Wyvern

Wyvern steps into the sign up area only to bump right into the skellie servant that Tanuchan had scared so badly, tumbling back as the bag of bones turns into something more akin to an emptied sack of bone confetti. The overgrown lizard grunts and brushes a funny bone from his tacky plaid business suit, then shuffles a few bones out of his way with a white cane which has a little imitation bronze dragon figurine sticking from the top. He tips his corn-cobbed horn cap as he spots Venefyxatu, then mosies his way over to sign up booth where Tanuchan currently stands. "Hiya Tanny! Great too see ya helping out Venefyxatu as the sign-up booth notating person." Wyvern grins, then raises a claw. "Wyvern Q. Almostdragon. That's W, Y, V, errrr, well different people ssspell it different ways n' stuff, but you know the rest. If you could include a lil' description praising my ambitious scheming to give Venefyxatu the right impression, I'd appreciate that assss well." Wyvern takes out a prosthetic limb holding a quill to sign his name. He turns his head towards Venefyxatu as he writes, accidentally bopping Tanuchan's head with a prosthetic elbow in the process. "Trusssst me Vene, this Almost Dragonic Brand Anti-Musement Funland Park™ will be a top hit when it comes to the Portal Room. Heck, I'll even provide ya with a Portal... I'm thinkin' of making it one of the more dangerous rides of the Park, actually." ;-)

Very good poem, OxygenPlant. :-) The image of the eagle lathered in mud really stood out to me, especially in the beginning of the poem where the phrasing and comparison to the common image of "clipped wings" really drove the dirty details home. The poem felt very focussed thematically, with hints of patriotism and the degradation of society strung throughout it, which made for an intriguing read. The ending of the poem, though quirky and more comical in tone than the rest of the poem, was also cleverly done. One thing I should note is that I tended to like the areas of the poem that focussed on the image of the fallen eagle and its various connections and meanings more than the areas of the poem that focussed on the narrator and his/her feelings towards the eagle... the parts that put the limelight on the narrator were not quite as interesting to me. The part about "throwing water/ in looks and thoughts of mine" felt awkward to me in particular, as the narrator's heroism there seems sort of out of place to me when the poem is about the fallen eagle. Still, this is very well done overall, with strong uses of spacing and language. Thanks for sharing it here, OxygenPlant. Nice to see some writing from you again. :-)

"I got it!" cries Wyvern, bouncing up and down in his position and waving his arms in the air. The overgrown lizard doesn't notice the curve of his tail stinger as it hooks itself to a Cabaret Pen pillar. "I got it! I GOT IT!" Wyvern's beady eyes go tiny as he notices all of the nether energies manifesting around Venefyxatu's pitch. He bites his lip and instinctively reaches for an Almost Dragonic Brand Imp Catcher's Mitt™, but not before the batting ball goes sailing past him with a velocity that rivals Orlan at a fashion modeling convention. The vampiric ball's resulting speed winds send Wyvern spinning, coiling him around the Pen pillar he stands next to and entangling him in his own tail. Wyvern reaches out with a trembling claw as he watches the ball soar down the hallway from which he'd came, noting that it now dribbles a much larger trail of liquid in its enhanced state of motion. "Somebody get that ball, before it reaches the Pen's ressstrooms!"

The news cameras creak to the right, moving away from the dark oak obscuring their lenses and halting as they spot Wyvern’s horns sticking out from a pile of empty Bruteweiser bottles. The horns shift as Wyvern slowly hunches over, his face twisting up at the extra-loud noise that the clatter of bottles seems to make. The overgrown lizard groans and raises a claw to his head, then slowly wobbles to his feet and cranes his aching neck to familiarize himself with his surroundings. The chamber bears a vague resemblance to an ancient Western bar, with cobwebs stretching over old kegs and the inescapable scent of aged beer stains filling the room. Wyvern scratches his horns at the oddly familiar look of the quarters, then spots the Melba wards hanging on the doors and immediately identifies the spot as Brute’s old haunts. The overgrown lizard slowly turns towards the cameras, knocking over another Bruteweiser bottle with his tail stinger and cringing at the noise. “*Ahehem* Welcome to the, uhhh, Almost Report. Yer number one sssspot for news Pen stuff… Pen newsss stuff.” Wyvern rubs his head groggily and moves forward, almost slipping over the heads of one of the scattered beer bottles. “Join usss as we recover from last week’s New Years celebrations in what appear to be Brute’s old Pen quarters? Uuugh.” Wyvern does half a spin and hobbles over to the ancient bar counter, collapsing onto one of the stools in a dizzy stupor. The rickety stool breaks under the reptilian Elder’s weight, its three legs rolling off in different directions. Wyvern grumbles and lays back for a moment in the hopes of getting his bearings, then breaths a small wisp of smoke and turns his head to the cameras. “*Ahehehem* In today’sss news, pennites who are interested in descriptive geography or who have simply gotten tired of Almost Dragonic Brand Ogre Quilt Mapping™ should be sure to check out Venefyxatu’s Cartography Quill Quest.” Wyvern begins dragging himself back up onto his feet, using the bar counter as his support. “In addition to helping Venefyxatu with details of the Pen Keep, you can sssign up to direct him to Portals with new worlds to map. Check it out whenever ya get the chance.” Wyvern grunts as he wobbles forward again, spreading his wings to try to gain some balance but stopping as something foreign brushes against his back. The overgrown lizard reaches behind him and tugs at something until he dislodges a fairly large green vine that was stuck between his wings. He lifts the tangled vine in front of him and raises a brow, noting the specks of geld-shaped confetti that dot its trunk and the Bruteweiser caps coiled in the tips of its tendrils. “*Ahehehehem* In further newsss, the Almost Report is interested in hearing some of your favorite music picks for 2007.” Wyvern drops the vine and shoves it to the side with his tail in a nonchalant manner. “We’re obviously aware that the ‘Mighty Pen Narratives’ and ‘Epilogue EP’ dominate yer top two spotsss, but we’re always interested in hearing yer thoughtsss on other music that you adore.” Wyvern winks to the cameras, then turns his head away and belches a small ball of flame, which disintegrates prior to reaching any random target. The reptilian lifts his claws to his mouth with a painfully sick expression, then turns and begins wobbling over to a large cupboard in the corner of the room in the hopes of finding some more booze to cure his nausea. He wheezes another wisp of smoke, however, as an unconscious troglyodyte holding several broken firecrackers and a frame of glass topples out of the cupboard and rolls over the ground, not waking up. Wyvern grunts and scratches his head as he stares down at the troglyodyte, trying to remember what exactly happened that night one week ago. His expression goes blank as he suddenly realizes that he can’t remember what happened with CheerMynx that night either…

