Wyvern

Wyvern stammers as his eyes widen over Dego-CheerMynx's words, his gelded tail stinger flopping uselessly to the side as he suddenly loses all interest in it. The overgrown lizard temporarily forgets about the shapeshifting nature of the cheerline-ish figure standing before him, somehow overlooking her scowl and not even noticing Kikuyu's entrance or exit as he lifts himself to his feet in a stiff and robotic manner. "I-i-i-i-i-it wasss?" Wyvern croaks before blowing a bit of steam from his nostrils. The lizard's scales seem to stand on edge. "W-w-w-well, I mean uh sssure! Why don't - how 'bout y-you p-p-p-practice the d-dancccce moves while I jussst umm, y'know, get us some c-c-curtains!" Wyvern nods vigorously, failing to suppress an almost dragonic squeal of excitement as he hobbles over to the gorgeous set of satin curtains hanging at the back of Ozymandias' office. He lifts an aching claw and tugs at them, accidentally getting his wing tips caught in the delicate fabric and cursing to himself. He strains to glance over at what Dego-CheerMynx is doing as his claws move too deeply into the curtain fixtures, failing to catch a glimpse as the position of his tail stinger makes part of a curtain snag in his scales. "L-l-lemme just- *grunt*" Wyvern twists his snout as the fabric gets more and more tangled in his scales. "- g-g-get thessse c-curtainsss down so we can *grunt*" Wyvern tugs on the fabric harder in desperation, gritting his teeth as he pulls on it with all his might. He tumbles backwards and yells out as the expensive curtains at the rear of Ozy's office come avalanching down on him, completely burying him in satin fabric with only the tip of his geld-toned tail stinger sticking from the edge of the curtain pile. A long moment of silence passes before a faint hiss is heard from under the mountain of decor: "i... am NOT payin for thisss."

Hah! Duly noted about the danger of fully indoctrinated Minions, Degorram. :-) Though then again, the prospect of Minion 2 and Lady Laura resigning to move to a different country seems to strike a more ominous note than any of Minion 1's adorably annoying quibbles, which I'm sure was intentional given the context that the piece was written in. Separating from old friends due to school and college relocations can be a painful process at times, but just remember that you'll always be able to stay in touch with them and will hopefully be able to visit with them on occasion as well. :-) Anyway, moving back to your story, this was an enjoyable read. The interactions between Minion 1 and Lord Amnex definitely struck me as being quirky and comical enough to be true-to-life, and stood out to me for this reason. Though Lord Amnex seemed to be somewhat of a bully at face value, I felt a bond between him and Minion 1 beneath the surface that made me smile. Looking forward to reading any continuations of this saga, thanks for sharing it here Dego. :-)

Wyvern grunts as he shoves himself into an upright position on the office floor, twisting his snout into a pained expression and suppressing his inner fears at CheerMynx's absence by observing Degorram's rendition of the cheerline. Wyvern raises a claw to his chin and slowly nods as he looks over the Almost Intern clone in front of him, pulling out a quill and jotting down notes as he winces over his neck pains. "Yesss, very nice trick indeed. I mean, the ears could be a little pointier, the tail isn't quite as curled, the fur could have more distinctive stripes, a few whiskers are missing and there are far too many articles of clothing for it to actually be realistic... but overall, a mossst impressive display Degorram. Well done.'" Wyvern applauds, then reaches under Ozymandias' desk and pulls out a sign labeled "7", which he proceeds to hold over his head. The overgrown lizard snickers and grins as the shapeshifter squeals in true CheerMynx fashion and jumps up and down over the high score in a short victory dance. Wyvern watches her delight for a moment more, then goes back to scribbling notes on his sheet... only to pause as a wicked thought suddenly crosses his mind. The reptilian reporter glances at his sheet, then at Degorram's imitation of CheerMynx, then back at his sheet again. "Of coursssse, if you really wanted to sub for CheerMynx on this Report, you'd demonssstrate your personal cheerleader performance abilities with an exotic dance." Wyvern's quill snaps on his sheet and his eyes bug out a bit as his excitement gets the best of him. He clears his throat loudly in an effort to calm down. "You know, like errr, an Egyptian dance... cus that's the theme of the evenin and stuff." Wyvern strikes a toothy grin and looks up at Dego-CheerMynx with hopeful eyes. "Like, a private highly exotic Egyptian dancccce maybe...?" ;-)

The images of the shirtless man with the dead rabbit in his hat and the blind explorers pan out to reveal a wider view of the Assembly Room, which has a large granite question mark on a pedestal displayed at its center for all to see. The lights of the Assembly Room go out for a moment and a spotlight falls on the question mark, drowning it in a menacing hue of red. Ominous music cues up in the background as lights fall on the images of the shirtless man and the blind explorers, while the large question mark is lit sinisterly between them. "Are you a victim of hazardous punctuation? Do the question marks you use accidentally dislodge smaller apostrophes and comas from your sentences?? Do they appear in packs of three??? Or four???? According to Almost Dragonic Brand Punctuation Prediction Charts™, approximately three rabbits and four explorers are victims of question mark tip piercings every year. And your sentence structures have had no alternative... until NOW." The Assembly Room lights suddenly flare back on as Wyvern runs in wearing an imitation green Riddler outfit, which contrasts horribly with his crimson scales and seems to be covered in exclamation marks rather than question marks... kind of. The overgrown lizard raises what appears to be a cheap plastic exclamation mark with a barely noticeable bend at its center, then strikes a sleazy salesman sneer. "Almost Dragonic Brand Straightened Spine Question Marks™ - 80 geld, cheap! Ssstop lugging around punctuation capable of puncturing, and go with bludgening punctuation instead! Thessse babies will turn your 'You buy Almost Dragonic Brand Products?' into 'You buy Almost Dragonic Brand Products!' in no time! You won't not be regretting what your sentences will no longer be capable of achieving! Extra periods also available for 20 additional geld should you wish to substitute Almost Dragonic Brand Straightened Spine Question Marks™ for baseball bats." Wyvern demonstrates by pulling a spare period from one of his spandex pockets and lifting it for everyone to see. He tosses it into the air and bats it with his Almost Dragonic Brand Straightened Spine Question Mark™, sending it flying through the air and into the question mark on display at the center of the room. The granite question mark totters on its pedestal and falls over, shattering on the Assembly Room floor. Wyvern stares at the mess for a moment, then quickly drops his Straightened Spine Question Mark and begins whistling innocently. "Just call 1-900-NOQUESTIONSASKED to order your Almost Dragonic Brand Straightened Spine Question Marks™ today." A triumphant kazoo medley cues up in the background as Wyvern slowly begins sidestepping his way out of the Assembly Room. The lizard's beady eyes move between his Straightened Spine Exclamation Mark and the shards of granite question mark on the floor. "That'sss 1-900-NOQUESTIONSASKED. 1-900-NOQUESTIONSASKED. Call now, and remember - you could be the cause of a fatal punctuation accident."

So, this scene is part of a larger novel-length story then Kikuyu? :-) That would make sense to me... while the scene has its dramatic elements out of context, there are a number of characters like the Myth who I'm sure would come more to life when placed in the larger story. Still, this is quite nicely written and I'm glad you chose to post it here rather than ditching it due to lack of printing credit. The plot elements at play here make it seem as though the larger novel might have potential... let us know what becomes of it!

