Wyvern

The news camera lenses fuzz up as they adjust their focus through the waves of heat in front of them, focusing on what appears to be an exotic tropical beach complete with looming palm trees and sunlit dunes of coconut-covered sand. It takes only a few moments, however, to register that the palm trees are too static, the sand too pale, and the sunlight too artificial. The cameras begin pulling back to reveal a tropical beach backdrop set against a large sandbox, with the light provided by several glaring overheads and the heat generated through a purring heater. They pull back even further to get a fuller shot of the quarters, revealing a well-lit and well-furnished soft stone cave surrounding the various beach backdrops. The cameras pass by several bookshelves of ancient Arcana and a painting of a noble knight on horseback before spotting Wyvern, who hobbles in with a familiar tattered treasure map lifted to his snout. The overgrown lizard shuffles his way over to the sandbox, twisting his Bruteweiser cap-adorned booze bathing suit with his tail while the lights fall on the ridiculous white blotches of sun block that dot his otherwise bare scales. Wyvern crumples up his treasure map and tosses it to the side with a grumble, then adjusts the brown fishing hat hanging uselessly from one of his horns and plants his tail stinger in the sand. “Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almossst Report. Broadcasting to you live from Wyvageldamillionair Island, at the heart of the Great Geld Coast.” Wyvern pauses and frowns as he notices the positions of the news cameras, then hisses a sigh and seats himself on a geld-colored beach blanket. “… hosssted here at the long-abandoned living room of FrozenWombat’s luxurious Pen caves. Fortunately, despite the pennite’s nick, climate control has never been an issue around these parts.” Wyvern stretches his wings stiffly and slips on a pair of Almost Dragonic Brand Beach Bikini X-Ray Spex,™ losing his balance for a moment in the ensuing darkness before striking an unstable claws up and nodding to the cameras. “In current news, the Almost Report would like to take a moment to welcome back Mynx, CheerMynx and Patrick from their respective epic tripsss!” Wyvern lets out a hiss of longing as he stretches himself out over the beach blanket, letting the rays of artificial sunlight fall over his scales. “You folks should be sure to update usss pennites on all the details whenever you get a chance! Here’sss hoping that this miniature beach setting is appropriate for the occasion… I figure the firssst thing folks need after a long vacation is another long vacation, after all. Ssspeaking of which, Almost Dragonic Brand Wyvageldamillionair Island Luxury Resort Tickets™ are now available at a discounted price of 800 geld a pop. Almost Internsss get in free of charge, of course.” Wyvern places his claws under his head and relaxes for a short moment, smiling at the pleasant heat of the “Sun” before the sound of a crashing wave causes the lizard to choke and quickly scramble onto his feet. The reptilian reporter’s eye dart left and right before spotting a troglyodyte holding a phonograph and an “Ocean Sounds” record. “Hey, what’d I tell you about the Ocean?! No sssigns of water at this Resssort, period!” Wyvern growls at the troglyodyte, who mutters an apology and stops the record. The sound man proceeds to dig through a stash of vinyl before tossing on a “Laughing Beach Bunnies Frolicking in the Sand” record in its place. Wyvern shuts his eyes and listens for a moment, then lets his forked tongue roll loose and slowly nods. He lets his nerves calm for a few minutes before seating himself back in the sand. “The Almost Report would alssso like to quickly wish Gnarlitch a belated happy birthday, and would like to welcome him to the Wyvageldamillionair Resort for a ssspecial discount price of 798 geld in honor of the occasion.” Wyvern reaches off-screen and grabs a tall drink with a pink umbrella sticking from it, then tilts his shades down and grins to the cameras. “There're other Pen vacation spotsss, I'm sure. But jussst remember: if it ain’t Wyvageldamillionair Island, it ain’t the lasssst Resssort!” With that, Wyvern breathes a hiss of relaxation and lays back on his beach blanket in the hopes of catching a little scale tan and maybe a bit of promiscuous striped fur later. He doesn’t notice the barrel of live crabs labeled “Special Effekts” that the news crew proceeds to empty into the sandbox…

Nice descriptions, Ozymandias... this wouldn't happen to have been for a contest based on describing a monster/supervillain would it? ^_- I really like the concept behind this character, as the whole element of abandoned and dying animals bonding with Timmy is definitely original and interesting. The physical details are also really cool, with the gruesome decaying chimeric flesh standing out to me in particular. I didn't quite follow the bit about the neglected Easter bunnies and the way they bonded with Timmy, possibly because of typos... what does the "rea" in the third sentence of that paragraph refer to? Thanks for deciding to share this here, Ozy. :-) Glad the writing didn't go to waste.

Wyvern stammers and swoons over CheerMynx's long lost affection, clutching at thin air with his Not Quite Effective Death Grip as he watches the Almost Intern wander off. He stares intently at the gyrating motions of the cheerline's tail end as she exits, then wipes the dreamy look from his beady eyes and raises his claws to his cheeks in an attempt to hide the deeper shade of red that's passed over them. Wyvern clears his throat and shifts his tail to the side to leave more room for the kitten minions to march on through, hissing sweet nothings to the air. "Th-th-the triumphant return of CheerMynx, ladiessss and gentlemen!" Wyvern strikes a toothy grin and turns with rejuvanated enthusiasm, his scaly arms still locked into Death Grip position and beginning to cramp. "We should be back to our regularly ssscheduled brand of questionable programming next week. Y'know, as oppossssed to the not-so-regularly scheduled even-more-questionable brand of programming we've had for the last couple Reportsss." Wyvern hisses giddily over CheerMynx's return and jitters at the thought of her actually having something for him in her baggage. He flaps his wings with glee and claps his claws together until he notices that the line of kitten luggage carriers is still going strong, with the continous flow of expensively tagged crates spelling out "spending galore." "Errr, unfortunately, it ssseems that our efforts to boost the Almost Intern Fashion Fund for CheerMynx's return may have been in vain." Wyvern strikes a worried look as he gazes out the front door of CheerMynx's quarters and finds kitten minions carrying heavy loads for as far as the eye can see. "Heck, I hope the current Fashion Fund isn't in jeopardy... how many bags ARE there???" Wyvern lifts his claws to his snout to brood for a moment, then snaps a claw and sets about barking orders again. "You, go calculate the Report sssavings! You, fetch some warm milk saucers for the kitten transports! You, book me a flight on whatever airline CheerMynx got that outfit from! You, stop rolling! Cut!"

