Wyvern

Last night, I saw "The Host" on DVD. For those who haven't heard of it, "The Host" is a Korean monster movie that's gotten a lot of rave reviews and looked very intriguing from the previews. The film had a lot of nice scene setting and camera work, but overall I found it very average and quite a disappointment. The plot and character development of the movie left something to be desired, and the events and plot progression felt pretty random-for-the-sake-of-being-artistic at times. The movie also dragged for a bit in various spots, and its two hour length was kind of exhausting. On the plus side of things, the mutant walking fish monster was very well-designed and there was a really excellent plot twist involving the monster's disease. Still an average flick, though, and not really something that gets my recommendation. I also ended up watching "Spiderman 3" on a plane ride recently, and I think that I'm leaning more towards Big Pointy One's review of it than Doctor Evil's. While it's not something that I'd pay to go to see in the theatres, I found it surprisingly entertaining and it held my attention the whole way through. To respond to Elvina's criticism - I think that the film's lack of serious elements and predictability were what made it more fun than the other "Spiderman" movies to me. That and Bruce Campbell's guest appearance as a French waiter, which I was not expecting. I pretty much hated the first "Spiderman" movie and didn't bother with the second one, but the lightheaded and comical nature of this one made it pretty darn entertaining to me. In terms of anime series that were recommended to me, I ended up watching all of the series "Texhnolyze," which is a sci-fi anime done by the same studio that did "Serial Experiments Lain." I enjoyed "Lain" despite not being able to understand a good quarter of it, but "Texhnolyze" gets a respectable thumbs down from me. I appreciate a lot of the experimental stuff done in the series, like the first episode having only one line of dialogue in its thirty minute span or the bizarre depiction of the surface world, but I never really felt attached to any of the characters of the series and there were were very few points where the episodes really grabbed me. I also found it FAR too bleak and depressing - this coming from a big fan of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I think "Texhnolyze" is definitely the darkest and most hopeless anime I've ever seen... nothing like watching the coolest character of a series get literally shot into a million pieces near its end. "Texhnolyze" had its moments, but I'm gonna have to shake my head and say pass on this one. Has anyone here seen the "Simpsons" movie yet? I don't have very high expectations for it, but I'd still like to get out and see it at some point. Oh, and Big Pointy One - I have watched "Excel Saga" and did enjoy it for the most part. Actually, I think the two of us discussed it earlier in this thread! :-D

Nice Summer snippets, Kikuyu. :-) I think you do a particularly good job of detailing the unbearable and draining Summer heat in the first few stanzas, as I could definitely feel the moisture of the air in your descriptions... reminded me of Maryland weather, UGH! You should pay a visit to California some time - we don't get the thunder storms you describe here, but we do get rain and more importantly our heat is almost always balanced out by a nice cool breeze. Mmmm... pretty much perfect weather year round, actually.

"Really Regel, thessse're just perfect!" Wyvern paws the Upgrade-to-a-Dragon paraphernalia in a state of almost dragonic wonder, then pulls out a ruler and begins measuring the dimensions of the wingspan. "Yep, looks like these'll fit juuusssst right." "I'm glad, Wyvern. I hope you enjoy th-" Regel pauses and lets his irregularly large grin fall flat, watching as Wyvern begins kicking at the flamethrower and breaking the protective cover on its spout. He raises a finger as the overgrown lizard places a bucket of paint, a cup of paperclips and rubberbands, a stack of "Almost Dragonic Approved" stickers and a pitcher of booze next to the gift items. "Yessssir, these things'll fit perfectly as pieces in my most recent line-up of products." Wyvern flashes a toothy grin and pulls out a blank sheet of paper from his Devil's Advocate folder, handing it to Regel. "Thisss flamethrower will work as a base for Almost Dragonic Brand Combustible Cigar Lighters™, the dragon scale armor is the perfect weight for Almost Dragonic Brand Ship Anchor Lifejackets™, and the wings will definitely pass for Almost Dragonic Brand Mutant Ostrich Feather Fans™! Everything'sss coming together." Regel slowly shakes his head as Wyvern begins folding a cardboard box over the flamethrower in an attempt to make it look more like a lighter. "I think I might package thisss batch together as an Upgrade-to-Almost-a-Dragon boxed set, so that I can mark up the price 600%." Wyvern lets his tongue hang loose and squares his claws. "Waddaya think Reg'?" ;-)

The news cameras pan over what appears to be a homely and well-furnished living room, zooming in on a vast collection of family portraits and memorabilia. A claw reaches up and blocks the visuals of the pleasant display for a moment, scraping against the fragile camera lenses as it pulls a small framed picture from an oak counter. The cameras pull back as Wyvern runs his claw along the glass of the picture with a hair-splitting *SQUEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK*. "Welcome, pennites, to another family unfriendly episssode of the Almost Report. This week, we take you live to Regel's personal lounge, where you'll bear witness to the miracle of Almost Dragonic Brand Cut-n-Paste Priceless Portraits™." Wyvern lets the cut circle of glass fall from the front of the picture, and reaches up to pick a scrap of paper from between his teeth. The overgrown lizard smudges the doodled Wyvern stamp onto a spot next to Regel's image where a baby face had once been, giving the whole picture a more nefarious feel. Wyvern snickers to himself and winks to the cameras, raising a claw to his snout and lowering his hiss to a barely audible whisper. "I'm leaving a couple of these Cut-n-Paste Priceless Portrait jobs as a belated B-day gift... I ssseem to always be late with the well-wishes these days, I guess it just ain't as easy when the person ain't around. Hope ya had an excellent 53rd, Regel!" Wyvern lifts the new version of the picture and examines it for a moment, then scratches his chin and decides to place an imitation silver coin with an etching of a vaguely familiar pennite's face at the tip of the doodle-Wyvern's lollipop. "While I'm at it, I'd alssso like to wish Vincent Silver a happy 19th." Wyvern pauses for a moment, then rubs one of his horns in disbelief. "To my knowledge, Mr. Silver hasn't visited the Pen in agesss and won't be seeing this message, but it's still weird to think about. I mean, I coulda swore the guy was 14 just yesterday?! I guess time flies when yer ogling fine pennite ladies..." Wyvern sets the picture of Regel and the doodle-Wyvern next to a tall picture of Regel with large angel wings. The wings of the picture extend over a certain Wench and a certain Steeldragon, as well as a certain Grinch. Wyvern grins at the nostalgic value of the picture, then snaps a claw in the air and turns back towards the cameras. "In further newsss, I would like to informally welcome OxygenPlant and Silver Wind to the Pen. Please feel free to check out their recent contributions to the Banquet Room and be sure to give them a warm pennite welcome." Wyvern rubs his claws together and sneers towards the cameras, a leftover slither of the doodle stamp still stuck between his razor sharp teeth. "I smell future Almost Dragonic Product investorsss... keep an eye out for those two!" Wyvern turns to test out Regel's comfy-looking sofa, but pauses before his pounce as a final news item pops into his head. "Wrapping things up: another remind to all of you cute Pen babes again that the Almost Report is seeking a new female intern to get all hot and inssspired over." Wyvern snorts up a smoke ring and begins swinging his tail around like a male stripper belt. "Intern mussst be willing to get her skirt dirty once in a while. Love of scales and tail massaging expertise a plus. Jussst send yer love letter PMs to W-Y-V-E-R-N if interested." Static.