Since another year has come and gone, I thought I'd drop my thoughts on some of my favorite albums of 2007. Once again, this list is tentative and can be re-ordered or jumbled with my honorary mentions depending on what mood I'm in, but the following albums definitely stood out in my mind: 10) Copperpot “WYLA?” (EV) Chicago producer Copperpot’s sophomore album far surpasses its predecessor “Chapter 7” and registers as one of the better albums of 2007 in my book. “WYLA?” (which stands for “What’re You Looking At?”) is supposed to be loosely based around Copperpot’s fear of public speaking, though I couldn’t identify any reoccurring themes in the songs. Regardless of thematic focus, the album is a highly quirky and enjoyable listen, and certainly feels like a labor of love on Copperpot’s part. The worldly producer enlists an eclectic gang of guests to tackle his beats, including big names like KRS One and Masta Ace as well as some British MCs like Braintax and Rodney P. His beat compositions also incorporate the musical talents of folks from the Chicago post-rock bands Tortoise and Isotope-137, all of which makes for a very tightly knit album. And it’d be impossible to write a positive review of this record without mentioning Psalm One’s chorus on the track “Blow,” which is catchy enough to put most other hooks this year to shame. Well worth a listen. 9) Joe Beats “Diverse Recourse” (Bully) The driving production force behind Sage Francis’s exceptional rap group the Non-Prophets puts out this compilation of beats he’s done over the years, and it bangs. This record simply consists of raw, uncut hip hop beats the way they’re meant to be done, with slamming drum breaks and an exceptional old school atmosphere typical of Joe Beats’ production. One amazing thing about this record is that while the beats come from a variety of times and places, the entire thing is exceptionally well-mixed and really flows nicely from track to track. I usually don’t gush over these kinds of collections of beats, but Joe Beats proves that there are exceptions to the rule and that tracks produced for MCs actually can stand out on their own if detailed enough and placed in the proper context. Add another great instrumental hip hop release to Bully’s impressive repertoire. Y Society “Travel at Your Own Pace” (Tres) This collaboration between rapper Insight and Washington DC producer Damu the Fudgemunk really feels like a throwback to early 90s old school hip hop, and it works really well. Insight is quite a productive force in hip hop. Handling beats and MCing with an equal amount of ease, he’s put in loads of work over the years. In the group Y Society, he puts down the MPC for a while to focus on just his rapping skills, and delivers a very solid performance with his nice gruff voice and topical songs. Damu may be the star of the show on this album, however, as his lo-fi jazzy beats have been worked to perfection to create a sound reminiscent of early east coast hip hop. The Fudgemunk has been a mainstay producer of the Washington DC scene for many years now, but this is the first album that he’s produced in its entirety and the first time he’s really been exposed to a market outside of the DC scene. I think that a lot more people will be on the lookout for Damu’s production after hearing this full length, as details like the percussion and bassline on “Good Communication” and the rhythmic opening organ chords of “On and On (Never Off)” take the work of someone with serious skills behind the boards. A very well structured album that gets better with each listen… glad to see that Damu and Insight are on the come up. DC represent! 7) Fog “Ditherer” (Lex) My indie rock pick of the year is Andy Broder’s latest, which is considerably different than his past epics but no less easy to enjoy. While Broder’s previous albums under the Fog moniker have been quiet basement folk-tronica affairs, “Ditherer” is a stadium rock album, straight no chaser. Some of Fog’s fans will be upset that the gentle atmosphere of Broder’s previous records has been replaced by blaring guitars and chant-a-long indie rock hooks, but regardless of the approach Fog continues to create some brilliant and innovative material. While Fog’s past records were Andrew Broder and various musicians that he enlisted for different tracks, the new “Ditherer” Fog is now a three-man band consisting of Andrew Broder on vocals and guitar, Mark Erickson on guitar and piano, and Tim Glenn on drums and sampler. The three of them churn out some very lively tracks that at times sound similar to Radiohead or Sonic Youth, with some additional quirky electronics thrown in to make the package more eclectic. The influences at play here range from Bob Dylan (“Your Beef is Mine”) to Velvet Underground (“On the Gallows,” a 10 minute track that could almost be considered a modern interpretation of “Heroine”), with the electronic flourishes of tracks like the title track “Ditherer” also harking to modern IDM. The album is full of stand-out songs, and “I Have Been Wronged” is possibly the best indie pop track you’ll hear all year. Andrew Broder's nasal deadpan delivery is bound to turn some people off, as it always has, but you rock n’ roll folks should at the very least give Fog’s new one a shot. Recommended. 6) Doomtree “False Hopes” (Doomtree) Doomtree consider the tracks on this album loose-ends that didn’t make their actual upcoming album, but the fact of the matter is that these guys could release their D-sides and they would still annihilate most other hip hop being released today. Doomtree is an awesome crew from Minneapolis consisting of P.O.S (who dropped last year’s excellent “Audition”), Sims, Dessa, Mictlan, and Cecil Otter on rhymes plus Lazerbeak, Paper Tiger, Marshall Larada, Tom Servo, Emily Bloodmobile and a couple of others handling beats. Talent seems to be overflowing from this collective, as each of the MCs is skilled in their own unique ways and each of the producers knows how to deliver some seriously excellent and distinctive production. P.O.S mauls beats with a punk rock swagger, Sims flows smoothly over tracks with a gruff voice and sophisticated cadence, Mictlan tears things up with a booming yell and ridiculous flow, Cecil Otter philosophizes poetically with an approach bordering on spoken word and Dessa is simply hands down the best female MC in the game, with a gorgeous singing voice and a stunning verse-crafting ability. This CD is a collection of collaborative tracks between the various crew members, with a few solo tracks and instrumental interludes thrown in-between to add some variety to the mix. It’s a little on the short side at just under 40 minutes in length, but everything on here is excellent and their collective talents shine throughout it. I can only imagine what their official full length is going to sound like… in the mean time, this appetizer easily qualifies as one of the better albums this year. 5) Awol One / Josh Martinez / DJ Moves “Splitsville” (Camobear) This album is actually split into two EPs of music, with the ever-lovable Josh Martinez kicking off things with DJ Moves for the first half of the CD and the seminal stoner MC Awol One joining forces with DJ Moves for the second half. Josh Martinez and Awol One also guest on each other’s halves of the album, and DJ Moves’ consistently banging production ties everything together. I couldn’t be happier with the result of these three creative forces coming together on the same album… the whole thing is pure quality. Josh Martinez has to be the most melodic MC in the game and everything that he’s put out recently has been a pleasure to listen to. His second track on this record, “Last Train,” is an exquisite piece of borderline pop music that has more catchy melodies and choruses than you can wave a stick at. As for Awol One, he has one of the most distinctive voices and cadences of any MC in hip hop, and his low key half of the album is some of the best stuff he’s done to date. Add guest appearances from some excellent Canadian rappers like Cee!!!!!!!!! and Kunga 219 along with a Chicharones appearance at the end of the record, and you have an exceptional piece of alternative hip hop that shouldn’t be missed. 4) Mac Lethal “11:11” (Rhymesayers) O.K, so I’ve heard a lot of people complaining about this record, whether it be an assessment of how disappointing it is or just outright hate for this style of hip hop. Personally, I adore “11:11” and think that it’s hands down one of the best albums of the year and easily Mac Lethal’s best material to date. The name Mac Lethal is pretty ironic considering that this guy is a suburban white kid from Kansas City who raps about such “lethal” topics as beer, women, atheism, anti-veganism, and his hometown. The entire record is very down to earth in terms of topics, with lyrics that are easy to understand and immediately accessible. What I love about Mac Lethal is how focused and humorous he is with his material, as he creates a lot songs that get you smiling and laughing without losing deeper meaning or significance. A few standouts include “Calm Down Baby” which makes pop culture references to everything from General Tso’s Chicken to Fergie of the Black Eyed Pees wetting herself on stage, “Make-Out Bandit” which gives male and female perspectives on the joy of making out without the burden of sex and ends with a fantasy of making out with Bjork, “Sledgehammer” where Mac Lethal cracks some jokes with a ridiculous reggae-style flow, “Tell Me Goodbye” where Mac calls out supposed “political rappers” who rap about politics just because they want to appear controversial and gain new fans… and the list goes on. The truth of the matter is that every track on here is pretty much a standout, which makes for an excellent album. One could argue that Mac Lethal doesn’t take anything too seriously on “11:11,” which might not rub some people the right way, but to me his cynical and sarcastic approach is refreshing and a whole lot of fun to listen to. Great production from Seven, Lenny D and Lazerbeak seals the deal. Fans of Pigeon John or “Lucy Ford” era Atmosphere material should not miss out on this album under any circumstance. 3) Shape of Broad Minds “Craft of the Lost Art” (Lex) The most progressive and futuristic hip hop album of the year. Jneiro Jarel has been quite the renaissance man as of late, with last year’s tropical “Beat Journey” album establishing him as one of the strongest producers in the game. Shape of Broad Minds is Jneiro Jarel’s hip hop group, and features Jarel producing and rapping alongside Panama Black, Dr. Who Dat?, Rocque Won, and Jawaad… three of whom are different characters and aliases for Jneiro himself. This album is mindboggling stuff, and can take a few listens to get into just because of how daring and original the material is. The beats on this album sound like they could have been recorded in 2020, with wild synth arrangements and some incredible uses of sampling really distinguishing this record from anything else that dropped this year. The album is no less daring on the rapping front, as Jarel kicks a number of different styles and cadences under his different aliases, which include singing, rapidfire flows, and a crunked-out drawl. Jawaad, the only member of the group who isn’t Jneiro Jarel, also proves that he’s quite a skilled rhymer with a very natural voice and flow, and holds his own over Jarel’s beats. The album also features appearances from talented rappers like MF DOOM, Lil’ Sci, and Count Bass D, all of whom rip it. My only complaint with this album is that it’s a little on the long side, clocking in at about 70 minutes in length, which can make for a pretty exhausting listen given how far into left field this music goes. Still, it’d be hard to deny that this is some seriously innovative stuff, and I wouldn’t be surprised if more hip hop started sounding like this about 10 years down the line. Check it out. 2) Thes One “Lifestyle Marketing” (Tres) Hands down the most interesting and original instrumental hip hop album of 2007. Thes One, commonly known as one of the main MCs and producers of the rap group People Under the Stairs, specializes in really chilled out downtempo California hip hop. For his solo debut as a producer, however, Thes decided to add an interesting twist to his music by basing all of his songs on the compositions of Herb Pilhofer, who composed a great number of TV commercial jingles in the 1970s. In some ways this could almost be considered a remix project, as Thes bases each of his tracks around a different commercial tune from Pilhofer's catalogue and builds on it from there. Thes’ beats are often relatively simple on the project, relying on a few looped parts of the jingles and some live instrumentation with keyboards and electric bass, but the selection of jingles really stands out and makes for an outstanding lazy Sunday album. One amazing thing about this album is how modern and cool Thes One manages to make Pilhofer’s commercials sound. You’d think that the outdated jingles would run the risk of sounding corny, but under Thes One’s direction the music takes on a life of its own and sounds innovative and unique. There are some truly gorgeous beats on here, with “Pan-Am” parts 1 & 2, “Hy-Vee”, “Grain Belt Beer,” and “Pacific Bell” all immediately coming to mind. The whole record also has a really relaxed and soothing atmosphere typical of Thes One’s beats, which gets you spinning it on repeat… I’ve probably played this one more than any other record this year. As an additional bonus, an album of Herb Pilhofer’s original compositions is included when you buy the album, so you can compare the original commercials to Thes One’s interpretations and can come to appreciate the re-interpretations even more. Very highly recommended to any instrumental hip hop head, anyone into downtempo music, or any person who really likes old TV jingles. 1) Brother Ali “The Undisputed Truth” (Rhymesayers) Brother Ali’s 2003 debut “Shadows on the Sun” was such a superb record that many critics argued that it couldn’t be topped. Well, now 4 years later, Brother Ali drops his second full length album and not only is it as good as his first, it’s arguably a better and more mature record. Hailing from Minneapolis, Brother Ali is pretty much the MC’s MC, practically unrivaled in the skills department. He has a booming soulful voice, an impeccable sense of rhythm and flow, excellent writing and some truly heartfelt subject matter. “The Undisputed Truth” is basically Brother Ali laying himself bare on record, as he goes into some painful aspects of his life that most MCs are not sincere enough to touch upon, like divorce and gaining custody of his son while on tour. Also not to be overlooked is producer Ant, who is mostly known for his beats for Minnesota’s favorite rap group, Atmosphere. Ant’s beats for Brother Ali are probably some of his best to date, and have a real live/funky/soulful feel to them. Ant also produced “Shadows in the Sun” in its entirety and did an excellent job on that, but his beats here feel more professional and melodic, and they compliment Brother Ali perfectly. No guests or shiny gimmicks, just one MC and one producer laying it down with all they’ve got and delivering a stupendous album. "The Undisputed Truth" also includes a bonus DVD with several hours worth of interviews and live performances from Brother Ali, as well as a booklet with all of the lyrics and commentaries from different MCs for every track. Essential listening. Honorable mentions (in no particular order): Mestizo “Dream State,” Joe Dub “Pooretry,” Robust “El Foto Grande,” Blacklove R88ers “Memoirs of Planet Lovetron,” DJ Alibi “One Day,” Subtle "Yell & Ice," Disflex6 “Slow Burn,” Kid Acne "Romance Ain't Dead." As always, I'd be very interested in hearing your thoughts on some of your favorite music that came out in '07. :-D Feel free to list'em here!

