Wyvern

Very good poems, Loki Wyrd. :-) I take it that these two posts are meant to be read as seperate poems, and that the second post is not a continuation or revision of the first two? I really like your uses of form and language in these poems, as the arrangements of the words and stanzas stood out to me and made for an interesting read, In the first poem, I like the fragments of imagery and the order of the words dealing with the water, with the otter line standing out in particular. I'm not sure whether I like the original poem or the revised version of the poem better... the revised version trims some of the lines from the first version down effectively which makes for some stronger and more concise lines, but the new final stanza felt different in structure and tone from the rest of the poem and I'm not sure if I liked the sudden inclusion of the first person in that stanza. The poem in your second post is very well done as well, and I liked the way that you tied logic and emotion together in it, with "Where am I/ on the grid? Part of the whole" being a highlight to me. Well done, Loki Wyrd. :-) I enjoyed reading these, thanks for sharing them here.

"You sssure your shoulder'sss OK, Kikuyu?" Wyvern blinked and rubbed his eyes for a moment over the light generated from the ninja's collar bone. "She's very clossse you say?" "Wyvern!" Ordolar shouted again, his orcish armor soaked in blood and covered in bone fragments. "An antislime tool. Do you have one?!" "Antisssslime?" Wyvern eyed Ordolar for a moment and wondered if this had to do with a case of orcish snot indigestion, then turned his snout in the direction that the paladin was facing and noticed the giant glob of mutant undead slime that he'd been covering his eyes from. "oh geeze." Wyvern took a few moments let his nausea settle, then absent-mindedly began digging through his sack of items without tearing his eyes away from the monstrosity. The overgrown lizard dug deeper and deeper into the bag until he realized it contained nothing of use against the ghoulish slime. He moved a claw up to his utility belt with a hiss. "Well..." Wyvern hissed in a distant voice, his attention still fixed on the slime as he pulled the pepper shaker from his belt. "I guessss it's time for Plan B." Sir Ordolar and Kikuyu both smiled and stepped back as Wyvern carefully raised the pepper shaker with a claw, moving it closer and closer to his snout. They raised their hands to their ears in the hopes of deafening the sound of any loud explosions, only to gawk as Wyvern tossed the pepper shaker at the blob instead of sniffing at it and causing an inferno. They watched glumly as the slime passed over the pepper shaker, consuming it into its mass of gelatinous gangrene. "There!" Wyvern dusted his claws off with a grin, turning to Kikuyu and Ordolar. "Watch, I betcha that thing's allergic to pepper. Not betting ya with geld of course, jussst in principal."

“Trade in Wyvie?” A puzzled expression came over CheerMynx’s face, followed by a hint of a frown. “Like, why would I wanna do that?” “Well Miss, I’m glad you should ask that question.” The hobbit storeowner stepped forward with a winning barterer’s grin. “You see, a specimen such as yours could be traded for many a-“ “That doessss it!” Wyvern fumed as he set a few of the huge shopping bags down, careful with the size 2 pink pillowcase dress he had purchased given the circumstances under which it had landed in his claws. The overgrown lizard took another deep whiff of the dress before tucking it away and turning to the storekeep with a scowl. “I’ll have ya know that that’sss my Brand of Company Credit Card that your client’sss holding there! Besssidesss, does this shirt look to you like something a pet would wear? Huh? Does it?” The hobbit stared at Wyvern with a slightly confused look, uncertain of how to respond. “OK… fine, forget that quessstion.” Wyvern grumbled and fumbled for his Devil’s Advocate folder, pulling out a blank sheet of paper and holding it up to show off his credentials. “But I still demand an apology!” “Oh I’m terribly sorry for the mistake sir. It won’t happen again.” The ever-persistent storeowner hesitantly extended a parchment in Wyvern’s direction. “But if you should ever want to sign yourself up for adoption, we could really use a-“ “Forget about it!” Wyvern threw his arms up in the air and slammed his tail down in an angry jerk, then shook his head and snatched the shopping bags back into his claws. “C’mon CheerMynxie, we’re leaving.” “But Wyv, the cute lil adorable bunnies..." "We can ssseek out bunnies later, I think thessse 58 bags are enough for now." Wyvern stormed out of the "Adopt a Mythical Pet" shop with the bags dangling in every direction from his scales, grunting and hobbling under their weight. The overgrown lizard cursed to himself as one of the many bags attached to his horns fell to the mall floor in the rush, and stopped with a roll of his neck. "Jussst a second, I got it." Wyvern stooped over to gather up the contents of the dropped bag and reload it, only to go bug-eyed at the wide arrangement of women's underwear and exotic lingerie scattered on the floor. He continued staring for a long moment before slowly reaching out for a set of pink panties with a trembling claw, his tongue rolling from his mouth at the soft lacey feel of the fabric. The reptilian reporter's "hard work" was eventually interrupted by CheerMynx's voice. "Oooohhh! Is this like, that movie thing?" Wyvern dropped a particularly see-through set of lingerie and turned to face CheerMynx. His scales drooped a bit as he noticed her holding the "Whisp Purrs: Best of CheerMynx" DVD that had been jutting from his back pocket in her paws. "This looks soooo neat Wyv, like where'd you get the tail pic?" "Eheheh, yeah looksss cool doesn't it? But ummm, I kinda need it back... y'see, there're some defects and it's not meant to be available and-" "Awwwww." CheerMynx pressed the DVD to her chest defensively, inadvertently testing the limits of the gold-trimmed pillowcase top against her cleavage. "Can't I watch for just a little bit?" "Um." Wyvern scratched the back of one of his horns, trying to pull his eyes away from the finer regions of the cheerline's fur. "no...?" "Pllleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssse?" CheerMynx pursed her paws together over the DVD case and looked at him with eyes verging on sadness, her tail position inching the lower half of her dress up ever so slightly. "It totally has my name on it and everything..." "Well..." Wyvern, having barely managed to resist the qualities of the cheerline's outfit, finally caved in at the sight of CheerMynx's eyes. She'd flashed him sweet and irresistible looks in the past, but her eyes were even cuter now in their natural silvery hue. "I guesss maybe you could rent it for one or two viewingsss before I dessstroy it or something..."