Very good poem, Snypiuer. :-) The contemplations about the lives and emotions of strangers were definitely heartfelt, and the manner that the expressions of the strangers were brought back to the narrator's own face at the end of the poem was very effective. I also like the repetition of "home" in the second and third stanzas, and really sympathize with the emotions conveyed throughout the piece. There've certainly been times when I've wondered whether there's anything I could do to ease the sadness of strangers, and have contemplated the self-imposed social barriers that seem to prevent me from doing so. Very well done, Snypiuer. Thanks for sharing this. :-)

The news camera visuals fade into a shot of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which has been minimally decorated with leftover “10% Off Discount” confetti and a few sparkly kitten-shaped decorations, but which still feels lonely and somewhat barren in the cheerline’s absence. The cameras pause for a moment at a poster for a boy band labeled “The Howdy Partners,” which features three barbarians posing in tight-fitted western attire with black leather cowboy hats. The cameras zoom in on the “Made in North Zeamire” tags that dangle from the hats in the pic before turning towards CheerMynx’s bedside as scheduled, focusing on… no one. The cameras linger on the bright violet bed sheets for several minutes before turning back to the poster, at which point the worried voices of troglyodytes begin murmering in the background. The worried tones turns to panic as the cameras slowly turn back to the bedside only to find it empty again, and two troglyodye news people race across the screen shouting to one another. After several minutes of little activity, a sign is placed in front of the central camera lens that reads: Da Almost Report Will Be Back in 5 10 25 Minutes. Stay Toons. After what feels like an hour of zero activity on the Report front, the sign is finally lifted from the cameras to reveal two troglyodytes tugging off the last bits of Wyvern’s straightjacket. The overgrown lizard hisses a long sigh and raises a claw to the cameras, tossing the brochure for Doctor Evil’s “Asylum for the Un-Criminally Sane” to the side and rolling his beady eyes to the ceiling. “Heya, and welcome to another Almossst Report, I ssss’pose.” Wyvern snorts as a troglyodyte hands him a packet of pages labeled “Skript.” He hisses something under his breath and tosses the packet over his shoulder with a flick of his wings. “I guesss we’re sssticking with the Report regardless of the Almost Intern void, or sssso they tell me. *Ahem* So uhhh, ssstay tuned for plenty o’ interesting Report material, including an ad campaign for Almost Dragonic Brand Troglyodyte Wards,™ which have just begun to go into development.” Wyvern glares at the troglyodytes that pulled him out of the Asylum, then turns to another troglyodyte who’s holding a cue card and pointing at it urgently. The overgrown lizard shrugs and scratches his chin as he considers what to report on the spot, snapping a claw as one event comes to mind. “As long as we’re sssticking with the Report thisss week, I’d like to extend my best belated birthday wishes to Stick aka The Big Pointy One.” Wyvern snatches a bag of Almost Dragonic Brand Products from the floor and begins sorting through it in a hasty manner. “Remind me to sssend him some Almost Dragonic Brand Stick Figurine Toothpicks™ in the near future, along with some Almost Dragonic Brand Adoptable Rubber Pet Portraits™ for Toilet Duck to snack on. Hope ya had a great one, Stick.” Wyvern once again ignores the frantic signals of the troglyodyte with the cue cards, drooping his wings and raising a claw to his head as a long and awkward moment of silence passes. The overgrown lizard stretches and yawns, then reaches for the “Asylum for the Un-Criminally Sane” brochure that he’d tossed on the bed and slowly scoops it up. He takes his time as he re-opens the brochure and flips through it, not even bothering to make eye contact with the cameras. “Oh, and in other Pen birthday newsss, the Almost Report would also like to extend its belated birthday wishesss to Psimon, who also celebrated recently.” Wyvern glances over the different colors of wall padding available at Doctor Evil’s quarters. “I wonder what he’d think of thisss psychic ward, might be a nice recreational resort for him. Hope it went well, Psssimon.” Wyvern snaps the brochure shut and falls back onto the bed, swinging his tail aimlessly and raising his claw to his head again as he stares up at the ceiling. “That’ssss about it I think? Sssay, what’ssss with all the birthdays lately? What day’sss it anyway?” A moment of silence passes before another news troglyodyte scurries into the range of the camera lens, carrying a calender in one of his webbed hands. The troglyodyte raises the calender and points at it, then whispers something into Wyvern’s ear and turns to wander off. “WHAT?” Wyvern bolts upright on CheerMynx’s bed, his eyes suddenly wide and his face alert. The troglyodyte dashes off in double-time as Wyvern scrambles off of the bed and begins brushing the scales back on his head and cleaning the dust off his pants with his tail. “But that means – you mean that CheerMynxie is gonna - and we’re not – but how’d I not-???” Wyvern slams his tail down and begins barking orders. “You, go get refreshments! You, we’re gonna need more sssparklers! You, Bruteweiser, pronto!” Wyvern paces left and right, then snatches a wide piece of paper and begins scrawling “Welcome Back CheerMynx!” in his messy almost dragonic hand. “You, fetch me the makeup crew! You, book the forklifts! You, we’re gonna want the Almost Report medley when she entersss! You, keep’em rolling, you getting all this?!”

Like Patrick, I managed to squeeze my way into a showing of the uber-sold out "Dark Knight" this evening. I thought it was a good, solid movie with some memorable characters and scenarios... not utterly mindblowing, but one of the more intelligent and dramatic super hero movies to date. The storyline was loaded with twists and, though I felt it was a little too fast-paced at times, it remained interesting and engaging throughout the film. I have somewhat of a problem with Christian Bale as Batman, as the way he deepens his voice when in costume sounds forced to me and I don't think he quite has the look for it. I can't complain, though, since the characters were definitely a strong point of this film... Aaron Eckhart delivers a pretty great performance as Harvey Dent, and Maggie Gyllenhall really outshines Katie Holmes from "Batman Begins" as Dent's love interest and Bruce Wayne's old friend/crush. And then there's Ledger. I must say, I was skeptical when I heard Christopher Nolan cast him as the Joker, but like Patrick I think he nailed the role and really delivered the villain I envisioned when reading the comics. What's great is that, aside from Ledger's mannerisms (a perfect mixture of comical and menacing), the plans that the Joker hatches in the film are insane yet ingenious simultaneously... exactly the types of plans I could see the Joker executing. With all due respect to Jack Nicholson, who did a very nice job with the Joker in Tim Burton's original "Batman," I think Heath's version is more along the lines of what I imagined the Joker being like. Good film overall. Not essential viewing, but recommended.

Nice little poem, cryptomancer. :-) I like the metaphorical feel of the poem and how, while the natural images are fine by themselves, they also seem to carry a broader meaning. I once again felt the religious undertones present in a great deal of your poetry here, and it resonates well in this piece. The one line of the poem that I had a bit of trouble visualizing was the last line, as the "soft sip" of that line didn't provide an image like the other lines... its an interesting shift there, though I'm left curious as to what the "soft sip from heaven's well" looks like in terms of weather since the language of that poetic description is very nice! Thanks for sharing this here crypt, cool stuff. :-)

A pretty cool story so far, Sir Walnut. :-) My favorite scenes so far are probably the introduction of Sielginde when she tosses the head on the table and lifts her helm, and the scene where Rupert drinks till morning and Sielginde finds him still at the bar. I noticed their latest bounty target is Reginald C. Walnut, so best of luck to ya... I heard this Reginald guy's less evil than Sulfameth and the Wyvern Corp though. ;-D I'm curious as to what will happen next in the story, though I think that adding a greater conflict to Sielginde's life might make things more intriguing for the reader. Also, you might consider lingering on the characters and their interactions a little more often to add a few more details to the mix, since what's been written of the story so far seems very focussed on telling the plot. Anyway, please carry on... I'll be reading the continuation.