I read what's been written of this story so far and enjoyed it, Ran Yoko. :-) It seems like its shaping up to be quite an ambitious piece of writing if the background info of the initial paragraph and the many intriguing details spread through Part 1 are anything to go by! I initially thought this was going to be a story about Alice, though the end of this first part suggests that it may ultimately be more focussed on Kaname... we'll just have to see as the story progresses, I guess. :-) I like how you introduce the characters through scene rather than backstory, and the many magical details you incorporate help in giving them an aura of fantasy. I like the twins and find their interactions quite funny, particularly when paired with Alice's more realistic reactions. They definitely give the piece a kind of "Alice in Wonderland" feel... Kaname may be onto something when she mentions that connection. ^_- Your uses of cats of various shapes and sizes are neat as well, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you use the Akumu Oni later on. Oh, and I like the poem that starts Part 1 as well - especially the last three lines. Anyway, thanks for sharing this Ran Yoko. :-) I'll try and keep up with it as you continue to post it.

Very nice uses of mystical and poetic imagery in this piece, Silver Wind. :-) I particularly like the segment where the "blossom gorges upon itself," as well as the end of the poem with its interesting pale sunburn imagery. The thought of the deeply planted seeds birthing mixed aromas was very interesting as well, though the word "bitter" in the tenth line felt a bit awkward to me in its non-grammatical placement. Still, this is a very nice poem Silver Wind. Thanks for choosing to share it here, and welcome to the Pen! I look forward to reading more of your stuff and seeing you around. :-) With that, Wyvern rubs his claws together and begins scheming ways to harvest his own brand of silver moon roses, preemptively scribbling sketches for Almost Dragonic Brand Total Eclipse Bouquets™ and Almost Dragonic Brand Moon Crater Scent Perfume™...

Nice poem, OxygenPlant. :-) I like the way that you challenge the second person at the beginning of the poem, as it definitely caught my attention and added to the bitterness of that line. I also like how the narrator of the poem admits his/her weaknesses over the course of the poem, as the comparisons to the child and the fool both gave the poem a more personal and contemplative feel. The way that you tie together the reoccurring time frames of the poem at the end was also very nice, though the lines about today being the tommorow created yesterday felt a little too general and vague to hold any meaning to me. Also, I'm not sure if the use of "Four" in the sixth line was intentional or not, but if it was meant to be spelled that way then I think that I missed the meaning of the number in that line. Anyway, this is very nicely done OxygenPlant. :-) Welcome to the Pen! I hope you enjoy sharing more of your stuff here, and look forward to reading more of your works.

Hmmm... an interesting piece, Sora Hikari. :-) The most interesting part of the story for me was how unfavorable an impression the main girl of the piece gave off to me, despite the situation of the piece seeming to be set up in her favor. I ended up sympathizing with the ex-boyfriend in the end... I'm not sure if this was intentional, but if you'd like to evoke more sympathy for the main girl of the piece, I would recommend expanding upon her emotions and her history with the ex-boyfriend. At the moment, I think the reason that I have greater sympathy for her boyfriend is because the girl's emotional struggles feel somewhat melodramatic without a strong backstory, and her decisions to cut herself and to take her boyfriend along with her in her suicide seem very selfish and unnecessary on her part. If I had a better sense of her complete desperation, with some knowledge of the events that give her a reason to feel so much despair upon learning of his betrayal, I think I would have a greater sympathy for her character... though taking someone else's life out of spite in a suicide is kind hard to respect whichever way you look at it. Anyway, this short does have some nice scene setting, with the hospital rooftop and the spiteful fall from grace standing out in particular. Thanks for sharing it, Sora. :-)

The news cameras creak as they move past several foaming kegs of Bruteweiser, focusing on Wyvern's crouching position near the entrance of the Pen Conservatory's alcohol-oriented racing garage. Wyvern pokes the tip of a beer bong between two of his razor sharp teeth, then turns the flow of booze down a few notches so that he can speak without gurgling. He flashes a signature sneer towards the cameras, dribbling booze. "Greetingsss, and welcome to the latest episode of the Almost Report. This week, we take you live to the raceway of the Mighty Pen Beerkeg Boxcar Derby, which currently awaitsss its thirsty cast of participantsss." Wyvern licks a stray drop of Bruteweiser from the side of his snout. "Sssponsored by Almost Dragonic Brand Triceratops Hubcaps™ and Almost Dragonic Brand Shameless Product Slogan Bumper Stickers™, this event is sure to go down in Pen history as one of the most exciting drag races in the history of cross-dres.... errr, drunken reveleries." Wyvern waves a claw to a nearby troglyodyte wearing a booze-proof grease suite. The underling tosses Wyvern a rag to clean his scales with. "Feel free to come on down to test yer hand at drinking, boxcar building, drinking, and racing.'" Wyvern strikes a claws up. "And did I mention drinking? The winner(s) of the race will receive the 26th keg of Bruteweiser to polish off, so victory will never have tasted so bitter!" Wyvern pauses for a moment and lets out a loud belch, causing a small jet of flame to exit from his mouth. Wyvern coughs to himself and stares at the cameras in silence as one of the lighting men in the news crew runs out, screaming and engulfed in flames. He remains silent as several other lizard men in the crew dash out and beat down the lighting man's flames by stomping on him, then clears his throat and continues. "In further newsss this evening, Almost Draconic Recordings continues to implore Pen members to submit their story track selections for the upcoming Mighty Pen "Narratives" mix CD." Wyvern's forked tongue flicks out as he gives the cameras a serious stare. "Only two weeksss left until the submission deadline of August 14th, so ya better start seriously thinkin' about tracks to submit if you want a spot on the compilation! Feel free to sssend any questions concerning this project to yours truly." Wyvern nods to the cameras, then claps his claws together and turns the booze tap connected to his bong up a notch. "To wrap up thisss *gurgle* news segment: the Almost Report is once again in the process of ssseeking *glug* cute female pennites to act as co-hostsss for our weekly broadcast. If you happen to dig scales and have a little mischievous streak about you, you know who to PM *glurglorpurgle* baby." With that, the news cameras swerve off in different directions as the cameramen begin taking to a keg or two themselves...

