Almost Dragonic Brand Wyvern Decoy Mask™ will leave you looking inconspicous and awake for the duration of a class period, and can be yours for a mere 15 geld. Of course, if you actually want it to work, you'll have to deck out the rest of your features to ressemble a wyvern as well... lucky for you, it just so happens that I'm ssselling a fake wings and fake tail combo for a mere 280 geld! All purchases come with a free Almost Dragonic Brand Cheap Homework Excuses Encyclopedia™, which includes such Pen favorites as 'lumpenproletariat turned it to propaganda' and 'Orlan wrote his number on it, so I framed it.' Act now, before the teacher notices role call discrepancies!"

;-)

Wyvern examines Book Exhibit A for a moment, scribbles a few notes down, and immediately sets about scheming up a competitive Quincunx title. The overgrown lizard scraps together a few pages of Almost Dragonic Brand Cliffhanger Notes™ for Tzimfemme mythology, then gives them the deluxe art treatment in the form of a custom dustjacket:

Wyvern proudly sets the pamphlet next to Yui's Exhibit, slaps a "Book Exhibit W" sticker and a "200 geld" price tag onto it, then turns towards the onlooking pennites with a grin.

"I was thinkin' o' contacting Lady Godiva for an add blurb... anyone got that babe's e-mail address handy?"

;-)

Wyvern scratches his scaly chin as he reads over the smellier parts of Ran Yoko's poem, sniffing at the air every couple of seconds to put the honored guest's current pair of socks to the test. The overgrown lizard snorts when he picks up on little more than a faint scent of pine and a hint of Norman the Runt's fishbone sandwich lunch from the Muse and Quill Cafe. He marks the final line of the poem with a claw and turns towards Ran Yoko with a toothy grin.

"Hmmm... y'know, I could use some o' those mushrooms of yers as an ingredient for my Almost Dragonic Brand Extra-Chunky Prosthetic Limb Pizza Batter™." Wyvern lets his forked tongue flick out as he pulls several crumpled pieces of paper out of his front pocket. "Maybe we could strike a lil' deal? How about these five 'half-a-geld-off Almost Dragonic Brand Previously Worn Xmas Stockings™' flyers for a handful of your juiciest sock mushrooms? Heck, I'll even throw in a free sample of the ensssuing pie for good measure."

Wyvern spits on his claw, then raises it in Ran Yoko's direction in the hopes of shaking her hand and sealing the deal.

;-)

The lights of the pirate broadcasting basement flicker on with the sound of many cheap lighters clicking at once. Wyvern slowly saunters into the chamber to the recording of a familiar off-key sports news guitar, his scaly face and snout dotted with numerous tiny bandages. The overgrown lizard sets his Almost Dragonic Brand Champion Razor Frisbee™ down on the messy tabletop, then turns to the news cameras with a slightly pained smirk.

"Hi once again, and welcome to another episode of the Almost Report. In this week's episode: will Whisky Hotshot Malone put the 'Hot' in the camera shot with another tantalizing outfit? But firssst, a little update on the Pen's sport-a-thon month and the various physical activities found there within."

Wyvern motions to someone off-set, and a news image box promptly appears in the upper-righthand corner of the screen. The box displays the noble and heroic faces of Sliver and Karinne for a moment, but the image goes squiggly and suddenly buzzes into a bout of static. Wyvern raises a brow at the distortion, then frowns as the image is replaced by that of a small, vaguely familiar room, which appears to be empty aside from a few crooked coat hangers.

"Sssorry folks, we seem to be experiencing a few technical difficulties." Wyvern grits his teeth and glares angrily at someone off-screen for a second, then turns back towards the cameras with a bright smile. "Well as I was going to say, the #1 sport this Pen seassson seems to be Questing, which is a great way to work your leg muscles while flexin' your dynamic heroism to boot. Apparently, Sliver of the famed Seven has embarked on the most recent Quest exercise, so participants may automatically qualify for a certain celebrity status. I hear Mr. Sliver ranks fairly highly amongst 'Pen hunks' these days in Orlan's absence, but will leave that scoop to Whisky's better judgement later in the report."

Wyvern nods and reaches down to snatch a report scribbled on a cribs note sheet, only to pause as he notices several cameramen turning their heads away from the news basement and standing aghast of something. The overgrown lizard frowns and slowly turns his head to glance up at the news image box, a growing sense of fear setting off several warning alarms in his mind. Still, nothing prepares the lizard for the sight of the troglyodyte undressing live in the news image box. Wyvern screams and covers his eyes with his claws, quickly turning away from the spectacle in the hopes of forever erasing the image of warted butt crack from his brain.

"Oh GAWD, I knew that room looked familiar... I am ssso truly sorry folks, really. Ugh *gurk*! Sorry, oh geeeeze, sssorry. Go figure, outta all the roomsss, it had to be the pirate news basement's dressing room that the damn box got stuck on."

Wyvern waits until a collective sigh of relief signals the departure of the troglyodyte from the dressing room, then exhales a massive breath of air and picks up the news item he'd been fishing for earlier.

"Sorry. *ahem* Anyway, up next, spectator sport enthusiasts will be treated to Ms. Hotshot Malone in another fine costume. Today, I thought we'd go for tennis shorts an-" Wyvern suddenly freezes and perks up as he comes to realization. The lizard stares wide-eyed at the report, then at the dressing room news box, then at the report, then at the dressing room news box, and finally back to the report again. The lizard bites his lip and bunches his claws together in the hopes of containing his excitement. "STAY TU-*ahem* S-s-stay tuned for an extra special Whisky Hotshot Malone presentation."

;-)

I watched "Children of Men" on DVD earlier this evening.

This is possibly the most original science fiction film I've seen since "The Matrix," and is certainly worthy of your time. The premise of the movie is that in 2027, the world has become infertile, with the last child being born 18 years ago. It tosses you right into the setting without any explanation about the despair that's overcome humanity, and lets you absorb the details as it moves along. The two most noteworthy elements of the movie were the camera work, which involved several incredible long drawn out shots, and the set pieces, which range from an utterly chaotic refugee camp to an eerie abandoned elementary school. It's a very tense and fast-paced film, with its fair share of grip-the-edge-of-your-seat moments, so don't watch it if your in the mood for something quiet and contemplative. The movie was not without its flaws, as there were points where the dialogue felt a bit expository, and the very end of the movie was (frankly) corny. I don't think it leaves as big an impact crater in science fiction as "Pan's Labryinth" did for fantasy, but it's still a very well put together movie with some serious camera work techniques. Recommended.