Last night, I went and saw Flobots, Doomtree, and Busdriver live at Slim's in San Francisco. I was very excited when I saw the lineup for this show since Doomtree is pretty much my favorite hip hop group at the moment, and I don't believe they've all toured together outside of Minnesota until now. I'm pretty indifferent towards the Flobots, but Doomtree was enough to get me to order my ticket in advance and my anticipation for the show increased when the ever-reliable Busdriver was added to the bill. Despite my extra high expectations, I must say that the acts that I came to see delivered in full. I wanted to make sure to get in the front row for this show, so I arrived at the venue an hour before the show was scheduled to start only to find that a line had already formed outside the door! Maybe it's because Slim's is an all-ages venue or maybe it's just because Flobots and Doomtree have more committed fanbases than I realized, but I was pretty surprised at the large turnout of people so early in the evening. Fortunately, I still managed to get in the front row despite the crowd. Another surprise to me was that the show actually started on time at 8 PM sharp, which is a real rarity for hip hop shows. Busdriver was the first to kick things off, and he delivered an insane experiment-fueled set of abstract club bangers that ranks up there as one of the best sets I've seen from him. He came out wearing a party hat and Hawaiin lai, and proceeded to fool around with a microphone foot pedal and a sampler/beat machine while crooning some sort of bizarre distorted pop medley. He then went crazy on stage in typical Busdriver fashion, rapping in his twistedly comic voice at lightening fast speeds and manipulating his vocals and beats in all sorts of interesting manners. He performed a number of tracks with beats that worked very well in a live setting, such as "Recreational Paranoia" and "Casting Agents and Cowgirls," and improvised both in terms of his raps and in terms of the way the beats were structured with his beat machine. One highlight moment of his set was when he performed the track "Something Bells" and the talented rapper 2Mex came out as a surprise guest and began kicking verses with him! 2Mex stuck around for the rest of Busdriver's set as a hypeman and kicked a couple of his own verses, including a very impressive acapella that demonstrated his style well to the masses. One image that remains in my mind from the set is when Busdriver transformed the beats to one of his tracks into a ultra-repetitive techno-esque 2-second sample beat and began rapping at dangerous velocities while 2Mex did jumping jacks on stage as if it were a workout video. Really great set. I think a lot of people who came out to see the Flobots didn't know what to think of the madman on stage and Busdriver didn't get as much love from the crowd as he should have, but I was really into it and was very thoroughly entertained and impressed. Busdriver's the man. Once Busdriver finished his set, Doomtree came out and blew people's wigs back with an intense and energetic set of hype anthem-style tracks. P.O.S, Dessa, Cecil Otter, Mictlan, and Sims were all present on stage to rap together, with their resident DJ Turbo Nemesis on the cuts and their super-producer Lazerbeak chilling somewhere in the background. Doomtree is a rare example of a rap group where it's difficult to choose a standout member since all of the MCs are extremely talented and have their own original styles to add to the collective melting pot. P.O.S was perhaps the best known of the performers to the crowd since his albums on Rhymesayers have gotten much better distribution than the other members of the crew, but the audience didn't seem to be prepared for the high-caliber performances of the other Doomtree MCs and got very amped and excited when Doomtree started kicking their tracks as a collective. Their entire set was an extremely energetic rap performance of the highest caliber, the sort of stuff that's very difficult to stand still and not get excited over. Some highlights included the Sims & P.O.S collabo "Accident" which works perfectly in a club setting with its bouncy beat and very hype hook, the Mictlan solo track "Game Over" which had people screaming along in a major way, the crew track "Flex" that showed how well the MCs measured up to each other, and the list goes on... Cecil Otter was a bit of a lone wolf during the set and kicked mainly solo tracks, but the calmer poetic nature of his songs offered a refreshing break from the hypeness of the rest of the set and his lyrics caught people's attention. One thing I was very happy about was how much love Dessa's tracks got from the crowd - she's truly talented and criminally overlooked in my opinion, and the audience seemed to feel the same way as she rarely managed to get through a verse without an eruption of cheering from the crowd! Bottom line: Doomtree lived up to expectations. Awesome set. I was pretty worn out by the end of Doomtree's set, but stuck around the front for the Flobots just to see what all the hype surrounding these guys is about. They had a pretty elaborate live set-up, with a drummer, a bassist, a guitarist, and a violinist all backing them up and performing the tracks live... however, somehow I didn't find them nearly as dynamic or exciting as the evening's other two acts. To the group's credit, they seemed to really know how to perform their tracks live, with the live musicians backing the MCs well. The funk they provided seemed pretty standard to me, though, and was not something I haven't seen other live band hip hop acts cover before. The group also broke out some very nice dance moves and some interesting props, but on the flip side the lead MC of the group seemed painfully average to me. My favorite member of the group was probably the violinist, who really got down on occasion and definitely seemed to know what she was doing... she even sang during one track and was quite good at it. But when all's said and done, the Flobots ended up sort of boring me... after about 7 or 8 of their songs I moved away from the front row and went to chat with some of the Doomtree dudes a bit. ... which resulted in the following pic: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/elitwack/DSC02158.jpg Left to right: P.O.S, Dessa, Wyvern, Sims. And here's some video footage I took: Busdriver performing a new track live: Doomtree performing "Flex" live: Doomtree performing "Kid Gloves" live: Great show! Even the Flobots, while not my favorite, were a nice little addition to the performances.