The last of the dark wooden cylinders is slowly rolled across the bumpy Conservatory floor, making for a grand total of 26 kegs brimming with Bruteweiser. The orcish underlings collapse as they give the heavy booze case a final heave, their dehydrated tongues tasting carpet fiber. Combined together, the many kegs of alcohol seem to take the shape of a large racetrack garage, with various taps and attached beer bongs jutting from the sides like gasoline pumps. Wyvern grins and rubs his claws together at the sight of the structure, then hops on top of one of the collapsed orcs to get a better view of the ventilation fan and booze circulation design. "Exxxcccellent." Wyvern snickers to himself in long hisses, desperately trying to contain his reptilian glee. The overgrown lizard bounces up and down a bit, then turns to the troglyodyte wearing the green racing cap standing next to him. "Everything'sss arranged for the track, then?" "Oh, y-yessir." The troglyodyte licks one of his fingers and examines a checklist,. "Everything in order, sir." "Goooood. Then it'sss all going according to plan." Wyvern grins and looks out over the Conservatory, which has been modified to resemble a large indoor racing arena. The racetrack begins with a straight starting line and a billboard advertising Almost Dragonic Brand X-tra Meady Racing Tires™, then slowly begins to develop curves and small turns as the track progresses. Once the halfway point has been reached, the real obstacles commence... purple fuzzies dot spots on the raceway, embedded in the ground, and orcish acrobats swing by the area and perform stunts in the air. A section of the track cuts by an area that has walls with tubes connected to Waterlilly's greenhouse, from which random tentacles occasionally emerge. The set of three ramps that follow promise leaps of faith over cushions made of several cute and innocent kittens tied together, and the track is topped off by a tunnel resembling a drunken idiot with a wide open mouth. The interior of the tunnel is powered by Almost Dragonic Brand X-tra Secure Idiot Flashlight Lighting™, and eventually reaches the finish line. "I hereby deem thisss racetrack 100% secure in accordance with the Almost Dragonic Brand Security-Shmecurity Racing Guide™!" Wyvern lets out a victorious cackle, then pauses and eyes the troglyodyte with the checklist. "That is, if everything's been arranged." "Y-yessir." The troglyodyte with the cap clears his throat and breaks into a smiley sweat. "Everything arranged, sir... except for the turtle." "What?!" Wyvern grits his teeth and turns to the troglyodyte with an angry glare. "You mean you haven't found Helga yet?! I need her slow pace and hard shell as an obstacle for this course, you think these little mini-obssstacles are going to pose any sort of challenge to creative pennites?! Get yer croonies searching harder, she's gotta be around here somewhere. I mean, she's slow, how hard can it be???" Wyvern throws his claws up in the air, causing the green-hatted troglyodyte to flee. The overgrown lizard breaths a short sigh, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a racing announcer microphone. He raises the mic to his snout, projecting his voice over speakers across the Pen. "Come one, come all, to the Mighty Pen Beerkeg Boxcar Derby! Consssume one or more beer kegs filled with booze and use the empty kegs to design and construct yer own racing boxcar. Then, race other pennite contestants along the custom-built Conservatory racetrack using your vehicle. Partner up, brave it solo, go whichever way ya wanna go... The winner (or winners, if it's a team) of the derby will receive as a prize the sacred 26th keg of Bruteweiser, and will have the honor of finishing this last keg regardless of how hammered they already are. No need to sign up - just join in and start yer drinking as you sssee fit! I'll catch ya at the races." With that, Wyvern licks his lips and begins heading over to the keg garage, determined to do a little "fueling up" of his own.

Cover artwork by Susan Stevens, with additional cropping and lettering by yours truly. "Mightier than the Sword" illustration used with Susan Steven's permission. An additional reminder to folks that I'm still searching for new submissions from pennites for this compilation... I've received nothing since the public announcement of this project. If there's a pennite who you'd like to hear a story track selection from that hasn't been mentioned in this thread yet, I would recommend PMing that person, expressing your interest in their choices of tracks, and directing them to this thread. My deadline for receiving submissions is still set to August 14th until otherwise noted. Please post in this thread or send me a PM if you have any questions concerning the submission guidelines. With that, Wyvern flaps his wings and strikes a bow, leaning back against a Cabaret coffee table and twiddling his claws in anticipation. The overgrown lizard hisses something about appreciating any and all submissions, then reaches for a nearby coffee mug and begins scanning the room for potential Bruteweiser repositories...

I really like this, Mardrax. :-) The figure that you describe over the course of the poem is intriguing in the manner that his power is contrasted with his childlike irresponsibility, and the element of silent mourning and wrecked pride definitely struck a chord. The image of a cleansing through tears was also well done, and the humility that the narrator shows in the line about expressing his will "in snide" was refreshing. In terms of possible things to improve: I was uncertain of the meaning of the word "hide" in the sixth line due to the arrangement of the line. I initially read it as an abstract placement of the verb hide, but now seem to read it as the noun hide... you might consider rephrasing the line to clarify the meaning of the word, unless that ambiguity is intentional. Also, I didn't feel that the parenthesis were necessary in the second stanza... the italics seperate that segment enough as it is, in my opinion. Anyway, very nicely done Mardrax. :-) Thanks for sharing ithis.