Static shrieks across the screen in cacophonous waves, offering a vague distortion of an image somewhere in the background. Faint troglyodyte cries begin ringing through the static, along with the crashing of camera equipment and a girlish almost dragonic scream. The static parts for a split second to the image of Wyvern shoving a news camera away from what appears to be a large shadowy jackal, which is growling at the lizard and preventing him from going very far by placing a large paw on the lizard’s tail. Wyvern begins stammering as the screen is reduced to pure static again, which flares and buzzes for several minutes before an Almost Dragonic Brand Cardboard Technical Difficulties Sign™ is displayed at a crooked angle across the camera lens. After a painfully long wait, a webbed hand reaches up and pulls the Technical Difficulties Sign away from its position covering the screen, revealing a nice wide office space with several “Pen is Mightier than the Sword” insignias dotting the desk, walls, and majestic domed ceiling of the quarters. Aside from the emphasis on quills and pens, the room falls mostly into an old Egyptian style of décor, with onyx jackal guardian statues lining the satin-curtained walls. Fancy gold-tinted lamps hang from the arms of the statues and light the room in a moody hue of orange, and the tiled floor features numerous runes and hieroglyphics of historical Pen events. Barely visible in the lower right-hand corner of the room is a skull-shaped mouse hole, which has piles of tiny bones littered around it. “Greetingsss *cough* and welcome to the latest *ow* Almost Report.” Wyvern drags himself from behind one of the curtains in the back of the room, revealing his latest excuse for a fashion statement. The paper mache Egyptian headdress and miniature copper tiger medallion do little to hide the scrapes and bruises that cover the lizard’s scales and snout. He shuts his eyes and groans for a moment, then raises a claw to his snout and hisses: “*Oww* We were gonna give you an exclusssive invasion of Ozymandias’ personal quarters this evening, but I guessss his shadow jackal guardiansss decided that breaking into Ozy’s place would qualify as malice on our part, ssso we had to make some last minute changes of plans.” Wyvern reaches into his pockets and begins applying tiny Almost Dragonic Brand Baby Sprite Bandaids™ to his bruises with a grimace. “So instead, we’re *ow* reporting to you live from Ozymandias’ Loremaster Office in a not-so-exclusive *ow* look at the business quarters of the Pen’sss esteemed founder, in honor of his imminent birthday. Happy birthday Ozy! I hope ya have a great one, jackalsss and all...” Wyvern strikes a painful grin and sets an Almost Dragonic Brand Paper Cut Cutter™ (guaranteed to cut paper cuts in half, or a quarter of your paper back) on Ozymandias’ otherwise organized desk. He then hobbles his way over to the generously cushioned Loremaster desk chair, applying handfuls of tiny bandaids to his snout with every step. “Sssspeaking of Ozymandiasss, fantasy film buffs and those puzzled by recent promotions rumors should be certain to check the latest coming attractions in the Cabaret Room’s film-viewing quarters.” Wyvern cringes a little as he compresses his aching wings to a seat-friendly state, baring his teeth and forcing another razor sharp grin. “Congratulationsss go out to Yog, DL Snake, and the Researcher for their recent rank boosts. Here’s hopin you’ll all be around for many taxable promotions to come!” Wyvern bites his lower lip as he slowly eases his way into Ozymandias’ easy chair, tensing up at the collective cramp of the scratches across his rear scales. The overgrown lizard drags up his tail, the stinger of which has been painted a light shade of gold to compliment his costume, and scoots forward in his seat. “In further Pen newsss, the Almost Report would like to extend a belated ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ to pennite momsss. Feel free to share tales of heroic mothers at Savage Dragon’s Cabaret Mother’s Day booth if yer interested.” Wyvern continues to stick clawfuls of Almost Dragonic Brand Baby Sprite Bandaids™ over his scales, looking more like an almost dragonic mummy by the minute. “Or if mother storiesss aren’t yer cup of tea, why not pay a visit one of the Pen’s other recent activities, such as Lurkers Anonymuse, the ‘Why Does…’ challenge booth, or Pen dungeon dragon doodles? Plenty o’ geld-making opportunities to be had.” Wyvern pauses for a moment to reach over to the well-organized stacks of papers on Ozymandias’ desk, flipping through them in the hopes of finding some info on the Mighty Pen treasury. All the reptilian reporter gets is a couple of grains of sand stuck in his claws. “*Ahem* And another reminder that our Almost Intern is still searching for an eyesight minion… maybe, I think, not 100% sure.” Wyvern strikes a nervous grin to the camera and sticks some more mini-bandages to his scales, cringing inwardly at the extent of his recent interactions with CheerMynx on the Report. He mumbles something about how he hopes that the cheerline hasn’t gotten tired of him yet, then whimpers over having not had time to see her last outfit given her rush to depart from the Chapel of Repentence. He raps his claws on the polished desktop, adding a few new dents to the pricey piece of furniture. “I s'pose we'll see sssoon enough. CheerMynx and more, coming up next... Ssstay tuned.”