The news cameras flicker on and focus in on a video store’s front window display of “Whisp Purrs: the Best of CheerMynx,” which consists of a cardboard cut-out CheerMynx balancing several copies of the Dirty Vile Disc on pompoms that rest in front of her chest. The cameras pan out a bit as Wyvern barges up to the display with a loud string of curses, his claws, arms, shoulders, horns and tail stinger all loaded with large shopping bags filled with various articles of CheerMynx’s choosing. The overgrown lizard taps at the window in disbelief and hisses, then storms into the front entrance of the store with a swish of his heavy undergarment-bag-laden tail. The cameras follow Wyvern’s course through the window as he tears down the “Whisp Purrs” display and curses out the orcish owner of the store, rattling on about how the Dirty Vile Discs are defective and permanently recalled. The overgrown lizard eventually exits the store with a box full of Dirty Vile Discs weighing down on his already loaded arms. He grunts and passes the box to a troglyodyte off-screen before turning and grinning towards the cameras. “Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report.” Wyvern adjusts the shopping bags hanging from his scales so that they look vaguely symmetrical in front of his Hawaiian T-shirt. He ignores the sound of the box-lugging trodlyodyte falling over in the background and strikes a claws up. “We’re taking a break from our regular Pen quarter surroundings today to report to you live from the sssstore front of Orcy’s Prime Roast Video, located here in CheerMynx’s favorite shopping dissstrict, the Fairy Fall Mall at Pixie Peak.” Wyvern pauses for a moment to scoop up a stray copy of one of his DVDs from the ground, then stuffs it into his back pocket and signals to the camera crew as he begins wandering off-screen. The angle of the cameras shifts to reveal a bustling mall corridor filled with extra-glamorous fashion boutiques and cutting edge crystal ball outlets amongst other stores. The cameras follow Wyvern’s stilted walk as he juggles loaded shopping bags from one arm to another in a futile effort to achieve comfort. “We’re hitting the Fairy Fall Mall today to celebrate CheerMynx’s ressstored eyesight with a bit of window shopping… though the shopping ssspree that’s followed is threatening to make some sorta Pen spending record.” Wyvern sighs and stares up at the sky as he contemplates what sort of schemes he could have executed with those few Reports worth of fashion savings, then grumbles and stares back towards the cameras. “Degorram’s posssition on the Report is currently being debated since an eyesight minion is no longer necessary, though the first order of busssiness is obviously to save her from the Necromancer who’s kidnapped her. Ssspeaking of which, it’s never too late to join the Pen’s battle against undead invaders. Check the Conservatory strategy room and sign up today.” Wyvern pauses as he passes by a boar burger stand and sniffs at the air for a moment, scratching his scaly chin over the scent and frowning at the lack of curly onion cheese doodles on the overhead menu display. The reptilian reporter continues sniffing at the air as he wanders onward, eventually coming to a halt when he reaches an “Adopt a Mythical Pet” shop. He stares at the live bunny hopping in the window for a moment and hisses: “In belated Pen birthday newsss, the Almost Report would like to send its best birthday wishes to Canid, who celebrated the occasion somewhere out in the Pen wilderness last week.” Wyvern watches the bunny hop and wonders if the store might offer the service of dipping live animals in frosting and branding them with a “Happy Birthday” iron. He tilts his snout up as he notices a raven in the upper-righthand corner of the window display, and goes glum when the bunny and the raven start talking to each other in haughty high-elven accents, mythical creatures that they are. “Err, the Almost Report would also like to send its belated birthday wishes to Falcon2001, whose B-day was lost somewhere in the huge number of festivities last week. Belated, but not forgotten… here’s lookin at you, Falc!” The cameras follow Wyvern as he wanders off from the store, ignoring the yelled adoption advertisements of the bunny and the raven as they fade from view. The overgrown lizard slows his step as he passes by a store filled with fancy grandfather clocks, glancing at the display. “The Almost Report would also like to extend its memorial birthday wishes to Xaious, who passed on the other year but whose spirit livesss on in every ticking minute.” Wyvern’s eyes widen as he notices the positions of the hour and minute hands of the clocks in the store window, then clutches his shopping bag load tightly to his scales and begins dashing off in a speedy hobble. “Hurry guys, we’re gonna be late for meeting CheerMynx!” The cameras speed forward, wobbling and weeving as they follow Wyvern’s crooked course through the mall. They continue tailing the lizard as he races into a clothing outlet called “Dress Less for More,” and finally come to a halt as they find the lizard panting for breath at a waiting area outside of the women’s dressing room. Wyvern sets a few of CheerMynx’s shopping bags down for a moment to try and compose himself, brushing the scales back on his head, nervous about keeping his cool in the cheerline’s presence. He bites his lip and twiddles his claws, wondering how much more CheerMynx will notice his reactions to her outfits now that her eyesight is restored…

The bush behind Kikuyu that Ordolar had handed a piece of the sandstone-ish food to rustled a bit, only to grow two horns before a meek reptilian voice chattered: "I-i-isssit gone yet?" Kikuyu rolled her eyes a bit and reached out behind her to pat Wyvern's head for a moment, calming the almost dragon. Wyvern stuck his snout from the bush and looked both ways, then promptly scampered out and began stuffing the pieces of his quarter-built Almost Dragonic Brand Make-It-Yourself Garlic Cooking Kit™ back into his utility pockets. The overgrown lizard ignored the glum looks of the rest of the hunting party as he crammed the grill of the contraption into one of his back pouches. "What? It ssseemed like a good idea at the time!" Wyvern grumbled and kneeled down next to the vampires ashy remains, scooping up a clawful and stuffing it into his pockets for future marketing endeavors. "Besssidesss, things started getting way too dangerous once the water started comin into play, y'know how I feel about that stuff." Wyvern let out a long sigh and stared at his piece of sandstone-ish food. "Y'know, it may boggle yer mind to hear this, but knowing that Dego isss kidnapped out there has kinda made me lose my appetite. If anyone wants seconds on this dry food supplement, you're welcome to this piece... I even have some pepper if ya wanna add a lil flavor to it." Wyvern set the sandstone food down next to Ordolar as Sir Walnut Reginald Trouble Clamhat continued to introduce himself to the orc. The reptilian Elder paced back and forth a bit, eager to move on and find Degorram, occasionally darting behind Kikuyu as the sounds of owl hoors and rustling bushes.gave him the jitters...

Two flicks I watched online recently that stood out in one way or another were "The Machinist" and "Funny Games." "The Machinist" is a film starring Christian Bale about a factory worker who hasn't slept in years, and who is driven to paranoia and insanity through his insomnia. Mynx recommended this one to me after scolding me for not being a huge Christian Bale fan, and while he's still not my favorite actor, I acknowledge that he put on a pretty great performance in this... particularly through the second half of the movie, after the insanity really kicks in. Watching this film in the wee hours of the morning was a pretty eery experience given the subject matter, and I found it a pretty creepy and atmospheric movie in general. The twist and psychological unfolding of the story were nicely incorporated as well. Good movie, glad I checked it out. I generally tend to avoid torture films, but the theatrical trailers for "Funny Games U.S" seemed interesting and I'm a big fan of Naomi Watts so I decided to check it out. I gotta say, this film seriously pissed me off! To its credit, it has some interesting ideas and the psychological games that the villains play with the family to invade their home held my interest and attention for about the first third of the film. Aside from the sadistic nature of the film, the thing that really got me riled was the attempt at self-consciousness that the film tried to achieve, which honestly must have been put in there with the intention of getting the audience angry. The couple of moments where the psychos directly address the audience were tolerable albeit a bit too tongue-in-cheek for their own good, but the remote control scene (which I won't spoil here) was really the last straw and just a blatant way of rubbing people the wrong way. Despite Naomi Watts doing a typically great job with her character, I don't recommend this movie due to its self-conscious choice of direction and inevitable pointlessness... It is a film that I'll remember due to the way that it pissed me off, but not very much else. I also caught "Indiana Jones" and "Prince Caspian" recently, both of which I found decent and sorta fun. I had very low expectations for both of them and there were elements of both that I found a bit corny (the nuke and monkey swinging in Indiana Jones come to mind), but I didn't think they completely sucked and that was enough to make my day. Pretty fun flicks.

"Oh great, an orc..." Wyvern grumbled to Kikuyu under his breath, rolling his eyes as Ordolar mentioned some foreign orc God name. "A delusssional orc at that. You ssstay calm Kikuyu, let me do the talking..." Wyvern cleared his throat and stepped out from his area of the bushes, walking up to Ordolar and slowly nodding to the paladin with a grin. The overgrown lizard then lifted a claw to his armpit and set about making flatulence noises in a traditional orcish greeting, nodding all the while "BURRRP. YOU ORC. WE HUNTING PARTY." Wyvern hissed the words slowly, gesturing with his claws to make sure that Ordolar understood. "YOU STAY HERE. WE FIND CHICKEN DRUMSTICK." Wyvern turned to Kikuyu and muttered through his teeth: "Now'ssss our chance, let'sss make a run for it!" Kikuyu slapped her forehead, then shook her head at Wyvern and stepped out to greet Ordolar herself. "*Ahem* Apologies for my friend's rude greeting and way with words there, what he meant to say is that we'd love your aid in battling and killing the Necromancer. The forest is dense, however, and it may be best to leave your steed at bay. Isn't that right, Wyvern?" Wyvern ceased running his claws across his throat and flashing "don't do it" hand motions in Kikuyu's direction as Ordolar and the ninja turned to face him. He lifted a claw to one of his horns and let out a nervous laugh, then jerked his head in a nodding motion and set about examining the foliage of the forest entrance. "Aasharam be praised that you are on the side of good." Ordolar smiled at Kikuyu as he tied his horse to a sturdy tree, rubbing its head to let it know he wouldn't be long. "How will we know where the necromancer is hiding? The forest is vast, and we haven't much time..." "Uuuuhhhhhmmm, I don't think there'll be too much of a problem there guysssss." Kikuyu and Ordolar turned as Wyvern lifted himself from the foliage. The overgrown lizard twisted his scaly snout in disgust as he held up a rotting zombie finger for the others to see. "They left sssorta a trail if ya get my drift..."