Wyvern snorts a ring of smoke and slowly sliiiiidddesssss up to Zool's portrait. "Oh reeeaaaaaallllllly?" Wyvern raises a claw and glances at it in a nonchalant manner. "Well, did I mention that one time, I actually attended a constituent contraband and constable conference, which condescended in its condemning of concise contraceptions while consecutively conducting a contrite and contrived conspiracy congregation?" Wyvern rubs a claw on his chest and lets out a haughty laugh. "Indeed, it wasss a Con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con by anyone's standards. Three con's the superior to your Con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con-con, I might add." Wyvern sticks his snout up and sneers. "It seems I win again, old Bean! Until next time." Wyvern lets out a villainous laugh and cloaks his face, using one of his wings as a makeshift cape. He then does a dramatic twirl and dashes off in a great escape, only to ram into the Cabaret wall as he sprints in the wrong direction. "Urrgh. Let'sss.... call it even...?" ;-)

Wyvern raises a claw to his chin and swings his tail back and forth as he contemplates hig4s's question, staring up at the Cabaret ceiling and squinting as if almost in sight of a flashback. The overgrown lizard suddenly snaps a claw in the air, then dashes off towards the Recruiter's Office without hissing a word. The sounds of papers falling, Office drawers falling, and the Pen Keep's insurance liability falling all echo from the Recruitment quarters in a steady crescendo. Wyvern reemerges holding a cheap and pulpy-looking comic book, and steps back into the discussion circle with a grin. He points at the squiggly doodle cover of the comic, which is mostly covered by a "freebie amateur comic exhibit A" tag. "Well, there was thisss one time when I *almost* made it into a major convention." Wyvern nods to himself and begins counting on his claws. "Judging by the line ahead of me, it would've only taken me two to three weeks to have gotten in ~ tops!" Wyvern uses the plotless comic to wipe a bit of ash from his snout, then stuffs it into the back pocket of his breeches. "Of courssse, I've alwaysss dreamed of hitting up a conman convention... I jussst haven't figured out the logistics of finding a reliable source to direct me to one." Wyvern scratches one of his horns and snorts. "Though strangely, all the false directions have led to the sssame awful conventionality convention..."

This is a powerful piece of prose, Psimon. :-) It not only documents the effects that a prison system can have on an individual and the folly of youth, but also gives a very strong personal impression of Thomas from the narrator's perspective. The way that you interject the narrator's personal views through vivid language never felt forced to me and was beautifully phrased for the most part, particularly with the last paragraph and its Joyce-ian style of free association. My favorite segment of the piece may have been when the narrator described the crime of Thomas and James and spoke about their fall from grace, as the manner they got carried away felt true to life and the narrator's altered impressions of them only added to the effect. I didn't quite understand the reference to Thomas as "Mother" at the very end, though it obviously must be important to the story given the title of the piece. Is there some reason the narrator chooses to give him this nick, or is it just a detail I overlooked? (or a different character altogether?) Very well-written, Psimon. :-) Thanks for sharing this here, it's nice to have you back.

Static screeches over screens across the Pen until the gray fades to shades of bage. The cameras focus on a cushioned bench that Wyvern lays stretched out across, and they zoom in a bit to document the white icing that seems to drip from the lizard's claws. Wyvern nudges himself up as he spots the cameras, then licks his lips to hide some of the evidence and adjusts a birthday hat on one of his horns. "Greetingsss, and thanks for tuning in to the Almost Report - ssspecial pennite birthday edition. This evening, we broadcast to you live from the personal Pen quarters of Big Pointy One, who recently celebrated his birthday without the proper Pen recognition." Wyvern pulls out an Almost Dragonic Brand Banshee Noisemaker™ and begins spinning it, producing a mounting wail. "Well, we here at the Almost Report decided to pay Stick's little house in the trees a surprise visit to drop off a little gift... an Almost Dragonic Brand Shocker-Surprise Home Makeover™ to be exact!" The cameras pan out to reveal a coat of imitation crimson scales covering the walls, and little spots of ash and obsidian sprinkled across the floor. Fake paper dollar bills have also been tacked onto the branches growing outdoors, and a monstrous Almost Dragonic Brand Product Guide™ has been placed on the card table. The table's sturdy legs seem to wobble a bit under the enormous compendium's weight. "Come, follow me into Sliver's room, where further newsss awaits." The cameras follow the gleeful Wyvern into Sliver's chamber, where Almost Dragonic Brand Slingshot Launchers™ and Almost Dragonic Brand Champion Razor Frisbees™ have been added to the arsenal of weapons that clutters the floor. A new lava lamp colors the room in a light shade of red, highlighting an odd miniature crystal ball that floats on top of what could be the rear end of a bazooka. "Besssides the new design, we at the Almost Report have been tinkering with this little psionic bulb in the hopes of sending Psimon a Happy Birthday tune via mental airwaves. So far, no luck... if you happen to be a skilled in the arts of psionicsss and would be willing to give the Almost Report a hand, feel free to climb up to Stick's spot and try yer luck. Until then, I'd just like to wish Psimon a belated Happy Birthday on the air - hopefully the skilled psionic is watching thisss as we speak." Wyvern waves a claw to the cameras and leads them across the hall into Stick's room, where a variety of hawaiin T-shirts have been mixed into the pennite's piles of clothes. An asp slithers its way under an obsidian rock as Wyvern enters into the room, and the reptilian reporter sniffs at the air to make sure that the scent of volcano is still present in the area. He then rubs his claws together and pulls out a doodle of Xeros scrawled on the back of last week's news sheet. "To wrap up thisss special pennite birthday report, the Almost Report would like to welcome Xeros back to the Pen and wish him a Happy 27th. We can alwaysss use a little more evil 'round these parts, so here'sss hoping the stay is more extended this time around." With that, Wyvern tosses the sheet to the side and steps out of Stick's quarters. The cameras begin to fade out, but not before they catch Wyvern making his way towards the kitchen shelves, his claws already clicking in snooping motions, his tongue hanging low at the sight of more leftover cake... ;-)