The Almost Report cameras focus in on the expensive black fabric of an evil genius chair, which would look perfectly evil were it not for the broken base and crooked tilt of the lounging device. The cameras pull back a bit as Wyvern steps onto the scene with a single claw lifted to the corner of his mouth, his supposed black world dominator vest looking rather uncouth in light of the extended Almost Intern absence. The reptilian reporter salutes the cameras and accidentally swaps the evil genius chair with the length of his tail, causing it to tilt to the point of completely falling off of its base. Wyvern stares at the wreck of evil furniture with a worried expression, then clears his throat and turns towards the cameras with a wide spread of his arms. The cameras pan back to reveal the large mass of screens and computer terminals that make up the central dome of Doctor Evil’s EAGLE (Evil Above Ground Lair of Evil). Wyvern takes a deep breath and lets out his best evil laugh, which ends in a hissy fit of coughing and sniffling. “*Ahem* Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report’sss one time only sale on Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing Systems.™” Wyvern motions a claw towards a large screen of the EAGLE lair that appears to display the exact locations of Pen members via voice activation, then snorts and shakes his head. “Who needsss to invest in complicated multi-million geld pennite pinpointing systems when you can have it all done for a mere 80 geld by Almost Dragonic Inc?! Almost Dragonic Brand Pinpointing Systems™ are equipped with only the finessst in leftover porcupine pins, and tend to point folksss in the general direction of pennites. Voodoo magic not included or recommended. Call 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICPAYPERPIN today, and have your geld transssaction amount ready. That’s 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICPAYPERPIN – with pinsss like these, what’s the point!” Wyvern turns to a billboard to demonstrate the Almost Dragonic pinpointing procedure, only to pause as a news troglyodyte approaches him with a sheet of paper in hand. Wyvern snatches up the note and skims over it, then pulls a curvy porcupine pin from his vest and tacks the note onto the board before turning back towards the cameras. “Ssso, some of you may be wondering why in addition to revisiting only old pennite quarters in CheerMynx’s absence, we’ve also been focusing on ad campaignsss for these last few Reports.” Wyvern tacks up a sign for Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing Systems™ with two porcupine pins and points at it to accentuate his point. “Well, we’ve been trying to raissse geld to bump the Almost Intern Fashion Fund up a bit for CheerMynx’sss triumphant return… that is, I mean, if she hasssn’t already landed some better higher-paying gig out where she’s traveling or anything.” Wyvern hisses a little sigh as he wonders if CheerMynx will remember him by the time she returns from her vacation frolics, self-evaluating his spot in her list of popular individuals and drooping his scales at the thought of being excluded from those ranks. The reptilian reporter glances in the direction of Doctor Evil’s Asylum for the Un-Criminally Sane and twists his snout as he contemplates checking himself in until the cheerline’s return. “Ssspeaking of travel and raising geld, there’s a chance that yours truly may be a bit absent during the period of 7/19/08-8/2/08, though I’ll hopefully ssstill have means of commuting back over to the Keep for Reports and other financial endeavorsss.” Wyvern twiddles his claws and hisses nervously. “If a sssituation arissses where I can’t commute, jussst expect an Almost Dragonic Brand Product ad block in place of the ssscheduled news reportsss.” Wyvern wipes the slightly concerned expression from his face and sneers at the cameras, turning back to the billboard and reaching into his pouch for something. “But anyway, back to the more important topic at hand… Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing Systems™ function on only the finesssst in random guessing-based technology.” Wyvern pulls out a photo of a familiar-looking Kender and shuts his eyes as he tacks it to a random part of the billboard, which happens to be labeled “over thataway.” He opens his eyes and gestures at the Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing System™ with a grin, only to pause as he notices the figure in the photo. “Oh, and the Almost Report would also like to take a moment to wish Tasslehof a happy belated birthday. Hope ya had a nice celebration on your home planet lassst week, Tass.” With that, Wyvern huddles next to the base of the billboard and grumbles something about no more Almost Intern subs, rubbing the bump on his scaly head from last week’s Kikuyu incident…

I really like this freewrite, Salinye. :-) The metaphorical nature of it is cool, and the way that you represent the Pen in it is meaningful to me... there can never be enough pieces written in honor of this community. I have to say, your dry muse caught me a little off guard, mostly because I think in this metaphorical scenario my muse would probably look something like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, emerging all soaking wet and dribbling RP stories of the past. ;-D Somehow, the ending of your piece reminded me of a quote that goes "The moment you feel satisfied with your writing, you should cease being a writer," wish I could remember who said that. Anyway, I think chasing after your muse is only right. I mean, how else are you going to keep her in shape? :-) Cleverly written Salinye, I enjoyed reading this. :-) Thanks for sharing it, and my apologies for the rather belated response.

Nice poem, Silver Wind. :-) I really like the way that the images of the poem seem to point towards a greater purpose and fate for the woman raised in the sun, with the descriptions of the sun watching "with a steady gaze/ that grazed upon the skin" and never smiling "without a purpose" standing out to me in particular. One line I wasn't entirely certain about was "a day that is never vanquished," which felt a bit more general than the other images pointing towards fate... though then again, it does seem to offer a certain aura of hope to the woman described. Anyway, thanks for the read Silver Wind. :-)

"Alright you!" Wyvern wiped the rain from his scales and pointed an accusatory claw at the Necromancer. "I've had jussst about enough of you bullying my friends, not to mention waging war on my favorite exploitable Keep. I think it'sss time for you to face Almost Dragonic Brand Justice." The Necromancer stared at Wyvern with a somewhat amused look as the overgrown lizard stood up straight and spread his wings in as menacing a pose as he could muster... which probably verged on a kitten minion level of menacing. "You jussst had to get my scales wet didn't you? I HATE getting my scalesss wet." Wyvern hissed at the Necromancer and pulled out his patented Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball Boomerang Slingshot,™ raising it to the sky in a semi-heroic barbarian pose. "Well, it'sss all over for you now. No chance to turn back or sssurrender once this baby is fired." Wyvern gripped the Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball Boomerang Slingshot™ tightly as the Vampiric Batting Ball fluttered energetically within it. He gritted his teeth and flailed about for a moment, pulled against his will by the Batting Ball and narrowly dodging several zombie lunge attacks as he stumbled through the clearing. The overgrown finally managed to harness the Slingshot long enough to pull a few turns and let the net open, tossing the Vampiric Batting Ball in the Necromancer's direction. The Necromancer stood still and raised a brow in confusion as the Vampiric Batting Ball soared in his direction, wondering if this was some sort of elaborate joke intended to break his concentration or if the almost dragonic member of the party was really serious. He shrugged and swatted the Vampiric Batting Ball back in Wyvern's direction with a light flick of his hand, smirking and laughing as the Ball connected with Wyvern's head and immediately knocked the overgrown lizard unconscious. "Is that pitiful attempt the best you can do?" The Necromancer yawned and turned his attentions back to the more serious threats of the party. "I've faced goblin scum with stronger weapons." The Vampiric Batting Ball ricocheted off of Wyvern's head and hit a strong tree branch, rebounding off of it and bouncing around several treetops before zooming back in the random direction of the battle field. The Ball knocked into one zombie, only to bounce and decapitate another zombie, only to begin ricocheting between zombie minions like a high-speed game of Pong, offing the Necromancer's minions at an alarming rate. "What manner of trickery is this?!" The Necromancer gritted his teeth as he watched the zombies fall at a faster rate than he'd deemed possible, preparing a new spell in the hopes of summoning backup...

Nice poem, whynotsin. :-) The bleak picture you paint of the world is an interesting (and in some cases, true) one, and I like the abstract manner that you depict the various evils and injustices that people face. My favorite part of the poem was probably lines 3-8, as the image of the shadow puppets in the cave was well done and I also found the phrasing of those lines very interesting. One thing I should note is that I think I liked the lines of the poem addressed to a second person or a universal "we" more than the lines focussing on the first person, as I felt there were points where the "my"s and "I"s felt a little overbearing. Also, while the ending of the poem was promising, the last line sorta felt like the beginning of a new stanza to me and you might consider exploring that part of the poem more should you revise it. Anyway, thanks for sharing this here whynotsin. And a belated "welcome back" to you, it's nice to see you around. :-)