"Errr, you mean the stuff on that projector ssscreen?" Wyvern grabs the remote and presses the stop button four more times, growling to himself and almost snapping the remote in half as it continues to do nothing. He raises a claw and almost hisses up a fib about a multi-million geld face-making contest, but then sighs and decides to be straight with his Almost Intern on her birthday. "It'ssss just a coupla recordings I took from the Almost Report. Ssspeakin o' which..." Wyvern hops to his feet and stands beside CheerMynx for a moment, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her in the direction of the seated critics. "Ladiesss and gentlemen, the ssstar of the evening, CheerMynx!" The three troglyodyte critics remaining in the room applaud as Wyvern directs CheerMynx to her reserved spot on the bed. The overgrown lizard raises a scaly brow as he notices the Almost Intern's odd outfit, which consists of a combo of tight jeans with a pink dress covering them, along with a homely sweatshirt that's on backwards and completely uncoordinated with the lower half of the unrevealing outfit. There's even a comb still sticking from the cheerline's half-done hair. Wyvern snorts and scratches his horns over how CheerMynx could have chosen such a mess of an outfit after regaining her sight, crossing his claws and praying that it was due to her thoughtless excitement rather than a loss of all fashion sense. He seats himself next to her and promptly cringes at the sight of the current drooling Wyvern face that fills the screen. "Here, wear thessse." Wyvern pulls out a pair of Almost Dragonic Brand 3D Sunglasses™, guaranteed to block out the images on the screen in three dimensions. "They'll make this movie ssssooo much better."

The Pen news cameras slowly fade into a visual of CheerMynx’s quarters, which have been decked out with “Happy Birthday” flyers and colorful balls of yarn. Little kitten minions with birthday bow ties roll around and play in a Wyvern-safe pen in the corner of the room, and a poster for the Candle Robber Macho Sprites rests taped to a wall in all its mini-mohawk sporting glory. The most notable element of the room is a large projector screen that covers the entire wall opposite of CheerMynx’s bed, which combined with several poorly positioned speakers makes for an unprofessional movie theatre type set-up. CheerMynx’s mattress and blankets have name tags attached to them to indicate theatre seating arrangements, though they could also easily be mistaken for an elaborately planned post-kegger party activity… “Greetingsss, yes right this way, welcome to the Almost Report.” The cameras turn to the image of Wyvern, who is ushering staunch troglyodyte and goblin film critics into the room and directing them to their seats. The overgrown lizard breaths a giddy hiss and brushes down the dark coffee-stained director’s sweatshirt that clings to his scales, tilting the fedora that hangs from one of his horns and turning towards the cameras. “Tonight, we're bringing you a ssspecial Almost Intern B-day Edition of the Report. Happy Birthday, CheerMynx! Be sssure to check out the feline festivities for Mynx and CheerMynx in the Cabaret Room if ya haven’t done so, and ssstay tuned to this Report for a special screening of a new Almost Dragonic Brand Dirty Vile Disc™ in honor of the occasion.” Wyvern lifts a crooked DVD case that has a picture of a tiger tail curled into a heart formation on it, along with the words “sizzling,” “scintillating,” and “all real fur” highlighted in oversized exclamation boxes. He points at the DVD and strikes a sleazy salesman grin, turning to the audience of critics as the cameras pan out for a wider visual of the bedroom theatre. “’Whisp Purrs: the Best of CheerMynx’ is a sssexy and ssssensual documentation of some of the hottest highlights of CheerMynx’s Almost Interning. Specifically targeted towards CheerMynx wardrobe fanboys such as myssself, the DVD was filmed using my very own hidden camcorder.” Wyvern reaches into the sleeve of his sweatshirt and pulls out a tiny camera with a toothy grin. “It featuresss classic examples of CheerMynx’s allure, including the golden two piece, the Faye pirate white attire, the Valentine’s special, and who could forget the classsic succubi imitation garb? It even featuresss a few close-up shotsss, courteousy of the infamous Wrenwind bed curtain incident! Due to the high demand for CheerMynx-related product, the DVDs will be sold at 500 geld a pop… all of which will go into the Almost Intern Fashion Fund for future marketing endeavorsss.” Wyvern grins and claps his claws together, then pockets the crooked Dirty Vile Disc and takes a seat in the front row, next to a spot reserved for “CM.” “The screening of ‘Whisp Purrs’ will begin after the following advertisement.” The lights of the bedroom theatre go low as the projector screen begins playing a shaky black-and-white war film reel, detailing marching zombies and an evil necromancer type raising his hand and commanding them onward. The screen flashes a brief shot of Degorram caged in the necromancer’s little kidnapping box, then flashes the words: --- The Pen needs YOU to battle the necromantic threat! Join the Pen brigade today! Battle alongside friends in arms, see exciting new undead places, discuss strategies in the brigade’s newly built planning room. Be a Hero – be a Pennite. --- The advertisement flashes the image of a rubber chicken blowing a bugle horn and then flickers to black, leaving the crowd in darkness for a few minutes. “And now, our Feature Presentation.” Wyvern licks his lips and gibbers excitedly to himself, nudging a nearby goblin critic and whispering “Thisss is gonna be gooood.” He cackles to himself and rubs his claws together as the title screen comes up and cheesy 80s synth music begins playing in the background. He freezes and gawks in horror, however, as the first scene of the movie starts playing. The entirety of the screen is suddenly filled with an image of Wyvern’s face… and hardly a flattering one at that. Drool is dripping from the lizard’s mouth and his eyes are all googly and out of sync, clearly occupied with greater things beyond the camera. A collective grumbling begins rising from the crowd of critics as Wyvern jumps to his feet and raises his claws, standing in front of the screen. “N-now w-w-wait a minute, thisss is clearly a technical difficulty of some sort. Don’t leave yer ssseats, just wait till the next scene.” As if on cue, the next scene starts playing, revealing another image of Wyvern’s face, this one looking even more smitten with a huge dumb grin and nostrils that are practically blowing off steam. The lizard’s tongue rolls out on the screen as the speakers are filled with the sound of his heavy breathing. “Eheheheh. Guess I musta been holding the camera the wrong way…” Wyvern cringes and raises a claw to his horns, blushing and staring at the ground in a sheepish manner. He stammers as some critics begin booing while others start leaving their seats. “J-jusst a second, I’ll stop the DVD, we can talk thisss over.” Wyvern pulls out a remote control and hits the “Stop” button, only to curse to himself as he finds that the Almost Dragonic Brand Dirty Vile Disc™ is defective and unresponsive to the commands of the control. The lizard groans as another scene starts up, the screen displaying an embarrassing close-up image of him panting like a dog with his eyes bugging out. Wyvern slaps a claw on his forehead and sinks back into his seat, drooping his head and trying to ignore the giggling of the few critics who’ve decided to stick around...