Wyvern scoots one of his rickety merch booths into the Cabaret Room and clunks it between Peredhil and Nyarlathotep. The overgrown lizard pulls a small gray bag from his tunic and empties its contents onto the splintering wood, spilling what appear to be plastic egyption ring prizes from old boxes of Nanotoknonnen-Os over the counter. Wyvern lets out a gleeful snicker and seats himself behind the merch stand, swinging his tail back and forth as he lifts his claws to his snout and shouts: "A buncha ringsssss to rule'em all a thousssand geld to buy one. A wealthy fool to purchase all and to the dork supply'em!" With that, Wyvern kicks back his feet and awaits the floods of hungry fans, saving his hobbit hair wigs for the second round of Tolkien aficionados... OOC: Tolkien remains quite an inspirational figure in the world of fantasy, and I've always dug his stuff. I remember having a Tolkien phase one year when all I wanted for my birthday was things related to Middle Earth... much respect due!

I really like this story, Kikuyu. :-) Your uses of un-emotional numbers and codes set a great atmosphere right from the get-go, and the story really drew me in with its futuristic details and plot progression. The way that you tackle the whole concept of science versus emotions in it is very well done, especially in Viola's interesting circuit dilemma. I also like how you ended it with both Viola and Clint being dominated and brainwashed by the scientists... I was a bit worried that Viola was going to go beserk after reinserting the emotion chip and tear down the institute, but your ending was far less predictable and far more bittersweet (not to mention realistic). Viola's brief flash of recognition of Clint at the end before her firewall goes up was a very nice touch, and you definitely captured my imagination throughout in the way that the Eras examine and interact with humans. The only thing that seemed amiss to me in the relationship was more of a sense of bonding between Viola and Clint prior to the final scene at the institute... there's a sense that the two deeply care about each other there, but I can't recall any specific scene where Viola and Clint interact with one another one-on-one. Still, there is some sense that Clint friends up to her in the group rendez-vous. Excellent stuff, Kikuyu, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. :-) Here's hoping this ain't the last piece of science fiction you share with us here. P.S: An interesting idea I had for an alternative ending to this story while reading it - when #117 gets hold of the emotion chip near the end, I was wondering whether her logic would motivate her to actually re-insert the chip or if her lack of emotions would give her no reason to do so. Very interesting concept, either way.

The news cameras wobble at a dizzy diagonal angle, almost tipping over as they catch a lens-full of decorative geld-shaped confetti. The cameras swerve and practically topple over as they turn towards the glass walls of the chamber, which offer a beautiful view of the New Years quill lights that have been strung over the Pen Keep's walls and Courtyard. The lenses swerve sideways in time to spot two of the troglyodyte news crew bouncing through the room to the sound of blaring house music in the background, then turn as a familiar claw grabs them and twists them in the proper direction. Wyvern strikes a toothy grin and lets go of the cameras once he’s certain that they’re facing him. He adjusts a lampshade hat with horn holes on his scaly head and ties a paper maché bra around his neck like a scarf, then points his claws and winks. “Greetingsss, and a Happy New Years to the Mighty Pen from everyone at the Almost Report.” Wyvern lifts a martini glass filled with little more than Bruteweiser and lets his tongue droop to soak it in. “We’re reporting to you live this evening from Waterlily’s greenhouse, where a giant ball of pollen is scheduled to drop around midnight. We unfortunately doubt that CheerMynx will be able to join us thisss evening, uber-popular feline icon that she is, but she’ll ssstill be here in spirit and will be back for the next Report. In the mean time, pleassse feel free to feast your eyes on the other sights and sounds the Almost Report has to offer.” Wyvern grins and lifts his glass, not noticing the shirtless troglyodytes dancing around the giant Waterlily in the background. The slimy bellies of the news crew provide a sharp contrast to CheerMynx’s typically tantalizing presence, and Waterlily’s gyrating vines don’t seem to help the Report’s sex appeal much either. “A few newsss items while we prepare for the final count down.” Wyvern pulls the napkin from under his martini glass and unfolds it, then lifts it to his snout to read. “As we move into a new year, pennites may want to consider the future of the community and the ways in which they’d like to help out or see it improved. The new 2008 Pen Platform in the Cabaret Room is a perfect opportunity to voice yer thoughts, so get yerself inebriated and go ssspeak your mind... or slur it, at least.” Wyvern winces as the sound of the house music grows louder in the background, accompanied by troglyodyte cheers and the rustle of plant leaves. He lifts a claw to his snout and raises his voice as he continues. “In other newsss, an important Pen object hassss gone missing.” Wyvern balances the martini glass on his snout and digs into his pockets, eventually pulling out a crumpled photograph of a normal-looking ball. He raises the picture closer to the cameras, its color obscured by the lighting of the New Years greenhouse. “Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball™. Blood red. Squishy. Bouncy. Occasionally leaksss. Mostly harmlessss. Thought to have limited flight ability. Pleassse call 1-900-ALMOSTREPORTNEEDSYOURGELD if you have any info on its whereabouts.” Wyvern drops the napkin news sheet as the lighting of the greenhouse begins shifting colors to the trogylodyte chanting in the background. The lights reflect off of the glass walls and ceilings, causing a blinding effect. “Lasssst but not least, I’d like to extend my belated Happy Birthday wishes to Madoka, the original samurai shepherdess of the Pen Keep.” Wyvern claps his claws together, paying no attention to the countdown being chanted in the background. “In honor of her birthday, I thought I’d do the final News Years countdown in increments of sheep. Sssso, without further ado, let’s get sta-” Wyvern’s countdown is cut short as a wave of pollen suddenly fills the room while the sound of raucous cheering rings out in the background. The pollen obscures the image on the cameras, despite Wyvern’s best attempts at lighting via flame-fueled sneezes…