This evening, I went and saw the When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint Your City San Francisco Gold Tour starring Atmosphere, Abstract Rude, and DJ Rare Groove at the Regency Ballroom in San Francisco. I reserved tickets for this show several months in advance despite the rather lofty price, knowing that Atmosphere tend to sell out their shows about a month in advance. Sure enough, the entire West coast string of their tour dates sold out a week before the shows started, so I'm glad I got my reservation in. Of course, Ticketmaster had to screw up my TicketFast order at the last minute, which resulted me spending an evening and morning with them on the phone before I got the tickets transfered to Will Call. My sister also came out with me to this show to see what all the Atmosphere hype was about. The Regency Ballroom was a nice venue that looked more suited for classical music than a hip hop show, but which accommodated the performers and packed crowd well. They didn't accept cameras, unfortunately, so no photo or video documentation for this particular show. Anyway, things started off with DJ Rare Groove spinning a bunch of classic old school hip hop records in typical warm-up fashion, along with a nice reggae set to add a little variety to the mix. Then, in a brilliant and excellent show idea, Slug of Atmosphere came out to host a set of Atmosphere karaoke featuring a few people in the crowd who were selected from a wider list of people who signed up.for the karaoke at the merch booth. These people took turns coming up to the stage to perform Atmosphere songs they'd memorized over the beat, with Slug acting as their hype man! A great deal of hilarity ensued, since most of the people were either horribly off-beat, forgot the lyrics, or had annoying nasal voices. Yet, all of them were admirable for stepping up and giving the karaoke thing a try in front of a packed crowd, and they each got a free CD for it. The hilarious highlight of the karaoke was probably a duo of girls who stepped up calling themselves the Walker Texas Rangers, who proceeded to perform "Modern Man's Hustle" (one of Slug's least favorite songs out of the stuff he's recorded) by yelling the entire thing with incredibly grating cheerleader voices... just awful, but too funny to watch. The only person who managed to get through his entire song without fault was some guy named John, who performed "Trying to Find a Balance" and had a large group of friends supporting him in the crowd. Great idea for a show starter, very interesting and hilarious to watch. Once the karaoke was wrapped up, Abstract Rude came out to perform with his longtime associate Zulu Butterfly and another LA rapper who had the first name Hasaan. Ab Rude has been a mainstay of Los Angeles' esteemed Project Blowed collective for many years now, and has quite an impressive discography to his name. He kicked some tracks from his new album coming out soon on Slug's label Rhymesayers produced by Vitamin D, which I'm looking forward to, and also went into a number of his older songs. His swagger is decidedly mellow for the most part, and the laid back nature of the music didn't translate that well to a live setting in my opinion. A fight also broke out between two people in the crowd during the set, and watching an irate big guy get floored by a punch from a guy half his size distracted quite a few people from Abstract Rude's performance. Ab Rude is a damn good MC with some real quality tracks and his new album has a lot of potential, but his live show this evening wasn't really the best means of appreciating him. He performed a couple of great tracks that got the audience involved, but was only a decent act overall. Atmosphere, who had a guitarist, keyboardist, and backup vocalist backing them up this time, took the stage next and put on one of the best performances I've ever seen from them. This is about my sixth time seeing Atmosphere live, but they've put out loads of great material since they last toured and have decided to keep a refreshing focus on some of their more recent stuff. What I loved about this performance from them is that it seemed like they chose a great deal of their best material for the set and then built upon it with the live musicians, adding new elements to it to make it fresh and interesting to listen to. Slug kicked a number of great tracks from his new album (possibly Atmosphere's best effort to date... and now the #5 album in the country to boot!), as well as some awesome tracks from their recent string of seasonal EPs and a couple of real classics from the album "Lucy Ford." Plus Slug's humor and charisma were in full effect in the short intervals between tracks, as well as in the way that he improvised and switched the lyrics of certain tracks to cater to San Francisco and the bay area. Highlights for me included their renditions of "The Rooster," "Between the Lines," "Like Today," "Puppets," "Little Man," "Shrapnel," and the list of hits goes on... Atmosphere also performed the bouncy track "You" from their new album for the first time live at this San Fran show, and while Slug admitted that this was his first time performing it and that the rendition wasn't perfect, it was great to witness him testing it out for the first time and to hear it live. They also slowed things down around the end for the encore, performing beautiful renditions of the tracks "Guarantees" and "Not Another Day" over only the accoustic guitar and few backup singing vocals. Anyway, I could go on and on and on, but bottom line is that Atmosphere is in top form at the moment. Awesome, awesome, awesome show. Glad I made it out to this concert, and glad that I got my sister to witness it too.

I've never watched M.A.S.H before (though I've heard it's a very good show), but I take it that the characters of this particular Unit were spawned through your imagination. I found them to be quite a distinctive and likeable cast, particularly Brit with her humorous attitude and accent. Moneybags and Puppy also stood out to me for their short-tempered nature and calmness respectively, and the dialogue between the characters was great throughout. I also like how you manage to show the slightly more serious and professional side of the characters through the emergency treatment scene, though the OR action of the piece feels a bit cramped near the end and extending it might be something to consider in future revisions. The wide cast of characters also made this feel sort of like an introductory piece to a longer series of stories revolving around these characters... are you planning any sequels?

While I see what you mean about the rather distracting rhyme scheme, I like the words and emotions behind this piece Andrea. :-) Beyond the "ridiculously silly" form of the piece, I think there are a lot of genuine feelings of longing and solitude, as well as some elements of self-doubt. I like the pairing of "quips and witicisms" and "jokes and jibes" in the first stanza as well. If nothing else, I could see the situations and ideas of this piece being used as the seed for another of poem at some point in the future. Thanks for sharing this here, Andrea. :-)

Yesterday evening, I went and saw the Year of the Gift Tour featuring Matre, Ceschi, Kirby Dominant, Verble & Nabahe, and Venture Capitalists at the Elements Lounge in San Francisco. Was a little uncertain if I was going to make the show since I was just recovering from a cold, but decided that the line up and the 5$ cover charge were pretty hard to pass up. I'd never been to the Element Lounge before and they seemed like a nice enough venue, with a narrow bar area leading to a small stage along with some pretty interesting designs and a bit of live art. Their sound set up was riddled with technical difficulties, however, and took a while before they got the microphones set up right for people to perform. Venture Capitalists were the first act to take the stage, and featured a rapper named Self Advocate and another rapper whose name I didn't catch. I hadn't heard of either of them before, and they put on a pretty decent set. Their beats seemed pretty original and well-produced, with plenty of cinematic samples and some cool incorporations of beatboxing, but their rapping seemed strictly mediocre and pretty forgettable. Still, their mics weren't working 100% and there are certain acts that are just sound better on a CD than they do live, so not really judging their recorded material (which I haven't heard). In an odd reordering of the show line up, Ceschi was the next up to perform. I think the reasoning behind this was because there were many people in the audience who came out to see Ceschi, and who had to leave on the earlier side due to it being a week night. Anyway, Ceschi Ramos is the main reason that I came out to see the show as well. I think he's an incredibly talented multi-instrumentalist, and is one of those people like doseone who has mastered the art of rapping but doesn't limit himself to it, opting instead to dive into all sorts of interesting styles of music. His set at the Element Lounge met expectations, as he kicked things off by composing a beat on the spot with his array of equipment and sang a soft rock ballad over it, only to break into punk-metal screaming by the end of it. He rapped absolutely ridiculous flows over a club hip hop beat and jumped through the crowd to get people hype then had everyone in the crowd sit down with him for a calm guitar folk song in the middle of dancefloor. What's great is that, while the crowd was mostly sparse and unenthusiastic throughout the show, Ceschi's set had a big flock of people watching and supporting him big time... including several California pseudo-celebrity rappers like Penny and Maleko. Anyway, from his fast-rapping melodic flows to his singing and guitar work, Ceschi is a diverse musical talent that's hard to come by. Great set. Once Ceschi did a few encores and wrapped things up, Verble and Nabahe (hailing from San Bernando, California and Honalulu, Hawaii of all places) took the stage for a very short and rather good set. Verble kind of struck me as your run of the mill nerd rapper and was a little annoying to listen to, but Nabahe actually surprised me with his daring wacko style of rapping... must be something in the drinking water over in HI! Nabahe's voice and flows were quite original and stood out to me, plus his lyrics seemed like they were well-written and the beats that he and Verble rapped over were pretty damn nice. I felt a little bad for them because they had more technical microphone difficulties than any other act, plus they had the shortest set and got little love from the crowd, which had drastically dwindled since Ceschi left the stage. I'll be on the lookout for some of Nabahe's material in the future, though. Matre of the English League was the next to step up to the stage, and was another reason I decided to check out the show. Matre's recordings have never struck me as being outstanding despite him having a couple of really great tracks, but I've gotten the sense in listening to his stuff that he might be a nice act to see live. And sure enough, despite a few turntable difficulties in the middle of his set, he got the place live with a number of really good performances. He was definitely the most traditional party-rockin rapper in the line up, though one highlight of his set was a new track in which he rapped and sung in Spanish over a salsa-type beat. Using his big single "98 Degrees" as his closing number was a nice touch as well. Very good performance. Finally, to wind the evening down, Kirby Dominant stepped in and put on a short set. At this point, the audience consisted mostly of the artists who had performed and a few of Kirby's friends, which is strange because he's kind of considered an underground legend in the Bay area. He had a very different stage presence than the other performers, and was far more laid back with a kind of kingpin-ish swagger. He did a bunch of funny tracks about girlfriends and pimping, and brought out a few of his own girlfriends at one point to let them perform a funny freestyle thing. Not a bad set, kind of a nice way to close out the evening down. I should also note that Factor, the DJ of the evening, has quite an impressive production discography of his own, though he didn't do anything other than putting on records in this show. Anyway, good show. I took some videos of Ceschi's set, but the visuals didn't come out because of the lighting alas.