Wyvern paces through the Cabaret Room with a lengthy parchment in claw, scratching his horns and twisting his snout as he double-checks each of the party details one more time. The overgrown lizard walks down the red carpet that extends from the Cabaret entrance to the wide banquet table and catnip bar in the back, pausing to inspect the large heart-shaped cake that rests there. He dips a claw into the orange and black striped icing to give it a taste, careful not to knock over any of the extra bright candles as he smacks his lips over the chocolaty goodness. He straps a pointy party hat to one of his horns, then grabs a tall glass of Bruteweiser from the table and moves over to the Mynx and CheerMynx shrines that have been set up along the adjacent Cabaret wall. The Mynx shrine sports dark and elegant colors, with cheap replicas of various daggers and magical scrolls, a rustic coffee cup, and even a few inches of film reel all organized in a manner combined to look something like a tiger face. A few feathers from various types of birds are scattered around the shrine, maybe meant to represent former prey or maybe meant to hint at the bonds of close friends. To the right of the Mynx shrine stands the CheerMynx shrine, overflowing with bright and glossy colors, a full assortment of claw polishes, fancy combs and fur brushes arranged in a makeup booth fit for a celebrity of the Almost Intern caliber. A calendar of Wyvern doodle CheerMynx picture pin-ups hangs loosely over the shrine while a keg of Bruteweiser and a long drinking tube have been set up underneath it. Wyvern crosses his arms and nods as he looks over the displays, checking over his parchment with a keen reptilian eye. “Sssspinky.” Wyvern signals to the troglyodyte with a claw, stepping away from the CheerMynx shrine and whapping a few sparkly birthday pompoms with his tail in the process. “What’s the ssstatus on the evening entertainment? Did ya manage to find a celebrity football team willing to sign autographs?” “Well, yeah…” Spinky races up alongside Wyvern as he walks. “But the only team available was The Blind Kick-Orcs from Grogh. They were the one team who were disqualified this early in the season and thus free to-” “The Blind Kick-Orcsss? How’re they supposssed to sign autographs?! I mean, besides being blind, I doubt they ever learned how to write.” Wyvern grumbles and halts at a table with various styles of gift wrap laid across it. He picks out a roll of wrapping paper with little pictures of Snuffles dotted over it and turns it in his claws. “How about music? Did we get thossse bards that CheerMynx is really into, the Ultramagnetically Attractive Masters of Sorcery?” Spinky frowns and slowly shakes his head. “They were booked… spell booked, even. We ended up settling for the Goblin Banjo Buckaroos, though you’ll be happy to know that they’re within our budget range. They work for dead rats.” “Guess I’ll have to contact the Grim Squeaker...” Wyvern lets out a long sigh as he sets down a jagged granite club with an “M” scratched onto its front. He rolls the weapon over the wrapping paper until it starts to look like a giant Almost Dragonic Brand Pebblish Spitball,™ then tops the crumpled mess with a little birthday ribbon. “At least tell me we managed to get some sort of entertainment for the evening?” “Well, yes, but those professional knive-juggling flame breathers you wanted weren’t willing to work for an Almost Dragonic cause. So I think we’ll have to go with Pinky the Clown.” “Pinky the Clown?” Wyvern snorts and starts packaging a heart-shaped handy bag filled with fan mail and beauty catalogues, which has the initials “CM” emblazoned on it in glitter font. The overgrown lizard tears and tapes gift wrap left and right. “Who’sss Pinky the Clown?” Wyvern puts the finishing pink ribbon on his second gift and pats it so that the mess of packaging resembles a vaguely square shape, then turns to Spinky to repeat his question. The overgrown lizard finds himself tongue-tied when he sees that the troglyodyte is now wearing a red clown nose and carrying a banana cream pie. “I take it yer gonna need back-up…?” Wyvern groans as Spinky/Pinky slowly nods, then starts shooing the troglyodyte away with a claw. “Fine. I’ll get the white scale paint, some prosthetic mime armsss, and a pack of Almost Dragonic Brand Trick Flaying Cards™. Now go practice! And remember – no seltzer water gagsss. Only booze spray, thank ya very much.” Wyvern watches Spinky/Pinky scurry off, then grumbles to himself and sets his two gifts on their appropriate shrines respectively. He grins to himself over the set-up, then scratches his chin over where to find some new scale paint… and more importantly, what the best spot to pounce and hugtackle Mynx from might be. ;-) OOC: Since it's Monday NZ time, Happy Birthday Mynx! I hope that you have a really great one, and that you continue to have really great ones for many years to come. And 8 additional lives worth of ones after that! All the best.

Last night, I went to see the "ShapeShifters" release party starring Invincible, Finale, Femi, and the Mamaz at Club 6 in San Francisco. I'd never been to Club 6 before and was a little wary of the odd curtains surrounding the outside of the venue, but it turned out to be my kinda intimate spot and was located pretty close to late night public transportation, which is always a plus. I still need to get my timing right for hip hop shows, as I arrived there an hour later than the flyer specified but still had to wait about an hour and a half before anyone came on to perform! I dunno why hip hop shows are perpetually later than I think they're gonna be, but there you have it. A local Bay area group called The Mamaz were the first to step up to the stage and kick it. I'd never heard of them before and feared the worst since their appearances didn't exactly suggest great MCs, but I was very pleasantly surprised by their set and will check for their material in the future. The two Mamaz both seemed to have a good deal of confidence and energy on the mic, and knew how to hype up the crowd and get them dancing with lots of fun club-oriented beats and catchy hooks. They had quite a few friends and supporters in the crowd as well, and got quite a lively reaction while performing their tracks. Quality set. Another local act I'd never heard of, Femi, was the next up to perform. Though she had her occasional rap verses, she was more of a soul vocalist and relied on her singing to deliver her socially conscious lyrics. Unfortunately, I think that Femi was a little quick to jump the gun.... she came onto the stage expecting a really hype crowd after the Mamaz, but her call-and-responds and "get hype"s fell a little short. She seemed talented enough, and I'd be interested to hear some of her recorded material, but she also seemed a little overconfident on stage and didn't deliver as good a set as the Mamaz. A decent set. Once Femi had finished, Finale came up to the stage to shine on the mic. Hailing from Detroit, Finale is one of the reasons I came out to see the show. He doesn't have a great deal of material out, and the one CD he is pushing lacks a bit in the beat department, but Finale is without a doubt a very talented rapper with a strong voice and a real thick Detroit drawl that makes for a natural flow. To my pleasant surprise, the beats that Finale rapped over during his set were all new and a great deal more interesting than the beats I'd heard him on previously, though unfortunately his mic was on too low and it muffled his style of rapping a bit. Normally a low mic wouldn't hurt an MCs performance too much, but I think Finale's laid back natural flow needs a decent sound level to sound right over blaring production. Still, I enjoyed Finale's set overall. Invincible was the final headlining performer of the evening, and another reason I went out to see the show. Also repping Detroit and acclaimed as one of the more talented female MCs in hip hop, she's had a number of impressive guest appearances on people's albums over the years and only recently released her big debut solo album "ShapeShifters." I wasn't sure if she'd be able to hold down a set all on her own, but I immediately learned that she could do it with ease. Great voice and flow, plenty of excellent socially conscious lyrics to make you think, and a lively stage presence with lots of movement and charisma. She performed a number of excellent tracks from her debut album, including several tracks about her Palestinian heritage and the racism that arab people are faced with in the US, as well as tracks detailing the dilapidated state of the ghettos in Detroit. She finished her set with a 5 minute freestyle with Finale, where the two of them asked the crowd what motivates them every day and incorporated those words into their rhymes (I said "writing," for the record ;D). Invincible put on the best set of the evening hands down, very impressive. Very good show overall, and particularly interesting given the number of female hip hop acts that performed. Might edit in some video later , but for now here's a pic of yours truly with Invincible post-show: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/elitwack/DSC01966.jpg

The screen goes black to the sound of Dego's muffled voice, then flickers back on to a shot of the aftermath of the latest Almost Report. The green scale dye splattered around the Tower of Elders makes it look more like a proper jungle than it did prior to CheerMynx's entrance, though the occasional traces of owl feathers call the authenticity of the habitat into question. Wyvern crawls on his hands and knees across a corner of the room with a toothbrush in claw, hissing to himself as he scrubs away at the spots of paint as best as he can. He pauses and sighs as the owl begins squacking and flapping its wings again, watching it as it flaps around in its position tied to a potted tree. "Like, how's it coming Wyvie?" CheerMynx stretches in her position seated on the meeting table of the Tower, one striped leg crossed over the other, the dazed look now gone from her blind eyes. She files her nails instinctively as she speaks, relying on touch and routine as the owl minion hoots its way left right around the tree. "Sure you don't need any help?" "Oh no no, you take it easssy CheerMynxie. Like I sssaid *ahem*, I wanna earn a new merit badge." Wyvern grins dumbly at the thought of CheerMynx handing him one of her badges and jitters as he contemplates exactly how much of the cheerline's outfit the badges are pinning together. He glances up at the Almost Intern in the hopes of working out the finer details of the dress, but drops the plan and goes blank as the sight of one of CheerMynx's legs swaying back and forth sends him into a miniature trance of sorts. The incessant hooting and squacking of the owl eventually breaks Wyvern from his hypnosis, and the lizard shakes his head and sets about scrubbing in double time. "I'm callin' it a day, Wyv." Spinky raises a webbed hand as he passes by, then pauses and stares down at the reptilian Elder. He sniffs at the air for a moment and raises a brow. "Say, why do I smell...? Wyvern, that isn't Bruteweiser you're using to scrub the Tower floor is it?" "No, of courssse not... It's Bruteweiser and ssspit." Wyvern dips his toothbrush back into his spitoon, then glances up at Spinky and sticks his snout up at the troglyodyte's glum expression. "Well waddaya expect me to ussse? Water?!" ;-)