Wyvern brushes down the wrinkles on his Almost Dragonic Brand Tuxspeedo™ and steps up onto a "2008" platform that's been set up in the Cabaret Room. The overgrown lizard takes a sip of booze, then sets his plastic cup down on the sensitive soundboard equipment and raises a loudspeaker to his snout. "Attention pennitesss! With the coming New Year, I thought we could have a spot to hear people'sss thoughts on the future of the Mighty Pen in 2008. in particular: What would you like to see more of at the Mighty Pen in 2008? What do you plan to contribute to the Mighty Pen in 2008? Are there any new ideas or suggestions you have for the Mighty Pen in 2008? For my part, I'd like to see more interactive Pen character RPing at the Pen in 2008, perhaps via enforcing a more spontaneous and liberal approach to character RPing... nothing stopping folks from making character cameos in any thread at any time, after all! I plan to contribute more interactive events, as well as continuing to improve the Almost Report by getting more of the Pen community involved in it." With that, Wyvern sets the loudspeaker at his side with a painful screech of static. He almost knocks over the forgotten cup of booze with his tail stinger as he hops off of the stage, leaving the space open for any who want to speak their thoughts...

Wyvern hums to himself as he wanders down one of the many halls leading to the Cabaret Room, dragging his tail over the recently vacuumed carpet with little regard to the jagged pattern that his stinger makes. A candy cane from CheerMynx's stash sticks from the lizard's mouth like a classy smoke, and he turns a chocolate coin gift protectively in his one of his claws. The reptilian Elder squeezes what appears to be a squishy blood red ball in his other claw, evoking a feral squeaking sound with each claw clamp, along with an occasional dribble of liquid from a tiny hole at the bottom of the ball. Wyvern pauses as he passes by a mirror near the door leading into the Cabaret Room, glancing into it and grinning at his own reflection. He strikes the most handsome komodo dragon look he can muster, then sets the blood red ball down on a counter top so that he can brush a few scales back on his head. He stops in mid-grooming, however, at the familiar sound of a Racouolettes incantion tone that rings from his portable crystal ball. "Yeah?" Wyvern lifts the crystal ball to his snout, giving the image his full attention and not noticing the bat wing that slowly sprouts from the right-hand side of the ball on the counter. "Yeah. Yeah yeah. Yeah. Uhm hmm. Non-negotiable. Yeah. Jussst geld." Wyvern turns as he talks, unaware that the ball has now sprouted a second bat wing, this one on its left-hand side. "Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. Take it eassssy, I got the product sitting in front of me as we speak." Wyvern turns back towards the counter and freezes at the sight of the ball, or lack thereof. He glances down the hall and catches sight of the ball flying away towards the Cabaret Room. "Yeah. Errr, yeah. Lisssten, something urgent'ssss come up, I'll call ya later." Wyvern curses and stuffs the crystal ball back into his coat, racing after the blood red bat-winged ball which has now begun bouncing between the ceiling and the walls to speed up its flight plan. "Hey!" Wyvern raises a claw and dashes as fast as he can, losing sight of the ball as it bounce-flaps its way into the Cabaret Room. "Hey! Ssssomebody stop that Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball™!" ;-) OOC: Open to all to join in, of course, be it brief cameo run-in with the Vamp Bat Ball or lengthy post!

Sweet poem, Silver Wind. :-) The theme of people wondering if others are thinking of them and longing for caring is a universal one, and is definitely easy to relate to and sympathize with. I find it interesting that the narrator thinks of her friend/loved one after seeing her own reflection, as it almost seems to suggest that she only cares about the person in relation to the way he/she makes her feel. Should you choose to add more to the poem, I would recommend expanding upon the emotions associated to the narrator's contemplations and delving deeper into the relationship and the narrator's own feelings... I think that the part about their seperation could be expanded in particular, as the fourth stanza felt a bit empty and left me desiring something. You also might consider offering more details on the "sweet days of winter snow" and the train that the narrator is waiting for, as alone they're rather typical poetic images but with a few original and personal details they can be rendered vivid and moving. Thanks for sharing this here, Silver Wind. :-) I hope that the challenge goes well.