Ah, nature. The beautiful sound of rustling rakes as they scrape their way across the freshly cut forest clearing, the sight of the morning sunlight dancing on spots of dug up soil through the dirt-lifting cranes, the feel of the bluejays tail feathers as they brush against the camera lens, the- Almost Report Episode 72, “Goes ‘Au Natural’ Yet Again”, Take- “Forget about it, we don’t have time fer another take.” Wyvern grumbles and tugs on the straps of a rather dingy set of farmer overalls until they hang from the tips of his wings. He digs into his pockets and pulls out an oversized grain of wheat, placing it strategically between his teeth. “Jussst shoo off the bluejay, we gotta get on with this ad. Let’sss roll’em in five, four, three, two…” Wyvern turns to the cameras just as the bluejay flutters off, striking a wide toothy grin and pulling at his overall straps with his claws. The cameras pull back a bit to reveal the clearing outside of Tanuchan’s forest cottage, which seems to have several large piles of slimy green mud scattered around it. Wyvern digs into one of his front pockets and pulls out an extra-large clothespin, which he pins over his snout before hissing: “Howdy, and welcome to the Almost Report’ssss 24 hour blow-out sale on Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp!™” Wyvern gestures towards one of the piles of green muck and suppresses a grimace. He steps back as the muck seems to lunge a few inches in his direction, then clears his throat. “We’ve got ssso much Undead Fertilizer Pulp on our claws that there’s a special three-for-one deal goin on! Buy any one pile for 60 geld and get an additional two pilesss at no additional charge. We got ghoul pulp, zombie pulp, cannibal pulp, flesh-eating bacteria pulp, and good ol’ fashioned corpsy pulp. Perfect for planting dead wood, litch petunia, and carnivorous wildflower. Invessst now, and you’ll have a chance of receiving ssselect batches poked at by Venefyxatu and treaded on by Minta Rose! Quick! Call 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICDIRTYPRODUCTS before thisss offer decomposes today.” Wyvern pauses as a troglyodyte news person steps up to him and points at a sheet of paper. Wyvern scratches his horns as he reads over the note, then nods and turns to the cameras. “Now, sssome of you may be wondering why the Almost Report has been revisiting old Pen quarters recently, rather than tackling new pennite quarters as has generally been the tradition on our program.” Wyvern tears up the note and sprinkles it into a pile of flesh-eating bacteria pulp, causing it to bubble. “Well, the anssswer is simple: we don’t want to exclude CheerMynx from any of our explorations of fresh pennite lodgingsss, and figure that it’sss better to be fashionably late than unfashionably on time. And besidesss, Tanuchan was so receptive of the Report lassst time we were here that we figured this’d be the perfect ssspot to plug Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp™ at!” Wyvern points to a pile of pulp again with a grin, only to pause as he notices something laying on the grass next to one of the lumps of ghoulish fertilizer. The overgrown lizard kneels down and picks up a golden brown leaf from the otherwise fertile field, sniffing at it and pulling a lock of orange fur from it before identifying it as a remnant from one of CheerMynx’s outfits. He lets his tongue roll loose as he stuffs the artifact into his pocket before continuing: “In other promotional news, the Almost Report would like to take a moment to congratulate Hjolnai, Ciri, and Sir Walnut Reginold Troubled Clamsap on their recent Pen promotionsss!” Wyvern claps his claws and lets out a cheerful hiss as two troglyodytes pass by tossing “10% off discount” confetti. “The three of y’all can come on down and claim yerssselves some Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp™ complimentsss of the house! A 10 geld surtax will ssstill apply, of course.” Wyvern rubs his claws together and gestures to the cameras, wandering past two slimy piles of pulp and arriving at what appears to be a tall stack of prosthetic limbs and arms. The overgrown lizard taps the stack with one of his claws to make sure that it’s sturdy, then flashes an extra-wide grin at the cameras, snipping the grain of wheat with his razor sharp teeth in the process. “Thossse who can’t stand the smell of Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp™ should also be sure to try this Almost Dragonic Brand Chopped Prosthetic Fertilizer Pulp,™ perfect for planting plastic daisies and sssuch. At only 100 geld a pile, you can’t lose.” Wyvern tugs one of the prosthetic arms loose from the pile, only to stare at the ground as a single crow feather falls from the heap and lands in the grass of the clearing. Wyvern scratches his chin for a moment, then snaps a claw. “Oh, and a happy belated to Nyyark, who’ll receive a 25% dissscount on said Prosthetic Fertilizer Pulp in honor of the occasion.” Wyvern sneers and strikes a claws up, then mumbles something about possible Almost Intern subbing and stares off into the distance in the hopes of spotting a willing candidate…

So, I recently had the opportunity to hang out with a certain awesome Mynx-ish pennite with a really cool NZ cowboy hat in San Francisco, and she was kind enough to give me two bags of odd New Zealand exclusive candy to try: Jaffas and Pineapple Lumps. After a few taste tests and experiments, here are my thoughts: Jaffas - These orange-coated chocolate candies resemble Maltezers in shape and size, with an orange hue that might also suggest a Supermarket gumball of some sort. In terms of texture and taste, I would say that they're closer to Smarties (the Euro version of M&Ms, for those that don't know), with a fairly thick shell and some solid chocolate in the middle. A bit deceiving since the cover of the package says "chocolate filled" and shows what appears to be creamy liquid chocolate, but it's not the first moment of that sort of advertising and the chocolate in the middle tastes quite good. One thing that I should definitely say in favor of Jaffas is that the orange flavor of their shells is more of a citrus orange flavor than many American orange candies, and is quite distinctive. My initial thoughts on the candy were "too much shell, not enough chocolate" (also my verdict on Smarties for the record, have always preferred M&Ms), but they've grown on me with repeated tastes and I could definitely see myself occasionally buying a bag of these and downing them. You gotta love the name of this candy as well... it seems almost impossible to say it without a New Zealand accent. "Jaffas." ;-D Pineapple Lumps - This candy has a rather unfortunate name in my opinion, since eating "Pineapple Lumps" sounds about as appealing as buying yourself some "Vegan Trail Mix" to fulfill your sugar quota. Anyway, apparently Pineapple Lumps are another candy "unique to New Zealand like Jandals, Paviova and the Haka" (according to the back of the wrapper), and they're also advertised as having "Real Fruit Juice" in them on the front which somehow led me to believe that they'd be juicy in some way. In actuality, Pineapple Lumps consist of a very chewy piece of tough pineapple candy with a thin layer of chocolate coating it, which actually tastes pretty good put together. One problem I have with Pineapple Lumps though is the texture of the pineapple candy, which starts off super tough and chewy and then kind of feels like chewing old gum for a bit before finishing off sweet with its pineapple flavor. The chewing gum phase of the candy is not my favorite, though I've never been that huge a fun of extremely chewy candies in general. Another thing I should note about Pineapple Lumps is that on the back of the wrapper, it recommends that you try refrigerating them, and it turns out that the texture of the candy changes quite drastically when refrigerated. Post-fridge Pineapple Lumps start out crunchy, which is rather appealing, then move into the chewing gum phase (which is inescapable) and finish off sweet. I think that overall I prefer refrigerated Pineapple Lumps to Pineapple Lumps right out the bag, though I would take Jaffas over either of them any day. Interesting candy, but not the most appealing in my humble opinion (which is not to say I won't eat them, cus' let's face it, I'm a junkfood addict!). Thank you once again for the candies, Mynx. Hope you enjoy your traditional American salt water taffee, muahahahaha...