"BAD sprite." Wyvern shook a claw at the sprite in Yue's hands with a stern frown, then lightened up a bit as the approaching circle of ninjas began to dissipate. He gave Yue a high-five, then grabbed an ancient wine carafe and sawed the bottom of it off with a claw. He raised the carafe like a makeshift loudspeaker and grinned, turning towards the other sprites. "Alright you spritesss, listen up." Wyvern raised a claw in the air like a scaly preacher, ignoring the way that the carafe barely projected his voice. "You've all been naughty, missschevious, awful little imps. How dare you set such a bad example for sprites and ninjas everywhere with yer poor taste in practical jokes? Do you have any idea what an annoyance you've been to countless pennites? You should be asssshamed." The ninja minions began dissolving into worthless spandex garments as the sprites in the chamber started hanging their heads and sulking. A few of the sprites tried to cover their ears and run before it was too late, but were thwarted as the two kittens that had been chasing Almost Dragonic trinkets pounced from behind a covered rocking chair. The cats began playfully knocking the little sprites back and forth with their paws, mewing in glee over their twitches and cries. The sprites raised their arms in a futile effort to defend themselves, leaving their ears open to Wyvern's scoldings. "Really now, I'm going to call your mothers to tell her what a nuisance you've all been." Wyvern struck a victorious grin as the sprites began groaning and curling up into little balls on the floor. He glanced at one of his claws in a nonchalant manner, then breathed a little sigh. "You horrible, nasssty, foolish little pranksters. Yer all lucky I'm such a forgiving wyvern. I'm gonna let you go this once. But any sign of any of your antics around here again, and I swear that you'll have a much harsher punishment. Annoy us again, and I'll imprison you all and make you lisssten to a tape of me scolding you on repeat. Now AMSCRAY!" The stealth sprites hopped to their feet and dashed off in all directions, each of them taking a different mini-exit to get away from the Pen. Cracks, open doors, pipes, ceiling fixtures, you name it. Wyvern crossed his scaly arms and turned to the others with a toothy grin. "Well, that should take care of our ninja epidemic. All in a day'sss work." Wyvern dusted off one of his claws. "Thanksss fer all your help, folks. The real question now is what we're gonna do with all these leftover spandex uniforms... there's such a sssurplus that I don't even think *I* can market them." The gang of pennites stared at the large pile of spandex and contemplated the impending clean-up job for a long moment in silence. Finally, Ryu cleared his throat a bit and pointed at the broken wine carafe in Wyvern's claw. "Say, Wyvern... didn't you say that we shouldn't touch any of the priceless objects in this room?" ;-)

"Oh fiiiinnnne." Wylliam Pompousissy stared up at the sky and let out a snort of smoke, snapping an erotic library novella shut with one claw and keeping his other claw lifted to his visibly scaly snout. "I'll follow the neato necro gnomie without anyone carrying me, consider it a favor. Ssstrictly against Akashan policy, you know, but it's all for the sake of research." William pulled out a book labeled "How to Walk Like a Proper Librarian" and began sauntering after Minta and the zombie, slightly changing his pace with each movement forward. The reptilian librarian slowed his formal step as he reached the jumbled mess of limbs and tangled veins formed by Minta, the zombie, and Stick. "I wonder where that thing was headed?" William scratched his head and moved closer to the zombie mess, ignoring the large cave with the entrance shaped like an open wolf's mouth that rested just down the hill. He also ignored the blood-smeared sign pointing towards the cave that read "NECROMANCER'S SECRET LAIR. Wounded Zombies, Retreat this Way," and chose instead to focus on Minta's chaotic sewing job. William dropped his book on librarian walks and dug out a tome labeled "Anatomical Tailoring," observing the size of the fingerbone needle in relation to the size of Stick's fingers. "Hmmm, I wonder if it might be better to just cut the arm loose and take it as a trophy. I could use it in the development of Almost Dragonic Brand Golfin- errr, important library research." William paused for a moment, then stroked at the scales where his moustache had once been. "Mmmyessssss."

Nice poem, Parmenion. It's definitely a sad piece, both in terms of tone and subject matter. The theme of distance between loved ones is very heartfelt... I'm sure its a subject that resonates with many people here, myself included. It can be so easy to let relationships slip between your fingers, and I think this poem touches upon that nicely. I was somewhat surprised by the "Thank you" at the end of the poem given the sorrow that the narrator displays throughout the rest of it, but on further inspection it doesn't really feel out of place given the way that the narrator acknowledges his weaknesses. Anyway, this is well done Parmenion. :-) Thanks for sharing it.

Very nice poem, hig4s. :-) The main storm and dirt metaphors of the piece were well-executed, as was the personification of material objects and mindstates like greed and optimism. The anti-materialism theme of the piece is also intriguing, and I really like the lines about people being born into philosophy and art prior to the invention of the wheel. "The Whirlwind" is also a very interesting title for the poem, as the manner that the imagery is arranged in it does give off the impression of a whirlwind in a way. In terms of possible things to improve: the fourth line of the third stanza felt a little forced to me due to the placement of the adjective after the noun to enforce the rhyme scheme... you might consider tweaking that line in future revisions, whether it be by finding an alternative to the rhyme scheme or by dropping the rhyme there (I notice that the second to last stanza places less of an emphasis on the rhymes and more on the content). Anyway, this is good stuff hig4s. Thanks for sharing it here. :-) With that, Wyvern hisses in disgust at the portrayal of golden coins and wealth in hig4s's work, and decides to bury his snout into something that places more value in monetary values... ;-)