Got dragged by relatives into checking out a couple of dramas recently: "The Visitor" - A flick about an aging college professor who has kind of given up on life since his wife's death, but who becomes revitalized after meeting a group of illegal immigrants who are illegally subletting his New York apartment. The film starts off with a lighthearted comic tone, but gradually becomes a more dramatic critique of the US's immigration policies. Richard Jenkins does a good job as the college professor, and the way the film deals with airports and unobtainable long distance love interests definitely hit a soft spot with me. On the down side, there were certain multi-cultural elements of the film that felt a bit forced to me, and they incorporated way too many images related to 9/11 which added an unecessary level of bluntness to the whole affair. Still, a fairly good film overall. "The Ice Storm" - An Ang Lee film from several years back starring Toby Maguire, Christina Ricci, Sigourney Weaver, Elijah Wood, Kevin Kline and Joan Allen amongst others. The film definitely takes its cue from "Magnolia" and "Little Children" by taking a large cast of flawed characters and painting a broad picture of American suburbia with them... in this case, a Nixon-era American suburbia. There may have been a few too many metaphors for war and politics in the film, but for the most part it succeeds through its quirky characters and details, putting itself on par with other movies of its type. Interesting portrayal of adults who are ultimately less mature then their children, well done film. "Iron Man" - Good superhero movie. The whole Afghanastan approach had me a little worried that the film would go all American patriot on me, but Tony Starks' change of heart made things really interesting. Robert Downey Jr. and Jeff Bridges were nice in their respective roles, and I particularly liked Gwyneth Paltrow as Tony Starks' secretary. The special effects were great throughout, and Ghostface Killah's music video cameo was a nice touch as well. Enjoyable flick. Also checked out one on my own: "Teeth" - Very original horror-comedy flick about a girl named Dawn who fulfills the myth of vagina dentata. What makes the whole spectacle really entertaining is the way that the town that Dawn lives in seems to place a strong emphasis on chastity, to the point where pictures of female genitalia have been censored from sex ed textbooks. That, and the fact that all of the men who get their privates chomped off are assholes that fully deserve it. Jess Weixler is also an excellent casting for Dawn, as she has just the right mixture of innocence and confusion in her facial expressions and also knows how to flip them into a more cunning look come the end of the film. Not quite as gory or action-packed as I thought it would be, though there are some pretty nasty images of bloody penis stumps. Thoroughly entertaining and funny film, overall.

The news cameras focus on a single flickering flame lit at the end of a twisted candle, which seems to burn only upward without any sign of shifting movements. The cameras pull back to reveal a table holding several of said lit candles, with a geld sack design tablecloth laid out under them to catch any dripping wax for future product use. Standing behind the table is a figure draped in a dark monk hood, who raises his claws over the candles and hisses: “Sssspenders, repent!” Wyvern tosses back the hood on his head, ripping it on his horns and striking a sleazy salesman grin. The overgrown lizard grabs one of the candles from the table and points at it with a claw. “Sale, ssale, ssssale! Why spend tons of geld on proper chapel candlesss when you can invest in Almost Dragonic Brand Petrified Worm Coil Candles™?! Only 80 geld for a dirt pile set. Thissss offer won’t last long, so order yours today!” Wyvern’s sneer is reduced to a grimace when his “limited time only” offer proves to be a little too accurate. He watches as the burning tip of the wick falls from the top of the candle he’s holding, his eyes widening as it lands on the tablecloth and causes it to immediately combust into flames. The overgrown’s lizard gawks and stammers for a moment, then pulls the cloth off the table and tosses it onto the ground, stomping on it and creating a mixture of melted wax and large un-petrified worms. Smoke fills the screen for several minutes as the sounds of Wyvern’s stomping grows louder and louder, until finally a silence falls over the darkened chapel. The last echoes of the stomping are heard faintly in the background as Wyvern’s snout pokes out from the smoke. The overgrown lizard coughs a bit and flicks a slow-moving worm from one of his horns, then clears his throat and turns to the cameras. “Take 2? *ahem* Welcome to the Almost Report, reporting to you live from William Azunost’s Chapel of Repentence in another of our exclusive inside looks.” Wyvern waves a claw to the scenery of the quarters, only to frown as he realizes that the smoke is clouding it all up. He begins batting his wings in an effort to fan the smoke away. “Eheheheh, soon to be an exclusive inside look that is. That’s right, annnyyy second now…” The smoke begins to clear around Wyvern, revealing several rows of simple-looking pews and a corner confession box or two. The smoke slowly parts away from the majestic stained glass window at the head of the chapel, displaying the powerful image of a winged figure with a halo and flaming sword… except that the glass of the window has been painted over to make the angel look like Wyvern brandishing a flaming Almost Dragonic Brand Petrified Worm Coil Candle.™ The ugly amateur paint job not only makes the image on the window a shadow of its former self, but blocks the sunlight from really streaming in, leaving a good deal of the chapel in darkness. Wyvern observes the window for a long moment, squaring his claws and striking a proud sneer. The lizard then licks his lips and turns back towards the cameras. “In current Pen news, an orange quill alert has gone up around the Keep as a Necromancer Invasion Alert has been issued by Degorram and Kikuyu Black Paws. The situation could apparently become very serious… how serious, you ask?” Wyvern droops his scales and groans for a moment. “I actually ran through the rain to calm Kikuyu down over it. That’s how serious…” Wyvern shudders over the thought of getting wet again, instinctively patting down his scales to wipe off any H2O that could be clinging to them. The reptilian reporter then raises the back on his monk uniform to give his tail some breathing room in a non-family friendly manner, and begins wandering down the pews of the chapel towards the window. “Rumor hasss it that the Necromancer threat and orange quill alert are accountable for the lateness of Pen promotionsss, which were supposed to have occurred at the beginning of last month but have yet to be seen.” Wyvern pauses and scratches his chin for a moment, wondering if his sources check their facts. “Anyway, to fight off this necromantic entity, we’ll need as much pennite help as we can get. Which is why I recommend Snypiuer’s successful lurker rehab organization, Lurker’s Anonymuse. Check yourself in, and become an idol by un-idle-izing yerself!” Wyvern winks to the cameras, then gestures towards the old oak confession booths that rest at a corner near the window. The overgrown lizard’s tail wags left and right as he motions in their direction, revealing more dollar sign boxer shorts than the cameras needed to see. “And ssspeaking of idols, CheerMynx is still searching for proper pennite eyesight minion to aid her on the Report.” Wyvern pauses and cringes as he remembers the incidents of last week’s report, then clears his throat. “Applicants should preferably be no bigger than a breadbox, and should come see CheerMynx in the Chapel of Repentance’s first confession booth, where the interview process has already begun. That is, unless she’s already finished the interview process… in which case, I guess she’d just be confessing some of her sins?” Wyvern scratches his chin and nods to his alternative explanation, only to freeze up as he suddenly realizes what he might be missing. The reptilian Elder’s eyes grow wide at the thought of CheerMynx describing dirty cheerleader deeds in all their glorious detail, and lets his forked tongue unravel from his mouth at the very thought of it. He raises a claw to his snout to send out a “quiet” signal to the camera crew, then tip-toes his way over to the chapel’s first confession booth. Wyvern carefully leans a horn against the wooden door, rubbing his claws together as he listens in…