Elvina - That's cool that you saw "Alien" recently as well! I'm not sure if the version that I watched was the extended one or not since I actually checked it out via available online sources (*cough*) but it was definitely well done with the first half standing out in particular. I totally know where you're coming from with your slight preference for "Aliens," though, and think that I may be on the same boat in the end... I wonder how much of it has to do with having seen "Aliens" a lot earlier on though? Maybe if we'd seen "Alien" first, we would have ended up preferring the original. :-) Zadown - I went with Rhapsody from the Mighty Pen to see "The Golden Compass" in theatres recently as well. I agree with you that it was nothing special, but I went in with really low expectations and was moderately entertained by it. It's definitely more of a kids movie, but I agree with you that some of the concepts that the book sets forth are very original, plus I love the cowboy actor that plays that aeronaut captain guy. And Eva Green's still gorgeous to look at, regardless of how short an appearance she makes and how fully clothed she is (I was admittedly a bit disappointed when she asked the girl to identify her past lover on the ship and it went into a flashback but skipped all the good stuff). If nothing else, I'm interested in reading the book after seeing this, and will be checking it out shortly. Anyway, I mentioned earlier that I'd write a summary of my thoughts on a bunch of David Cronenberg's films, and I've been procrastinating on it but think that I'll give it a whirl now. One trend that I've noticed and have come to appreciate in Cronenberg's movies is that they have very original concepts that are extremely dark and twisted, to the point where one wonders just how warped Mr. Cronenberg's imagination has become. I've also noticed that his films always have at least one truly gruesome image in them, which usually goes hand-in-hand with the subject matter. In terms of execution, Cronenberg's movies are more of a mixed bag... some of the concepts are handled brilliantly which can make for a great film, while others are experimented with but fall flat by the end of the movie. I still need to see his adaptation of William S. Burrough's "Naked Lunch," which is apparently very good, but here are my thoughts on some of his other works: "Videodrome" - An exec of a sleazy television network picks up a signal through pirate broadcasting of a show that essentially depicts pure torture and sadomasochism, and becomes obsessed with the show unaware of the effects that the frequency of the signal can have on his brain. The film started off in a very promising and unsettling manner, with the original concept providing a couple of chills and making for a pretty damn disturbing progression. The plot of the film went off the deep end by the end of it, however, and in my opinion the film didn't hold itself together well. The last twenty minutes of the version that I watched didn't have sound for some reason, but I found the plot twists pretty over-the-top and convoluted before the sound even went out, so I'm fairly confident in my assessment. I think this is an example of a Cronenberg film with a brilliant twisted concept that started off well, but lost its footing in the film's execution. It's a decent oddity, but nothing spectacular. "The Fly" - A scientist develops a matter transporting device and successfully tests it on himself, only to discover that a house fly was in the transporter device when he used it. Grisly genetic chaos ensues. I rented this one for Halloween, and can't say that I was a big fan of it overall. To the film's credit, it had a couple of truly horrific images in it, like that of the deformed Brendel-Fly vomiting corrosive acids on a man's arm to harm him. Ultimately, I think the film was more sad than it was scary though, as you feel a pang of sympathy for the former scientist by the end. The gore factor of the movie felt a little excessive to me, and at times I didn't feel like it was striving for anything more than being disgusting. I guess it's not a bad movie and in some ways it's executed pretty well, but it's not my cup of tea overall. "Scanners" - A group of people with the ability to tap into other people's nervous systems rebel against ordinary people, causing the government to send out a special nervous system tapper of their own to stop them. It's crazy to think that this film originally came out with an NC-17 rating in the US for gore, as it's probably the least adult film in Cronenberg's body of work. Having said this, while the film shows its age through its acting and some of its special effects, I think it's held up pretty well over the years and is quite an entertaining flick to watch. It's less of a horror film than most of Cronenberg's stuff and falls more along the lines of a sci-fi action/adventure with a few nerve-straining mind battles thrown in for tension. The scanners of the film are all very bad-ass with their abilities, which makes it a fun film to watch. This movie's oddly gotten a reputation amongst critics for its depictions of people causing each other's heads to explode through scanning, but I only spotted one scene where this actually occurs (which is what I'm guessing got it an NC-17 rating originally, despite it being a lot tamer than most of Cronenberg's material). Pretty good overall, worth a watch if you're into original sci-fi and aren't bothered by a few outdated elements. "The Brood" - An insane woman undergoes a new treatment called Psycho-Plasmic Therapy while her sane husband worries that she's hurt their daughter when she last visited the institute. And then the murders start. Whoa. This film is about as dark and twisted as they come, and is horrific in a frightening and unforgettable way. Things seem screwed up from the start with some of the relationships between characters, and they continue to get more and more twisted to the point of slipping into an abyss of darkness. This is an excellent horror film in my opinion, full of dark and original visions, tense pacing, and grotesque imagery. There's a somewhat infamous scene in this film involving a woman giving birth to a child which I won't spoil for you here, but which I think I'll never forget having watched... horrifying. And to top everything off, there's a disturbing twist at the end. Recommended if you feel like watching a really good horror movie. "Dead Ringers" - Two twin gynecologists who specialize in the field of fertility tangle themselves with the wrong woman, which results in their co-dependency driving them to madness. This is a mature and excellent suspense movie with some superb acting on behalf of Jeremy Irons, who plays both of the twin brothers and does a very convincing job of making them two different people. More than just a tense and disturbing film, it's a fascinating psychological study of the mentality of twins who rely on one another for many aspects of their lives. It's also a film about drug addiction, and the abuse of drugs by those in the medical field. There weren't as many gruesome images in this as there are typically in Cronenberg flicks, though there was one really grotesque image in a nightmare sequence and the "medical instruments for women with mutant bodies" that one of the brother's develops were pretty disturbing to behold. Highly recommended to those who enjoy psychological thrillers and appreciate good acting. "Crash" - A man discovers a group of people who have a sexual fetish for watching car crashes after a car accident leaves him aroused, and decides to join iup with them. This is another Cronenberg movie that was deemed highly controversial when it came out and was almost banned in the US before receiving an NC-17 rating. Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of this one... The concept is once again very twisted and original, but I don't feel that much is done with it aside from showing the human depravity associated with perverse sexual fetishes. I feel like the film needs to make more of a statement when tackling material like this, rather than just showing how people can get into it... it almost feels like an excuse to show car wreck scars, or like a means of sympathizing with those that have fetishes for violence. Not recommended, though the final lines of dialogue in the movie are quite memorable. "Eastern Promises" - This is Cronenberg's most recent film, based on the Russian mafia. Though the concept of the movie is not as original as some of his earlier works and some of the plot elements are predictable, Cronenberg more than makes up for it with the amount of atmosphere that he infuses into the film. The acting, backdrops, costumes, and imagery of the movie all flow with a very dark and exotic feel that really makes this an exceptional film in my opinion. Viggo Mortensen and Naomi Watts both deliver in their performances, and despite the simple plot the film has an excellent direction and pacing. Very highly recommended, probably one of the better films of '07.

Nice poem, Phoenix. :-) You paint a nice picture of the carolers and the emotion behind their caroling, with the first stanza and its vivid details of the candles and their effect on the caroler faces standing out to me in particular. The second stanza was also well done in its depiction of the shared feelings between the carolers, though the word choice of "vanish" in the fourth line of the stanza seemed odd to me. The poem generally seems to be a positive depiction of carolers, but the thought of their "hopes and dreams" vanishing into the night seemed to carry a more negative tone to me. Wyvern bows his head to Phoenix, then plugs his ears with Almost Dragonic Brand Granite Golem Pixysticks™ in the hopes of avoiding the grating sounds of Christmas cheer, with the fear of Racouol's festive renditions standing out in particular...

Cool poem, Degorram. :-) When I read this, I get the interesting image of a popular music artist singing on stage at a concert and a fan yearning for the artist's affection and personal attention. Of course, there's also the sense that the imagery is a metaphor and can be extended to just about any relationship where there's a longing for closer bonding. A universal theme that's easy to relate to and nicely executed, though something about the repetition of "see" in the first and final stanza felt a bit jarring to me. Anyway, thanks for sharing this here Degorram. :-)

The news cameras flicker on to the festive decorations of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, homing in on the pink candy cane ribbons and white snow pompoms that dot the span of the cheerline’s quarters. A small fashionable Christmas fern rests on CheerMynx’s bedside counter, decorated with tiny catnip mouse toys in a variety of colors. The poster on the far end of the room depicts the cover of Elfish Presley’s seasonal album: “The Ice Dragons are Coming Home for Xmas (a Carol Call to Arms).” The cameras move away from the icicles hanging from Elfish’s ears as they fix their attention on Wyvern, who is busy setting up a large mistletoe over CheerMynx’s bedpost. “Greetingsss, and Merry Christmas to pennites and honored guests across the board from us folks at the Almost Report.” Wyvern adjusts his gift bow tie and the open stockings that hang from each of his horns, then hops off of CheerMynx’s bedsheets and grabs a loaded bag from the floor. “We hope yer enjoying the holidaysss as much as we’re enjoying broadcasting to you about’em.” Wyvern moves along a wall of CheerMynx’s bedroom, reaching into his sack and tacking up more mistletoes with each passing step. He slowly licks his lips as he sets another one up on top of CheerMynx’s wardrobe, positioning it so that it’s in view but not immediately apparent. “In today’s news, pennites who missed Valdar’s Christmas IRC Party should be sure to read the results of the event in the party log thread.” Wyvern pauses for a moment, then hops up to paste another mistletoe to the ceiling. “Though I sssstill haven’t received an exotic alcoholic Pen Christmas beverage, the party was never the less a success and should make for a fun read. Thanksss for the good times, Valdar. [Note: no CheerTreants were harmed in the making of this event.]” Wyvern raises a claw to his chin as he examines the unadorned parts of CheerMynx’s quarters, then races over to the far wall and begins loading the pompom shelves and counters with mistletoes of all different sizes. The reptilian reporter pants and catches his breath for a moment, then brushes the loose brambles from his claws and makes his way over to the next wall of the chamber. “The Almost Report would also like to send a quick belated birthday shout to Finnius, the official blue mage and maitre de of haikus.” Wyvern points a claw and winks towards the cameras. “I ain’t seen you around lately blue man, hope you’re doing well and that you haven’t gotten lost in the gift-giving shuffle.” Wyvern tilts his head and squints as he carefully hangs the last of the mistletoes over the main entrance of CheerMynx’s bedroom, patting it to make sure that it’s stable and then tossing the empty bag to the side. The overgrown lizard makes sure that his horn stockings are on straight, then slithers over to another large red sack that rests on the other side of CheerMynx’s bed. “Finally, the Almost Report would like to openly offer gifts to the Pen Keep on this holiday.” Wyvern opens the flap of the red bag and points at the odd items inside. “For a mere tip of one geld, you can pick up any of these fine products previously seen on Black Monday's Report. Pick’em up now, before we start tossing them to people from a flying sssleigh!” Wyvern pauses as he spots a small jumble of wrapping paper next to the bag and quickly scoops it up with a claw. The dull skellie gift wrap contains a bright pink comb, which is clearly visible through the claw mark holes formed in the packaging process. “Well, except for thisss present.” Wyvern sets the little gift under CheerMynx’s pillow and clears his throat. “Thisss one’s reserved for a certain special feline.” With that, Wyvern re-examines CheerMynx’s quarters to make sure that they’re 100% mistletoe enhanced. Once he’s performed his screening, he seats himself on the cheerline’s bed and begins rubbing his claws together and snickering helplessly as he awaits the Almost Intern’s arrival…