I was browsing in one of my local records spots today and got to wondering whether there are any other music nerds like myself at the Pen who get excited over upcoming CD releases. Are there any discs that haven't come out yet that you're just dying to get your hands on to listen to? :-) I frequently update a Word document on my computer entirely devoted to album release dates and music that I'm looking forward to. Since I've never been able to contain my excitement over music too well, here are a few of the upcoming discs that I'm really salivating to hear in 2007: Shape of Broad Minds "Craft of the Lost Art" - This is definitely my most anticipated album of 2007... I've been looking forward to it ever since the project was announced back when Jneiro Jarel signed with Lex Records in '06. Shape of Broad Minds is a hip hop supergroup of sorts consisting of Jneiro Jarel, Dr. Who Dat?, Panama Black and Rocque Won... all of whom are the same person, but all of whom have different styles and approaches to music. Jneiro's rapper buddy from Texas, Jawaad, is also a member of the group, and seems to be a really talented MC. Jneiro's album as Dr. Who Dat? last year really showed off his talents as a producer, and supposedly this new one's on a whole new level. The album also features guest spots from a variety of ultra-talented hip hop artists, with MF DOOM, Count Bass D, John Robinson, and Stacey Epps all making appearences. I was disappointed today when I couldn't find their first single in stores... several spots had it listed as coming out on July 17th, but it turns out that that's only in Europe and that we have to wait until the end of this month for it to arrive over here in the States. Damn Brits! ;-p The full length is supposedly dropping on August 28th... I have to find a way to hold my breath until then. Y Society "Travel at Your Own Pace" - This one kind of crept out of nowhere and took me by surprise. Y Society is a traditional hip hop dup consisting of Insight on microphone duties and Damu the Fudgemonk on the beats. Insight is an excellent MC who's released a huge number of quality projects over the years, and is widely respected for his talents in the underground circuit. Damu the Fudgemonk is a producer who has yet to demonstrate his production skills over the course of a full album, though he's shown some promise. I have somewhat of an unfair bias towards Damu since he's a Washington DC producer, and I hung out with him a couple of times and interviewed him while I was at WRGW. It's pretty exciting for me to see a DC producer in such a promising-looking group and signed to Tres Records (an excellent indie label), especially since the Washington DC scene never gets ANY props. Hopefully, Damu's beats will turn some heads. Really looking forward to hearing the results of this project, though I'm somewhat skeptical about it coming out this year. Fall 2007 is announced as the release date, and their LP is finished, but it seems almost too soon after the announcement of the group forming. We'll see... Offwhyte "Mainstay" - Arguably the most talented MC out of the Galapagos4 camp, and certainly the most consistant at releasing great albums, Offwhyte has yet to ever disappoint me with a release. He's one of those rappers whose nasal voice and original style take a while to adapt to, but once you've adapted to them, there is nothing else like them on the music scene. This new album apparently finds Offwhyte collaborating with talented producers such as Maker and Mike Gao, which is no surprise since he's always collaborated with Grade-A producers. This album is supposed to definitely drop in 2007, but there's no release date set for it yet. I'll keep my fingers crossed. Anyway... I don't wanna gush TOO much about this stuff, but here's a listing of some other albums I'm reeeaaaaallllllyyyyy looking forward to hearing: Mestizo & Julian Code "Dream State" - 9/4/07 Robust "El Foto Grande" - 7/24/07 (soon!) DJ Alibi "One Day" - 8/14/07 K-Kruze "Mr. Weeks" - TBA 2007(?) Percee P "Perseverance" - TBA 2007 (this guy's been an underground legend since 1983, and has never released an official album until now. Officially curious) Buck 65 "Situation" - 8/14/07 Abstract Rude & Vitamin D "Dear Abbey" - TBA 2007(?) Junk Science "Gran'dad's Nerve Tonic" - October 2007 Deadpan Darling "TBA" - TBA 2007(?) DJ Signify "TBA" - Fall 2007(?) Those are just a few picks of the litter, of course... there's plenty more that I'm waiting for and that I'll be purchasing, but I think the thought of those ones excites me the most. Of course, that's not even counting CDs scheduled for 2008... Neon Neon's debut album and One Be Lo's "L.I.F.E" album are at the top of my '08 stack, currently. ;-)

The fuzzy camera lenses slowly focus on what appears to be an extreme close-up shot of black ninja-lace panties. The cameras begin panning out, revealing other items of clothing: black leggings with dark blue embroidery around the edges, ankle bracelets with bells of different shapes and sizes, a stack of ruffled black shirts… The cameras eventually pan out enough to reveal Wyvern standing at an open dresser drawer, his scaly snout buried in a netted black skirt. The reptilian reporter takes a deep whiff of the fashionable garment, then tosses it aside with the rest of clothes and grins towards the cameras. “Wyvern here, welcoming you to another episssode of the Almost Report. This week, we take you to the personal quarters of the recently honored pennite Kikuyu Black Paws, who was handed the Mighty Pen Quill a few days ago.” Wyvern glances at the jumbled pile of clothes surrounding his feet and licks his lips. “As you can sssee, she has a wardrobe worthy of any Quillbare- *cough, ehrm* Quillbearer. Congratulationsss once again, Kikuyu!" Wyvern attempts to hide a slight blush as he untangles a ninja-lace bra from his tail stinger, then clears his throat and brushes the scales on his head. "For tonight'sss lead story: the Tower of Elders would like to belatedly announce a change in the current active Elder line-up. Yui-chan, Orlan, and The Portrait of Zool have all taken up Ancient status, though of course they'll continue to visit us and contribute as their ssschedules allow. In honor of their fantastic contributions to the Pen, we here at the Almost Report will be selling limited edition Almost Dragonic Brand Ancient Pennite Bobbleheads™ at a three-for-one dissscount price." Wyvern pulls out several cobweb-covered bobbleheads, which practically dissolve in his claws as he sets them on Kikuyu's bedroom counter. "No sssimilarities to Pennite Ancients intended here - it's just that the bobbleheads themselves are ancient, and happen to resemble various pennites. If you'd like to purchase one of these bobbleheads, or simply need help hosting a project, please feel free to contact one of the Pen's current Eldersss for assistance: Ayshela - Elder of Harmony Gyrfalcon - Elder of Lists Katzaniel Mynx - Feline Elder of Yarns and Tails Patrick - Elder of Techy Tinkering Quincunx Tanuchan - Wolfish Elder of Poetic Ramblings Wyvern - Elder of Accepting Really Large Bribes for Administrative Favors Patrick and I are particularly active, ssso feel free to ask us if you need help with anything... especially if your request comes with a bribe." Wyvern sneers and winks to the cameras, sliding a blue sash back and forth between his claws. "Sorry, no blackmails accepted." Wyvern drops the cloth and raises a sheet of news items to his snout. "In further newsss, our resident Elder of Techy Tinkering has informed me that there will be a quick upgrade of enchantment barriers throughout the Pen this upcoming weekend. The Pen upgrade shouldn't take more than five minutesss, but this is just to let you know in case our halls are unavailable for a very brief period or in case there's a bug or two in the ssscenery for a short time (which is doubtful, since it's an upgrade that removes bugs). That's coming straight from Patrick - you heard it here firssst, on the Almost Report!" Wyvern skims over the rest of the news items on his sheet, then crumples it up and tosses it to the side, carelessly loitering in Kikuyu's bedroom. The overgrown lizard leans back on Kikuyu's bed for a moment and rolls over to test the comfort of her sheets, then pauses and stares up at the cameras. "To cap off this report, I'd like to sssend some belated Happy Birthday Pen wishes to The Portrait of Zool and Tasslehoff. Here'sss hoping that Sharpiens with a taste for priceless art beamed down to show'em a good time... feel free to call into the Almost Report and leave your well-wishes in this thread." Wyvern hops off of Kikuyu's bed, which now looks like a folding mattress disaster after Wyv's series of comfort tests. "Now, if you'll excussse me, I'm gonna go treat myself to some hot tea... ya gotta love a pennite that keeps the stove on in her kitchen all the time." ;-)