"To never lose Pen's quill or ink what product should one choose? Wyvern's brand of molting peacock - it's bleeding ink backed too!" Having said his lil' piece, Wyvern leans back in his seat and applauds Kikuyu's poem, tapping his tail stinger on the edge of his seat and feeling a little better about his lack of skill in claw-to-claw combat as her words slowly sink in... ;-)

Last night, I went and saw the Rotten American Pie Tour featuring Mac Lethal, Grieves, Approach, Matthew Canvas & Silent Army at Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco. First of all, just for the record, Bottom of the Hill is still my favorite venue in San Francisco... Nice design and atmosphere, great sound quality, and shows that actually start on time (a rare feat for hip hop concerts!). Silent Army, a local bay area MC who I'd seen open for Glue a couple of times before, was the first to take the stage to perform. He isn't the most exciting MC live and his performance started off pretty mediocre, but he picked things up with a couple of more danceable tracks with better beats near the end. He also got into the crowd a little and kicked some pretty good flows during the last song of his set, which made for a fairly decent show opener overall. Matthew Canvas, who wasn't mentioned in the flyer but is apparently touring across the US with Mac Lethal and co., took the stage after Silent Army and did a very short set of folk guitar numbers, spoken word pieces, and deliberately bad jokes. He used a large wind pipe with a microphone standing at its base for several choruses, and had nice laid back attitude and sense of humor that made him easy to appreciate for his short time on stage. Approach and his rapping buddy Smooth Confusion were the next up to perform, and they wrecked shop with a show-stealing set of dancehall electro-crunk. High energy is an understatement when it comes to describing the show that these two gentlemen put on, as they were jumping and sprinting across the stage and through the crowd for pretty much the entirety of their performance. If that weren't hype enough, all of Approach's recent music has club-oriented beats with hard buzzing basslines and electro-funk synths, which made for some seriously danceable material. Combine that with the passion that these guys put in their vocals when it comes to rapping, and it adds up to quite a lively show. Very impressed, definitely my favorite set of the evening. Grieves, a Seattle act who I'd heard of a bit in passing but was not really familiar with, took the stage next and put on a nice show. He came out wearing fake neon wire rim glasses and a weird panther hoodie, and kicked off his set by having his DJ spin a soul record by Teddy Pendergrass that reminded him of San Francisco. It turns out that Grieves has quite a bit of quality music in his repertoire, and his debut album "Irreversible" is actually excellent (I bought it at the show), though I'd note that his music does not translate as well to a live setting as Approach's stuff. He performed his tracks without any visible flaws, but did mostly low key depressing-sounding numbers and didn't induce much dancing or have as much stage bravado as Approach. It was still a nice sampling of his tracks, though, and I enjoyed the set. Finally, Mac Lethal came out to headline the evening's show. I'd seen Mac a few times live before opening for P.O.S, and he was always entertaining. Since then, he put out his official album "11:11" (one of my favorites from last year), so I was looking forward to seeing him perform his more recent tracks live. Sure enough, he performed most of the tracks from "11:11" as well as some old favorites like "Walkin on Nails" and "DUI." It was a pretty good set, though I think I've seen Mac on better days... I think that for once, the lively and passionate crowd may have worked to his disadvantage. It seemed like almost everyone there knew all of his lyrics by heart (myself included) and were screaming them throughout his performance. As a result of this, it seemed like he didn't have to do as much to impress people and wasn't trying quite as hard as usual. Still, it was quite a good set... one highlight was when Mac invited Grieves back up to the stage during one of his tracks, and Grieves kicked a hilarious verse about his friends on myspace and how he needs to go to an internet cafe to use the net. Good stuff! Anyway, it was a good show overall. Here's a vid I took of Grieves performing a new track from his forthcoming album on Black Clover Records (Mac Lethal's label):

Oooo, quite a surreal and funny poem you have here Dego. :-) I definitely got an "Alice in Wonderland" feel from it, especially with the rabbit hole and all. I like how the poem gets progressively more hallucinogenic as it goes on, and the colorful phrasings like "cotton candy nymphs" and "rainbow's vomit" (cool title, by the way) worked nicely. Fun stuff, Dego, thanks for sharing it with us. :-) Wyvern strokes the scales on his chin as he looks over a map of the rabbit hole, wondering how much Tzimfemme would be willing to pay him to point out the location of the underwear tree...

Very nice poem, Silver Wind. :-) The imagery involving yellow light and "metallic nights" is interesting and suggests something artificial in the girl that the poem describes. Her tragic tale on the whole is also interesting... I particularly like the fear elicited at the end, when the element of being forgotten surpasses the possibility of martyrdom. In terms of possible things to improve in future revisions, I found that the first two or three lines of the last stanza had more interjection from the narrator than other lines of the poem, and they felt a little awkward to me for this reason. Also, the lines "for those who know/all is revealed" in the first stanza were a little too vague to be meaningful in my opinion, and the "she bleeds" at the end of the third stanza didn't correspond with the tense of the rest of that stanza. It may simply be a matter of punctuation, though - more periods or comas to indicate seperate thoughts and images might work very well here. Anyway, very nice piece overall once again Silver Wind. :-) Thank you for sharing it here.