Wyvern shoves a sack of Almost Dragonic Brand Spontaneous Fire Cracklers™ next to the bags of Almost Dragonic Brand Tactless Tacks™ and Almost Dragonic Brand Pedigree Rocks™ that rest in a fortified area near the Pen's Cabaret windows. The overgrown lizard brushes the sweat from his scaly forehead, then pulls out his portable crystal ball and mutters a little universal incantation over it. “Wyv to owl eyes, Wyv to owl eyes. The geld’sss in the piggy bank, I repeat, the geld’s in the piggy bank. How's the watch from the tower? Uh huh, uh uh. Minor zombie spottingsss you say? Yeah, go on and report'em. I'm gonna head back over to the Conservatory to see if Kikuyu's got the Dego search party together, might have to tag along jussst cus I wanna make sure she's OK. Alright, I'll call ya back. Until then, proceed to Operation Almost Dragonic Brand Victory. Ain't no necro creeps invading my exploitable Keep! Wyv out." Wyvern stuffs the portable crystal ball back into his pocket, then crosses his arms over his chest as he looks over the arrangement of the items next to the fortified Recruiter's Office paperwork barricades. The overgrown lizard breaths a slightly smoky sigh and crosses his claws for good luck, then grabs his patented Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball Boomerang Slingshot™ and makes a run back in the direction of the Conservatory planning room. He screeches to a brief hall at Celes Crusador's Cafe, where he takes a moment to shuffle through the shelves of cooking items before hesitantly grabbing a pepper shaker and stuffing it into his pocket. "Jusssst in case..." Wyvern cringes at the thought of the substance reaching his nostrils, then grumbles and dashes back off towards the Conservatory. "The things I do for my fans..."

The news cameras wobble unsteadily as they focus on what appears to be an image of the Tower of Elders, which has been “camouflaged” by a series of large potted plants from Gwaihir’s greenhouse meant to resemble a jungle of sorts. A kazoo medley blows somewhere in the background as Wyvern races onto the set, topless with cheap green scale dye that makes his chest look like a weed-infested crimson rose garden. The overgrown lizard tightens the “Born to Geld” belt strapped around his khakis, then adjusts the hardhat hanging uselessly on one of his horns and flashes a toothy sneer. “Hi, and welcome to the latessst Almost Report.” Wyvern pulls out a bronze spittoon and slams it down on the wide leafy table in front of him. He grins and attempts to spit into it, but grunts as the spit falls short and dribbles down his chin. The overgrown lizard wipes the spit off his chin with his bare arm, then wipes his arm off on his khakis… smearing them with some of his rather worthless scale dye in the process. “*Ahem* Err, we’re just gearing up for the Pen’s recent necromantic conflict. In case you haven’t heard, here’s the situation.” Wyvern shoves a bag of Almost Dragonic Brand Pedigree Rocks™ labeled “Catapult Fodder” to the side and reaches up beyond a fern plant, pulling down a semi-hidden projector screen. The screen remains blank for a few minutes before an overly complicated strategic diagram of squiggly lines and odd abbreviations begins flickering over its wavy surface. Wyvern snatches a thin tree branch leftover from the jungle décor and points it at the screen. “At exactly 666 hour, ‘I <3 Wyvern’ Club founder and Almost Report eyesight minion Degorram departed from the Pen, apparently in search of an old archrival of great magical prowess. It has now been confirmed that the rival is planning a full scale necromantic assault on these quarters, and a red ink quill alert has been issued throughout the Pen.” Wyvern frowns as the unsturdy projector screen jolts upwards by itself. He drops his branch and points towards the cameras with the best Uncle Sam grin he can muster, looking something like a cross between a Rambo impersonator and a crocodile. “The Pen needsss you to aid us in the defense of our Keep, as well as in reclaiming Degorram and bringing her back to safety. Check the Conssservatory for all the latessst battle plans and details.” Wyvern grunts and reaches into his pockets, pulling out some curly onion cheese doodle spread and streaking it over his cheeks like war paint. The overgrown lizard then saunters through the minor jungle of the Tower, halting as he arrives at a large bush where Spinky stands on guard. “Of courssse, not all of the Pen's current newsss items are bleak calls to arms.” Wyvern winks towards the cameras, then signals to Spinky who shoves the bush aside, revealing a set of stairs and a hatch door that rests behind it. The overgrown lizard briefly compliments the troglyodyte on his choice of camouflage, ignoring Spinky’s grumblings about Jechum’s Exotic Forest and his lack of choice. He instructs the troglyodyte to direct CheerMynx to the hidden door, then turns back towards the cameras. “The Almost Report would alssso like to take this opportunity to host a belated celebration for Patham’s birthday. Hope ya had a great one, Patham!” With that, Wyvern unlatches the door and steps into a small airy room filled with bright birthday decorations and colorful flyers, which provide a stark contrast to the dark jungle that encompasses the rest of the Tower. The reptilian reporter maneuvers around the once-grayish rug of Patham’s quarters and drops off an Almost Dragonic Brand Nocturnal Hoot Amplifier™ on the round wooden table of the room. Wyvern reaches into his khakis and tosses some more confetti, then glances up at the wide ceiling window/owl exit of the room and squints to see if he can spot any familiar feathers flying in the night sky.

Wyvern tears at the scales on his head as he paces back and forth, biting on the tips of his claws and letting his tail jerk back and forth in frustrated motions. On the one hand, the overgrown lizard didn't want to let his biggest fan down and feared for Degorram's health, and on the other it seemed like defending the Pen Keep from the latest necromancer creep was rapidly becoming a top priority. The overgrown lizard bites his lip and twists his tail stinger in the carpet for a moment, then snaps a claw and sets out searching the Conservatory counters for quills. "Kikuyu, yer not going nowhere without at leassst two pennites backin you up. Essspecially not if Dego's pain is affecting you in this way." Wyvern snatches a quill from a small table, then pulls out a blank sheet of paper from his Devil's Advocate folder and begins scribbling on it. "And on sssecond thought, never mind the Elder council buisnesss... like I said it'sss time to go fast and we all know how those meetingsss can be mercilesssly slow. Jolinar!" The polite and timid woman looks up with a nervous expression as Wyvern glances in her direction with wild beady eyes. "Wyvern, nice to meetcha. Now I know it ain't easssy to remember onesss dreams after wakin up, but if you ssseem to recall anything having to do with necromatic minions, you'll let us know what sorts o' sons o' ditches we're dealin with eh???" Wyvern grabs an envelope from a counter with such haste that he leaves claw markings on the intricate wooden design. The overgrown lizard stuffs the letter into the envelope and scribbles something on its front, then storms over to a window of the Conservatory and shoves it open with a claw. "HO, REPLY RAVEN!" A distant cawing of "Reply" is heard through the rumbling thunder for a few moments before Falcon's trusty minion lands on the window sill to coax Wyvern on. The disheveled raven caws "Reply" a few more times as its wet feathers dribble rain water left and right. Wyvern scrunches up his snout and carefully holds the envelope in front of the raven's beak. "Deliver thisss to the person it'sss addressed to, and don't ceassse yer cawing till he replies." Wyvern tucks the envelope into the raven's claws, carefully avoiding getting any water on himself. He shoos the raven off of the window sill and watches it fly into the cloudy sky, biting his lip and hoping that it reaches its destination safely. "Alright, now where are Venefyxatu, Vlad, Minta, Tamaranis, the Death of Rats?! We've gotta fight fire with Almost Dragonic Brand Infernos™ as I like to say." Wyvern turns away from the window and fumes, forgetting to shut it. "We're gonna need some holy types as well. Here, somebody get Knight on my portable crystal ball..." "Wyvern." Kikuyu's eyes widen as she spots the creature flying towards the open window. "Look out!" Wyvern grunts and turns, then cries out and falls back as a small bat-like creature soars into the Conservatory, squeaking and flapping its wings while dribbling blood over its round body. Many pennites scream and whack at the bat-thing with whatever they've got, causing it to bounce along the walls and over the ground. "C-calm down everyone, jusssst calm down!" Wyvern raises his claws and shouts. "It'sss just the Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball™, nothin to be afraid of! *grumble* I was wondering where that thing flew off to..." Wyvern raises a claw to his chin as he watches the winged ball bounce. "Y'know... if someone has a slingshot and a catcher's net, we might have a potent weapon on our handsss."