"Knightsss... can't live with'em, can't live without'em." Wyvern turns in his swiveling office chair and spreads his wings a bit, facing hig4s with a sneer. "They'll sssteal your damsel in distress, but they also tend to kill any larger dragons bullying you." Wyvern lifts himself from his seat and shakes hig4s' hand with a claw. "Name's Wyvern, nice to meet ya." Wyvern snatches up hig4s's application piece and starts looking it over in greater detail. Once he's finished with the line about Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the scaly Elder narrows his beady eyes and lets his forked tongue slowly slither between his teeth in a sneer. "You wouldn't happen to be a member of the 'Modern Knight Award Committee', would you?" Wyvern licks his lips and pulls out a folder labeled "Devil's Advocate." He pulls a sheet of paper from the folder and slides it in hig4s' direction. "I bet you are, aren't you? Well it just ssso happens that I have my Knight credentials right here. Read'em and weep!" Hig4s picks up the sheet of paper and glances at it, only to find that it's completely blank on both sides. He stares at Wyvern and raises his brows in disbelief. "A knight, huh?" "Oh yeahyeahyeah, chivalry n'all that." Wyvern leans back in his seat and kicks his feet up onto his desk, picking at his snout and removing some ashes. "These scales're just armor, it's just that I never take them off. You could ask the Pen's resident Knight, but he ain't around that much. It's really not my problem anyway. Sssay, how much money does the committee award to modern knights each year again?" Hig4s shakes his head and shrugs, then watches as Wyvern begins reading over his application again. "Hmmm..." Wyvern sets the application sheet down on his desk and turns to hig4s. "This is well-written, but I should point out that our application guidelines state that an application must be written with the ssspecific intention of joining the Pen, and cannot be a previously written work. Sssince this work was written with your wife's class in mind, I'm afraid that I cannot accept it at the moment. You should feel free to post a new piece here written with the specific intention of joining the Pen, however, at which point I'll be sure to accept you with open arms (and hopefully, an open wallet!). Until then, feel free to post more on the public forums, which is where the majority of the writing takes place around here anyway."

"Hmmm..." Wyvern hops out of his seat and wanders up to Ashtonblades' stereo, hitting the rewind button in the hopes of relistening to the freestyler's application in greater detail. The reptilian Elder grumbles to himself when the speakers pump only the bassline beat and no rhymes. "I don't suppose you have a tape with that verssse on it so I can relisten to yer application again?" Ashtonblades stares at Wyvern with an offended expression, then pulls his hands from his pockets and raises his cordless mic. "No recorded verses, this is all freestyle Only a mic and a-" "O.K, O.K!" Wyvern raises his claws in the hopes of calming Ashtonblades a bit. He slowly backs away towards his recruitment desk, hoping to place some barrier between him and the battle rapper. "It'sss O.K, forget about re-hearing the application rhyme. I'll just think of some other rights of passage to put you through, alright?" Wyvern slumps back into the seat at his desk and raises a claw to his chin, swinging his tail back and forth as his diabolical mind goes over the options. The overgrown lizard leans back in his easychair and picks at its armrests, ripping them a bit with his claws. Eventually, he raises his snout towards Ashtonblades and scratches his horns. "Well... I would pit you in a competition with my prize-fighting Almost Dragonic Brand Goblin-Imp Freestyle Assistant™ for the title of Initiate, but the little reptilianoid has yet to advance passst the 'rhyming words in English' stage of rapping." Wyvern opens the front drawer of his desk and begins digging through its layers of junk. "I'll tell ya what, you look like a guy who enjoys wearing the very latest in funky fresh-style fashionsss... you did boost the ratings of the Almost Report with yer rap-related image, after all. How about you start sporting a couple of new fashion accessories, and I start searching for my acceptance stamp?" Ashtonblades raises a brow at Wyvern and frowns. "New fashion accessories?" "Oh yeah, you'll love this stuff." Wyvern begins pulling out hideous variations of hip hop stylez from his desk. The overgrown lizard sets a W-shaped Almost Dragonic Brand Petrified Wood Bling™ necklace on the desktop, followed by a pair of Almost Dragonic Brand Airforce Janitor Mocassins™ and an extra-large Almost Dragonic Brand Advertisement Billboard Jersey™. Wyvern strikes a sinister grin and begins rubbing his claws together. "Jussst trade in your normal fashions for these Ralph LeWyvern designsss, and I'll see to it that you're made an Initiate in no time!" Ashtonblades twists his face at the horrendous "fashion" garbs on Wyvern's desk, then raises his microphone once again. "I ain't a sell-out, no Ralph LeWyvern here, you wanna contes-" "Alright! Alright." Wyvern raises a claw and grunts, pulling a long document from under his chair. "Fine, no change of fashion required. Jussst sign at the bottom of this sheet, and you'll be set to move on up to Initiate." Ashtonblades pauses, then plucks the document from Wyvern's desk to glance over it. He frowns at the title "Almost Dragonic Brand Non-Mutual Commercial Hit Recording Contract Agreement™," and grimaces as he reads over the various clauses regarding the restricted "troll clubbing" subject matter he'd be limited to and the way that all profits for any recordings would go directly to Almost Dragonic Inc. He shreds the contract in his hands and grits his teeth, glaring at Wyvern with an angry rapper expression (as seen on WMTV). "Eep." Wyvern scoots his seat back as Ashtonblades begins approaching his desk. The reptilian Elder quickly stamps the freestyler's application ACCEPTED and waves it in the air. "There, it's ACCEPTED! Are ya happy now?!" ;-) OOC: An ACCEPTED application piece, Ashtonblades. Welcome to the Mighty Pen! :-) I hope that you find the Pen a friendly (key word) and acceptant (key word) community to share your writing with. I look forward to reading more of your stuff, and to seeing more of your intriguing character in events around these parts. Once again, welcome!