The Almost Report cameras flicker on to a bubbling beaker of a geld-tinted formula labeled “Alchemist’s Helper,” which has been tagged with the words “Caution: Extremely Evil” in dark purple marker. The cameras focus on the shot as an unsanitary claw finds its way into the top of the beaker, touching the bubbling liquid and pulling back with a yelp as the temperature settles in. The visuals pull back a bit to reveal a table full of elaborate scientific devices, with Wyvern standing behind it and licking his burnt claw in the hopes of making it feel better. The overgrown lizard adjusts the stethoscope tied around his right horn and turns towards the cameras, his wings spread out and holding a variety of thermometers, bandages and medical hammers on their tips. He brushes down the rather tightly fitted white doctor coat that presses against his scales and strikes a toothy grin. “Greetingsss, and welcome to the latest CheerMynx catering sesss- errr, Almost Report. To mend any wounds that the lassst Report may have caused, we’ve decided to invade the Pen’s finessst medical facility to give CheerMynx’s injuries proper care and attention.” Wyvern glances down at the “Alchemist’s Helper” for a moment and frowns when he notices that the golden hue has been reduced to a thin red color, then clears his throat and flashes a fake grin to the cameras. “The only Pen medical facility run by a real doctor. A doctor with a PhD… in EVIL.” Wyvern attempts a wicked laugh that ends in an ashy fit of coughing, then lowers his wings to reveal the full extent of DoctorEvil’s top secret laboratory headquarters. Large television screens and data terminals line the dome walls while a “world domination” map blinks lights across the ceiling. Wyvern snatches a bag of medical instruments that look more like secret-agent thwarting booby traps and wanders over to a classic evil genius swiveling chair that rests at the head of the room. He sets the bag down and leans back in the chair, wishing that CheerMynx was there in his lap so he could pet her and make the villainous image complete. “Of courssse, I’m sure some of you must be wondering how we snuck in here and why it’s so deserted. Well, save your questions and their accompanying question marks for the Assembly Room, since you may need’em for Gwaihir’s new Question Mark Prompter Booth.” Wyvern does a 360 degree swivel in the evil genius chair, jingling the medical instruments on his wing tips in the process. “Jusssst remember that it’ll take more than a ssstray question mark to make you a Man of Mystery capable of thwarting DoctorEvil’s plans.” Wyvern digs into the “medical instruments” bag and pulls out a long piece of suspiciously sharp measuring tape, which has its own blade handle. The reptilian reporter swivels back and forth in his chair as tosses the tape to the side and shuffles through noxious gas arm pumps and non-medical needles. The overgrown lizard’s expression gets more and more frustrated as the lack of actual medical supplies in the bag becomes evident. “If you’re the type of pennite who tends to lurk and read responses to exercises such as the Question Mark Prompter Booth rather than participating, perhapsss it’s time to seek professional help. Lurkers Anonymuse is a new organization headed by Snypiuer that is dedicated to helping Pen lurkersss recover from their idleness-related woes.” Wyvern makes a sharp swivel in his chair that results in a snapping sound. He cringes as the broken seat collapses down a few inches. “Sssso come sit a spell in the Conservatory… or stand a spell, if yer like me.” Wyvern clears his throat and practices what he preaches, hopping out of the broken evil genius chair and moving back towards the scientific gizmo table of the facility. The overgrown lizard runs a claw along one of the trays of vials, pausing as he taps a flame-filled vial and a purple vial standing by itself on the corner of the tray. “The Almost Report would alssso like to send its belated birthday wishesss to andrea hawk and Phoenix. Here’sss hoping the two of you had great ones.” Wyvern licks his lips and plucks a vial of brown liquid labeled “Fur Enricher” then turns in the direction of a long hall that branches off from the side of DoctorEvil’s central dome. The cameras follow the lizard into an area labeled “Asylum for the Un-Criminally Sane” and come to a stop as he reaches door 17. “CheerMynx isss interviewing eyesight minion applicants in there… it’sss safer and more cost-effective cus’ of the padded wallsss.” Wyvern winks to the cameras. “Ssspeaking of which, it’s not too late to apply for the job as the cheerline’s seeing eye minion. Jussst send her a PM if yer interested.”

Nice poem, cryptomancer. :-) You paint some vivid images and interesting metaphors here, and the religious undertone was felt without it overtaking or dominating the poem. My favorite stanza was probably the second to last stanza, as the metaphoric image of people painting themselves "in the ash of the fire" was very effective as was the concept of the smog coloring us "shades of the world." In terms of possible things to improve in future revisions, my main suggestion would be to try to strip the poem down to its essentials, as there were points where the sheer number of words per line made me lose sight of the subject a bit. I think that there are a good number of words that could be cut without harming the poem in any way... for example, in the first line of the poem, are "Did I mention the" or "I am looking at?" needed there? One other minor thing - in the last line of the second stanza, "fist" should probably read "first." I normally wouldn't correct a simple typo like that, but I figure that "first" is important to the poem in that line! Anyways, very nice poem once again cryptomancer. Thanks for sharing it here, it's always nice to read something new from you. :-)

"... Wyyyyyvvvvveeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnn!" A rousing "booo!" echoes from the surrounding crowds as a set of twin arena gates creak open and a red carpet comes rolling out from them. A loud recorded drum roll begins to play in the background as two lines of troglyodytes bearing trumpets walk out on opposite sides of the carpet, dressed in white band uniforms with Almost Dragonic Inc. insignias. Poorly aimed fireworks begin sailing in all directions through the air as the drum roll gets louder and louder, and a giant Bad Year Blimp advertising Almost Dragonic Brand Weightless Blimp Landing Sacks™ passes overhead in the sky... The scene of the sports field cuts out as a sports broadcasting mouse and crossbones logo appears on the screen. The visuals cut to a comfy looking broadcasting studio cave with a widescreen TV hanging at the center of a painted rock wall. A muscular mountain troll is seated on an easychair to the left while a scrawny-looking ash imp is seated on a pole-piked rat skull to the right. The imp turns to the cameras with a tiny grin. "Welcome back to Grim Squeak-a-thon Punt n' Pass Sports talk! I'm your host, Eather Wimp, and joining me today is Punt and Pass enthusiast Ugh Varmitsquash with the play by play. Ugh?" "Well Eath, some exciting plays in today's Punt n' Pass so far. Snypiuer's cling kick and Ozymandias' troll mouth dive are a couple that come to mind." Ugh points to the television screen as it begins replaying the plays he's referring to in split screen slow motion. "Now, watch the way that Ozymandias flies into the troll's mouth here. That spin in the air was clearly an attempt at flipping the Grim Squeaker off before ducking for cover in the troll's mouth. It's a good thing us trolls have big intestines, lemme tell you! So Eath, how about this next guy? You think he'll measure up?" "Well Ugh, Wyvern 'The Scaled Suppressor' Almostdragon is looking like he could be a top contender in this years Punt n' Pass. He's almost a dragon, after all. Let's take a look at his promotional video sent to us by Almost Dragonic Inc." Eather and Ugh turn to the television screen as it goes dark. A rip-off of the Rocky theme begins playing in the background as words flash across the screen. STRENGTH The screen flashes an image of Wyvern lifting large sacks of geld, one in each arm. The sacks are in fact filled with stuffed rats. DETERMINATION The screen flashes a training montage of Wyvern stabbing stuffed rats with his tail stinger and tossing stuffed rats across a wide open room. It then shows Wyvern running up a large flight of stairs and losing his breath a little less than halfway to the top, at which point it cuts to a training sequence involving the kicking of wooden rat mannequins. Wyvern doesn't kick any of the mannequins, however, as he seems a bit lost in "thought" as CheerMynx cheerleads him on in the background. CUNNING Wyvern grins and lifts his claws in the video, revealing open mousetraps strapped to the back of each of them. He flexes his claws to show them off, only to yelp and curse as both of them snap shut on him. MOTIVE The screen flashes an image of Wyvern's geld chest. WYVERN "THE SCALED SUPPRESSOR" ALMOSTDRAGON - THE GRIM WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM. "Well very promising montage there Eath." Ugh cracks his knuckles and nods to the cameras, then jumps out of his seat and raises a fist. "Now let's go back to the playing field for some LIVE PUNT N' PASS!" The cameras cut back to the scene of the Punt n' Pass playing field, where the recorded drum roll has continued to mount to a deafening volume. The troglyodytes lined adjacent to the carpet raise their trumpets and begin tooting them as loud as they can, signaling Wyvern's grand entrance theme. The overgrown lizard jogs out onto the carpet and waves to the masses with a toothy sneer, dressed in dollar-sign emblazoned boxing shorts and a "Almost Dragonic Brand Man of the Year" ribbon over his scaly chest. Wyvern blows reptilian kisses to the masses and lets out a triumphant laugh before slipping on the rug and falling over on his knee. The overgrown lizard grimaces in pain before curling up into a fetal position on the carpet, cradling his knee and whining loudly for a medic. The cameras focus on this for many manyl minutes before an announcement comes out over the loud speaker: "OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS..."