Wyvern rasps out a nervous laugh as the color slowly begins to come back to his scales, raising a claw to one of his horns and turning towards CheerMynx and Degorram with a slightly revitalized look. He reaches out with a claw to pat the chihuahua Dego on the head for her good deed, only to stop mere inches away from the bulge of CheerMynx's cheerleader top as he realizes how the pat might be misinterpreted. The overgrown lizard gulps to himself and quickly retracts his claw, clearing his throat as Degorram's smoke screen continues billowing in the background. "A-a-annnyways, great to see you and yer minion all sssynced up now CheerMynxie. It... well, it definitely showsss." Wyvern blushes a bit and glances away from the measurements of the Almost Intern's cheerleader skirt, then strikes a toothy grin. "Well, shall we go? There'sss minimal clean-up cus Ssspinky and co. are absent, in fact we can prob'ly just leave everything here. Y'know, so we can get out of here. Like now, preferably." Wyvern gestures and begins wandering out of Alzorath's quarters, trying to get out of the room before there's any risk of the smoke screen dissipating. He freezes as CheerMynx ceases fondling Degorram and tilts her head up. "Wyyyyvie? Like, who was that other guy? You're not like, planning on hiring another intern or anything?" "Oh, no no no no no. NO!" Wyvern twists his snout and shakes his head vigorously, scrambling back over to CheerMynx. "No, that guy was a, uhhh, a goblin plumber. Ya see, Alzorath needed a monkey wrench and a plunger for his new art project, so..." "I ain't no plumber!" The voice of the goblin rumbles from behind Degorram's smoke screen, followed by the deafening sound of flatulence. The smoke is blown back by the goblin model's massive fart, revealing his bulging warted stomach and dirty loincloth once again. "Don't you goons ever read 'Warts Illustrated'? Dey gots a great swim soot issue dat I posed fer." Wyvern gags and goes green again while CheerMynx is saved from the sight as Dego-chihuahua instinctively ducks into her purse. Wyvern sways dizzily and raises his claws to his snout, having seen the goblin one too many times for his lunch. He races over to the nearest open space to retch over the ordeal, not noticing CheerMynx's tail resting on the ground in front of him. The cheerline's eyes widen as she feels something warm and wet touching the tip of her tail. That combined with Dego-chihuahua peeking out of the bag and noticing Wyvern's mess is enough to send the Almost Intern into full fashion panic mode. "EW EW EW EWW EWWWWWWWW!!!"

Hjolnai grumbles and leans back in his applicant easychair, glancing up at the Office's Rolodex clock and noting its lack of magical capacity. He blinks twice and does a double-take as he notices the positions of the hour and minute hands on the clock, wondering if the Elder of Initiates really is as late as the hands seem to indicate or if it's a clever illusion of some sort. The applicant steps out of his seat to examine the time closer, only to pause as the Office window suddenly slams open. Hjolnai raises a hand to his face defensively as a gust of wind creates a blizzard out of the mess of paperwork that litters the Office floor, sending prior apps and discarded schemes flying past him at an unsettling velocity. Once the wind has passed and the paper storm has settled, Hjolnai lowers his guard and raises a brow at the figure that stands before him. The dark brown hood draped over the figure's head does little to hide his jutting horns, and the scaly tail that drags from his rear has a familiar-looking stinger at its tip. “Greetingssss Hjolnai.” The hooded figure extends an almost dragonic claw and shakes the applicant’s hand. “I’ve been… expecting you.” “Wyvern?” Wyvern pauses, then sighs and pulls the hood off of his scaly head before raising a claw to his snout and glaring at Hjolnai with a pair of beady eyes. “Shshshshsssshhhhh! Not ssso loud, you’ll blow my cover.” Wyvern snorts and glances in both directions, then lifts a claw to his snout and whispers. “I heard there’re some Akashans sssnoopin’ around who wanna use my scaly hide for Library cushionsss or something, so I'm trying to lay low for a bit. Jussst refer to me as El Wyverno for the rest of the Report, capiche?" Wyvern doesn't wait for an affirmation as he pulls the brown hood back over his head, hobbling over to his Recruiter's desk and snatching Hjolnai's application from the towering pile of papers to attend to. The sheet disappears into Wyvern's hood, and he mutters to himself as he reads over the story in the safety of his disguise. "Hrmm, so a ssspecialist in the art of merging dark spells and forbidden technology are ya? Well, it jussst so happens I have a product design or two that I'd be willing to sell ya for a discount price." Wyvern kicks his head back in an attempt to unveil his hood, but gets it caught on his horns again and curses. The reptilian Elder tugs at the top of his hood with his claws as he continues. "For example *grunt*, take a look at this beauty." Wyvern reaches into a pocket of his cloak and pulls out what appears to be a splinter of wood with a shape that's vaguely reminiscent of a toothpick. He hands the item to Hjolnai with a toothy grin that's visible even through the darkness of his hood. Hjolnai stares at the tiny piece of wood in his palm and frowns. "What is this?" "Why, it'sss an Almost Dragonic Brand Cursssed Imp Dagger™, a combination of a splinter of wood left over from one of Woody the Office door's sobbing spells and magic that makes the wood look a darker shade of brown. Or at leassst I'm told that it'sss magic, and not Almost Dragonic Brand Ash Snot Darkening Powder™... I mean, that'sss the rumor anyway." Hjolnai rolls his eyes as he turns the splinter of wood in his hands, then coughs and hands it back to the hooded lizard. "Listen, Wy-" "El Wyverno." "... El Wyverno. I'm afraid have no interest in your tiny product. Now, perhaps you could enlighten me about the state of my application?" "Yer application?" Wyvern scratches one his horns under his hood, then snaps a claw. "Oh that! Yessss, your application. Well, since yer not interesssted in the Cursed Imp Dagger, I guess that your application is reje-" Wyvern freezes up as the Office door suddenly opens by itself and slams shut again in a deliberately loud manner. "Accepted." Wyvern squeaks, stamping Hjolnai's story ACCEPTED. "Eheheheh. Welcome." ;-) OOC: An ACCEPTED application story, Hjolnai. Welcome to the Mighty Pen! I'm happy to see you actively writing here, and hope that you find Pen a friendly and welcoming community to share your writing with. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts, as well as to roleplaying with you more in collaborative events. Once again, welcome!

The lead camera lens fades into a visual of a large white canvas and an adjacent sculpting table, which holds all types of medieval pottery tools and brushes stacked together in an uneven pile. Behind the table and further to the center of the room is a circular platform with a single wooden stool at its center, and beyond that is a shut door painted in a splattered pattern of vibrant colors. One gets the sense that the room is much wider than the image displays, but the news camera doesn’t budge from its position, opting for a single shot of the art space in a rather odd choice of visuals. “Greetingssss, and welcome to the latest Almost Report.” Wyvern’s voice echoes in the background, somewhere off of the screen. “*Ahem* GREETINGSSS, and welcome to the Almost Report.” A moment of silence passes before a string of almost dragonic curses rings out in the background. The foul language grows louder and louder in sync with the sound of footsteps approaching the camera until Wyvern finally moves into the lens’s line of sight, gritting his teeth at the lack of news camera crew and pacing back and forth. A brown “I <3 Almost Interns” smock is tied around the front of the lizard’s chest, giving the scales on his back air to breath, while his tail swings from a hole cut into some baggy paint-stained trousers. Wyvern seethes for a moment, then clenches his claws and faces the camera, striking as un-aggravated a grin as he can muster. “Greetingsss, it’s Almost Report time. Apologiesss for the limited ssscope of the visuals today, seems we’re a little short-ssstaffed.” Wyvern raises a claw to his horns and lets out a nervous laugh, then clears his throat and continues. “Hopefully Ssspinky and the gang will decide to drop in later, though their pay this week will be reduced regardless. Anyway, we’re - well I’m - reporting to you live from Alzorath’s art ssstudio to celebrate the pennite’s recent birthday. In honor of the occasion, we’ll be demonssstrating some live art… just as soon as our resident model arrives.” Wyvern sets an Almost Dragonic Brand Chimera Bone Chisel™ with a birthday ribbon wrapped around it on the sculpting table, then takes a seat and proceeds to start drooling over the thought of his favorite cheerline seated on the stool at the center of the platform. He stares up at the ceiling and lets out an excited hiss as he contemplates what she’ll drop for the role, aside from her pompoms. “*sigh* In current Pen newsss, pennites should be sure to check out the Summer Pen buffet currently available in the Conservatory for some good eats… it’sss on my list of things to raid, anyway.” Wyvern grabs a glob of clay and begins sifting it between his claws as he speaks, accidentally slicing it into miniature scraps. “There’sss also a planning booth for the buffet available in the Greenroom, which is also potentially raid-able depending on whether or not they stock any deserts.” Wyvern goes cross-eyed and grumbles for a moment as he fumbles with the numerous slices of clay in his claws, then sets them down on the sculpting table and snatches an orcish marital rolling pin from the tool pile. The overgrown lizard smashes the clay slices down into a larger more moldable form with the pin, then begins carving out some sleek figure measurements in preparation for the upcoming modeling session. “I’d also like to take thisss opportunity to welcome Degorram to the Almossst Report as CheerMynx’s official seeing eye minion!” Wyvern licks his lips as he rolls two large balls of claw with his scaly palms, placing them on the front of the figure outline and dispelling any notions of pompoms in the process. “Here’s hoping she’ll enjoy adapting herself to the sorts of interesting situationsss that tend to arise on the Report.” As if on cue, the handle of the painted door behind the modeling stage slowly begins to turn, immediately causing Wyvern to sit upright and stare onward with hopeful beady eyes. The reptilian reporter cranes his neck forward as the door slowly creaks open, crushing the clay in his claws and making confetti out of it as his excitement goes into overdrive. But even with all of his anticipation, nothing can prepare the lizard for the sight before his eyes… “Dis is da modelin' gig, right?” Wyvern goes green and falls over in his chair as the fat male goblin model at the center of the stage begins taking off his shirt, revealing his flabby wart-covered chest...