"OK, j-j-j-just ssstay calm Dego. Stay calm." Wyvern twisted his snout and poked one side of the box with a claw, causing it to shrink again. "Ssstay calm, STAY CALM!" Wyvern jittered nervously as he watched the Necromancer toss his black blobs at Kikuyu, absent-mindedly brushing a claw across the surface of the box and making it shrink again in the process. He raised a claw to his mouth and tapped on the surface of the box as he watched Kikuyu free herself from the attack, making the box shrink a bit further with every tap. "WYVERN!" "Oh, r-right, s-s-sssorry Dego. Jussst all the action y'know, t-tryin to hurry things up here. Hmm, maybe if I just carefully poke my claw between these corners?" Wyvern squinted and carefully lowered one of his claws to what appeared to be a tiny crack between two of the box's sides, breathing slowly as he very carefully inched it towards the miniature opening in an effort to not shrink the box any further. The overgrown lizard bit his lip and tensed up as the claw neared the opening, moving it extra slowly for the final few centimeters... "Wear this." Wyvern's concentration was broken as one of the many Ozymandiases handed him an amulet of protection, causing him to fumble with the box and making it shrink again in the process. The reptilian Elder cursed and threw his claws up in the air as the crack that had once been there shrunk into nothingness. He stomped his foot on the ground at Dego-mouse's look of despair, then teared at the scales on his head and stared up at the sky for a moment. "OK j-j-jussst stick with me Degorram, I gotta plan." Wyvern opened his sack of items and stuffed the amulet of protection into it for auctioning later, then pulled a large worn tome entitled "Almost Dragonic Brand Universal Box Opening Guidebook™" from the depths of the bag. He flipped through the book in desperation, searching for some method of opening magical boxes that didn't involve tearing off wrapping paper. "Hmmm, maybe if I just turn it around here..." Wyvern turned the box in his claws to get a better look at, causing it to drastically decrease in size and crushing Dego-mouse a bit in the process. The lizard stammered and dropped the box, cursing and flapping his wings in a frantic state as he tried to decide what to do. "Wyv... I... can't...... breath...." "Damnitall!" Wyvern pulled at the scales on his head and angrily kicked the box in frustation, shattering one of its sides and freeing Degorram in the process.

A very heartfelt poem Regel, thank you for sharing it here. *hugs* For some reason, when considering the love between people that is sometimes cloaked by hardships and pain, I seem to recall the last chapter of "Ulysses" when Bloom's wife's thoughts stream forth and the love behind her relationship troubles is revealed. Anyway, you touch upon the hidden emotions well here, with the last five lines driving across the feelings of the piece nicely in my opinion. The only part of the poem that I didn't care for as much were lines 7-12, as they felt more like common knowledge to me and seemed less personal than the rest of the piece. Anyway, thanks again for sharing this Regel. A nice look into the endlessly complicated emotions that can be stirred between people.

Wyvern continued hissing apologies to Kikuyu and the others under his breath as he moved on through the woods, the ashy remains of his Almost Dragonic Brand Collapsible Umbrella Sword™ dangling from one of his claws like the limp piece of short blackened wire it was. The overgrown lizard's eyes darted about as his wings brushed against some jagged leaves, his tail twitching in tiny nervous movements as he marched closely behind Kikuyu for protection. "Ssssorry again for the bad timing, I ssswear that the arial assault woulda gone well if I'd jussst gotten there a bit earlier." Wyvern cleared his throat and rubbed a claw on his chest in an effort to accentuate his "brave attempt" argument, only to have the claw go limp at the sight of more stray zombie limbs off the beaten path. The reptilian Elder gulped and picked up his pace a bit. "N-nexxxt time, I'll try n' use more ground-basssed methods, and trust me, I'll be prepa-" Wyvern froze as something suddenly grabbed onto his horns. "-aaARGGH!" The rest of the party turned and drew their weapons as Wyvern flailed about for a moment, only to go glum as they noticed the tree vines that the overgrown lizard's horns had gotten stuck in. Sir Walnut Reginald Trouble Clamhat rolled his eyes and cut Wyvern free from his captivity with a flick of his blade. "Really, Wyv, you should calm down a bit." Sir Walnut sighed and re-sheafed his blade, watching as the almost dragon's trembles slowly faded. "The forest's not about to rip you to shreds." "R-r-right." Wyvern drooped his scales and rubbed his horns sheepishly as the rest of the party grumbled amongst themselves and began putting their weapons away. He stammered for a moment and pointed a claw towards a clearing ahead. "So uhhh, th-th-that glowing over there isss jussst the reflection of the moonlight through the s-s-ssstorm clouds, right...?"

A few troglyodytes are heard talking amongst themselves in the background as the news cameras flicker on to the image of the wreckage site of a former sculpting platform, which is still in the process of being cleaned after a certain ceiling cave-in some weeks back. The cameras quickly turn away from the rubble and pass over several paint brush supply counters and palette tables before reaching an elegantly written sign labeled “Alzorath’s Portraits,” which points towards a wall lined with beautiful renditions of pennite faces. The cameras proceed to move past the sign and wall, however, until they reach a not-so-elegantly written sign labeled “Almost Dragonic Brand Adoptable Rubber Pet Portraits.™” The sign tilts in the direction of a billboard where sheets of paper with rubber animals glued onto them have been set on display. The unstable sign topples over as Wyvern enters the scene with a swing of his tail. The reptilian reporter adjusts the jarring color combination of his paint-stained jacket and horn beret, then stretches his wings and flashes a toothy grin at the cameras. “Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report’s first ever Almost Dragonic Brand Adoptable Rubber Pet Portrait™ Purchasing Program!” Wyvern points a claw at the cameras and winks. “In honor of the Portrait of Zool’s recent birthday, we’ve decided to market rubber chicken pet ssspin-offsss for this Report and this Report only! Don’t misss out on the opportunity to own one of these adorable little pieces of rubber for a mere 99 geld, with Almost Dragonic Brand Rubber Litter Disposal Binsss™ only 20 extra geld in a limited time offer. Call 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICRUBBERS today. That’s 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICRUBBERS. SimilaritiestoAdoptaMythicalPetshopatFairyFallMallpurelycoincidental.” Wyvern pauses for a moment to hand one of the troglyodyte news crew a gift-wrapped package of Summer-related stamps to deliver to Zool so that the portrait might enjoy the season properly, then hisses a “Happy Belated Zool” and turns towards the cameras with a wave. “Let’sss take a look at some of thessse adorable pets.” The cameras follow Wyvern as he points a claw at a tiny dot of rubber resting on a piece of paper. “Any dumpssster could gain ‘classy dump’ ssstatus with one of these Adoptable Rubber Flies bouncing around it. Ssspeaking of status, voting Pen members should be sure to contribute their thoughts on July Pen Promotions in the Minstrel Hall. The voting ends on July 30th, so get your thoughts in by tonight if you want’em counted!” Wyvern taps the sheet of paper to accentuate his words, causing the loosely glued rubber fly to fall off of it and bounce across the floor. He twists his snout at the rubber pet’s departure, then quickly moves on to another sheet of paper hanging from the billboard in an effort to save face. “And in case you’re looking for something more portable and travel accessible in your Pet, why not try this Adoptable Rubber Gnat?” Wyvern extends a claw to a scrap of paper with an even smaller dot of rubber on it. “This lil number could easily find its way into the suitcases for Patrick’s July trip, and might even fit in the cargo for Peredhil and Mynx’s journey. Maybe. By the way, pennites who haven’t been briefed on the travel plans of Patrick, Peredhil, and Mynx should check the Courtyard ASAP. Feel free to PM the respective parties if they’re passing through your area and you’re interested in meeting up. But act now, this offer expiresss extremely soon.” Wyvern nods to the cameras, then turns back to the sheet only to find that the tiny Rubber Gnat has gotten stuck under one of his claws. The overgrown lizard mutters a string of curses as he scrapes the Pet from its position, and immediately loses it to a crack in the floor. Wyvern clears his throat loudly and moves on to the next tacked sheet of paper, which appears to be blank. “And let’sss not forget thisss, err, special Adoptable Rubber Pet. The uhhh, y’know… the invisssable… butterfly?” Wyvern raises a brow and types at the sheet in a hesitant manner, unable to identify his own product. “Rubber chameleon maybe? Errr, either way, ssstay tuned for a bit of Almost Intern subbing… maybe, I think.”