This evening, I went to check out C.R.A.C Knuckles at the Lavende Lounge in San Francisco. I was a bit uncertain as to whether this show was actually going down since the promotion for it was scarce to say the least, with only a concert date listed on one of the group members myspace pages and nothing else. The concert date didn't even list the venue, and it took some research to figure out where the event known only as "PST" took place. This was my first (and last) time visiting the Lavende Lounge. To the spot's credit, it has a nice fancy restaurant look about it... probably because it IS a fancy restaurant by day. Unfortunately, my experience with the bouncers there was not a pleasant one. After entering the venue and standing around for 20 minutes, they approached me and said that I couldn't be in there with my backpack, quoting some ridiculous "no backpack or baseball cap in da club" dress code policy (I wasn't wearing a cap, mind you. I had on a nice sweater and matching black jeans). After spending some time convincing them, I managed to get them to allow me to drop off my backpack behind the counter at the front of the venue, but they said they wouldn't take any responsibility for it if it got stolen. So I squeezed all my valuables into my pockets and left it there. Not a great start... C.R.A.C is one of the most exciting new groups in hip hop to me, and their debut album easily ranks as one of my favorites of the year so far. I was really looking forward to seeing them live, particularly after confirming with the venue that they were in fact playing there, but unfortunately there was a catch - they didn't actually perform any of their songs. Instead, one of the members of the group Ta'Raach did a DJ mix set while the other member of the group Blu occasionally played the hype man between tracks. No fresh rapping, Ta'Raach beats, or original flavor... a major disappointment. On the positive side of things, I did get to meet Ta'Raach and gave him props for what he's doing, plus I got to buy the C.R.A.C album straight from the artists hands. Ta'Raach's DJ set also had some nice touches to it, though I didn't stick around for the entire thing. Overall though, aside from getting to purchase the album, the show really wasn't worth the long trek. No photos or video accompanying this review unfortunately, since the Lavende Lounge bouncers didn't let me take any!

The expression of despair on Wyvern's face grows more and more twisted as he watches the events that transpire between Cryptomancer and CheerMynx, whimpering as his full-proof blindness safety set-up goes completely to waste. The reptilian reporter raises his claws to his snout as the dizzy CheerMynx coos about colors, quietly stammering and looking onward with wide eyes as he finds himself at a loss for what to do. He stands in a trance for several minutes until a crashing sound in the background makes him come to his horrified senses. The lizard attributes the sound of one of the stoplights falling from CheerMynx's bedframe... though it was probably just the show ratings plummeting in the background. "Would sssomebody PLEASSSE get an icy mini-pompom for CheerMynx'sss head?!" Wyvern tears at his scales as he evaluates the bedroom mess and fumes over the situation, wandering up to CheerMynx with a worried look on his face and holding up his claws in front of her. "CheerMynxie, are you alright? That was sssome fall. How many clawsss am I holding up?" Wyvern moves two claws slowly in front of CheerMynx's face until he notices her confused expression, and hisses a silent curse as he realizes that the sight-based method of testing consciousness isn't going to work. The sign language troglyodyte in the news box slaps his head to offer a simple translation to Wyvern's actions. "WHERE IS THE-" Wyvern turns with a clenched claw, only to pause as a webbed troglyodyte hand reaches from off-screen and drops off the mini-pompom as requested. The reptilian Elder grumbles a glum word of thanks and holds the icy pompom up to CheerMynx's head. "Hold thisss for me CheerMynxie, I gotta go clean thingsss up a bit." Wyvern turns and groans at the state of the post-CheerMynx bedroom, hobbling through the mess and gathering as many rustle sensitive pompoms as his tail stinger and claws can muster. He stares blankly when he comes to a pink handlebar that's been torn from its taped spot on the wall, and leans to pick it up only to notice the dented deluxe bird cage out the corner of his beady eye. The overgrown lizard winces again as he scoops up the bird cage with a claw, giving it a long hard look before trekking back over to CheerMynx's bed. "L-lisssten CheerMynx, about the Almossst Intern Fashion Fund. We reeeaaaaalllly need to have a talk about the contract." Wyvern examines the bent birdcage to check see if it might pass for a future sound effect instrument for the Report, then sets it at CheerMynx's side and pulls out a parchment. "Claussse 1 of our Fund contract sssstipulates that geld accumulated by the Fund should only be usssed to fund CheerMynx'sss fashionable attire. Meaning it shouldn't go into minion dwellingsss. See? It'sss written right here." Wyvern points to the passage with a claw while nodding his head, only to droop his wings and tail as he notices CheerMynx shaking her head. Suddenly realizing the reading sight dilemma, the overgrown lizard turns to the cameras with a frantic expression on his face and yells: "Pen eyesight minions URGENTLY NEEDED! Pleasssse PM CheerMynx if interesssted. Benefits negotiable."

Wyvern leans in closer to examine the clear calligraphy and unobtrusive size of the words on the Cabaret wall, twisting his snout and snorting to himself as he re-reads the polite pennite excuse for tagging. The overgrown lizard rakes his claws along the wall where the words are written and scoffs, clearly unimpressed and not planning on being outdone by a rival pirate broadcaster. He scratches his chin and stares at the length of the wall for a moment, then snaps a claw and races out of the room with a sneer smeared on his face. Wyvern returns only moments later with a white smock, a paint roller, an artist's ego and a palette containing many different shades of crimson. "Let'ssssss see here..." Wyvern squares his claws and looks over the wall from an almost dragonic artist's point of view. He sticks out his tongue and rolls his paint roller over all of the colors on his palette, then sprinkles some diamond-shaped shiny sprinkes into the mix to form a concoction that would have made any grade school art teacher proud. "I'll show Mr. Ssssuicide squirrel what a true graff artissst is capable of, muahahaha!" The reptilian Elder begins rolling jagged lines over the Cabaret Wall, coating the thick sparkly paint over a few expensive paintings and narrowly missing Snypiuer's tag. Wheyvee "WYVERN!" Wyvern freezes at the scolding tone of the voice, guessing Ozymandias in Gyrfalcon's absence. The overgrown lizard doesn't turn around to face the figure, dropping his paint roller and lifting his claws over his head. "L-l-lisssten, I can explain... thisss was all part of that death planet brainssstorming exercise. Y'know, like esssoteric messages written on walls...?"