Jacobson frowns as he turns his head from the dominion crash site, to the stick on the ground, to the frowning Grimmael. "Is this stick your idea of some sort of twisted joke?" Jacobson stares at Grimmael with his steely eyes and points at the stick. He takes out a notepad and a pure silver quill and begins writing something down. "I was under the impression that the Mighty Pen was a community of friendly etiquette, or at least that's how the tomes of Akasha detailed it. Anyway, I'm afraid that your institution will have to pay for the damages done to my friend's armor, as well as the time it may have cost us in completing our mission. I'll need you to sign here." Grimmael tilts his neck crookedly and frowns at the piece of paper, then grimaces as a waiter calls from the end of the table. "Grimmael, what are you doing?! There's half a table left to be salted!" Grimmael jerks his head and raises a hand to respond, but is cut short as Jacobson lifts the sheet to his face again. "I'll need you to sign this immediately, lest you want the Mighty Pen to be placed in the Library of Akasha's list of dishonorable institutions." "Eh uhh, err..." Grimmael takes the sheet. "I'll uhhh, yeah... you can sit, and uhh. There'll be other, err, pennites. Comin, I mean uhhh..."

The platter of spiced wildahen and its accompanying bowl of Bruteweisered punch are aligned on the long buffet table that rests against the far wall of the Cabaret Room. The elegant look of the dish compliments the wiggly cabbage safe salad and the giant pot of ogre stone soup that sit next to it, and the combined smells of the wildahen and the long rack of BBQ gorgon nearby waft through the Pen's many halls and quarters. Grimmael hobbles along the beautiful Summer buffet, brushing its many items with a feather duster that seems to let off salt every time its shaken. The faithful servant adjusts his bow tie to a more crooked position as another waiter sets down a plate of steaming news rat meatballs, and groans as he observes the excessive number of dishes that still need salting. He watches the other waiter depart back into the Pen's kitchen, then reaches with his duster to salt a chocolate casserole. His work is interrupted, however, as a loud knocking sound echoes from the front door of the Cabaret. Grimmael grimaces, wondering which pennite could have arrived so early before slowly hobbling his way over to the door to answer it. "Yeeeeeesssssssss?" Grimmael blinks and steps back as three unfamiliar figures walk into the room. The first figure is a regal man of about 40 years of age, dressed in fancy plated armors of purple and gold with intricate designs that tell tales of the legends of old. A billowing purple cape flows behind him, and his head of long hair is adorned with a jeweled helmet-crown of sorts that circles his head and extends all the way down to his goatee. The other two figures that accompany him are large dominions, all muscle and steel, their broad angel wings spread wide and their faces invisible under their adamantium helmet visors. Grimmael stares at the visitors blankly. "Er. Can I help you...?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact you can." The regal man shakes Grimmael's hand while the dominions remain silent under their visors. "I am Jacobson Avalontenium, of the Akashan Library's Order of Security. Here is my badge of authenticity." Jacobson extends a highly polished platinum badge with jewel encrusted edges, which Grimmael nervously dusts with his feather duster before nodding. "We are here on official business, and do not wish to take up much of your time. We have come in the name of the mythical Library of Akasha, that which has granted us wisdom and the all-seeing eye of knowledge, in search of one Wyvern Q. Almostdragon." Grimmael slowly tilts one of his brows up and grunts. He glances back over at the table, groaning at all of the dishes that still need salting. "W-Wyvern...?" "Yes, Wyvern Q. Almostdragon. He is accused of defaming the name of the Akashan Library, through false advertising, mockery, and identity theft. The sentence for these combined crimes against the Library of Akasha is banishment to the third circle of Hell." Jacobson stares at Grimmael with steely eyes. "Would you be so kind as to take us to him?" "Errr. Wyvern eh? Wyvern... er, just a moment." Grimmael jerks his head back and raises a crooked hand to his mouth. "OZY! ZOOOOOOL?! PEN OFFICIALS! Somebody to seeeee yyyoooouuu."

"Thissss?" Wyvern raises a claw to his gold paint-stained jacket and sticks his snout up haughtily. "Why, this is only the finest line of hiss hop jacket, err, yo. Forreals. It's got a unique hand-designed flourish that originates from this one time when I tried to steal a really big vat of gold paint..." Wyvern stretches his wings and grabs the edges of his jacket, posing with it in retro hiss hop style as his tail swing back and forth from one of the many holes in his jeans. Wyvern clears his throat and stops posing when he notices that Degorram has a hand lifted to her forehead, then coughs a bit deliberatly and extends a claw. "Anyway, it'ssss agreed then Dego." Wyvern sneers as he shakes the shapeshifter's hand. "And you shouldn't have to worry much about wearing skimpy garbs, since you shouldn't be much bigger than a breadbox most o'the time anyway! Though I warn ya, I may have to create a line of plush lil' Dego minion dolls to market... that's non-negotiable, by the way." Wyvern snickers and flaps his wings, then bows to Degorram and darts out of the room, dashing down the hall in the hopes of spying a little more CheerMynx before the night is out.