I really like the flow of the first four lines of this poem, Patrick. :-) The way you rhyme "write" with "right" and then mimic the form of the second line in the fourth line was very well done in my opinion... those lines have a certain momentum that jumps out to me every time I revisit it. As a minor suggestion: I wonder if changing "Face your fears" in the sixth line to "Face fear" might add to the rhythm of the stanza without changing the meaning of the line? Nicely done, thanks for sharing this here Patrick.

Nice poem, Appy. :-) I really like the way that the first two stanzas reflect one another in terms of rhythm and form, as the repetition of those stanzas definitely drove the words home for me and made the emotions stand out. The parallels of "embrace" with "and brace" and "confound" with "impound" stand out to me in particular, and I like the way the language becomes more forceful and physical in the second stanza. The final stanza(s) of the poem were not quite as impressive to me, partially because I didn't care for the spacing of the words but mainly because I found it a somewhat blunt and simple conclusion to a poem that otherwise shows a great deal of subtlety and strength in its choice of words. Perhaps if you managed to convey the same message by showing it through some similar form of straightjacket or impounding imagery, the ending might be strengthened. Anyway, nicely done Appy. :-) Thanks for sharing this here, nice to see some new poetry from you.

Wyvern slowly opened his eyes with a groan, his ears ringing and his scales tensing at the wet sensation of dripping mud. The overgrown lizard lifted his head in a daze, trying to recall what had happened as he reached for his sack of items and began sorting through it in search of an Almost Dragonic Brand Hearing (Band)Aid™. Coming up short, Wyvern swayed to his feet and raised a claw to his aching snout before glancing around and getting his bearings. The drops of rain falling rapidly from the sky made the lizard remember that he was searching for an important item prior to the ground erupting, and that he was following/hiding behind Kikuyu before the quake happened. The reptilian Elder dug a claw into his item sack again and began doing another almost dragonic rain dance as he made his way out of the bushes where he'd landed. He squinted through the rain for Kikuyu or even that orc guy who thought he was a paladin, frowning until his claw reached a familiar shape in his bag. "Ahha! Found it!" Wyvern triumphantly pulled an Almost Dragonic Brand Collapsible Umbrella Sword™ from his sack and held it over his head,, his expression suddenly changing to a brighter one. "Hey Kikuyu, I found a-aaaaAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHH!" Wyvern slipped and fell headfirst down the incline adjacent to where he'd fallen, stumbling horns over tail and rolling forward at a dangerous speed. The overgrown lizard bounced into the air for a moment, only to have his Umbrella Sword start acting like an unstable parachute. He hissed a sigh of relief, then turned and noticed the monstrosity that the rest of the party was battling, which he seemed to be floating towards at a frightening speed. "Kikuyu?! Sir Walnutty?!?! Halllllpppppp!"

Last night, I went and saw "The New Wine" release party featuring Qwel, Dirty Digital, Robust, Influence & RoKnew, and Gune Star at the Element Lounge in San Francisco. I'd gotten minimal sleep the night before this show and had a fairly busy day to boot, so I wasn't quite as social as usual with the artists. I did still rock out in the front row for the whole show, though, and really wore myself out dancing. This was my second visit to the Element Lounge, and I once again thought it was a nice spot despite the sound being turned up a little too loud for a few of the acts (there was a little ringing in my ears for a while after the show, but it's passed now). Anyway, the first act to perform was a bay area group I'd never heard of called Gune Star, who weren't listed in the line up and who seemed a little out of place in the context of the rest of the artists performing. They were pretty energetic performers and seemed to be having a lot of fun with their music, which I appreciated, but their material definitely seemed oriented towards getting radio play and their topics and cadences felt a little played out to me. In some ways, the materialistic elements of their songs reminded me of a B-version of the Chicago rap group The Cool Kids, who aren't exactly my favorite group to begin with. Gune Star had quite a few friends and family in the audience supporting them, though, and put on a pretty decent set overall. Next up to perform were Influence & RoKnew, who also brought their energy to the table and put on quite a nice set. I'd seen Influence open for many Galapagos4 shows in the past, but his buddy RoKnew from Chicago was new to me and performed quite nicely. The songs they kicked definitely showed that they'd been collaborating on music for a while, and the two of them did some solo tracks as well including a few numbers from Influence that I'd heard live many times in the past. Influence's other rapping partner Avalon also stepped up at one point to perform a few of his older numbers with Influence, and the set ended with a freestyle session over the beat for "I've Got 5 On It" between the three of them and Robust. Pretty nice performances all around, I liked the set. Robust stuck around on stage after Influence and RoKnew finished up, and was the first artist from the Galapagos4 collective to perform. Robust has a couple of excellent solo albums under his belt, though the last I saw him perform with Prolyphic as the Stick Figures I was rather unimpressed by his live show and found it kind of lackluster and unprofessional. Fortunately, this time around he was much better. He approached his solo songs in a loose manner that incorporated some freestyling and improvisation, and performed some very good tracks from his albums "El Foto Grande" and "Potholes in our Molecules," as well as some newer verses including his hilarious diss track to Sage Francis "Chubby Vegan." I should note that while Robust rapped well, there is something in his personality and interactions with others that annoys me a bit... he strikes me as the sort of person who would take advantage of those around him to move towards his own goals if given the opportunity. Never the less, quite a good set from Robust, which is a relief after that Stick Figure performance from a few years back. Dirty Digital, a newly formed group consisting of Qwazaar and Silence, were the next G4 alumni to hit the stage and they rocked it really hard. I was once again a little skeptical since Qwazaar, though an excellent MC on record, did not impress me the last time I saw him live as a solo act. It seems that Qwazaar has really reinvented his music for a live setting through this Dirty Digital thing, though, and I couldn't be happier with the transition. The performance essentially consisted of one extremely hype electro track after another, with unusual club-ish synthetic production and lots of killer hooks and ridiculous flows. There were certain tracks where it almost seemed as though the entire song was one huge extended hook, which worked wonders in getting the crowd revved up and chanting along. Dirty Digital struck me as the sort of group that could be big on the dance scene if marketed the right way... their single "Sodapopinski" sounded like a club riot waiting to happen. Great set, I got super hyped over their tracks. Finally, Qwel came out with Robust as his hypeman and put on a pretty crazy set of fun antics and impressive tracks. Qwel is Galapagos4's flagship artist, with more albums under his moniker than I'd care to count and an ever-impressive flow to get his thought-provoking lyrics across. This must be like the sixth or seventh time I've seen him live, and he's very rarely disappointed me with his sets. His performance this evening was particularly crazy, as it went in all sorts of odd and interesting directions while maintaining a certain standard of quality. Qwel definitely struck me as being stoned in a major way during this show, but that didn't hurt his set at all and actually added a certain comedic element to his stage antics and kept people guessing. He performed a number of tracks from his most recent album "The New Wine," some of his old standards like "The Manhatten Project" and "The Highest Commitment," a couple of new acapellas and a variety of other tracks from his body of work. Things started getting really crazy when Qwel called up Denizen Kane, who happened to be in the crowd that evening, to the stage with Qwazaar to perform tracks as their colelctive group Typical Cats. Denizen eventually took the stage after much hesitation due to him being drunk out of his mind, but ended up forgetting about 80% of his lyrics and eventually sitting the set out. Oddly, despite being mostly silent for the performance, Denizen's presence seemed to motivate Qwel and Qwazaar to go into overdrive with their verses and made the crowd go wild. And just when Typical Cats stopped performing and people thought that Qwel had had enough, the beat to one of Qwel's hypest tracks "Broken Wing" came on and he bared his teeth with a barbaric look and started spitting his heart out. That track was followed by another, and another until the show finally let out at 2 in the morning. Qwel gave me several pounds and even hugged me during his set for being such a supporter in the front row the whole time... good times!