Da Yog grunts at the empty Office quarters and slowly turns to the room's official Rolodex Clock. He grabs the clock in a troll grip and shakes it in the hopes of intimidating it into slowing time, then slams it back into position when he hears a window creaking open at the other end of the room. Though the clock becomes embedded on the Office counter, it never-the-less remains fully functional, sturdy gift that it is. "Greeetingssss, Yog. Glad to see that you fit in the Office." Wyvern clammers in through the window, falling through headfirst and rolling on the floor before pouncing back up to his feet. The overgrown lizard brushes a few specks of paperwork from his scales, then turns to the familiar troll with a toothy grin. "Pleassse feel free to take a seat anywhere unbreakable, like on that heaping pile of discarded bills over there. I'll be with ya shortly." With that, Wyvern darts over to his Recruitment Desk and snatches up Yog's application sheet, which is easy to identify since it's been written on a fullscale ad billboard in big block letters. Wyvern sets the board down on the floor and begins pacing over it to read it word by word, scribbling notes on a blank sheet from his Devil's Advocate folder with each line that he hops. Once the overgrown lizard has finished reading and has properly digested each of the extra-large stanzas, he folds and pockets his page of notes and turns towards Yog with a whimsical sigh. “Ah, I love thessse sorts of happy stories about thriving capitalisssts exploiting peasant folks of their hard-earned labor. It almost brings a tear to my eye." Wyvern dabs his beady little eyes with a few crocodile tears courteousy of the Fake Tear Tissue, then clears his throat and lifts an edge of the billboard in Yog's direction. "Very niccce work here Yog. Kinda makes me wonder who ya plundered it off of." Wyvern sets the billboard tip down, then twists his tail and reaches for a document in his tunic. "And ssspeaking of plundering, I thought you might take look at this sign-up document." Wyvern sneers mischievously and passes the sheet to Yog in a nonchalant manner. "It detailssss a special Pen role that you might be qualified for: 'elegant preacher pet of the 'I <3 Wyvern Fan Club.' Clausesss include daily tasks, payment in increments of Yog-Worthy Troll Sugar Clubs, and guarantee of Initiate ssstatus once you've signed up. Jussst write your name on the dotted line, under the part about surrendering geld assets." Da Yog frowns and lifts the tiny sheet, almost making dust out of it between his fingertips. He turns it sideways and upside down, sniffs at it, and then comes to a conclusion. "Yog no like words." "I sssee." Wyvern grins and pulls out another document, this one in a slightly larger picture book format. "Well, you'll be happy to know that I anticipated that reaction, so I made a ssspecial Yog-friendly contract to look at. Feassst your eyes on this." Da Yog raises a brow and plucks the picture book from Wyvern's claws, examining the cover which depicts a happy troll sitting in a giant cage with a dog bowl filled with Yog-Worthy Troll Sugar Clubs. Yog frowns as he flips through the pages, intaking the pictures of the happy troll forcing people to bow down to a golden Wyvern idol and of the troll acting as a transportation vehicle for henchlings in major schemes. He snorts and breaths an angry gust of wind when he reaches the final picture, a black and white rendition of a troll sleeping on top of a large doghouse Snoopy style. It didn't take a dimwitted troll for one to notice the role reversal in relation to the positions in Angels of Apocolypse. Yog throws down the picture book with a huff and cracks his knuckles loudly. "YOG NO WANT TO BE PET!" "Eep." Wyvern meekly stamps Da Yog's application billboard ACCEPTED and shoves it in the troll's direction. "F-fine, ya don't have to sssign up. J-jussst so long as we can treat each other as equalsss, that alright?" ;-) OOC: An ACCEPTED application poem, Yog. Welcome to the Mighty Pen! :-) Great to see that you've finally applied, I hope that you're enjoying the company of the Pen thus far and that you'll continue to be supplied with friendly faces and fun discussions here for years to come. I look forward to reading more of your works and to roleplaying more with Yog when the opportunity arises. Once again, welcome!

I like the picture you've painted of Norman Normal's personal hell thus far, Yog. :-) Some of the details you use to give backstory on his life were very cool, like the venerable telephone and the psycho ex-wife wallpaper. It's funny how a simple thing like a wake-up phone call can cause so much stress and chaos to a hung-over, bitter, short-tempered alcoholic like Norm. It's nice that you've chosen to include your writing exercises for character development as well, as I really liked reading the monologue from Mr. Normal. I'm interested to see how you choose to continue this, and think that it might be a good idea to introduce a central conflict to the story soon, so that all the every day conflicts of this Norman's life are drawn into a new context. A cool start, I'll be checking for any continuations. :-)

Cool (hot?) poem, Kikuyu. :-) Like Yog, I found the Poe reference with the Phoenix taking a leaf from the Raven's notebook very interesting. The repetition in the third line of each stanza was interesting as well, and also made me think of the styles used in Poe's famous work. In terms of possible lines to look into, the line "The poor lord detests grim" rhymed well with "And got the best of him," but didn't make quite as much sense as the other lines of the piece to me. All in all though, it was nicely done. :-) Wyvern scratches his left horn and sets about pondering where the Pen's resident Phoenix might be at the moment. He ponders whether Kikuyu's poem might refer to a method that Phoenix could use for drawing money from wealthy nobles, which of course would go into dictionary funds in the pursuit of the highest Freerice scores. ;-)

The umbrella bounces back up as the camera swerves left, focusing on Wyvern as the lizard braces himself for CheerMynx’s rant. The reptilian Elder crushes the Haiku Lingerie design sheet in one of his claws in a gut reaction, then glances down and curses over what he’s done. “Wyverrrrnnnnnn, see here my outfit is totally ruined!” Wyvern tilts up his head and stares at the green stains on CheerMynx’s fur and attire, going a little cross-eyed as he realizes that he still can’t really tell where the chest ends and the dress begins. He shakes his head a bit in the hopes of concentrating on CheerMynx’s words, which are now flowing at full-throttle. “OhmyGod this Midori stain is just so out of place this room.” CheerMynx pouts and waves her paws. “This mess is, like, a total disaster. Just what are we going to do about these stains, Wyv? And my fur, I just groomed.” Wyvern resists the urge to sample the Midori straight off the cheerline’s fur and coughs, lifting a claw to his chin as he considers the best words to comfort the almost intern in her time of need. “Awww, don’t worry CheerMynxie, it doesn’t look that out of place.” Wyvern pauses as he examines the mess of papers, drawers, keyboards and streams of green liquor that have dirtied Preprise’s blog quarters. “And besssides, it looks kinda festive. Y’know, holiday spirit and all that…” Wyvern pauses as he notices CheerMynx staring at him with an expression that reads “I ain’t buying it,” her paws on the sides of her waist and her tail flicking back and forth impatiently. “Errr, that issss to say, I like the modern art approach?” Wyvern bites his lip as CheerMynx continues staring at him, this time with a slightly sadder expression. The overgrown lizard turns his eyes to the ceiling for a moment and tries to avoid the thought of CheerMynx's milky silvers, but ends up letting out a long sigh. “Alright, alright, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll boost your Almost Intern Fashion Fund to 5% for one report ssso you can wash that, BUT... ya gotta continue to keep an open mind 'bout what to wear in future Reportsssq." Wyvern hooks the drawer with the "Sonnet Casual Wear" design in it with his tail stinger and slowly pulls it up to his feet...