Wyvern hobbles into the Cabaret Room wearing a gray scale-fitted suite, two gray cloths to cover his wings, and a pair of gray eyebrow toupées on his horns. The overgrown lizard nods briefly to the image of Jechum as it floats by and ignores the friendly sounds of interchanged freestyle insults, making his way to a podium at the center of the Cabaret Room where a microphone rests. The overgrown lizard picks up his tail stinger as he climbs a short set of stairs to the podium, then clears his throat of a few ashes and snatches the mic stand with a claw. The ensuing screech of distortion hushes the crowds and even causes Jechum's image to weave in and out of focus for a moment. "If I might have the Cabaret'sss attention for a moment? Thank you." Wyvern coughs twice onto the back of one of his claws, then slowly pulls a parchment from a pocket on the front of his suite. The reptilian Elder places a set of imitation gold sunglasses onto his snout, probably meant to represent spectacles, before continuing. "This evening, we bring you a live reenactment of Quillbearer Court... brought to you by Almost Dragonic Brand Trial-by-Fire Sledgehammer Gavels™. Large enough to settle any ogre court dispute... Set'em on Edge with the Sledge™!" Wyvern strikes a claws-up with an enthusiastic salesman sneer, then goes slightly more serious when the lights of the Cabaret Room dim. A single spotlight falls upon a glass container located at the far left end of the room, which appears to contain a blackened stone with strange carvings engraved on it. "Allow me to direct your attention to Exxxhibit A: a stone retrieved from Kato's original training Tower for those endowed with special powers. The Tower was burnt to the ground in a conflict between one Vincent McAderly and his opposing madman villain, Shriek." Wyvern raises a claw to his chin and strokes his scales. "What was not mentioned in the headlines following the incident is that a paw print was found, barely visible through faint traces of ash, on a path leading from the Tower to Rufus' forest. The paw print was dismissed in the case due to lack of supporting evidence, but did not fit within the description of any of the forest animals according to Rufus." Wyvern circles a claw in the air. The spotlight is redirected towards another glass box located at the far right end of the room, this one containing what looks like a large black feather tacked onto a thin sheet of metal. "This bringsss me to Exhibit B: a feather and piece of warplane hull collected in the Land of Aro, supposedly obtained from Shannon of the Night brigade following the attack on her airship. What plane inspectors failed to acknowledge prior to the departure of the warplane was the paw prints on the technology in the ship's cargo - a set of three prints in total." Wyvern snaps a claw, and the spotlight once again shifts its focus, this time turning to a glass container set up next to the Cabaret's freestyle battle platform, in front of Wyvern's merchandise booth. This evidence box is filled to the brim with black spandex uniforms. "Are these sssets of paw prints connected? Let's take a look at Exhibit C, which containsss spandex ninja outfits from the Pen's recent encounter with stealth sprites. Similar paw prints were found on these uniforms... though unlike the other two instances, these prints seem to be have been more forcefully planted, and are clearly visible." Wyvern rubs his claws together and clears his throat again, then folds his parchment and turns to the crowds. "In the hopes of getting to the bottom of this cassse, we here at Quillbearer Court have gone out of our way to ask a true expert in the field of law and criminal psychology for his thoughts on the evidence at hand. The knowledgable scholar was unable to make an appearence here today due to *ahem* wardrobe malfunctions, but his tessstimony and verdict have been recorded to crystal ball for all to hear. Ladiesss and gentlemen, I bring you the words of a scholar amongst scholars, the know-it-all of them all, one of the main head-honchos of the Akashan Library... Willliiiiaaaaaammmmm Pompousissssssyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" A large crystal ball lights up under the podium as gameshow music plays in the background, revealing the image of Wyvern dressed in a librarian outfit and a fake handlebar moustache. The prerecorded image of the "knowledgable scholar" raises his arms in a victory pose, then strokes his moustache and speaks: "M'yesssss. Firssst of all, let me just say that reaching an expert scholarly decision on this matter would not have been possible without the help of several fine Almost Dragonic products, particularly Almost Dragonic Brand Trial-by-Fire Sledgehammer Gavels™... Set'em on Edge with the Sledge™!" Wylliam Pompousissy lets the words roll off his tongue in a haughty English accent. "Anyway, I would like to tessstify that the Akashan Library has records of Kikuyu Black Paws being involved in all of these events. The Akashan Library also has records of everything in the world ever and then some, so no need to question this authority. The verdict we have reached is that Kikuyu Black Pawsss should be promoted from Page to Quillbearer. We have also reached the verdict that Wyvern should recieve affection from a variety of scantily clad female pennites following this report. That is all." The crystal ball goes black. Wyvern grins and turns to the crowds, raising the microphone to his snout. "There you have it folksss. Congratulations to Kikuyu on her promotion, feel free to wish her well when you see her." Wyvern pulls the parchment back out of his suite pocket and glances over it. "Oh, and before I forget, the Tower of Elders would also like to belatedly announce a shift in the current Eldership. Yui-chan and Orlan, whose fantastic contributions to the Pen have been vital to the community's growth over the years, have decided to go Ancient due to schedule-related constraints. In there place, the Tower has recruited four new Elders to help keep the community active: Patrick, Katzaniel, Mynx, and Tanuchan. Pennites should feel free to wish Yui-chan and Orlan all the best for their contributions over the years (though of course they'll still be visiting), and should also feel free to contact the new Elders if they need any help undertaking projects or would simply like commentsss on their works. Be sure to check out the Almost Report special on this matter, airing 7/16/07!"