The news cameras slowly fade into a visual of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which seems to be a cluttered mess of open bags, open maps, open suitcases, and open clothing drawers. The only thing missing from the quarters is some open space. The cameras briefly swoosh over a shot of a sparkly “Bon Voyage CheerMynx” sign hanging from the ceiling before focussing on a poster for the Manly Wanderlusterers near the Almost Intern’s bed. The elven hunks depicted on the poster are naked save for a lengthy map that covers their privates, and seem to be lifting their silver compasses to their faces like portable mirrors. The news cameras turn at the sound of shuffling bags in the background, only to focus on Wyvern as he shifts his way through the open doorway of the bedroom and gets a foot stuck in one of the open sacks of pompoms. The overgrown lizard adjusts the open collar of his gray construction worker’s uniform and brushes the sweat from his forehead with a claw, then shakes the sack from his foot in a flurry of pink cheerleader accessories. “Greetingsss, and welcome to the latest Almost Report. As you can probably see, we’re currently in the processs of helping CheerMynx pack for her imminent vacation… we figure that it’ll take at least a week to forklift all this stuff out of her quartersss, so we’ve been planning accordingly.” Wyvern hisses a sigh under his breath and brushes a clingy mini-pompom from his shoulder. “Jussst in cassse you haven’t heard, Mynx and CheerMynx are taking advantage of their newfound eyesight by taking a tour of distant lands in July. Midwestern Pen members may wish to check the cheerline’s travel plans to see if she’ll be passing through your neck of the woodsss, though be warned that she’s pretty booked at this point. You can contact her or Peredhil if you think they might be passing through your area and would like to meet up. Anyway, I’m sure I speak for many pennitesss in wishing CheerMynx a sssafe and joyous voyage, and personally I couldn’t be happier for her.” Wyvern accentuates his statement with a grin that looks somewhat cheerful, but seems weighted down by the thought of cheerline’s absence and the fear that she might find a better reporting gig somewhere in a distant land. The overgrown lizard clears his throat loudly and turns away from the cameras before they can get a clear shot of his eyes as he struggles to maintain his dignity. He pulls out his Fake Tear Tissue and sniffles into it for a moment before clapping his claws together and turning back to the cameras, his scaly cheeks more teary now than when he’d begun cleaning them off. “Sssspeaking of going places, pennites interested in outsourcing their writing and making a paid profession of it should be certain to look into Salinye’s organization Content Divas.” Wyvern reaches down and picks up a book entitled “Gelding on the Road” before tossing it into one of the open suitcases. “I fully endorssse Salinye’s endeavorsss, as does Tzimfemme, and the business seemsss like an excellent opportunity for pennites who’d eventually like to make a career of their writing to get a foot in the door. And that goes for all you Pen lurkersss as well!” Wyvern nods to the cameras, then hop, skips and hobbles through the maze of large bags until he passes into Mynx’s main living room, which is every bit as cluttered and messy as CheerMynx’s bedroom and even features some of the cheerline’s stylized items mixed in and scattered about. Wyvern pauses as he shuffles through some loose articles of clothing with his feet, making his way over to a large chest that rests near the center of the room. “Ssspeaking of Salinye, pennites should also check out the most recent life question in the Cabaret, which deals with the feeling of comfort.” Wyvern raises a brow as he lifts an extremely tight-looking bright purple mini-skirt from the floor with his tail stinger, suddenly wondering how much attention CheerMynx typically pays to comfort. “Don’t forget to include Almost Dragonic Brand Bruteweiser Bottle Pillows™ in your list of comforting thingsss… 99.99 geld, cheap.” Wyvern scrunches his wings up and squeezes his way between two suitcases that stand about a foot over his head, barely fitting through the narrow opening and dragging along some unpacked garments with his tail stinger in the process. The reptilian reporter breathes a sigh of relief once he makes it to the other side of the suitcases, only to frown at the obstacle course of bags that remain before reaching the large chest standing at the center of the room. He stares up at the walls of Mynx’s room with a sigh, only to pause as he notices that the weapons arranged over them are still in a perfect neat and tidy order. He scratches his chin as he examines one of finer katanas on display from a distance. “The Almost Report would alssso like to take this opportunity to wish Gyrfalcon a belated happy birthday.” Wyvern ceases focusing on the katana and begins jumping between different bags, moving closer and closer to the chest at the center of the room. “An Almost Dragonic Brand Home Makeover Incantation Kit™ isss on its way to the half-elven warrior's quarters. Here’sss hoping ya had a great one, Gyr.” Wyvern grunts as he begins climbing up the chest at the center of the room, slipping and crashing a few times and generally flailing about until he finally positions himself at the top. The news cameras take positions on top of a set of large duffle bags to get a clearer view of the almost dragon. “To wrap up thisss news segment, the Almost Report is searching for a possible part time Almost Intern to sub on the Report during the dates of CheerMynx’s absence. Qualifications: must be cute, female, willing to wear skimpy and attractive garments, and enthusssiastic about the Report. Love of wyverns preferred, but on the spot training is available.” Wyvern tugs at his workman’s shirt collar and brushes his scales back for a moment, then gets on his hands and tail and pleads. “The datesss that subs are needed for are the weeks of 6/30/08, 7/7/08, and 7/14/08. Pleassse PM yoursss truly if you’re interested. Pleeeeeaaaaaasssse?”