The news cameras fade in to the bright glare of fluorescent light, which beams over the clean white accessories of a wide rectangular chamber. White tables, white chairs, white drawers, a white sofa, and white computers rest in a symmetrical and space efficient set-up. The room could probably be mistaken for a scientific quarantine facility or the business quarters of an insane asylum, with only a simple black art sculpture of an orb connected to a receding curve adding a touch of flavor to the room’s design. The cameras pan over the documents stacked in an orderly manner on the various tables before focusing on Wyvern, who sits typing at one of the computers with both his claws and his tail stinger. The overgrown lizard seems to generate an aura of messy paperwork while he types, with loose sheets, post-its and halves of torn pages littering the area directly surrounding him. Wyvern turns his head towards the cameras for a moment and flashes a grin, then turns his head back towards the screen and squints as he speaks. “Greetingsss, and welcome to another Almost Report.” Wyvern licks his lips and scrolls down, nudging the mouse a bit with his tail stinger. The news cameras turn at an angle that gives a view of the computer screen, which displays a number of sentences arranged in a variety of different positions and patterns. “We're reporting to you live from Preprise’s poetry design blog this evening in the hopes of finding and ‘borrowing’ a few poetry dress designs, which may serve as less expensive alternatives to CheerMynx’s fashion ssstatements in future reports. Unfortunately, assss you can see, the quest for new styles has been less than fruitful thus far.” Wyvern points at the computer screen, which the cameras zoom in on to catch a more detailed view of the sentence patterns. Each of the poem files registers at over 200 pages in length, with most of the variation resting in the extremely long billowing dress lengths. “Thessse Epic Poem Dress Designs could be epic attire for a palace, but they’re hardly fitting for our lil’ Report.” Wyvern snorts and lifts himself from his seat, turning towards one of the drawers and knocking over the computer keyboard with a swing of his tail in the process. The mess of paperwork seems to follow the reptilian reporter as he makes his way to a tall filing cabinet labeled “Casual.” “In today’sss Pen news, Valdar would once again like to remind pennites of his upcoming Christmas IRC Party, which he’s offered more details on in the Cabaret Room.” Wyvern begins pulling drawers from the filing cabinet and flipping through the folders in them. “The party will be occurring on #thepen channel of the Galaxynet server of IRC on the 22nd of December at 10 PM GMT (3 PM PST). To thossse of you who don’t have IRC but would like to join in, Valdar has also offered instructions on how to download the program in his Cabaret announcement.” Wyvern tosses two of the drawers to the side, then pauses and pulls out a folder on “Sonnet Casual Wear” from a third drawer. The overgrown lizard raises a brow as he glances over the curves of the quatrains and couplet skirt, seeing some potential in the hypnotic look of the syllable patterns over the front. He taps his claws together, then sets the drawer on the ground to revisit later and makes his way to the white sofa and adjacent table. “In further newsss, the Sexy Sexy Man of Terra has sparked a new Cabaret book discussion that pennites are welcome to join into.” Wyvern licks his lips and reaches for a folder labeled “Confidential Projects.” “Feel free to offer Orlan any suggestions on fantasy novels, fantasy novellas, or Almost Dragonic Products that he could potentially endorse to add a fantasy appeal to them.” Wyvern begins tearing through the papers in the confidential folder, tossing them left and right and adding to messy paper pile that follows the lizard wherever he goes. “The Almost Report would also like to take a moment to wish Sweetcherrie a Happy Birthday, and to thank her for her many valuable contributions to the Pen over the yearsss. Though she may no longer check the boards, our thoughts are ssstill there.” Wyvern begins slowing down in his folder search as he comes across some slightly more interesting designs involving Sonatas. “Nyarlathotep and lumpenproletariat get belated Happy Birthday shoutsss as well, partially for the prossspect of associated vouchers but mostly cus’ they’re cool.” Wyvern’s eyes go extra-beady as he silently lifts a sheet detailing “Haiku Lingerie.” He stares for a long moment and contemplates whether the words “comfy pleasant fit/ ninety percent sex appeal/ cost efficient too” indicate a product description or a picture of the mini-garment itself…

Glad you liked the shout-out, Patrick. :-) Thanks for the new concert review as well, that's cool that you made it in given the huge crowd and that you enjoyed yourself. Where were you in the audience, out of curiousity? The problem I've always had with stadium events is the distance you have to keep from the artist... even when you're up front in those sorts of spots, it's usually far below the elevated platform of the stage. Well, that and I'm not a really a fan of being in huge crowds in general! Last night, I went and saw Lifesavas, Pigeon John, and Ryan Greene at the Shattuck Downlow in Berkeley. If you've read my concert reviews, you'll know that this far from my first time seeing Lifesavas and Pigeon John live, but I've come to rely on them for fun and fresh performances so I rarely pass on the opportunity to catch them when they're in my area. Especially Pigeon John, that guy is always a kick to see live. The Shattuck Downlow is also a very nice venue, though they still have a major problem when it comes to starting things on time... they had the starting time listed as 9:30, and the first opening act came out at 11:00. The first person to perform was a local Oakland soul singer/rapper named Ryan Greene, who I was unfamiliar with and had never seen live before. He came out with a full live band of two guitarists, a drummer, two keyboardists, a horn player, and an emcee sidekick to top things off. His set started off pretty lackluster, with standard R&B-ish singing and some forgettable emceeing from his rapper buddy, but the music gradually picked up as the set went along. Things got slightly more interesting and entertaining when Ryan Greene invited a few ladies up to the stage for an impromptu dance-off for one of his songs, and his set really went into full swing when he invited a bunch of his other rapper buddies up to stage for a freestyle cipher. The cipher was definitely one of the highlights of the evening, with the live band shining in particular in the way that they riffed to fit each person's freestyle. Some very skilled bass work, drumming, and keyboards there. Despite a bit of a shakey start, it was quite a good set overall. Pigeon John came out next and killed it with a really fun and energetic set, as usual. He brought a live drummer with him and had bTwice working the turntables, and the three of them really livened the place up with a lot of catchy dance-able songs and PJ's signature humor. I'm always surprised at how live the crowds get at Pigeon John's shows in Berkeley, as he had pretty much everyone there dancing and shouting along at the top of their lungs. He performed a number of his great live standards like "Hello Everybody" and "Freaks Freaks," as well as some new tracks which sounded really nice. I think most of the crowd would say that he stole the show, and I'd be very inclined to agree... he really should be headlining these events. Lifesavas came out last and were pretty disappointing after Pigeon John's set. Vursatyl and Jumbo performed their tracks right, but the energy and humor of Pigeon John's set just weren't there and the result was a pretty uninterested crowd... if you could call the audience there a crowd at that point. The truth of the matter is that 70% of the audience left after Pigeon John's set, which left hardly anyone there for the supposed headlining act! I still like Lifesavas' material and they can be a pretty live group of performers when they're performing at full throttle with a lively and appreciative crowd, but this evening they felt a little less enthusiastic than usual and timed their set poorly. They started performing at 12:50 AM, so it could just be that everyone was tired out by that point, but overall it was the worst set of the evening. A couple of vids: Pigeon John performing a new track: A short clip from Ryan Greene's impromptu dance competition:

Thanks for sharing these poems, cryptomancer, it's nice to hear that you've found a new Muse to inspire you. :-) I think it's cool how you incorporate the dark raven image that your character is known for at the Pen and show how the love brightens it, with lines like "wings of shadowed feathers fall" in the first poem and "Nine minutes upon the winds I soar/Soul renewed again" in the third poem making that aspect stand out. There's a feel of romanticism that harkens back to poems of olde in the manner that the lines are phrased, and the language struck me as having a medieval-ish feel... I realize that you probably didn't pay much attention to form or language here given the first stanza where you mention seeking "not the accuracy of written art," but I still thought my impressions on the subject would be worth mentioning. I'm guessing these poems were written more to satisfy your own Muse and heart than to "wow" people, but they made for an interesting read regardless. :-) Good to see that you're doing well, cryptomancer, and better still to see some new writing from you. Welcome back. :-)