Wyvern slowly sways back and forth in CheerMynx's wake, bling-less and stereo-less, a dumb toothy smile plastered across his face and the cheerline's voucher cradled like a newborn kitten in his claws. He hisses a happy sigh as he presses the little paper to his scaly chest, letting his forked tongue roll out and not noticing the news box that reappears in the right-hand corner of the screen. Wyvern gibbers happily to himself as Lil' Spinky's distressed silver-toothed visage appears on the mini-screen. "Wyvern? Wyvmettic?! Are you there?!" Lil' Spinky reaches up with a webbed hand and taps the screen of the news box, causing a brief spurt of static. "Mayday! Mayday! The trickster sprites of Jechum's Forest! No sign of target cottage. I repeat, the trickster sprites - hello? Wyv, are you there?!" The news box goes back to static as Wyvern carefully creases the final fold on CheerMynx's voucher, tucking it neatly into the front pocket of his jeans. The overgrown lizard rolls his eyes to the ceiling and savors the sensation of having his favorite Almost Intern back on the Report, though the thought of what "applications" she might be filling out does trigger a nagging fear of rival news networks in his brain. He snaps a claw absent-mindedly, causing the news box to disappear again, and wanders over to the bed with the spinning rims. He leans back against its bumper-stickered edge, next to where CheerMynx had accidentally sat, and drools for a few seconds as he contemplates whether the cheerline's trousers had been designed to be tail-lifted or if they had just ended up looking that way. Wyvern's reverie is finally broken as G. Diddy's "Goblin Gotta Make That Money Again Part 2 (Remix)" begins playing from his discarded boombox in the background, causing him to throw up a claw and shift back into hiss hop hero mode. The lizard nods his head to the beat and grins over the thought of Degorram as CheerMynx's versatile sight minion, only to cringe as he calculates the additional costs in his head. He lifts himself to his feet and scratches his horn over the Dego-outfit price dilemma, tapping his tail on the ground and moving over to a counter with a pink heart-shaped notepad that had obviously been overlooked when it came to the hiss hop decor. Wyvern grabs a sheet from the pad and a bright purple quill, then thinks for a moment before scribbling: Yo yo, ballin G the Dego outfit show doe. Snick the rim for the Apar-oe, take it uppity don't drop'em dere doe. Hiff a five on dat sucka, dragon'it wit no swear yo. Any lil' macky rucka, always ad and blare show. No addy dragon'nick, don't even take'em dare blow. Freestyle, OFF THE TOP O' DA DOME! Wyvern slowly nods to himself as he reads back over the official policy, then picks up a bright red quill and decides to edit it for clarity. Degorram, hereby to be referred to as "Dego" for cuteness value on the Report, shall have a small budget for mini minion outfits UNDER A STRICT CONDITION. The 5% of the Report's funds that will go into the outfits must ONLY BE USED for Almost Dragonic Brand Apparel™. This may include: mini-billboards for specific Almost Dragonic Brand Products, outfits with ads for specific Almost Dragonic Brand Products, outfits that are actual Almost Dragonic Brand Products, or other variations of this ad policy. Should an outfit not be sported on a Report, or should the clause of this contract be broken, the 5% of profits for that Report will instantly go back into the Report's scheming fund. Wyvern grins over the policy and holds the heart-shaped page its written on up to the light to read, then hisses. "Now, to deliver this to Degorram. Ssspinky, would ya mind taking this down to Dego's quarters?" Wyvern pauses and turns, scratching his horns as he realizes the reliable troglyodyte is nowhere to be seen. "Spinky?"

Interesting imagery and collages of thought here, Death of Rats. :-) The Bertrce lines made me think of musical refrains (particularly "Bertice, Bertice Round Again"), while the "As should and shall be evermore" and "Rejoice" lines gave off a sort of religious undertone. The "I am gunslinger" line that kicked off the two "I am" stanzas also felt vaguely anime-ish, and seemed to connect with the shooting references of the second stanza. Should you ever choose to revise or expand this poem, I think my recommendation would be to place more of a focus on one of the subjects of the poem. The narrator/gunslinger, Bertice, and the stories are all interesting elements, but emphasizing one of the three without losing the others might give the poem a stronger direction. Anyway, still a very interesting read with some cool uses of structure and imagery. Thanks for sharing it, Grim Squeaker. :-)

The news cameras wobble back and forth as they focus in on CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, rattling to the loud synthesizer beat that pounds away in the background. The cheerline’s quarters seem to have gone through a good deal of cultural leeching for this report, with Almost Dragonic Brand Velcro Graffiti Advertisement Tags™ hanging from the walls and gang colored pompoms lining the shelves. A poster for the Ultramagnetically Attractive Masters of Sorcery hangs on the wall behind CheerMynx’s bed, which has been decked out to resemble some sort of big wheel SUV with spinning copper rims. The cameras hesitantly aim their focus at Wyvern, who sits on the edge of the car-bed wearing a tasteless gold paint stain jacket and torn tight leather jeans. The overgrown lizard cradles a giant boombox under his right wing, and raises a claw to adjust his gigantic black sunglasses and enormous “Almost Dragonic Inc” obsidian chain before turning to the cameras. “Greetingssss all you impressionable pennite youngsters, and welcome to YO! Almost Report Rapssss. I’m your hip jivin master of the ceremony, Wyvmettic, bringin you all the latessst hiss hop hits.” Wyvern throws up a claw sign as G. Diddy’s “Goblin Gotta Make That Money” begins blaring from his boombox speakers. “That’sss right, we’re puttin’ it down for the four elements of hiss hop this evening: geld, scantily clad women, celebrity status, and biting. Keepin it funky styyyyylin fresh for all you Almost Dragonic Brand Product consssumers out there.” Wyvern shifts himself off of CheerMynx’s bed, tottering a bit as the collective weights of the boombox and the obsidian chain barely manage to balance him out. The overgrown lizard nods to the cameras, then lumbers over to a set of Almost Dragonic Brand Used Shield Turntables™ resting on a girlish CheerMynx makeup table. Wyvern pulls up his tail stinger and places it on a record, then begins scratching up the vinyl with his claws… which shreds it and causes it to skip in only a matter of seconds. “Big upsss to fellow hiss hop celeb AshtonBlades, keepin’ it ultra-gangsta-street with the B-day flavah.” Wyvern throws up another claw sign as G. Diddy’s “Goblin Gotta Make That Money Again” begins bumping on his boombox. “And ssspeakin of B-days, the Almost Report’s got a special gift for bigshot illusionary celebrity Jechum. Worrrrd up, tell’em Lil’ Spinky!” Wyvern strikes a crooked B-boy pose as a news box appears in the upper right-hand corner of the screen. The box screeches with static for a moment, then tunes into the image of a troglyodyte with a microphone and a set of ridiculous silver clip on teeth. He waves a webbed hand to the screen and hollers: “Thanks Wyv! The Almost Dragonic Hiss Hop Home Makeover Team and I are wandering through Jechum’s Exotic Forest in search of the former Loremaster’s cottage as we speak...” Spinky raises a fist and lets out an enthusiastic cheer, then clears his throat and frowns. “But errr, we’re completely lost. Help!” The news box in the right-hand corner promptly reverts back to static. Wyvern lets out a nervous laugh and snaps one of his claws, causing the little box to vanish from the screen. He then attempts to strut back in the direction of the car-bed, which ends up being more of a hobble due to his heavy rock chain and boombox. The reptilian reporter starts beatboxing in an attempt to save street cred, his “beat” sounding something like a broken gas main in the middle of a snake pit. “*HISShissHISShisshissHISSHISShiss* and ya don’t ssstop.” Wyvern stops beatboxing on cue as his forked tongue gets tied up, and spits out some ash in the hopes of undoing the knot. “*Ahem* In further hip happenin newsss, Degorram has issued an official statement in resssponse to recent orange quill alert rumors. Ain’t no necromancers got rims like us, sonny G!” Wyvern throws up yet another claw sign as G. Diddy’s “Goblin Gotta Make That Money Again Part 2” begins banging from his speakers. He sets the boombox down on the edge of CheerMynx’s car-bed and flexes his wings to prepare for a bit of hiss hop dancing, casually tilting his head towards the cameras and lowering his shades. The shades proceed to slip from his snout and shatter on the floor, causing him to cringe. “And ssspeaking of Degorram, ssstay tuned for Hiss Hop Hotties. Or will it be CheerMynx this week…? Errr, not sure, at least I think there’ll be someone… maybe?” A worried expression falls over Wyvern’s face, destroying any vague semblance of cool he may have achieved over the course of the rest of the Report. The reptilian Elder grunts and hops downward in the hopes of demonstrating a few hiss hop styles to distract folks from his uncertain look. Unfortunately, the weight of his enormous chain and its impact with the ground give a whole new meaning to the term “breakdancing…”

Excellent concert review, troubled sleep! I'm sorry to hear that Thom York and co. didn't play more of their older material for you, but am glad that the show ended up being super fun for you and Paul anyway. It's cool that you got to hear "Everything in its Right Place" and "Paranoid Android" live, those are awesome tracks in my opinion (though I tend to like pretty much everything from "OK Computer" and "Kid A"). I haven't heard "In Rainbows," but wasn't that huge a fan of "Hail to the Thief" and will take your word for it that their most recent stuff isn't their best material to date. I've heard that the Liars are a pretty incredible rock band (that is, if this is the same Liars that put out "Drums Not Dead" the other year), but haven't really heard anything from them since it's not really my field... sorry to hear that you weren't too crazy about'em live. I think in general, large stadium events tend to detract from the atmosphere of the performances a bit. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for sharing this very detailed, thoughtful, and enjoyable review troubled sleep. :-) Good stuff.