The news camera lenses fade into focus and slowly pan over the rather unusual arrangements of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ. Bright pink handlebars have been professionally taped to the walls near inclines, and extra-loud rustle sensitive pompoms have been littered in strategic locations throughout the room. The cameras continue panning right as a small box appears on the lower right-hand corner of the screen, and a troglyodyte news crew member pops up in it to signal with what appears to be some prehistoric version of sign language for the hearing impaired. The signaling troglyodyte shakes his head and raises a webbed hand to his nose as the cameras reach Wyvern, who is looking rather worried and disheveled in his position seated on CheerMynx’s bed. The overgrown lizard squints and bites his lip as he sets another piece of Braille on a messy sheet of paper labeled “CheerMynx script,” then lets out an exasperated sigh and turns his head to the news cameras. “Welcome to the latesssst episode of the Almost Report – now as blindness friendly as our budget allowsss.” Wyvern forces an awkward half-grin while the troglyodyte in the sign language box signals by pulling his empty pockets out of his breeches. “We’re putting a temporary hold on our Pen quarter invasionssss in the hopes of creating a working atmosphere for our favorite minion-less Almost Intern, which’ll hopefully decrease accidents and injuriesss. Hopefully. Jussst a matter of re-checking everything now. Yep, you’ll see. We’ll be jusssst fine.” Wyvern shifts himself off of the bed and smoothes down some of the messy scales on his head, scanning the arrangements of the room with a beady critic’s eye. The reptilian reporter wanders down the length of CheerMynx’s bed, tapping several rustle sensitive pompoms with his tail and nodding at the noises that they make. “In current Pen newsss, our bootleg broadcassstin rival Snypiuer has kicked off the first round of Grim Squeaker Punt/Pass and Kick Games™ in the Conssservatory.” Wyvern pauses as the sign language troglyodyte performs an enthusiastic kick to convey the gist of the game and falls over in his box. “The game is sssportive, fun, and (most importantly) Almost Dragonic endorsssed… meaning a good portion of the profitsss will go straight into the endless monetary pit of this Report. Playing the game is also expected to increase the health and life expectancy of ratsss everywhere since, y’know, the Death of Ratsss is getting kicked around. Give it a whirl!” Wyvern steps up to the head of the bed and turns his claw over a knob that’s been positioned on its frame, causing two bright red stop lights to flash on in front of the wall. The lights illuminate a poster of the Starry Eyed Bards of Burgendy that’s been posted up behind the bed, giving their sparse chainmail and suggestive winks a crimson hue. “In other headlinesss, Pen authorities were baffled this morning when they found the Cabaret walls defaced with a minor piece of Pen vandalism. Investigator I. M. Clueless declined to make a statement about the crime, informing media that the statement ‘Snypiuer waz here’ didn’t offer any immediate leads.” Wyvern clearsss his throat and scratches one of his horns over the assessment. The sign language troglyodyte scratches his head as well. “And sssspeaking of the convicted, there’sss also a new Cabaret brainstorming table dedicated to helping the Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons come up with planet death ideas. A mussst-visit for the esoteric minded.” Wyvern wanders away from the bed and darts from one side of the room to another, pushing chairs and other obstacles to the far end of the room while the sign language troglyodyte races around in circles to translate the lizard’s feelings to viewers. Wyvern eventually comes to a stop and kneels over to pant to himself in hisses, wiping the sweat from his shirt collar and rolling his eyes. “*Pant* ‘ssscuse me *pant.* To update pennites on other current *pant* Pen events, the wolf target of Operation Werewolf XXXIX has been neutralized and the event is now closssed. Be on the lookout for more Werewolf appearances in the Conservatory Werewolf OOC station to prep yerssself for some new hunts.” Wyvern purses his claws together and grins, causing the sign language trogylodyte to shake his head and wave a finger in front of himself. “In the meantime, why not drop by the recent Almost Dragonic Brand Modern Artsy Exhibit Travel Agency/Confection Stand and treat yerself to some inter-planar gumballs? Only 30 geld, cheap.” Wyvern straightens up and clears his throat, still clearly a bit nervous that the extra-loud pompom trail is too crooked or perhaps that the red bed frame stoplights aren’t bright enough. The overgrown lizard bites his lip as he glances left and right for the troglyodyte escort that was supposed to help guide CheerMynx in, unaware that the same troglyodyte is mistakenly broadcasting from the sign language box off-set. Wyvern gulps and pulls a small pink piece of paper from his back pocket, examining it curiously and blinking at the messy handwriting. “Finally, CheerMynx would like to announce that…” Wyvern twists his snout and squints at the unusually messy cheerline print. “CheerMynx would like to announce that she’sss searching for any pennite who might want to volunteer to act as her eyesight assistant. Jussst send her a Personal Message if yer interested.” Wyvern slowly nods and folds up the paper, then freezes up at the thought of a handsome and charismatic pennite eyesight assistant stealing the show along with all of CheerMynx’s attention. The overgrown lizard’s eyes widen a bit, and his lower lip begins to quiver as he drops to his knees and cries: “Sssssnnnuuuuffffflllleesss! Come back!”

"Haaaalllllllpppppp!" Wyvern cries out as he tries to pull the lower half of his body from the vacuum-like portal, scraping his claws against the dank dungeon stone and cursing at Zira's deceptive kitten appearance and powerful glomping abilities. The overgrown lizard grunts as he begins inching his way out of the portal, grinning and cackling to himself as his claws find stone crevices to hook themselves onto. He sticks his forked tongue out at Zira as he pulls everything except his tail from the rift, then notices his notepad lying on the floor and decides that this might be a good opportunity to jot down some measurements for cautionary exhibit tape to avoid lawsuits. No sooner does the lizard reach out and grab the notepad than he loses his grip, and he hisses a shriek before being pulled into the vacuuming portal tail first. Zira blinks and turns her head away as she watches the lizard slip down into the portal, then mewls and sets about calmly washing herself with her tongue. --- Wyvern groans as he slowly lifts himself from the bright green plain of grass, his head spinning from what he could only assume was an economy class trip to the foreign plane. The overgrown lizard sits down and absorbs the odd colors of his surroundings until his dizziness has settled, then wobbles over to a nearby bush while examining the geld sack shapes of some of the cotton candy clouds. He snatches a huge clawful of colorful berries and stuffs them into his mouth, twisting his snout up at the unnatural chewiness and going wide-eyed at the huge rush of mixed flavors that runs down his throat. The reptilian Elder scratches his chin and eyes the bush thoughtfully, then flips open his tattered notebook and begins jotting more notes for his upcoming artsy exhibit travel agency/confection stand. Wyvern is so busy trying to think up the prices for Almost Dragonic Brand Gumball Bush Seed Packets™ that he doesn't even notice the lingering stench of sulfur in the air, which grows closer and closer and...

Nice poem, Andrea. The manner that people's relationships and emotions can change radically over long periods of seperation is a sad and heartfelt topic to touch upon, and is depicted well over the course of the poem. I also like the way that you incorporate the name of one of the people whose closeness you miss so subtly with the letters and words. In terms of possible things to improve in future revisions, the grammar of the first stanza felt a bit awkward to me with "have left me" in the third line of the stanza, since the distanced subject there still seems to be the places rather than the ghosts but it's a bit unclear... Perhaps if you phrased it "who've" to refer to the ghosts, or "places that have" if you're referring to the places, it might be clarified. Anyway, this is nicely done Andrea. Thank you for sharing it. If it's of any comfort, I think that while time and distance can estrange people and change their relationships, there's nothing stopping people's emotions from changing again over time. Time may not heal all wounds, but it heals many.