A webbed hand brushes the rubble from a sturdy lens and focuses the camera on two troglyodytes who dig up Wyvern from a pile of ceiling debris. Wyvern's eyes flick open in a fixed stare of glee as a piece of rock is moved from his snout, his brain still oblivious to the ceiling caving in as CheerMynx's tight grip and skimpy attire race through his mind. The overgrown lizard gyrates up to his feet like a hypnotized cobra, his scales still tingling from the feel of CheerMynx's midriff fur and his tongue drooping from his mouth and trailing drool on Asmadeus' already messy floor. Wyvern stares up at where the ceiling would be and lets out a happy sigh that could be considered a borderline squeal, rubbing his claws over his scales and dribbling pebbles in the process. If the lizard hadn’t already been avoiding water, he might have considered never bathing again after this particular incident. "Uhhm, Wyvern sir?" A troglyodyte attempts to wave a hand in front of Wyvern's face. He frowns at the lack of reaction and turns towards the other troglyodyte that had dug Wyvern up. "He's not responding. You better get the stretcher..." "Eh?" Wyvern stares down at the troglyodyte and scratches one of his horns, suddenly noticing the ceiling fragments scattered over the floor. “Oh, errr. I’m alright… I guessss?” Wyvern raises a claw to his chin and frowns as he overlooks the ceiling damages, only to go still when he notices that CheerMynx is nowhere to be found. A hint of fear and panic seeps into the reptilian reporter’s eyes as he frantically scans the debris for any signs of the cheerline. “Hey, hasss anyone seen-?” The worried tone of Wyvern’s voice suddenly dissipates as he spots a hint of shining gold fabric peeking out from one of the crates of gnome “toys.” Wyvern cracks a grin and breaths a sigh of relief as he remembers that cat’s usually land on their feet. His sigh turns into an excited rasp, however, as he notices that the gold fabric is the back of CheerMynx’s mini-skirt and that it’s tilting up as she lifts herse- “Wyvern, sir?” Wyvern turns his head towards a troglyodyte who wears glasses and carries a pencil in his mouth. The troglyodyte hands Wyvern a long sheet of paper indicating the cost and expenses of Asmadeus’ ceiling collapse, along with the equally unsettling 4% withdrawal from his news budget. “Hrrrmmm…" Wyvern twitches his snout. "Asmadeus is a fix-it type, so we’re gonna skip the ceiling costs unless he presses chargesss…” Wyvern’s eyes dart back towards CheerMynx’s crate, only to find that she’s back on her feet and that his peeping opportunity had long passed. The overgrown lizard grumbles to himself, then brushes a few pebbles from the expenses sheet and slowly wanders up to CheerMynx. “*Eherm* Dynamite show, CheerMynxie.” Wyvern fiddles with his tail stinger and stares down at the ground, trying to focus on finances and not wanting to be distracted by the two piece uniform again. “Uuuhhhh, l-lisssten. I was thinking about the Almost Intern Fashion Fund and our b-budget, y’know? And I thought it might be a good idea, just temporarily, to maybe redu-” “Oh the Fashion Fund’s working soooooo well!” CheerMynx flashes a cheerful grin and kneels over in the hopes of making eye contact with Wyvern, despite her blindness. “I mean, I totally thought of you when I picked this color. You like it right?” “Y-y-yeah.” Wyvern tries to stare even lower at the ground and begins fiddling with his stinger more, blushing a bit. His eyes trail upward in spite of themselves, staring straight into CheerMynx’s breast line by accident. One of his claws moves up instinctively to grab the cheerline's gold top, but he clutches it with his other claw before any wrong moves are made. He looks up at CheerMynx's face with a whimper. “Errr, y’y’know, I totally forgot what I was gonna say. Ahahaha! Yep. Jussst uhh, keep up the good work.” With that, Wyvern turns and wanders off with his expenses sheet in hand, cursing to himself over his lack of backbone. The overgrown lizard stares at the expenses and sighs, then decides to do something more productive with his time and wanders off in search of archive footage of the report. He rubs his claws together at the thought of viewing the results of CheerMynx's skirt twirl from a different angle, having had a rather lackluster view of the incident from his position attached to ceiling…

The news camera lenses flash on and nearly have a collision with the top of a low-hanging doorway as they make their way into Asmadeus’ gnomish Pen alcove. The scattered high-tech tools and clutter of half-finished labor-bots give the cramped quarters an atmosphere that compulsive knob-twisters would find comforting. The cameras circle by an extremely complicated piece of machinery that seems to generate screws on a miniature conveyer belt, catching a lense full of steam as it spews heat. They jerk around for a moment to regain their bearings and slowly focus on Wyvern as the steam cloud clears. The neon multi-colors of the overgrown lizard's scales have mostly faded, replaced by an odd mixture of crimson red and yellowish orange highlights. Wyvern adjusts a set of fake goggles in an awkward position on his snout, then adjusts the grease rag tucked in his shirt collar and grins towards the cameras with bravado. He opens his mouth to speak, only to bump his head on the low ceiling of the chamber, triggering a hissed string of curses. The reptilian reporter rubs his head after a minute and composes himself, clearing his throat of a few ashes as he faces the cameras. “*Ahehem* Greetingsss, and welcome to this week’s Almost Report. Join us as we scout Asmadeus’ quarters for an exclusive look at how toys are manufactured gnomish style... jussst in time for the most consumerist holiday of the year.” Wyvern winks towards the cameras, then lifts his fake goggles and turns towards the screw machine. “I’ll be reporting the newsss while our faithful camera crew gives you a visual tour of the toy-making process, right here in these lovely quarters.” Wyvern strikes a claws-up as another wave of steam passes over the news crew, obscuring the visuals for a moment. Once the steam has cleared, the cameras jerk over to Wyvern’s position next to a machine that twists the screws into small round metal bodies with a set of mechanical arms. “In today’s news, the thirty-seventh installment of the infamous Werewolf ssseries has now begun.” Wyvern turns his head and bumps it on the ceiling again, cursing to himself. “This installment, entitled ‘'Toys R Wolves', is particularly appropriate for the season of last minute shopping and possst-sell-out stress syndrome. A sign up thread for the collaborative effort is also available in the Conservatory, so howl atcha boyz.” The cameras follow Wyvern as he nods and moves further down the mechanical construction line, pausing as he arrives at a hunching machine that twists caps onto the top of the rotund bodies of the toys. The cameras zoom in on the caps for a moment, revealing a tiny skull-and-crossbones tagged on each one. “A news reminder for thossse who haven’t been following recent Pen events and activities.” Wyvern grunts as his horns scrape against the ceiling, making a sound akin to nails on a chalkboard. “The Pen Confection Tasting Convention is available for anyone who wants to make an Xmas treat based on another pennite, Patrick is still looking for more information concerning a bundle of mysterious feathers, and of courssse the ‘I <3 Wyvern Club’ is forever accepting geld-endowed members to its ranks. And for those who can’t find the time to participate in events, there’s a free EP of music chosen by pennites to relax to and a life question to consider in the Cabaret. All of which adds up to plenty of happeningsss this Winter.” Wyvern ducks his head and continues to follow the toy conveyer belt, passing a section where each toy is strapped in an additional layer of armor and sprayed with green paint. The overgrown lizard moves straight to the end of the belt, where the small green balls with skull-and-crossbones caps are lifted by a mini-crane and placed into open wooden boxes. The cameras zoom in on the address listed on the crates, which reads “Shipping to Deathknell, Everquest.” “The Almost Report would alssso like to take a moment to thank Patrick for another smooth host enchantment incantation.” Wyvern lifts his head in the hopes of grinning towards the cameras, but embeds his horns in Asmadeus’ ceiling before he can so much as crack a smirk. The reptilian Elder frowns and attempts to budge, only to find himself stuck. “*Grrrr* We hope that *grunt* pennites enjoy the Pen’s new *hrrrrk* hossst space. Pleassse feel free to *urhk* PM Patrick or any other Elder if *huurrrr* you find any bugs.” With a frustrated sigh, Wyvern slunches his shoulders and gives up trying to move his horns. He twists his tail and starts keeping an eye out for CheerMynx, silently praying for a helping hand (amongst other things).

A light goes on in a stark white interrogation chamber, shining down on Wyvern and the uncomfortable wooden chair in which he sits. The overgrown lizard taps his claws on his legs, his brightly colored scales looking rather out of place in the pale hue of the chamber. He sighs and slowly brushes a claw over the ruffled scales on his snout, staring up at the large bulb above him. "Welllll... I sssuppose it all started with the development of those Almost Dragonic Brand Jumble-Junk Feather Clusters™ I was planning on marketing." Wyvern's tail sways back and forth behind the chair as he speaks. "I actually initially designed the prototype in the hopes of having an imitation glue-on dress for the miniature Silver Wind statuette I was building in the Banquet Hall at the time. Anyway, the cleaning product never saw the light of day due to the lack of available Quills, but a rough model was built out of owl feathers found at random locations around the Pen. The model wasss stored behind the "1003 MORE Ways to Scheme" reference book on a shelf in the Library, where I was sure nobody would find it. Sssomehow, it still turned up missing." Wyvern pauses for a moment and taps the tip of his snout, letting his forked tongue hang out. The reptilian Elder squints as the source of the light tilts slightly, shining in his eyes. "Now, we should keep in mind that the owl feathers used for making that Almost Dragonic Brand Jumble-Junk Feather Cluster™ were not the feathers that the Researcher found in my Office." Wyvern breaks into a sleazy salesman grin. "And we should alssso keep in mind that Almost Dragonic Brand Jumble-Junk Feather Clusters™ have since been replaced by the infinitely more useful Almost Dragonic Brand Urchin Squidusters™, which are on sssale now!" Wyvern reaches under his seat and pulls out one of the Squidusters, raising the large squid tentacles on a stick so that all can see. The tentacles reach out and attach themselves to Wyvern's head, slipping out of his claw-grip as they wrap their way around one of his horns. The interrogation chamber lights go off, only to flicker back on to focus on another pennite...